FRED Entertainment

ST. PAUL – The NFL’s latest season is upon us. Everybody else is running preview columns predicting how things will come out. I’m a sticking with Clubber Lang’s promise:

This is a league that generates billions from television contracts and the commissioner is nickel and diming the part-time referees. I hate the zebras as much as the next guy, but I’d rather not give them a “they’re just scabs’ excuse for blowing calls. Plus the real refs need the money to pay their bookies otherwise they’ll have another NBA happening.

I’m not much for the fantasy football business. I’ve got enough problems worrying that my team won’t choke. Why do I need to give a crap about 14 other players and their stats. Will the coach let my running back score from the one yard line? I’d rather bet on the length of halftime bathroom lines. But if I played the fantasy football with the guys at Hooters, I’d be picking Chris Kluwe in the first round. Sure Kluwe is the punter for the Minnesota Vikings, but I’ve grown to appreciate the guy from his posts at Deadspin. The man has personality and the ability to type more than 140 words about his latest jewelry. He took a break from training camp for this exchange with the Party Favors:

Party Favors: Do you have to practice that “thanks for having me punt out of the endzone, douchebags” stare during pre-season? Or is it natural talent?

Chris Kluwe: I just pretend I’m watching Kobe Bryant’s wife try to explain her expectations on marriage.

Party Favors: Priceless (or at least a $4 million ring worthy). If I find myself rooting for you, won’t I be hoping your team is stinking it up?

Chris Kluwe: You will indeed!

Good luck to Kluwe as he attempts to pin the other team deep with Ray Guy boomers. In my fantasy league, he’ll be responsible for the next hole punched in the Metrodome.

CANDY ALREADY

Who buys their Halloween candy now? August wasn’t over before the store aisles filled with bags of fun-sized candy bars. I don’t want to know that my candy has been sitting around for months before I steal it from the kid’s pumpkin. Get some fresh candy!

BREAKING UP WITH GIANNA

It’s with a heavy heart that I must announce my beak up with Giada De Laurentiis. I’d rather you read it here than see it on TMZ. The good times are over after what seems like a decade of her foodgasm mouth dominating my TV. Why did it end? Cause I’ve found a new passionate TV chef.

My heart and tongue belongs to Nadia G. The star of the Cooking Channel’s Nadia G.’s Bitchin’ Kitchen makes me drool. She’s Italian and Canadian thus feeding my Phil Esposito fetish. I have a dream of us roaming around Montreal as she points out spots where Leonard Cohen picked up the ladies. She keeps pulling warm treats out of her picnic basket. Mmmmmmm brisket sandwiches with her Nonna’s sauce dripping on my Blues Explosion t-shirt. I’ll even pretend I know her secret language to put her linguini deep in my mouth.

The third season of Nadia G’s Bitchin’ Kitchen starts Sept. 26. Don’t get between me and the TV or you will be shaved like nutmeg.

LATIN FLAVOR MICHEAL JACKSON

Perhaps you enjoy the music of Michael Jackson, but would like to hear it spiced up. Tony Succor has put together an all-star band for UNITY: The Latin Tribute to Michael Jackson. Fourteen of Jackson’s biggest hits are given Latin/Tropical Pop treatment. The singers include Tito Nieves, La India, Obie Bermúdez, Jennifer Peña, Michael Stuart, Kevin Ceballo and Jan. Here’s a taste of what’s to come from this project:

MAD MONSTER PARTY

The passing of Phyllis Diller was a sad event. How can she go away? What will Fang do without her? She’s kind of back with the Blu-ray of Mad Monster Party coming out in time for Halloween. Here’s a clip of the Rankin-Bass production that’s so much better than Adam Sandler’s Transylvania Hotel .

DVD SHELF

Rawhide: The Fifth Season, Volume 1 & Volume 2 takes us back to a time when Clint Eastwood didn’t talk for 14 minutes at once. Clint was the quiet foreman Rowdy Yates on an endless cattle drive back in 1962. “Incident of the Four Horsemen” gives us more Claude Akins (Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo). He might be plotting against Eric Fleming to run the herd through a range war. “Incident of the Lost Women” finds a younger Harry Dean Stanton (Paris, Texas). “Incident at Sugar Creek” finds refuge in the good heart of Beverly Garland (Not of This Earth). For those with poor short term memories, Claude Akin returns for “Incident at Quivira.” This time he’s a Sergeant involved in a hunt for a fountain of youth. “Incident at Spider Rock” frightens us with Lon Chaney Jr. (The Wolf Man). Things get ugly when the drovers get cheated at a bar. Among the fighters is James Best (Dukes of Hazzard). “Incident at Crooked Hat” has a gunfight between the wrong people. James Gregory (Barney Miller and The Lawless Years) helps straighten things out. Another Universal Monster arrives for “Incident of Judgment Day.” Claude Rains (The Invisible Man) get involved when two former Confederate POWs have a beef with Clint Eastwood. Robert Loggia (The Sopranos intimidates “Incident of the Comanchero.” “Incident at Rio Doloroso” gets messy when the cattle cross private land that’s controlled by Cesar Romero (Batman‘s The Joker). “Incident at Alkali Sink” lets Russell Johnson play a cowboy instead of being the Professor on Gilligan’s Island. Rawhide used to be on during the weekends on one of the digital subchannels. Not sure where it went, but who cares now that another season is on DVD. Only three more seasons to go. It was around this time that Clint went to Spain to make A Fistful of Dollars. Let’s remember him as a cowboy rather than the Chairwhisperer.

