Author: admin

  • Comics & Comics: A Course In Comedy

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    Howdy Inter-Webbers, I’m Matt Cohen, and I dig sketch comedy (have we done this one yet?).

    Let me clarify… I dig GOOD sketch comedy. There is possibly nothing as unfunny as a filmed comedy sketch that goes wrong. When jokes miss in a feature length film, it doesn’t really matter too much because if one doesn’t work, there is a good chance the next one will. With sketches, it’s a whole different, deadlier ball game. When all of your comedy boils down to one concept, and that one concept doesn’t hit, disaster is a light way of describing what occurs. I have seen some downright awful sketches in my day (most, unfortunately, on network television) and it has made me a bit of a snob when it comes to sketch comedy that I like. Because the truly funny troupes are so hard to find, when I do discover a group I enjoy, I tend to obsess a bit, as I do with most “fringe” things I get into. I can’t help it. There are few things in the world that impress me as much as a quality, successful comedy sketch. Over the years I’ve seen probably thousands of sketches – most crap, some good, and some on a whole different plane all together. This week, I take a look at the sketches I consider to be “The Best of All Time”. Now, that’s not saying the following pieces are the funniest sketches ever – they just happen to be some of my favorite. School’s ’bout to start, kids… Hope you brought me an apple (covered in caramel and Reeses Pieces).

    IN NO RANKING ORDER (Choosing a favorite out of these would be like choosing my favorite finger, and though me and my right thumb are tight as hell, I like to think all of my fingers are worth their weight in gold… or at least pleather.)

    Oh, and to be safe, these sketches may not be suitable for work… Unless you work somewhere cool

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    Pre Taped Call in Show

    Premise: Ken Doral (David Cross) is the host of a pre-taped call in show. Confused yet? Each week on the program, Ken takes calls that deal with the next week’s subjects. Still confused? It appears everyone is – except Ken.

    The Audition

    Premise: Denny Whitkin (Cross) is attending an open casting call for a role in a television show. He forgot to bring a chair. Can he borrow yours?

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    Mr. Hilter

    Premise: A small bed and breakfast has some new guests arrive for a stay. They may or may not be formal Nazi war criminals.

    Confuse-A-Cat

    Premise: What to do with a bored cat? Let Confuse-a-Cat do the hard work for you!

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    Will Arnett Sex Tape

    Premise: Aziz and Paul are two down on their luck paparazzi who come up with an idea to snag the hottest photos and get into the hottest locations. Three magic words… Olsen. Twin. Masks.

    Clell Tickle: Indie Marketing Guru

    Premise: Clell Tickle (Aziz) is the world’s foremost Indie music publicity master. Why, you may ask? Simple… Clell doesn’t take no for an answer..

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    What Really Happened To Abe Lincoln

    Premise: The place? Ford Theatre. The time? 18 something something (cmon!). The players? Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth. Find out what really happened on that fateful day.

    Sic Sempur Tyrranus

    Premise: Or is this what really happened?

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    Scottish Hotel

    Premise: Ray McCooney (David Walliams) is the proprietor of a small bed and breakfast in Scotland. Some customers have some questions regarding their meal, and Ray has some answers. Have you ever heard?…

    Only Gay in the Village

    Premise: Daffyd Thomsan (Matt Lucas) is the only gay in his small Welsh village… Or so he likes to maintain.

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    Hello Dave!

    Premise: Reece Shearsmith is Papa Lazarou, some sort of clown/minstrel/traveling salesman/horrific monster. Papa’s wife needs to use the restroom. The only question is, will Dave be home to answer the door?

    Jedd Hunter’s Commercial

    Premise: Pamela Dove (Shearsmith) is an aspiring actress. What she is aspiring to is anyone’s guess. Jedd Hunter (Steve Pemberton), famed commercial director, gives Pam her first audition.

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    Ass Pennies

    Premise: Matt Walsh and Ian Roberts discuss ways to avoid being intimidated at work. It involves pennies and ass.

    Fortune Cookies

    Premise: The UCB four eat at a Chinese restaurant, and when the fortune cookies are brought out, Ian Robert’s lucky numbers won’t be the only thing revealed.

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    That’s the list. Love it? Hate it? Love me? (Not likely) Hate me? (More likely) Leave a comment, and while you’re at it, leave a link to your own favorite comedy sketches. I’m sure I left out some of your personal bests (I did it on purpose, out of spite), so be a nice neighbor and share with the class.

    Wasn’t that fun, kids? I had a blast – so much fun, in fact, that I think I need a week to recover. So check back on the get back. And, as always,

    “Keep em’ bagged and boarded”

    Matt Cohen is currently wondering if it rains down in Africa.

  • TV Or Not TV: 7/7 – 7/13

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    Ah, summer. Temperatures outside are running higher, television quality is running lower and we all depend on the local mega-plex and other destination entertainment to keep us occupied. What’s a TV critic to do?

    Sadly one thing I have to do at this point is to state my dissatisfaction with the current season of Weeds. Don’t get me wrong, the show is still good. Right now I am sure that what I am suffering from is the not knowing of the vision of where the story is going. I’m not really feeling Nancy Botwin just being a drug mule, especially after her statement last season that she isn’t anyone’s bitch any more, yet here she is depending on her daily bread coming from moving drugs across the border for somebody else. I think that it also doesn’t help for me that she is currently on the DEA radar because there is, on the surface, only one inevitable conclusion which is her being busted. The good folk over at LOST and Heroes can be partially blamed for my early skepticism as both shows had second seasons that started off weak but (thankfully) got much better (LOST also had the same syndrome its third season and we have yet to see if Heroes will suffer the same mistake).

    There is a shining star out there this week, a nice beacon of hope. That light is Burn Notice premiering on Thursday. Don’t miss it.

    Let’s move on to the nitty-gritty”¦

    MONDAY

    ABC ““ 8:00 PM: The Bachelorette makes her decision tonight. I’ll be on the edge of my seat I’m sure.

