Director: Craig Brewer
Cast: Terrence Dashon Howard, DJ Qualls, Ludacris, Taryn Manning, Anthony Anderson, Isaac Hayes
Release: July 13, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: Djay is a pimp suffering a midlife crisis, yearning to be a rap star, and after being galvanized by a gospel song, he gets to work, finding it a very hard road to fame and respect.

Prognosis: Positive. Man, it just feels hot.

It looks like this movie was filmed in the hottest part of the South and that no one even thought to wipe themselves before each take.

When you watch a trailer like this, one man trying to make something of his passion, you wonder how it is for that same person when they find out they’re not ever going to be regarded in the way their dreams have led them to believe.

Terrence Howard, who plays DJay, blasts right out onto the screen in the beginning of this trailer as he explains for himself about what he’s feeling and what he wants. The man is obsessed with the noise in his head which no doubt consists of beats and rhymes. He’s laying it all out for a friend of his and I am immensely satisfied at the opening salvo for this trailer.

I am disturbed, however, as our man is in his flow that I see Anthony Anderson in the background providing support. Now, I am not really trying to be down on Anderson but when my man comes out with a movie like KING’S RANSOM and KANGAROO JACK, both of which should be treated like radioactive steamers that were left to kill audiences with their wretched stink in theaters, and you’re trying to sell this picture on an already fickle public it may or may not be in your best interest to highlight his role so prominently.

That’s just me, though.

“It’s hard out here for a pimp…”

You can see Terrence’s devotion to his craft as he tries to construct rhymes and beats that he thinks will sound well on a record. That comes off real well in the exposition we’re given about this man.

This is only explored further, giving a welcomed short shrift to some of the more exploitive moments that could have been chosen in lieu of this, what this man is desperately trying to make. This isn’t so much about a man trying to make a rap record but you feel that this is a movie trying to show how a man sees his future with regard to how his past and present experiences inform his motivation.

DJ Qualls, one of the oddest anomalies working in pictures today, arrives to provide some much needed levity, Anthony providing some of his own along the way, which, in short dollops, is quite fine; reference HAROLD AND KUMAR for a good example on this.

The narration quickly, but efficiently, moves to showing how, after our man cuts his album in his ramshackle recording studio, wants to get it heard by the clichéd hot “IT” hip-hop artiste of the moment, Skinny Black, who is played here by Ludacris. You can feel the need of Terrence, trying to get Black to just listen to his cd because he knows the value of what’s on there.

The rest of the trailer just explores this a little further, eking out his chance to shine, and what it will all come down to as it plays out in a single night.

I’m hopeful that the development of this man’s character remains true through the story as anything less than honesty and a well thought-out resolution of how this man’s story “ends” by the final reel would do a disservice to anyone who has come close to fulfilling their dreams.

Director: Martin Campbell
Cast: Antonio Banderas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Anthony Hopkins
Release: October 28, 2005
Synopsis: It has been six years since the last Zorro film. Now, he’s back with an all new installment where he has been quietly settling with his own family in San francisco. His little boy, Jouqauin, is now 10 years old and contains no information of his father’s secret life. When these angry tyrants come with plans of their own, Zorro is called upon to save the day against his new nemesis, Armand. Also Elena will be in mask as the try aspiring wife and new partner of Zorro.

Prognosis: Negative. Was there really that much money made on the first installment of this movie that someone else thought it would be a good idea?

Seriously. Who thought this was a good idea?

I want to remain impartial to what seems like a train wreck that’s just a stack of pennies away from jumping the tracks but it’s hard to be so non-judgmental.

I start the trailer and really do expect the worst but who would have thought I would be impressed by the opening shots of this thing? None more than me, let me tell you.

I actually like the non-voiceover that’s regulated to the back in favor of a more zippy, shot after frenetic shot, showcase of some of the action pieces.

