FRED Entertainment

PISA – People forget that Ron Jeremy isn’t merely a porn star. He’s appeared in numerous independent films that weren’t pants optional including George Wallace, Detroit Rock City, The Rules of Attraction and Cranked: High Voltage. He’s a crossover superstar.

Ron’s next R-rated film Guido is due out at the start of May on DVD via FilmOn Home Video and VOD on FilmOn.com. Ron shares the screen with Alki David (The Bank Job), Billy Zane (The Phantom), Gary Busey (The Buddy Holly Story), Armand Assante (American Gangster) and Lupe Ontiveros (Goonies). Guido (David) is an Iraqi that’s become a mob hitman in New Jersey. When a gig goes wrong, he must drive a body cross country. As if to make things more complicated, he’s giving a ride to his landlady (Ontiveros). Ron Jeremy plays a security officer who won’t be around for Guido II.

When a chance came to chat with Ron about Guido, the Party Favors pounced. It had been a few months since the Hedgehog appeared in the column. We met him back in October during Dennis Hof’s World Greatest Birthday Party. We didn’t talk too much to Ron since he was in a wonderland of buffets and hookers at the Bunny Ranch. But a lot had happened to Ron since our blissful night of hanging with Grizzly Adams and AVN Award winner Sunny Lane.

At the end of January, Ron rushed himself to the hospital after suffering heart pains. The doctors discovered he had an aneurysm. Luckily his quick action and the doctor’s skills allowed him to live. Ron was more soft spoken on the phone than when we met at Dennis Hof’s birthday party back in October.

“How are you doing?” was a fitting first question and not a mere formality.

“Fine. It takes a little while. But the worst is over,” Ron said. “I’m not there yet. I’m doing ok. I’m walking and talking. It’s alright.”

Ron had wrapped up his work on Guido a while before his heart issue. Has Ron been able to get back to his acting craft as he continues his recovery?

“Yes. I’ve already been doing scenes and some dialogue,” he explained.

Here’s the trailer for Guido so that you know that I’m not spoiling anything about Ron’s role in the film.

It was strange to talk to a man recovering from a near death experience about another movie role featuring him dying on screen. I didn’t want to sound too morbid about his long history of dying on the silver screen, but it’s his artform. Ron should play Kenny if they ever make a live action South Park.

Guido had to be a record for exposing his lethal fate since fans knew he was dead before they even started watching the movie. Had Ron Jeremy ever died in a trailer before?

“Probably,” Ron thought. Indeed Ron figures he might have played a character that was killed in a trailer. “There’s a movie I did called Haunted Trailer. I might have.”

When Ron gets approached to appear in a non-porn film; is the first thing he asks is how do they kill off his character?

“I assume he’s going to die,” Ron admitted. “Every time I work in a regular movie, I die: Boondock Saints, Orgazmo and Killing Zoe. It’s good. I die in very colorful ways.”

Is Ron an expert on squibs so he knows when he’s being wired up wrong?

“I assume so.” He recounted his time on Killing Zoe when “they squibbed my entire chest. I got blown up into the wall.” He conveyed how the gun powder from a squib can burn you. Can a poorly done squib kill an actor?

“I don’t know,” Ron said. “It will hurt like a fuck.”

He complimented the effects crew on Guido. “They squibbed everybody just perfect. You like that segue way? ” He gave a chuckle before giving his impression of the movie. “Guido is a good show. It’s about a man’s transformation. A man taking on a heart.” Guido gets there with the help of a woman. “It’s a great little journey.”

What does he think of star Alki David? “He’s fun. He’s like me. He’s nuts,” Ron said. “He likes doing fun things.”

What about his time working with The Phantom.

“I got a real kick doing dialogue with Billy Zane,” Ron said. “He’s such a good actor. He was in Titanic. My dialogue scene was with him.”

Had he worked with Billy Zane before?

No,” Ron declared. “I’ve met him before.”