    SHO ““ 10:00 PM: Since I rode it pretty hard above I have to say that there may be something to Weeds this week. The family sits shiva, Albert Brooks is at his last episode and I’m hoping things move more in a forward direction.

    TUESDAY

    NBC ““ 8:00 PM: This week on Celebrity Family Feud it’s all about Earl with the Hickey clan vs. the Camden County All-Stars. The second pairing is the cast of The Office vs. the American Gladiators. If they do all of this in character it could be outstanding. If not, it’s just a commercial masquerading as a show.

    FOX ““ 9:00 PM: Tonight the final chef is chosen on Hell’s Kitchen. Here is hoping he makes someone cry anyway.

    The CW ““ 9:00 PM: If you missed it the first time you can catch Jamie Kennedy’s guest spot on Reaper tonight as he plays a musician trying to sell his soul for fame.

    WEDNESDAY

    NBC ““ 8:00 PM: Baby Borrowers just keeps getting better and better. The teens now have to deal with toddlers and one of the teens finally reaches the breaking point.

    E!”“ 8:00 PM: Bask in the shallowness of the 30 Best and Worst Beach Bodies.

    SCIFI ““ 10:00 PM: Tracy Morgan is the new host for this season of Scare Tactics. If he’s half as crazy as he comes off on 30 Rock this could be good.

    THURSDAY

    NBC ““ 8:00 PM: It’s nothing but Last Comic Standing tonight as the 12 final contestants are chosen in the re-air of last week’s episode followed by speed round head to head laugh off’s between them to decide who gets immunity.

    USA ““ 10:00 PM: Tonight is the return of last summer’s surprise hit Burn Notice. Even though the show is shot in Miami they figured out another way to turn up the heat by casting Battlestar Galactica’s Tricia Hellfer.

    FX ““ 8:00 PM: Don’t let the title fool you, Hellboy is a great story and a visual wonder to behold.

    FRIDAY

    USA ““ 11:00 AM: Get in the mood for next week’s season premiere of Monk with a nice marathon. You just can’t get enough of the Defective Detective.

    TNT ““ 8:00 PM: Enjoy the touching tale of a father/daughter reunion after overcoming great adversity in ConAir.

    SCIFI ““ 10:00 PM: It’s the season premiere of Stargate Atlantis. I don’t follow the show at all but thought you might like to be reminded.

    SATURDAY

    ABC ““ 8:00 PM: On the Wonderful World of Disney we are treated to The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement.

    FOOD ““ 10:00 PM: The backyard isn’t just for men tonight on Grill Girls.

    SUNDAY

    CBS ““ 8:00 PM: My big summer guilty pleasure, Big Brother, returns with it’s 10th installment. There are a ton of reasons why I love this show starting with the loveable and extremely hate-able contestants, the rapid decline of the social structure and the rapid decline in the contestant’s paranoia. The only problem with the show is that there are usually too many people in the beginning, some of which are easy to confuse with the others. This edition they are at least promising us people of a greater age range and extremely conflicting beliefs/personalities. I predict that within another three seasons this show will just be booked by the same people that find guests for Jerry Springer, who you can catch on”¦

    NBC ““ 9:00 PM: This year’s Miss Universe Pagent is hosted by Jerry Springer and Mel B who you can also catch on”¦

    TLC ““ 9:00 PM: The Singing Office drops in on JetBlue and the Los Angeles Zoo to find their contestants for this week’s sing off.

    Will Wilkins can’t believe he tied all of Sunday together like that.

  • Opinion In A Haystack: I AM LUCAS

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    A short, short time from now”¦in a state not that far away, the most unique terrorist attack in the history of earth is about to take place. It will not be thrown upon its victims due to politics, religion, land, or food”¦but out of love. Love of an art form. An army of men, better known as the George-Lucas Excommunicative Experimental Kinship (or GEEK,) toil away in their painfully cliché’ parent’s basements. Through extensive research and highly-evolved GEEK knowledge they construct a neurotoxin that attacks the centers of the human brain most active in those that have the slightest amount of talent and/or passion for telling stories and making films. They plan to stop Hollywood dead in its tracks, crashing the “can’t leave well-enough alone” train from going any further. The toxin renders the victim completely unable to be creative in the slightest capacity, which, as the research shows, gives great rise to plain white t-shirt sales.

    GEEK, reeling with anger from years of constant cinematic rape of their childhood heroes and stories, releases the toxin throughout all of Hollywood via coffee houses, coke parties, and cellular telephone stores. Needless to say, it disables everyone in or remotely associated with the American movie industry, turning them into creatively-void zombies walking the streets with nothing new or inventive in their minds. George Lopez and Dane Cook finally fit in.

    However, the attack goes completely awry. GEEK’s main target, that of George Lucas himself, goes completely unaffected (also Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, except they have talent, yet it’s just for turning a profit and being less funny then AIDS.) Scrambling to figure out where their calculations went wrong, it comes to their attention that Lucas’s brain center’s for talent, and especially passion, have been completely stone dead for the past 20 years. Every writer and director in Hollywood is now rendered useless. The studios panic, they know they can no longer put their faith, money, or trust in fresh new talent or properties that don’t already exist with a built-in fan base”¦so they go to the only man left that is still functioning the same as before. George Lucas is given the task by all major studios to write, direct and possibly star in hundreds upon thousands of CGI-soaked sequels, prequels, and remakes to pre-existing franchises. Lucas, of course, plans to triumph at his main goal, which is to suck every last ounce of mystery, beauty, and timeless endurance out of everything he touches. Here are simply a few of his upcoming projects:

    (note to reader: to make this all the more authentic I am writing it in the period of exactly one weekend all off the top of my head, while simultaneously disregarding all my knowledge of the existing source material, tone, character traits, and franchise precedents set in prior installments.)