Halloween II Collector’s Edition gives us “More of the Night He Came Home.” The sequel to John Carpenter’s Halloween starts right where the original stopped. The traumatized Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) is being taken to the hospital as Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence) discovers his six bullets didn’t stop Michael Myers. The killer is on the loose. They didn’t diddle around with five years later or a new town. The horror of the Halloween night keeps coming. You can marathon both films into a night of thrills, chills and kills. Loomis hits the town with the cops wanting to track down Myers. But the killer is heading straight to the hospital. Why must he get Laurie? The answer will be revealed. There’s also a big nasty explosion. The bonus features make this a major upgrade (along with the Blu-ray’s excellent 1080p transfer). There’s two audio commentaries including director Rick Rosenthal. “The Nightmare Isn’t Over!” is a documentary that explains how the project came together even without John Carpenter in the director’s chair. “Horror’s Hallowed Ground” revisits the locations to see how some haven’t changed in 30 years. There’s also deleted scenes and the alternate ending. The biggest bonus is the television cut of the movie on a second DVD. It might be a minute shorter, but there’s plenty of footage replacement to make things pass the TV censors.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch was billed as “The night no one comes home.” Unfortunately it became the night that nobody went to the cinema. Why would a horror sequel do so poorly? Because it didn’t really feature Michael Myers. When the initial reviews mentioned the lack of the psychotic killer in the William Shatner mask, fans stayed home. They didn’t want to see a movie about evil Halloween masks being sold across the country. Silver Shamrock rubber masks have a secret inside them. Tom Akins (The Fog) is a doctor that gets involved in the violent plot when a patient is killed and the killer blows himself up in a car explosion. Can he expose the company or will he be killed? The movie does tie in with the original film since an airing of Halloween on TV is the trigger for the diabolical scheme. There’s a fantastically annoying commercial constantly run by the mask manufacturer that should become the jingle of Party City around the time. The bonus features include “Stand Alone” seem deals with how it didn’t turn out to be a good thing to use Halloween as the trademark of a film series that wasn’t just about Michael Myers always coming home. Friday 13th would achieve this when they launched the TV series in the late ’80s that wasn’t merely about Jason killing teens. But this time the gimmick was a glitch. What’s nice is seeing director Tommy Lee Wallace meet fans of the film who didn’t feel cheated. There’s no reason to feel cheated since it’s a good ’80s horror film that has no problem making snakes come out of a kid’s face. “Horror’s Hallowed Grounds” lets Sean Clark take Wallace to place he hasn’t been in three decades. Halloween III: Season of The Witch would have done better if it had just been Season of the Witch. This should be part of your Spooktacular marathon this October.

The Garfield Show: Holiday Extravaganza covers the major holidays until the end of the year. The episodes are from the recent CGI Garfield series. Seven episodes cover the holidays that require TV specials. “The Haunted House” is spooked by a ghost cat. Jon inherits a haunted house in “Heir Apparent.” They must stay in the house or lose ownership. “Turkey Trouble” should have had a fresh turkey delivered to the house for Thanksgiving. The turkey turns out to be extra fresh since it’s alive. Can Garfield bring down the ax? “Caroling Capers” plots to feed Garfield when he sings door to door. Except can a cat really make holiday music? “Home for the Holidays” is a two part special. Garfield understands the true spirit of Christmas by finding homes for abandoned pets. This DVD shall give you a reason to love holidays and hate Mondays.

Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation, Volume One brought the live action of the movies to the small screen (Fox Kids) back in 1997. What exactly makes this a “Next Mutation?” The arrival of Venus de Milo, the female Ninja Turtle. Finally little girls had their own hero in a half shell. Volume One has the first 13 of the 26 episodes produced. The season starts off with the five part “East Meets West” which makes it movie length. It’s hard to tell if the show was originally created to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV. They are using the same sets and props as the second and third films. What makes it seem like this wasn’t a complete salvage operation was the lack of star power in the human guests. It was a good way to cover the bases so that the producers packaged the five episodes as a straight to video movie. The big new enemy in the series is Dragonlord. He leads the dragonpeople that call themselves “The Rank.” The show fits well with the Power Rangers. But since the costume action wasn’t imported from Japan, the turtle lips match up with their words. Even the gangster ape in “All in the Family” looks good. This is all about the guys in the turtle suits and the introduction of the female turtle. The final 13 episodes on Volume 2 are scheduled to come out on Dec. 4.