When asked about his favorite memory from the set, there’s no playing it safe and being diplomatic.
“Just having fun with Billy Zane,” Ron offered. “We did a little adlibbing. It was a good bit. It was cute. He’s an actor I’ve really enjoyed for years. There’s not a lot of more fun things than someone you’ve been a fan of doing dialogue with you. It’s kinda exciting.”

He hadn’t seen Billy since the movie.

“He’s not a big partier,” Ron said. “He doesn’t go to the Academy Award parties. I’m sure he goes to events if he’s nominated or something. He’s a shy, private guy.”

How was Ron’s interaction with director Colin Campbell. “Oh fine. He was excellent. He gave me orders and I followed them.” Campbell enjoyed the ad-libbing between Ron and Billy Zane.

How did Ron get another fatal cinematic role in Guido? Ron’s legendary networking skills paid off once more.

“Alki was a friend of mine,” Ron said. “We met through a series of friends. I was good friends with Adam Rifkin and he’s good friends with Steven Bing and he knows Alki Davis. Adam directed Detroit Rock City. ”

Is it more satisfying when Ron arrives on the set knowing he is amongst friends and not merely hired to die on cue?

“It’s always a nice feeling,” Ron said.

Is Ron going to be part of Sunny Lane’s rumored to be upcoming Sherlock Holmes adult feature Alimentary, My Dear Watson.?

“Not yet,” Ron said. “But (Sunny) does a great job in Guido. I got her a part as one of the girls in the bowels of the boat.”

It’s good to know that Ron Jeremy is on the mend. He’s been working in adult features since the ’70s. He deserves a Kennedy Center Honors if just for his numerous death scenes. Yet when it counted, Ron was able to cheat death and keep the legend going. You can catch his latest snuff moment in Guido.

FULL FRAME PREVIEW

Winter is coming!

We’ll be doing our big coverage of this year’s Full Frame Documentary Film Festival in the next column. But here’s a teaser chat we had with Alex Winter about his movie Downloaded In case you’re not sure, that’s the Alex Winter who starred in Bill and Ted Excellent Adventure and The Lost Boys. We have a longer talk coming.

LAZY NEW CHANNEL

How little programming do you need to “launch” a cable channel? I’m staring at the schedule for the Esquire Channel (formerly G4) with a sense of “What’s the point of this?” They only have two new shows. Knife Fight is like a rowdier version of Chopped. The Getaway launches with The Soup‘s Joel McHale playing golf and getting drunk in Belfast. Wonder if he’ll make a Bobby Sands Trap reference on the links. The big rerun “gets” are Parks and Recreation and Party Down. Parks is an NBC sitcom that doesn’t get half the viewers of a Two and a Half Men rerun. Maybe it’ll have Scrubs appeal? Party Down is interesting in that the Starz series lasted 20 episodes. It’s the Firefly of caterers. They’re running back to back episodes which means after 10 days, it’s cycled. How will they air a show which cusses more than then my grandmother during fleet week? But for all the talk of a channel that’s supposed to deal to a hip young male demographic, way too much of the schedule is dominated by A-Team, Cops and Magnum P.I. It’s almost like they want to compete with ME-TV. Why rebrand G-4 as The Esquire Channel without at least giving us more than one hour of original programming. There are Youtube channels that have more fresh and entertaining programming each week. Can’t Comcast-NBC make an effort to give me an entertaining channel? The Esquire Channel promises all the excitement of letting my grandmother hold the TV remote.

VINEGAR SYNDROME TRIPLE THREAT

Vinegar Syndrome has returned with three home video releases that bring the seedy cinema to your HDTV.