    Title – Gremlins: Origins

    Director ““ George Lucas

    Writers ““ David Koepp & George Lucas

    Music ““ Composed and conducted by The John Williams’s Score Simulator 3000

    Cast ““ Zach Galligan (as the voice of the Human), Shia LeBeouf, Ben Kingsley (as Scythe), and Tom Cruise

    Production ““ Prequel. All mogwais and gremlins will be fully-digitally created in a fully realized live-action computer generated environment by ILM. Zach Galligan’s voice will make a cameo at the very end, however his part will be played by a life-sized, computer-controlled human puppet.

    Pitch ““ The long awaited tale of how America’s favorite green menaces came to be. Pioneer director Lucas takes us on a long and breathtaking ride through his vision of Gizmo’s journey from infant mogwai to where we first met him. We begin on the Mogwai planet Terthdor, showing gizmo’s parents, Frenzoy and Yuter, walking through the highly-detailed and complex city of Bloutohn. We learn, through passing television ads and character banter (all the mogwais and gremlins can talk in English with british accents) about the ongoing global war between the Mogwai Unitarian Front and “those whom have consumed” or the Morphed Ones. They are a race of mogwais that broke the cardinal rule of their race and consumed foodstuffs after their local star, Halphi 385-2, set below the horizon, thus morphing them into devilish, marauding, deformed creatures. The leader of the Morphed Ones being, Scythe, an extremely evil brute, the son of Scrape who started the rebellion against Mogwai society. Frenzoy and Yuter soon go to a local hydration center, where little Gizmo is born during a city-wide invasion of the Morphed Ones. Gizmo eventually grows to lead the Unitarian Front, saves the planet, and leaves Terthdor to explore the galaxy as a mighty conqueror.

    Title ““ The Never Ending Story 4: Never Beginning

    Director ““ George Lucas

    Writers ““ David Koepp (Dialogue by George Lucas)

    Music ““ Composed and conducted by Tay Zonday

    Cast ““ Shia LeBeouf, Bill Pullman and Cher

    Production ““ Prequel. All creatures and beings found in Fantasia will be fully digitally-created in a fully realized live-action computer generated environment by ILM. All humans will be filmed in full green screen bodysuits with only their faces exposed. Necessary elements (rooms, furniture, nature, torsos, and limbs) will be added in post, including re-edited human lip movements that need adjustment to last-minute script changes.

    Pitch ““ Brilliant storyteller and dream weaver George Lucas shows us a peek into the creation of the most mysterious book in all of filmdom. A four-and-a-half hour drama detailing the life of Hanson Kentucky, the author of The NeverEnding story. The entirety of the film will take place in Hanson’s apartment, while he pecks away at his trusty typewriter and has extremely extended conversations with his roommate Gorge Klucas. The culmination will, of course, be the last hour and fifteen minutes, which shows the extended process of book binding. All shots of Fantasia and Fantasia-related characters will be found after the credits, which will tell the prequel story of how Hanson Kentucky did drugs in the early 60’s and created a beautiful world of fantasy while sitting in the parking lot of a local cake-icing factory”¦all Fantasia characters will be shown in extremely quick, one frame per character, photo montages to The Imperial March.

    Title ““ Police Academy: The Jolly Adventures of Young Mahoney

    Director ““ George Lucas

    Writers ““ David Koepp, George Lucas

    Music ““ Composed and conducted by Five Young Cannibals

    Cast ““ Vin Diesel (as the voice of Commandant Lassard,) Sarah Jessica Parker, Shia LeBeouf (as the voice of Young Mahoney,) and Roseanne Bar

    Production ““ Prequel. A CG-animated family adventure

    Pitch ““ America’s favorite Police Officer is back! This time, with maverick director George Lucas at the helm, we find Mahoney at the spry age of six playing “cops and robbers” in his parent’s backyard with other local children that in no way resemble the varied plethora of characters found throughout the Police Academy movies. This will be a PG-rated family comedy about one young boy’s life long quest to become not only an upstanding citizen, but a stern and just member of the police force. Steve Guttenberg is in talks to cameo as the Grizzled Waste Barge Captain.

    Title ““ Poltergeist: Life to Death

    Director ““ George Lucas

    Writers ““ David Koepp, George Lucas, Uwe Boll

    Music ““ Composed and conducted by Papa Roach

    Cast ““ Jon Lovitz, OprahWinfrey, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Shia LeBeouf and Bernie Mac (as the voice of the Ghost Puppy)

    Production ““ Prequel. Live-Action. All actors will be digitally-replicated using motion capture technology, while practical effects will be used to bring the Ghost Puppy to the life. (Ghost Puppy puppets will be digitally rotoscoped in post to fit with the rest of production)

    Pitch – A live-action romp through the lives of the humans whose souls are destined to haunt the Freeling family household. Our story, written by earthbound deity George Lucas, begins in the olden days of the Wild West (year not researched.) The narrative takes place on the Freeling Family Ranch, where Wilbur Freeling and his family of five live peacefully raising chickens. Soon the evil local sheriff, played with a CG face and digitally simulated voice by Jon Lovitz, alerts Wilbur that he owes a mighty hefty amount of taxes and if he doesn’t pay up the bank will take the farm. Just to show how serious he is, the sheriff kills the family dog Buttermeat. Luckily, through a series of fight scenes, wagon chases, and alien abductions, the Freeling Family finds a way to resurrect Buttermeat the Puppy and with his newfound ghost abilities (as well as his unexplained ability to talk) he helps the Freelings pay off the bank and save the ranch. Stay tuned after the credits, a fully animated Meet Buttermeat The Ghost Puppy comedy short awaits, along with further adventures of Buttermeat, to be released simultaneously with the theatrical release. Buttermeat Blu-Rays will be found in every new Poltergeist: Life to Death action figure play set!