You have a fast tick-tick-tick beat riding underneath a near train explosion (how appropriate), Antonio flying through the air like a Spanish Superman (sans tights), Antonio mixing it up in a fisticuffs with some guy on the outside of a train, more physical impossibilities with Antonio using his thin sword with the flourish of a crazy matador (Ole!), and we pause only ever so slightly as 2005’s MILF of the Year, Catherine Zeta-Jones, buxomly displays the goods to our Latin savior who yearns to tap that as well. Sloppy seconds? Yes, please.

So, I get it that the Gay Blade isn’t nearly as Gay as I thought: he’s a dad. Well, he could be one of those “progressive” fathers but I’m getting ahead of myself.

What seems to me that what’s happening is that pop goes out to far off locales to fight evildoers while his woman stays home to watch the young lad. It stinks too much of family entertainment that won’t end too much in tragedy (a la THE USUAL SUSPECTS where the wife and child are spectacularly done away with) but I sit on my hands to see what else might appear. I’m disappointed we don’t get Anthony Hopkins donning dark face again, which I still think is an egregious error in racial judgment if ever there was such a thing in filmic history, but we trudge forth anyway.

I don’t get Hopkins but what I do get is pretty lame in comparison. The world doesn’t seem to need Zorro “The Gay Blade” (man, I do like writing that) any longer as progress is proving the swordsman to be obsolete.

So, instead of spending time with his family and hanging his gay blade in a place where he could probably enjoy it he begs Mary, Mother of Jesus, to help him find a reason, any reason at all, to skip out on his familial obligations. She says something as he goes back to his house and suits up, and it’s hilarious to watch, like Batman putting on the cowl and outfit, except here it’s a black pirate shirt (Yar!), pantaloons that would make my grandmother giggle, a sword that would better be used as a skewer for steak and chicken fajitas on the grill, and dons a sombrero that would be a lot more funny if it had dozens of those little red dingle berries around the rim.

There’s some shots of Antonio using his hat as a weapon like he was trying out for Oddjob’s replacement in a new Bond sequel, and gets some wicked air time with it to boot, some more trains blow up, he’s amazed when an adversary unsheathes two blades compared to his one, more physical improbabilities abound, and the whole thing ends in a cavalcade of discordant sounds, images and eye-candy that will no doubt excite the Antonio Banderas Fan Club in ways that would be immeasurable by today’s standards.

Director: Jeff Wadlow
Cast: Julian Morris, Lindy Booth, Jared Padalecki, Jon Bon Jovi
Release: September 23, 2005
Synopsis: Nobody believes a liar – even when they’re telling the truth. When a young woman is found murdered, a group of local high school students decide to further scare their classmates by spreading online rumors that a serial killer called “The Wolf” is on the loose. By describing “The Wolf’s” next victims, the students’ game is to see how many people they can convince – and if anyone will uncover the lie. But when the described victims actually do start turning up dead, suddenly no one knows where the lies end and the truth begins. As someone or something begins hunting the students themselves, the game turns terrifyingly real.

Prognosis: Negative. You know that “bleerdeebeep” that chimes whenever your mother, sister or brother are using that sad ass AOL IM software? That’s the opening chime in this trailer.

What got me thinking briefly off-topic is that we’re thrown into this set-up because AOL seems to have their Time-Warner fingers in the promotion of this film. Now, I can be all about corporate synergy and product placements when done right, even X2 was a bit blatant with theirs, (Who knew Wolvie was so into the Dr. Pepper I guess I missed that Comics 101 column…) but I just hate it when it’s tossed in front of me like a tranny selling his/her wares on a West Hollywood street corner.

Anyhow, after the initial anger wears off, we have some faceless nerd who’s using AOL for Broadband technology when he gets an instant message from someone he doesn’t know.

The clicka-clacka of the keyboard hasn’t even registered so much as a word before these two people are “chatting” with such speed that I am amazed by their keyboard prowess. In fact, all the words are spelled correctly and I am freaking out of my head in shock that the convo goes so fast. It goes from a hello to a “I’m killing everyone you know” in a matter of moments. Ah, the economy of time, but I understand the need for expediency.