Massage Parlor Murders revives a movie that takes us back to the seedy past of Times Square. Before that area was cleaned up by Disney and MTV, the neighborhood was beloved for its porn theaters, peep shows, sex clubs and massage parlors. It was a pervert wonderland. But it also attracted the wrong kind of people. Massage Parlor Murders is about a serial killer that’s snuffing the girls who just wanted to give others a happy ending to their workday. Who are the men out to stop the carnage? Why two police detectives that take their work personal. By personal, Det. Rizotti is the last client of the first dead hooker. Det. O’Mara wants to screw the dead girl’s roomie. The guys wander the neighbor turning over clues and dropping pants when necessary. O’Mara takes in an orgy at an indoor swimming pool. The movie has a little bit of a budget since they have a serious car chase in the urban jungle of New York City. There’s at least two familiar faces. George Dzundza (Law & Order) plays a suspect. He was also the assistant director so he was busy on the set as they hustled to shoot on the streets. Brother Theodore gets to give his usual ramble that made him an underground fixture in the Big Apple. The movie plays like a scummy version of Law & Order: SVU. The folks at Vinegar Syndrome also provide the version that was reissued as Massage Parlor Hookers. They chopped off the introduction scene. They even have the re-issue trailer which is disturbing since it teases audiences into thinking there’s no killings at the massage parlors. The big bonus is 7 minutes of unused footage from the pool orgy and random wanderings around Times Square at night. This is the perfect movie for those who like murder flicks that bring out the creepers of the night. There’s also a DVD of the Blu-ray in the box so you can watch the film in the backseat of a mini-van.

Drive-In Collection: The Suckers & The Love Garden is a double feature of men wanting the forbidden in the early ’70s. The Suckers has models, a photographer and their support arriving at the compound of a big game hunter. He hires them to help make his upcoming safari sexy. This film is extremely sexy since after the initial set up of the big game hunter, everyone on the trip is given a chance to get naked and hook up on screen. While this is good for the two female models, it also means you get to see a combover humping. This takes up the middle portion of the film. When we finally get back to the plot, the hunter explains his vision for this hunt. Things get extra rough in the third act. The Love Garden features a man who falls madly in love with a woman. She’s swimming in his apartment’s pool and he can’t resist. But she’s rather stand-offish. Why? Because she’s a lesbian. But this isn’t a good enough excuse for the guy who claims he writes for major magazines. He must seduce her since he has a dadfro helmet like Donna’s old man on That ’70s Show. The film is a softcore epic of seduction. We get an idea of what she and her roommate do after their visits to the pool. This is a fine double feature since the roughie gets followed up by an Alan Alda-esque seduction.

Drive-In Collection: Anatomy of a Psycho & The Lonely Sex is a double dose of exploitation cinema from 1959 & 1960. Anatomy of a Psycho is the classic case of cashing in on a major film’s title. If you couldn’t get into Alfred Hitchock’s Psycho, why not walk down the block for Boris Petroff’s Anatomy of a Psycho? Sure it’s not the same film. There’s no mother or Bates motel, but there is a lot of violence. Chet thinks his brother on death row is wrongly convicted. Instead of getting a lawyer, he goes on a rampage against those he swore screwed his brother. Is this really the right way to get someone off death row? Ed Wood worked on the script as Larry Lee. The Lonely Sex is the movie your grandfather was warned to not see. There’s topless footage. The movie is a strange mix of exploitation and art house. I almost expect to see a very young David Lynch lurking in the background. The hour long film makes me think that it’s really shot by Guy Madden. While I entertained by Anatomy, I was engrossed in the bizarre brilliance of The Lonely Sex.