    Title ““ Back To The Future 2009

    Director ““ George Lucas

    Writers – David Koepp, George Lucas, David Spade

    Music ““ Composed and conducted by Hannah Montana

    Cast ““ Megan Fox (as Marty McFly), Shia LeBeouf (as Doc Brown), and Michael Bay (as Biff Tannen)

    Production ““ Remake. All actors will be shot at separate times, separate sound stages, using separate versions of the script in front of green screens and digitally placed in a fully realized live-action CG environment. Several Deloreans will be purchased, dismantled, have all parts scanned into 3D replication computer programs, melted down, discarded, then reassembled digitally and have actors placed inside them through the miracle of Digital-CG-Greenscreen-Computer-Anti-analog-3D-digital technology. The digital 3D Delorean model will be formatted to look like a Hummer H3.

    Pitch ““ Freedom propagator and certified genius George Lucas takes on his most challenging battle yet, to finally make a heavily beloved film classic (that he barely remembers) ACTUALLY watchable to him and his children. We find our female hero Marty Mcfly as a struggling nymphomaniac high school student in the year 2009 who befriends a borderline teenage physicist by the name of Doug Brown, better known to his drug dealers and mafia contacts as Doc. Marty and Doc, while participating in a heavily sexual deviant act in the midst of driving to a local crack house accidentally drive their parent’s H3-Delorean into a wormhole. They soon find themselves in the land of Thefewture, where they befriend a local hovercraft-Priest named Biff who teaches them a lesson about respecting animal rights and safe sex practices. Mr. Lucas plans on remaking the entire trilogy, all concluding with Doc Brown revealing his true identity, that of Hue-E Luiss from the Planet Lovepower.

    Title ““ Ghostbusters (possible subtitle: Ascension of the Demon Death Killers from Hell)

    Director ““ George Lucas

    Writers ““ David Koepp, George Lucas

    Music ““ Composed and conducted by Lenny Kravitz

    Cast ““ Cuba Gooding Jr., Shia LeBeouf (as Slimer)

    Production ““ Remake. Taking a cue from the structure of The Nutty Professor films, Cuba Gooding Jr. will be playing the role of every ghostbuster, Dana, Goezer and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. The entire movie will be completely produced, animated, polished, directed, rendered, and finished by Pixar Studios as if it were to be released theatrically as a CG-animated movie. Cuba will then be shown the movie on a green screened set, while trying his best to act out each role of the entire film while viewing the fully produced animated feature. His performance, along with Mr. LeBeouf’s will then be reproduced digitally, acted out by professional mimes wearing motion-capture suits then re-animated to which the actors will then add their voices. The original fully-produced animated feature will then be discarded in the furnaces below Skywalker Ranch.

    Pitch ““ Story-crafting film-God and monument-to-integrity George Lucas tries his hand at re-imagining one of the most loved and respected comedies ever made. Due to the extremely complex and ingenious form of filmmaking being used the movie will only run a brisk 38 minutes, 15 of which will consist of the tightly-woven complexities of Egon’s childhood in which he reads several books and experiences difficulty sleeping. Soon demons from the fourth circle of hell invade New York City killing every human they come into contact with by gutting them like sinful fish. Lucas, doing his best to be in keeping with the franchise, brings us to a climax beyond epic proportions as The Ghostbusters soon team up with the loveable 100 foot tall Marshmallow Man and his army of kung-fu mini-mallows and battle the head of the demons from hell”¦Slimer.

    Title ““ Beverly Hills Cop 4: The Rise of the Disappointed Man

    Director ““ George Lucas

    Writer ““ George Lucas

    Music ““ Composed and conducted by George Lucas

    Cast ““ George Lucas (as the Disappointed Man), Shia LeBeouf (as Axel Foley)

    Production ““ Will contain not only the greatest quantity but, by far, the greatest computer generated special effects ever put to screen or seen by human retinas. Lucas and LeBeouf, the only human actors to appear in the entire film, will spend at least 5 years, 10 hours a day, painted in full body green screen latex liquid adhesive. This will, quite possibly, be the most ambitious film project ever to be attempted, requiring more money, man power, resources, post production, and technological advancement then 300,000 times that of The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Clerks movies multiplied by six and all combined as one lump sum. The fully-generated real world environments will have a higher resolution then that of any HD format, possibly even higher then real life itself.

    Pitch ““ Earth’s intellectual savior and the smartest and most creative man in all the span of recorded human history, George Lucas, captains this film as if it were the life of his only child. The unenlightened should remember that Mr. Lucas brilliantly portrayed the role of the Disappointed Man in Beverly Hills Cop 3. His small, but miraculous turn as a man waiting for a ride on an amusement park attraction, only to be told he can’t get on it, took him to the very depths of his soul, possibly reaching the breaking point. Lucas, a method actor, took the role to heart, and now using every skill and resource at his disposal, will finish off this character’s story. We come into this saga not much longer after the events which transpired for the Disappointed Man during BHC3. He wanders the streets, mumbling with anger, brimming with viscous rage, plotting his vengeance against Axel Foley and Planet Earth for their refusal to let him have his share of fun. He goes mad with revenge coursing through his brain. He discovers that Axel Foley’s definition of fun is watching his favorite film adventure series starring his favorite film character ever”¦Dakota Johnson. The Disappointed Man goes on a mission. Using his huge bank account and vast connections within the film industry, he gets the writing/directing job on the next Dakota Johnson movie”¦Dakota Johnson and the Land of the Ruby Eyeballs. He carefully studies all three previous Dakota movies, takes extensive notes on tone, character, plot, dialogue, and fan reactions. His in-depth reports on the original Dakota trilogy sum up everything that was beloved and enjoyed by every lifelong, die-hard, fan of the franchise”¦especially that of Axel Foley himself. The world, and Axel, wait with baited breath for the return of their favorite hero of all time, only to be horrified at the result. The Disappointed Man, filled with blind rage and acute knowledge of overblown dreck, turned Foley’s beloved hero, his source of fun and his inspiration to be a hero himself, into a childish tub of festering gopher shit, covered in a thick layer of anuses that spew vomit onto the beautiful Dakota Johnson trilogy that preceded it. Axel Foley mourns the rape of his hero. The Disappointed Man successfully destroyed Foley’s fun, as well as everyone else’s. Foley, sadly sitting surrounded by his framed Dakota Johnson original trilogy posters simply laments to himself”¦ “If only he would have left well enough alone and realized there were OTHER rides in the park he could fucking get on. Piece of shit”¦I miss Billy.”