What I do like, though, about the trailer is that there are no voiceovers, no cards, and no dialogue whatsoever. I really do appreciate that and commend the makers of the trailer for this. It will be the last sort of compliment, however, that I will bestow on this thing.

So after we establish that we have a really good H4X0R who’s infiltrating the computer of one of our killers’ targets by getting to him via an IM conversation which, as we all know, is classic M.O. for any loony looking to off some college-aged co-eds, we are treated to a split screen presentation of the killer establishing a location for where he is taking his bodies to the IM sentence that spells it out for our future victim. I mean Jason or Freddy could only walk around their respective kill grounds killing their prey indiscriminately but this is taking the killing genre into the mid-1990’s!

This all feels very Fear Dot Com-ish but I still got a little love for it being able to schizophrenically toggle between words and kills. The music helps the trailer along as well so it’s got the right thing going for it.

We get knifes, ski masks, heavy jackets, running, some chick who’s alone in an indoor pool (huh?), and then the obligatory “Run!” being shouted by someone who’s most likely going to be sacrificial lamb so the hot girlfriend can run away without so much as getting a scrape.

I just don’t know, though, I don’t. I think I might’ve been into this when I was 13 or 14 but I can’t help but feel that the whole murder/campus/good-looking and nubile kids/who-is-it behind the mask has been done to point of boredom.

Maybe it’s that damn bleerdeebeep.

Director: Ruth Leitman
Cast: Penny Banner, Bill Cosby, Lillian Ellison, Gladys Gillem, Judy Grable, Cyndi Lauper
Release: May 20, 2005 (Seattle International Film Festival)
Synopsis: Ring legends such as The Fabulous Moolah and Gladys “Kill ‘Em” Gillem Long provide candid insights into the history of women’s professional wrestling.

Prognosis: Positive. I appreciate the art of wrestling.

There’s something that’s inherently close to the comic book format, of villains and heroes, which really meant something to me as a kid growing up. It’s nearly sad to admit publicly but I don’t know if I really understood how fake it was until much later on in my youth.

This movie looks like a real hoot and holler for anyone who might be a fan of the mythos of wrestling as a spectator sport and for the theatrics it employs. Not only that but this movie is all about the old school ladies who used to pile drive but it explores the nuances of womanly empowerment that allowed ladies to be physical and rough in an era when demure and fragile were buzzwords of the time.

I am really unsure of my footing, so to speak, when the trailer opens with a black and white clip from To Tell The Truth that, as you can see, was prominently underwritten by Camel. Now, seeing how we find out that the professional wrestler in question is a woman, all dolled up in her flamboyant gear I would make a camel-toe joke, to tie it into what’s on the screen, here but that would be crass, juvenile, and completely derail the point of this movie.

I laugh anyway.

The trailer launches straight up into the air as more black and white video and photographs show how these lovely ladies dominated a sport that only men enjoyed participating in. One of the women who we don’t see says that the men were actually resentful of women who were professional wrestlers as they garnered more attention than the dudes.

After passing along that factoid I am glued to the presentation here as the cuts are quick, I’m shown lots of chicks having it out with one another in all different sorts of positions, I even get some midget wrestling tossed in but I am mostly in awe of the thunderous ways these women are hurting one another. I start to revert to my little boy youth and think that maybe these women DID hurt each other inside the ring. The footage is fabulous.

The subsequent Voiceover Guy is really useful here in establishing some direction of things as this isn’t all about wrestling. What we have is a sociological portrait of a very real time for women in professional sports and how their physicality allowed for the inclusion of women in an area that no one had dared tread before.

Now, the footage moves to modern day WWE wrestling and I feel completely lost. I am positive that one helped the other but I don’t know if, when these ladies started to break though the glass ceiling of brutality, they had Macho Man Randy Savage’s Ms. Elizabeth in mind as someone who’s furthering the cause but I have no doubt they would’ve been pleased with Chyna’s success as a female (I know that could be debated by some…) in the sport.