BEAM ME UP

Star Trek: The Next Generation – Season Three finally gives the series its own memorable villain race. Forget the Klingons and the Romulans, here come the Borg and they’re ready to assimilate all that get in their way. The Borg had been introduced in the second season during “Q Who.” But they were a distant threat at that time. By the end of season three, the threat got closer. The third season brought back Beverly Crusher (Gates McFadden) as the chief medical officer. This means Wesley Crusher (evil Wil Wheaton on The Big Bang Theory) is no longer an “orphan.” “Deja Q” turns the god-like character of Q into a mortal man. Can he hack existing on the same level as Picard (Patrick Stewart)? “Yesterday’s Enterprise” brings back Tasha Yar (Denise Crosby) in a time traveling episode that features Enterprise-C. Can she remain alive this time? Crosby wanted off the show after the first season not realizing how much the show would improve with the arrival of Riker’s Beard (Jonathan Frakes). “The Offspring” allows Data (Brent Spiner) to make his own daughter. However there are those within the federation that want to get the child. “Sins of the Father” sends the Klingon Worf (Michael Dorn) back home to defend himself against traitor charges. Does it really matter what is the plot of “Menage A Troi?” All you need to know it involves Deanna Troi (Marina Sirtis). The finale of the 26 episodes is “The Best of Both Worlds, Part 1.” The Borg are back and heading toward Earth. Picard and his crew are the only hope for stopping the robot control race inside the giant cube spacecraft. Things go wrong and Picard finds himself part of the Borg. It’s up to Riker to stop this menace and save his best friend. This was the first cliffhanger season ending used by ST:TNG. This is a great way to make sure that fans were constantly calling up the TV station asking when the next season is starting. Nobody was just going take the summer off. The was a little panic in the fans since the original Star Trek vanished from the TV screens after the third season. There’s plenty of bonus features on the 6 Blu-rays. Archival Mission Logs include Mission Overview for year three, crew analysis, memorable missions and production. David Rappaport gets a memorial segment while Michael Piller gets a tribute. There are a few audio commentaries and a gag reel. “Resistance Is Futile” explores the world of the Borg. This was a prime season for ST:TNG and the reason why Picard lasted longer than Kirk at the TV helm.

Star Trek: The Next Generation – The Best of Both Worlds contains the two episodes merged together as a single 85 minute movie. For those of you who can’t wait until Star Trek: The Next Generation: Season Four gets released on Blu-ray, you can see Part 2 of “The Best of Both Worlds” now! Not to spoil what happens, but this was more exciting than the ST:TNG movies. Can Riker and crew recapture Picard from the Borg? Even if they get him back, how will they remove the bio-mechanics from their beloved leader? This is often rated as one of the best TV episodes ever. This really comes out when the two episodes run seamlessly. The bonus features include a documentary about the Borg and the gag reel from the episode. There are also the previews for the episodes with Ernie Anderson (Mr. Loooove Boat) as the narrator.

BLU-RAY HEAVEN

The Vampire Lovers comes from the time that Hammer spiced up their horror genre by introducing the openly lesbian vampire character. Sure they had score several hits with Christopher Lee as the seductive Dracula, but that had gotten a bit stale. The world was swinging and the cinema needed a woman that was willing to be a little more liberated in both her loving and her blood sucking. The Universal Horror classic Dracula’s Daughter had hinted at a bisexual tension when it comes to a female creature of the night. The Vampire Lovers dropped the suggestive imagery and went straight for girl-girl beck action. The movie is based on the 1872 book Carmilla so hot action as based in classic literature. Pitt’s not working completely on her own as she roams the upper class seducing and bleeding the hot daughters. Peter Cushing (Star Wars) gets the role of guy hunting down the vampire. His usual gig in Dracula film although he’s not Van Helsing. The big question is if he can stake a woman? The Blu-ray transfer looks amazing. You get to really take in the gothic beauty of the sets and wardrobe. The fog just drifts off the screen and into your living room. This movie makes me really eager to upgrade even more of the Hammer Horrors. Scares go best in 1080p. There’s plenty of bonus features to add to your enjoyment of the naked and the punctured. “Feminine Fantastique – Resurrecting The Vampire Lovers explains how Hammer got into the hot lesbian vampire genre. Ingrid Pitt reads part of “Carmilla.” She also joins with director Roy Ward Baker for a commentary track. Pitt returned to the genre the next year with Hammer’s Countess Dracula.