    The following projects are soon to be further developed by George Lucas, once he gets a few more weekends free to talk to his kids about ideas. All of the following star Shia Lebouf, as well as none of the original cast members, unless otherwise noted:

    Ernest Saves The Universe

    Revenge of the Nerds 5: Voyage to NERD Island

    Dumb and Dumbererer: Harry and Lloyd go to Heaven

    Blues Brothers 3000

    Lumberjack Pee-Wee’s Giant Tree House

    Predator 3: Pizza Vacation

    Rocky Balboa 2: Rocky 7: PUNCH Planet!

    Short Circuit 3: Johnny wins the Robotic Olympics

    Star Trek: The Day The Moon Expanded

    Superman and the Onslaught of Alien Pimps

    Lethal Weapon 5: The Haunted Missile Silo

    Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2

    Naked Gun 4: The Serious Files

    Wayne‘s World 3: Wayne‘s Galaxy

    Crocodile Dundee 4: Peace In The Middle East

    Kill Bill Volume 3: The Bride vs. The Pope

    Star Wars: Clone Wars: Episode 2: Attack of the Clones Part 2.5: Revenge of the Sith Part 0.5: Clone Wars 2: Pre-Sith Revenge: The Empire Fights the Rebel Alliance: Star Wars: The Animated Adventures: The Live Action Version

    If you have any other ideas for sequels, prequels, remakes, or re-issues for George Lucas to make please email him at Filmmakermangod@genius.com. Thanks for reading.

  • Trailer Park: Brandon Barash

    By Christopher Stipp

    The Archives, Right Here

    I’m awesome. I wrote a book. It’s got little to do with movies. Download and read “Thank You, Goodnight” right HERE for free.

    I used to watch Days of Our Lives in college.

    I don’t know how it happened or why I didn’t question my masculinity when I did find myself wondering whether Billie and Bo would ever end up together, whether Stefano could be done away with completely and why Diedre Hall ignited my Cougar Complex in such a randy way.

    The fact is, though, that soap operas fill a niche within television and some of these serials have been launching pads for many A-list stars. Enough derision has been tossed in the way of many a reality show but programs like Days or General Hospital are largely devoid of criticism in many critics’ circles.

    The pleasure was all mine when I talked to Brandon Barash, actor on General Hospital, the longest running serial on ABC and which also celebrates its 45th year as it churns through 2008. The series also nabbed its record making 10th Daytime Emmy for best Best Drama and snagged a lead actor award for Anthony Geary. What’s more about Brandon, and why I agreed to do the interview, is that his is a story of what it’s like to be a literal working actor. The amount, the sheer volume of learning his lines, performing incessantly, keeping his character focused and consistent, being present for every aspect of what he needs to do, is the very thing those who aspire to be an actor should listen to and take to heart.

    He comes across as someone just thankful to be working in an industry where there are more willing bodies than there are parts to give. I won’t steal any of Brandon’s thunder but this is a story that’s worth reading and appreciating from the standpoint that there is more to life in LA for an actor than just those who have only a few pages’ of lines to remember; that’s just a day’s work for him.

    CHRISTOPHER STIPP: I’ve been going over your resume and you have a lot of episodes of General Hospital under your belt.

    BRANDON BARASH: It’s been a busy couple months.

    CS: How long does that represent?

    BARASH: 80 some odd episodes.

    I think 80 some odd episodes was up to a week or so ago and it’s funny you mentioned that because the other day I realized that it’s got to be close to 100 episodes which is just wacky. In the last 6 months, I’ve taped 100 episodes of this TV show.

    CS: One of the reasons I wanted to do this was that I really wanted to get a good feel for the pace you work under”“ it just has to be maddening.

    BARASH: Oh yeah. It’s very intense. Actually, before I called you I was sitting here running my script for tomorrow which is some I think 10 scenes and some 20 pages of solid dialogue and that starts tomorrow. I’m lucky enough to have the day off today but yesterday and the day before that and the day before that it’s the same everyday. You do anywhere from 2 to 10 scenes a day which is 4 ““ 20 some odd pages and you have to do your homework the night before and show up game day ready to play.

    CS: How is that for you as an actor? Day one, when you were given the script, did you have any idea that it would be as intense a schedule that you could get used to?

    BARASH: Well, I met with the writers before hand and thankfully, they warned me. They said we are going to start you out slowly but then we’re just going to run you into the ground. So I told them to bring it and they definitely brought it and it’s good. I’ve used the term so many times but it’s really actor’s boot camp. You get paid to do it and that’s the best thing. I get up everyday, I get to go play, I get to hone my craft and if I have an off day one day I can show up the next day and do a better job.

    CS: It’s got to be liberating from a craft standpoint to, like you said, be able to refine or do other things, because there is always tomorrow.

    BARASH: Actually, it’s so liberating ““ takes the pressure off of everything. Every good athlete has a bad game. Babe Ruth didn’t hit a home run every game, Kobe Bryant doesn’t lead by 30 points and win every game ““ it’s a bout showing up, trusting yourself and if you have a bad day, you get to do it again the next. It’s not so much you have a bad day, but you have another crack at it.

    CS: For schedule sake, what’s the average day to shoot an hour long episode, what kind of production schedule are you looking at?

    BARASH: Production schedule for the entire day can go anywhere from 10 to 14 sometimes 16 ““ 18 hour days.

    CS: Wow.

    BARASH: It’s a really rigorous schedule and we go at a grueling pace but I feel really lucky to be on the acting side of it because we have our makeup artists, our lighting grips and everybody–they are there the whole day, they don’t get to leave. We get to just show up, do our thing and go home but the flip side of that is we go home and spend several hours working on our stuff for the next day. So it’s pretty grueling.