For the Love of Money is this Fall’s gangster-palooza. Some criminal films make references to classic mobster films, but Money casts the mobster stars in supporting roles. James Caan (The Godfather), Steven Bauer (Scarface) and Paul Sorvino (Godfellas). They even cast a few former child stars in Edward Furlong (Terminator 2) and Jonathan Lipnicki (Jerry Maguire). What’s interesting is how Jeffrey Tambor (The Larry Sanders Show & Arrested Development) gets pulled into the tangle. But who is the star? Izek (Yuda Levi) escapes a gangster related childhood in Israel. He wants to be an honest businessman in Los Angeles, but crime won’t leave him alone. His brother (The Mummy‘s Oded Fehr) wants to bring him over to the dark side. True story shows his struggle to not fall in with the criminal element or a shallow grave. The big thrill is getting to experience the return of Lipnicki.

Adventures of the Wilderness Family is a film for today. Skip Robinson (Robert Logan) gets sick of the city and drags the family to woods of Colorado. Except instead of Aspen, they’re really deep in the sticks. So deep in the wilderness that they can’t get the internet. Their lack of internet is also due to the fact that they’re stuck in 1975. Wilderness Family was a family favorite cinema success on par with Born Free. Skip’s and the family don’t have an easy time living the simple life. Things are a lot more demanding than the rustic paintings of bygone days. They experience natural disasters and wild animal attacks. The biggest trouble is the fact that Skip has zero frontier survival skills. Forget bears and wolves, this family could end up in Donner Party territory if the kids decide to grill the old man for a real meal. The film holds up after nearly 40 years. There is good kitsch fun with the ’70s fashions and dangerous things you can’t do anymore. They drive around town with the daughter in the back of the pickup truck. The bonus features on the DVD include the original TV commercials and theatrical trailer. This success of Wilderness Family led to The Further Adventures of the Wilderness Family and Mountain Family Robinson. The entire trilogy is available as Video On Demand. At the end of the trailer on Youtube, you can rent the film for 24 hours.

Kojak: Season Five wraps up the legend of the greatest bald police lieutenant. What took down Lt. Kojak? The usual suspect of low ratings. The final caseload isn’t disappointing. They even bring in the greatest showman in Las Vegas to dazzle the eyes. “A Strange Kind of Love” makes a cabbie impress a talk radio hostess. He kills the people she things deserve to be punished. “The Summer of ’69” is a two-parter that puts Kojak on the trail of a serial killer. The problem is that Kojak thought he shot the guy dead a long time ago. Stephen McHattie (The Watchmen) and Thalmus Rasulala (Blacula) are part of the killer comeback. “The Captain’s Brothers’ Wife” places Shelley Winters in trouble with mobsters. “May the Horse Be With You” brings a Star Wars pun to the force. Horse thieves are loose at the track. Jeff Conaway (Taxi) might be involved although he seemed to have liked a different kind of horse. “60 Miles to Hell” goes all out on star power when Liberace meets up with Kojak in a Las Vegas caper. Detective Croker (Kevin Dobson) Is part of a group of kidnapped people. Kojak’s only hope is working with one half of a topless magic act (Three’s Company‘s Priscilla Barnes. Don’t get too excited since they didn’t hint at nudity back in 1978. This episode would have ruled on Showtime. Normally this is the part of a review where the writer begs for the revival movies and series to come out on a DVD set. Turns out Shout! Factory already covered that on Kojak: The Complete Movies Collection. This is the final lollipop in Telly Savalas’ career as Kojak. He’s received the complete DVD love. While the show tries to be somewhat serious, it’s hilarious how they amped up the opening theme with a disco beat. Almost expect Kojak to be cuffing people at Studio 54 with such a tempo. Maybe Disco Kojak could have saved the series?

Power Rangers Samurai: Monster Bash reminds us that even though the Power Rangers dress up every day and battle monsters, Halloween is still a special holiday. The compilation DVD starts off with the recent “Party Monsters” episode from Samurai Power Rangers. This is a clip show with a bizarre premise. There’s a Halloween party going on in Nighlok Heaven. The various monsters recount how they killed by the Power Rangers. Talk about a downerrific fest. There are two other episodes centered on October 31. “Life’s A Masquerade” turns a school party into a battle with a mega-sized Frankenstein’s Monster. The big highlight of the show is Bulk and Skull dressing up as young and fat Elvis. “Trick of Treat” lets Skull and Pink Ranger compete on a gameshow. But they just can’t answer questions when a rapping pumpkin invades the town. Even worse is Bulk’s scheme to get his main man to win big. This is a fun DVD to break out while scooping the guts out of your pumpkin and cutting eyeholes in a sheet.

Safe stars the only “active” action star in The Expendables. Jason Statham has become the 21st century tough guy even with the lack of lush locks. He’s got a two fisted charm with his English accent. This time he plays an ex-NYC cop that’s supplementing his private eye income with time as a cage fighter. After burning his fighting career, he gets what seems like a simple case. He merely has to find an abducted Chinese math whiz. Problem is that she was grabbed by Chinese gangsters in order to get access to the complicated vault code. Turns out the Russian mob also wants the girl. To make matters worst, crooked NYPD members get involved in the chase. Everybody wants to open the safe with the girl. Statham gives another performance exposing his inner badass. The legendary James Hong (Kung Fu Panda) gets to prove that he belongs amongst the Expendables. Along with the DVD of Safe, you can get to access the film via iTunes and UltraViolet. Statham will be your buttkicking buddy on the go.