Dragon (Wu-Xia) is a return to some old school martial arts buttkicking with Donnie Yen, Takeshi Kaneshiro and Tang Wei. When bandits arrive to rip off a store, they find themselves beaten to death by Yen. He’s taken as hero although the cops must investigate. Kaneshiro discovers one of the bandits was a major killer. How could a simple guy like Yen take him out? Turns out Yen has a major hidden secret. His time as a hero has ruined his simple townsperson disguise. Trouble is on the way. He can’t hide so he needs help from Kaneshiro to battle the impending mayhem. It’s an over the top kinetic visual joy. You want to crank up the speakers to feel the fighting scenes in your guy. The 1080p transfer will punch you in the eyes. The bonus features include a making of documentary, a music video and a piece on Yen.

DVD SHELF

Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot: The Complete Series is part of that amazing batch of Japanese shows from the ’60s that dominated the after school time slot in the ’70s along with Ultraman, Speed Racer and Space Giants. The 26 episode show is perfect for the Godzilla and Gamera loving kid since it’s about a kid who gets to battle alien invaders with a giant robot. The series might sound like the animated Gigantor, but that’s OK since both were created by Mitsuteru Yokoyama. How does a little boy get control of a massive robot that fights evil alien creatures? Turns out the boy, Johnny Sokko gets stranded on an island when his boat is attacked by a monster. He becomes pals with Jerry Mano (an undercover agent). Turns out the island is controlled by Emperor Guillotine and his Gargoyle Gang. A scientist has been making monsters for him. His last big invention is Giant Robo. He has Johnny voice imprint with his creation. This means Johnny gets to join Jerry’s top secret organization known as Unicorn. He’s the coolest kid in the neighborhood after he gets his futuristic fighting outfit. Over the course of 26 episodes, there are massive fights between Robo and the monsters. Guillotine throws everything at the young boy to claim the Earth. He makes fake versions of Robo and later a fake Johnny. He can’t get enough monsters stomping various train sets. This is still an amazing show for watching on a hazy Saturday or even a late night session. Now I have to write Shout! Factory begging for them to put out Space Giants.

Lee Marvin Presents Lawbreaker: The Complete Television Series is the precursor of America’s Most Wanted except it features criminals that have been caught. Lee Marvin stands in the central command center as he interviews captured criminals, surviving victims and the law enforcement involved in the case. They recreate elements of the story on the locations. “Boston Story” covers a group of kids who go on killing spree when they get ahold of guns. It’s like an early version of The Friends of Eddie Coyle. The series was shot in color so you get a real view of how areas looked 50 years ago. “The Atlanta Story” covers an escape artist. “The New Orleans” explores how a cop becomes an undercover narcotics agent in the Big Easy. “The Chicago Story” breaks down a kidnapping. “The Milwaukee Story” exposes three girls who go wild in a crime wave. It’s not always crimes that get covered. “Danville, Virginia” deals with what’s needed to get a pint of rare blood to a baby. Even though the show was made in 1963, both the baby and the adult donor are black. The airlines they use to rush the blood is Piedmont! I miss Piedmont Airlines. They gave you the can when you asked for soda. Lee Marvin is the perfect host as he lurks around his crime central getting the facts from the participants. This series perfectly mixes with Dragnet. The 32 episodes show the way the police worked in the early ’60s.