    CS: Talk to me about the actual soap ““ General Hospital has been a staple in American culture. I was in college, hooked on Days of Our Lives for reasons unknown, I don’t know why, but once you get into one of these things you can’t help but keep returning and returning again. Sometimes the plot lines are absurd, but what initially drew you to the idea of getting yourself hooked up or connected with a soap opera?

    BARASH: I never thought I would be and, of course, there are all these untrue stigmas that go along with soap operas and soap acting, but what drew me to this one in particular…I have auditioned a couple times beforehand…but what drew me to this was my manager called me one day and told me, “We have the most perfect part for you. This young, brooding, intense but good underneath kind of guy.” And, “Are you interested?” I said, “Absolutely!” So I went in and met with them and literally not even an hour after I left the office I found out I got it and I couldn’t have been happier. I always felt that playing a part like this that has so many layers and so much going on ““ the surface of this guy, Johnny is really the tip of the iceberg. It’s really an honor to play him.

    CS: And explain your character a little bit and how you fit into the grand plot line.

    BARASH: Well, you have Johnny, who is the lead character of the show. He’s the Port Charles Mob Boss and I’m the son of the Manhattan Mob Boss but I’m kind of like the interim Mob Boss at the same time because my father is in the hospital injured and incapacitated. So that’s how I fit in. And of course I (Johnny) have a history with Luke and Laura’s daughter, Lulu. We have an off and on relationship since I’ve been on the show.

    CS: You talked about that soap stigma ““ I’m curious what void to soap operas fill in the grand landscape of television because they’ve been around for decades. What draws people ““ from what you’ve heard and now you are hip-deep in it, why are people so hungry for these things?

    BARASH: Well it’s definitely interesting. Our show has been around for 45 years so they definitely got quite a following and I honestly don’t know what the big draw is. I wish I could tap into the psyche of our two and a half million fans or how many we have, what draws them in everyday but I think the biggest thing is when people connect with a show or a character they see a trace of themselves or they see who they want to be or who they’ve always fantasized about being with and I think that’s a lot of the big draw is we have a lot of great people on our show who are extremely talented and they bring to life these characters that ““ it’s definitely intriguing to fans to be a fly on the wall everyday.

    CS: And being a part of this, does it ever prohibit you from your other work like film?

    BARASH: Yes, there are some contractual restrictions but I am allowed to do movies, which is great and I am allowed to do ABC TV shows but I’m not allowed to take off too long to do those but they do allow me one a year. I can do a movie once a year.

    CS: Has your film work been limited just to TEN INCH HERO?

    (Laughs)

    BARASH: No. I did that…that was a tiny, tiny part ““ I did that and I did a film formerly called INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY which is now known as DARK MIND staring Chris Masterson and Lyndsy Fonseca ““ I actually played her boyfriend and I also did a pretty terrible film called CRASH LANDING.

    CS: What made it so terrible?

    BARASH: I’m not afraid to say this because he was just a monster ““ the director was incredibly abusive to the crew and the cast and I’m not one to make waves but I’m not afraid to say it from the moment we all showed up on set he was yelling every obscenity in the book and he was just abusive and it was an awful experience.

    CS: What happens with that? How do you deal with that? You get a job and at the end of the day the people I’ve talked to, actors what have you, they say it’s fun work but it’s a job. How do you deal with someone that you literally have to put on a good face for someone who is trying to whip you?

    BARASH: At the end of the day, like you said, it is a job and you have to be able to separate yourself from it. Millions of people go to work everyday and have bosses they can’t stand and they just have to put their pride aside and focus on just doing the job and as long as you can do that, you are in good hands.

    CS: And the directors on General Hospital, how does, in your opinion, the actual technical stuff of directing, people say blocking and what have you, is it done by just a core group of people, directors on set?

    BARASH: We basically have about 4-5 directors that rotate. They are the anthisis of the person I just described to work with. They come to work with great ideas, they arrive on time, prepared and at the same time they are not stubborn and set in their ways and they definitely take suggestions from the actors. We’ll talk before a scene, what do you see for this scene? Do you have any input? It’s really nice because their job is to direct us and tell us what to do and where to go but at the same time we are allowed to give input. It’s really nice. It’s a group effort.

    CS: You said before that if you have input you give input, but do you have these things down to a science or is there a lot of room to really play with the format?

    BARASH: Well, I think it’s a little bit of both. It’s definitely down to a science and if there wasn’t a format then there would just be mayhem everyday. But, at the same time you have to have the perfect marriage of the science and then also mixing it up. You have to mix it up or else the fans are going to lose interest. And, as an actor if I’m not going to work every day and creating life behind this character it gets stale, it gets boring and it shows on the screen.

    CS: How do you do that from week to week – trying to make the character your own? Do the writers share with you? Usually when you go in to make a movie, you have a beginning, a middle and an end. But with a soap opera”¦.

    BARASH: Absolutely. We don’t know that but the writers do a great job in writing the characters but at the end of the day I think it’s up the actor to lift those words off the page and lift the character off the page and lift the character into a real living being and I think its up to us as actors to really read the text and not just the lines. To be able to read what’s going on behind the lines can bring these characters to life. The analogy I like to use is the words…it’s just the tip of the iceberg. You see this little piece of ice floating on top of the water but what you don’t see is this mass underneath the water that’s holding up the whole thing. And that’s kind of like the character. What we say and what we say as people in everyday life is just the tip of the iceberg when in fact there’s a lot of stuff going on underneath.

    CS: Do you ever get anything back from the writers and say now this is getting a little obnoxious? Some of these plot lines can get a little insane.

    BARASH: I can’t. I’ve been lucky enough and am very happy with my story line. I’m not doing anything too absurd. I’m not possessed by the devil yet.

    (Laughs)

    I’ve seen on some other soaps that things can get a bit absurd but I think the big part of what draws the fans in is the silly circumstances these characters find themselves in. Like I said I’ve been very lucky in that the story line has been a lot of fun to bring to life.