The trailer even mixes in some hot roller derby action and some woman wrestling an alligator and it completely pleases me. The quotes from other publications that have seen the movie sell me a little more on how well, overall, the product is put together and I have to even give it up for the on-screen graphics that use the barker poster style, back when people promoted events like this with full color flourish, to really tie it all together.

Director: Steven Spielberg
Cast: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, Miranda Otto, Tim Robbins, David Alan Basche
Release: June 29, 2005
Synopsis: A contemporary retelling of H.G. Wells’s seminal classic, the sci-fi adventure thriller reveals the extraordinary battle for the future of humankind through the eyes of one American family fighting to survive it.

Prognosis: Stop with the cock tease, please. Know what I learned last week? Tom Cruise is really short. Katie Holmes towers over that “short statured” man, I hear they don’t like being called midgets nowadays, in a way that honestly did shock me. I mean I knew he was small but his being able to cuddle up to pillows without being in bed has really lingered with me ever since I saw the two of them together; c’mon, didn’t some of you think that Katie kinda looked like his babysitter? Heck, never mind that the “relationship” is falser than Tom Cruise’s protestations he’s not now, nor ever has been, a man who is into platform footwear but, c’mon, did we have to wait all this time between the teaser trailer to get this in return?

The trailer explodes upon starting as you get Cruise addressing the camera, all washed out in Spielberg’s cinematography and looking ever so dashing in that full frame sort of way, with his narration feeding into the visuals as you’re slightly off-put by what’s happening.

He says, to whoever the hell he’s talking to, to keep our eyes forward and to stare at him even though we don’t know who or where we are.

There does seem like there’s panic in his voice and as the trailer goes on a little further we see he’s talking to Dakota. (Man, do I ever wish that our alien invaders get a shot off and get that little whirligig of a girl. She escaped it in MAN ON FIRE but I am still holding out for a quality kill…)

Now, the subsequent images of an entire town that seems to be fleeing its borders, like a mass migration out of Dodge, don’t really connect with the opening images of what was so dammed important for us not to see in the first place. The po-pos and even the Army are out in force so this must be the point at which people are starting to panic. The card in between the scenes tell me that on June 29th I should prepare for the event that will change my world forever and I just have to call these trailer people out on “Shenanigans!” for dropping that line on me. I mean, really, this is just a film and not a local news bump that they so often like to use, to tell why an expose on why my smoke alarm could be the very thing that will kill my entire family but I have to wait until 10 to get the information that’s so important but not important enough to tell me right now, is just a weak and lazy ass way to get me to see your film. Because you know what? This film is not going to change my world forever and unless you’ve hired people to leap out of the screen a la BACHELOR PARTY when Rick is trying to save Tawny Kitaen then it’s just lazy writing.

So, after getting myself all sorts of worked up, I continue to watch and am rewarded to two movies: TITANIC and SPIDER-MAN 2. In the mass exodus that seems to be happening, when our alien brethren come a knocking, a ferry that’s shuttling people across a river gets “attacked” by the John Holmes version (a little longer on the length for those keeping score) of Dr. Octopus. No wonder Doc Ock was angry, he had to compete with some other creature that got him beat by a good 10 foot or so of pure alien tube steak. These baddies tip over the ferry which, I have to be honest, looks like a sweet effect, Tom somehow isn’t involved in it but it gives a vague look at what these crawlers look like up close.

After our passengers get sent to a watery grave we get a whole lot of destruction on a mass extinction level and there really does seem to be litter everywhere. The sets are all clogged with apocalyptic detritus that includes freeways, highways, newspapers, and the cast of screaming thousands. While it’s nice to look at, it really doesn’t give me a clue as to what I can expect in this new installment.

If I had to write an essay I could factually back-up that this movie has a lot of Tom Cruise looking very rugged with all that strategically placed dirt and grime with his ‘do looking dashingly ready for action, Dakota looking like a doe-eyed space cadet and there’s a damn high number of destructive and wicked awesome looking explosions.

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