Stoney Burke: The Complete Television Series was Jack Lord’s first ride as a TV star. His performance as Stoney Burke is far from the law and order icon Steve McGarrett on Hawaii Five-O. The first episode sets up Stoney as a cowboy eager to get a championship buckle in the world of bronco riding. He’s helping get a rider on a horse. Things go bad and the bronco slams the rider into the wall. The rider goes limp and gets raced to the hospital. Stoney comes along so he can get the news that the top rider was dead. Stoney doesn’t seem too upset . This doesn’t make him good friends with Bruce Dern (Big Love), who was pals with the dead rider. Lord’s only real friend on the rodeo circuit is Warren Oates (The Wild Bunch). How did a show starring Jack Lord, Bruce Dern and Warren Oates only last 32 episodes for the 1962-63. Although America was probably not eager to embrace a lead character who had a bit of an egotistical edge to him. He’s the type of character you’d find on an HBO or Showtime series. Compared to some of the shady characters roaming the corral, Stoney is a Boy Scout. “Fight Night” has Leonard Nimoy (Star Trek) riding the range. “Point of Honor” brings out Harry Dean Stanton (Repo Man). Michael Parks (Kill Bill) moseys up on “The Mob Riders.” “Sidewinder” tosses Strother Martin (The Wild Bunch). “Cousin Eunice” is Cloris Leachman (Hud). “Image of Glory” reflects Simon Oakland (Kolchak: The Night Stalker). Oscar Lifetime winner Hal Needham (Smokey and the Bandit) spreads “Webb of Fear.” Joby is none other than Oscar winner Robert Duvall (The Godfather). “Kincaid” presents Dick Clark in a rare acting gig. Ivan Dixon (Hogan’s Heroes) plays a doctor in “The Test.” The black and white show has a fine level of intensity about men who do their best to stay out of trouble so they can nearly kill themselves on untamed horses. Damn shame that Stoney got bucked after only 32 episodes.

My Little Pony – Friendship Is Magic: Princess Twilight Sparkle features several episodes from the third season that just aired on The Hub. Bronies rejoice with five episodes on the DVD that focuses on the newest princess of Equestria. “Games Ponies Play” has a big sporting event in the Crystal Empire. “Magical Mystery Cure” has Twilight Sparkle screw up her friends’ destinies. There’s plenty of musical numbers for the kids. “Mmmystery on the Friendship Express” deals with a cake being eaten on the train. Who could have done it? “Magic Duel” features a battle between Trixie and Twilight Sparkle. Loser must leave town. “Lesson Zero” has Twilight Sparkle screw up her friendship assignment. She tries to fix it by doing something problematic. The preschooler really liked this DVD since she’s back to loving Twilgiht Sparkle. The bonus features are a sing-along and pdf coloring pages.

A Haunting: The 2012 Season is an hour-long show about real life ghost tales. The series originally aired until 2007 on Discovery, but was recently revived for Destination America. And what better destinations can there be in America than haunted houses? “Blood Visions” has a family freak out after they move to Michigan. “Angels and Demons” exposes the demons in a Maryland house to a new bride. She has to exorcise the evil herself. Could you learn that in a TED talk? “Nightmare in Bridgeport” pits a child safety specialist against the demons that haunted him in his own childhood. “Dark Dreams” has another haunted house in Michigan. How come you never hear Jeff Daniels talk about haunted houses on those move your business to Michigan commercials? “Back from the Grave” is about a family in North Carolina that gets evil spirits popping out of a nearby graveyard. They keep hanging out at her house. I’ll bet it’s because she has cable. “Death’s Door” has a traveling ghost that goes from Indiana to New Mexico. There’s also two tales of Arkansas hauntings in the 10 episodes. As nights get warmer,A Haunting is perfect for late night spooking.

Cold Prey II finally brings the sequel to the hit Norwegian thriller to America. The movie picks up right when Cold Prey ended with Jannicke (Ingrid Bolso Berdal) surviving the massacre from the first film. She’s rushed to a hospital to recover. But there would be no recovery for her. Turns out the Mountain Man has also “survived” the ordeal. He’s also brought to the hospital to be dropped off at the morgue. Once he defrosts, the action heats up. It’s the best rampage in a hospital since Hard-Boiled. The movie works even if you haven’t seen the original Cold Prey. There’s a scenic beauty to this winter wonderland that gets splattered with plenty of gore. The perfect scare on a hot early spring night when you need to cool off the TV screen. The film features its original soundtrack with English subtitles. Berdal has gone on to roles in Chernobyl Diaries and Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters.