    CS: And the brand ““ the General Hospital brand has been around for a long, long time.

    BARASH: It has. I just got back today ““ we celebrated our 45th anniversary or birthday, whatever you want to call it, on set and because we are filming that episode today. Like you said, General Hospital has been a staple in American culture this last half century which is just crazy to imagine that I’ve been a part of it. It’s awesome.

    CS: I’ve noticed a lot of “A” list actors who got their start from soap operas. Is it like what you alluded to earlier that this is an actor’s boot camp, that it really does something to an actors or actress to take this seriously.

    BARASH: Absolutely. It’s definitely that. You show up to work one day and you have 20 pages you have to eek out. You’ve got to give it your all. Pour your heart and soul into it. Then you have to go home and learn 25 pages for the next day and it’s very easy for us to fall into habits and just get by. But it’s another thing to really be hungry and make those strong choices and make your character stand out and really read between the lines and find that life underneath the water that I was talking about earlier. And I think that if you have that hunger to become a better artist and to constantly be honing your craft then absolutely – that’s what makes great actors because they teach you to work under the gun, make your choices and commit.

    CS: How picky can you be with other roles that you find ““ has this opened some doors for you? Are people asking for you to come read a script or try out for their film based on what you’ve done on HOSPITAL?

    BARASH: Absolutely. It’s opened all sorts of doors and I can be very picky with what I do now. I have to be incredibly selective because I can only do one movie a year so I’m going to be sure that that movie is going to serve me in my career in the best way possible. It’s a nice position to be in to turn things down.

    CS: Of course.

    BARASH: We should all be so lucky.

    (Laughs)

    CS: Looking back ““ taking stock of today and where you want to go tomorrow what is it that you hopes your next steps are beyond what you are doing today?

    BARASH: Looking back before today, before I finished college I made myself a 30 year goal. That 30 year goal (I guess I will be 52) but my 30 year goal is to be able to write, direct star in my own films and I’d love to score some of those films and then if I want go onto Broadway and do a play for a few months. That’s the kind of career I want to have and live without regret and I know that if I keep working hard and take a step in that direction every day, I will achieve that.

    I’m envisioning that that’s what I want to do with my life, that’s what I want to be and at the same time not getting overwhelmed with that big goal and breaking it down into basically little sections and not looking at the big picture. Basically, today is a new day what do I need to do today to get to my goal. That’s what it is about for me.

  • Comics & Comics: Hellboy II and the Golden Review

    COMics & Comics 31208- lOGO

    Howdy Inter-Webbers. I’m Matt Cohen, and I dig Hellboy.

    Anyone who remotely knows me knows that. I wear my love for all things Hellboy proudly on my sleeve (of my homemade BPRD shirt, no less). Big Red is my single favorite fictional character of all time, and his comic book is my favorite work of fiction. From the moment I first laid eyes on Hellboy on a T-shirt in Dogma I was in geek love. And, funnily enough, at some point the heavens conspired and my favorite filmmaker in the world, Guillermo Del Toro (or GDT, as he shall henceforth be referred to) decided to adapt my favorite comic book to screen. Rarely do things work out that perfect. The first Hellboy movie was a lot of fun but it left me wishing it were more, wishing it was an unfettered GDT film rather then what seemed like a tightly controlled studio movie. I was left wanting more comic book content and the visual flair that GDT was known for. I was left wanting a sequel. Well, on Saturday night I had the privilege of a lifetime to attend the world premiere of Hellboy II: The Golden Army and I can happily and proudly tell you that it has been done. The perfect Hellboy film has been made, and at the same time, one of the best comic to film adaptations I have seen in my entire life. Hellboy II is, to say it lightly, awesome. It makes up for everything the first film lacked, and more. GDT has managed to merge his big studio action flicks with his small personal Spanish language films, and the result is a giant roller-coaster of a summer good time mixed with the nuances and sensibilities of a small art film. Ron Perlman returns as the only man on the planet who can possibly do HB justice. And once again, he gives the performance of a life time. To make a long story short, this is as fun a time in the movie theatre that I’ve had in my life.

    This is one of my favorite films of this year (or any other), and I truly feel that anyone who ever has called themselves a “Movie Fan” should experience this film in theaters for themselves. With that in mind, I want to avoid spoilers entirely if possible. Yes, there will be some hints of the movie discussed in here, but more theme and overall reaction then specific moments. And, as always, to save you the time and eye strain of reading another novel of a review, I’ve broken my feelings down into points, like so…

    Bprd

    HERE TO PROTECT (PROS):

    PLOT: While far from groundbreaking, the story of HB II works tremendously and GDT has honestly crafted a pretty timeless tale here, regardless of whether you’re a fan of the big red ape or not. If you have yet to watch it I would definitely recommend checking out the animated prologue released a week or so ago, and found here. What GDT (and Hellboy’s dad and Filmic co-scripter Mike Mignola) have cooked up is a tale that not only fits perfectly into the HB universe but also manages to quite skillfully echo some of our own modern “real world” concerns. GDT doesnt go as far as to make this an “eco-agenda” movie, but there is definitely a theme of “Man’s destruction of the planet” which makes the Elves and their leader, Nuada’s (Luke Goss) , motivations all the more genuine and sincere.

    Imagine that humans aren’t the original inhabitants of this planet, but rather a passing fad. Now imagine the first citizens of the Earth, the ones relegated to shadows and living underground, forced out of their rightful homes by this interloper of a species (man). With that in mind, Nuada’s goals never seem evil for a moment, making him a much more complex and quite tragic baddie than the previous film offered in Rasputin, or most “Superhero” films offer in general. Nuada is not a bad guy. He is loyal to his people (to a fault). The viewer never once hates Nuada or the Elven forces, which makes Hellboy’s inevitable conflict (Monsters or Man ; Where does he belong?) all the more genuine seeming. Further then that, I found myself sort of agreeing with the “Baddies” by the end of the film rather then rooting against them. One gets the feeling, watching this film, that GDT sides with the monsters (and that he would make an amazing Frankenstein film) and at the end of the day, that is sort of what Hellboy II is all about. The monsters we can see versus the monsters inside of us.