Inhumans brings the Paul Jenkins (writer) and Jae Lee (art) comic book to life using the Marvel Knights Animation process. The original Inhumans were a Jack Kirby/Stan Lee creation. They represented a variation on the X-Men. They live in the kingdom of Attilan and try to avoid outside contact. Instead of being born with a mutation, the Inhumans go through a ritual to gain their superpower from exposure to the Terrigan Mist. It’s a crap shoot if you get a cool power or become a mutant monster. Think of it as a really risky puberty. The action here covers Maximus the Mad going after his brother Black Bolt for control. Complicating their battle is an attack from outsiders eager to get their hands on the Mist. There’s rumors that Disney wants to turn this into their next big Marvel movie, but you can enjoy the Inhumans in a pure adaptation of the comic book panels. The bonus features has Paul Jenkins and others discuss what went into the comic book.

Iron Man: Armored Adventures – Season 2, Vol. 4 wraps up the 3D CGI series that aired on Nicktoons. The series is about the teenage adventures of Tony Stark and Pepper Potts. “Control-Alt-Delete” puts Tony inside a virtual world. Can he escape to reality? What is the Controller’s goal after he breaks Tony? “Doomsday” is a battle against Dr. Doom. Tony must team up with an unlikely ally. “The Hammer Falls” introduces Titanium Man. “Rage of the Hulk” brings Bruce Banner into the picture. Is S.H.I.E.L.D. far behind? “The Makluan Invasion” is a two-part finale that has the giant showdown. The bonus feature is art of Iron Monger, Makluan Aliens, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Vehicles.

Touched By An Angel: The Seventh Season brings another 25 episodes of heavenly charm. Roma Downey, Della Reese and John Dye return as the angels out to change people. This season they also seek to assist Valerie Bertinelli earn her wings in the business. “The Face on the Bar Room Floor” attempts to mend the bond between father and a hard partying son. Richard Chamberlain (Shogun), Lee Meriwether (Batman) and Ray Walston (Fast Times) need a little touching. “The Invitation” gets received by Guillermo Diaz (Weeds). “Restoration” wants Robert Loggia (The Sopranos) to live a little longer for a student. “The Empty Chair” gets filled by George Dzundza (Massage Parlor Murders). This is officially a double Duzundza column. “Reasonable Doubt” features recently departed Bonnie Frankin (One Day At A Time). “A Death in the Family” gives us a Scott Baio sighting. “I Am an Angel” brings back Lee Horsley (Matt Houston). “The Sign of the Dove” is another odd performance from the late great Charles Rocket (Max Headroom). “The Face of God” gives us the Dean of Thespians Harold Gould (Rhoda) and Soon-Tek Oh (Missing In Action 2). “Netherlands” has Mandy Patinkin play Satan! How can he be Satan and also head of the CIA on Homeland? “Shallow Water” is a two-parter with Faye Dunaway, Delta Burke (Designing Women), Rue McClanahan (Golden Girls) John Schneider (Dukes of Hazzard) and Randy Travis (country singer with issues). There’s only two more seasons before Touched By An Angel gets smited by a network programmer.

A Monster in Paris is a CGI animated feature from Luc Besson (Leon) and the director of Shark’s Tale. It’s a trip back to the Paris of 1910. It’s a reworking of Phantom of the Opera. Except instead of a deformed musician, the Monster is a giant tick with musical talent. Can he be a musical star while the city’s chief of police hunts him down as a monster? It’s a rather cute film that’s suitable for almost all ages. It’s fun to see the sights of Paris from a century ago in CGI recreation. What you really need to know is that the preschooler keeps dancing around the house singing this big musical number. A Monster in Paris isn’t nearly as scary as The Cars That Ate Paris. Voices for the American dub include Bob Balaban (Ghost World), Adam Goldberg and Catherine O’Hara. Sean Lennon provides the singing voice.