    There are some other more character based “spoilers” that I’d rather not go into, but let’s just say that the Elves aren’t the only conflict in Hellboy‘s life. He’s got a girlfriend now (Liz Sherman/Selma Blair) and we all know how that goes… Right? (just ruined my chances of ever dating a female reader, didn’t I?). Mix in a new Elven love interest for Abe Sapien and the introduction of the german ghost man Johann, and you’ve got yourself one of the better ensemble/team movies I can think of. GDT didn’t reinvent the wheel, he just made it spin a lot faster and better.

    ACTING: Let’s break this down again, shall we?

    Ron Perlman (Hellboy): The only man who could do this part justice. Physically menacing and yet somehow so damn vulnerable, innocent, and likable at the same time. Whatever the first movie’s failings were, Perlman was perfect in it; much as he is in this film. I can’t imagine anyone else playing Hellboy, and the fact that Perlman is nearing 60 just makes the performance that more astounding and one for the ages. One of the greatest film characters ever realized, due in a huge part to this man. Ron Perlman is Hellboy, and I would pay to watch him do his laundry as this character, let alone beat the crap out of monsters. One of the most inspired and brilliant casting decisions of all time. I bow down…

    Hellboy and Big Baby

    “Who said they don’t like Comics & Comics?”

    Selma Blair (Liz Sherman): Leagues better then she was in the first film, it seems that Selma Blair has finally found her voice in this crazy universe, and shines in the sequel (and smolders… I know. I’m hilarious). Sporting a new haircut but that same old Liz attitude, Selma turns in a really good performance, having to handle some chunks of dialogue that in the hands of a lesser actor may have come of cheesy and stilted. She is a great compliment to Perlman’s Hellboy and I look forward to seeing the happy couple together again in the third HB film.

    Doug Jones (Abe Sapien): A minor buzz was created when it was announced that Doug Jones, that man responsible for the physical performance of Abe Sapien in Hellboy (And the SIlver Surfer, The Fawn in Pans Labyrinth, etc) would also be assuming the voice role of Abe in HB II, replacing David Hyde Pierce from the first film. And as a testament to Doug, the change over is barely noticeable if noticeable if all. In all honesty, I prefer Jone’s performance to that of Pierce. Jones brings a sense of calm and innocence that Pierce missed out on entirely. Doug Jones is one of my favorite actors in the world, and to finally hear him speak in a role made my day. In many ways this is Abe’s movie, and that is due in a large part to the wonderful performance of Doug Jones.

    Luke Goss (Prince Nuada): Goss does a very capable job here, building on his first real feature role in Blade II. Nuada is not campy or stereotypically evil for one frame of film, and Goss goes out of his way to portray that. Many “unpolished” actors may have taken this role into the realm of overacting, but Goss maintains a sublety and grace that really befits the noble but disgraced character he plays. A good job by a young actor who I look forward to seeing in more films. Oh, and the dude is AWESOME at action scenes. Nuada gets some of the more impressive physical feats that I’ve seen in a long time on film.

    Nuada

    “Is there something on my hand? You guys…? You guys…?”

    Jeffrey Tambor (Tom Manning): I love The Larry Sanders Show, I love Arrested Development, and I love the comedic stylings of Mr. Jeffrey Tambor. Where extremely funny people can get relegated to cheesy laughs and one liners in some action films, Tambor is allowed to introduce his own hilarious sense of humor into the character, and it works. Really well. Like, much better than the character ever was in the comic book medium. The comic relief in a film that needs relief from nothing, so he’s pretty much just icing on the cake. Hey now!

    ACTION: Anyone who’s seen the massively underrated Blade II knows that GDT can shoot action. Blade II‘s fight scenes blew me away those many years ago, and I am happy to say that a few years of “Art” films haven’t spoiled GDT’S eye for all things awesome. THE ACTION IS FANTASTIC! From the hordes of “Tooth Fairies” that can be seen attacking in the now online trailer, to the more traditional Hellboy “Smash’em up” monster fights, to graceful and almost dance like sword fighting, Hellboy II has some of the most exciting and visually compelling action sequences I have seen in film. Period. GDT manages to channel everyone from John Woo to Woo Ping to the classic Universal Monster movies to John Carpenter, and more. This movie is an action buff’s wet dream. Stunningly gorgeous visuals mixed with envigorating and gravity defying action that not for one moment seems “CGI’d” out like some other big summer films. (I saw the trailer for the new Mummy film today. Yeah. It’s like that). Whether HB is knocking a fool with his fist or plugging away with his hilariously badass arsenal, this film doesn’t let down for a second (unless it calls for it). It’s rare that one man can make films that are both heartfelt and deep, and yet gigantic balls to the wall action at the same time, and Hellboy II further cements GDT as one of the best filmmakers in the world (and my personal favorite).

    CREATURES: Before the film ran, GDT addressed the audience, and to paraphrase (sloppily at that) “People are right when they say that I make two different types of film in an alternating sequence – One small, Spanish language film and then one big budget studio action flick. Hellboy II is the first film that belongs in both of those worlds. The creatures and characters in this movie belong in the same universe as the little girl and fawn in Pan’s Labyrinth, and the babies in The Devils Backbone“. The man couldn’t have been more correct. Not only are the creatures in this new movie just as odd and wonderful as the ones in GDT’S previous work, to call them some of the best onscreen creatures of all time would not be overstating it. Simply put, GDT knows monsters, and the monsters in Hellboy II are the craziest, most imaginative, most visually stunning characters I have seen on screen since my childhood. I am immediately reminded of three films, A New Hope, Ghostbusters and Gremlins 2; my three childhood favorites. I think of the characters and practical makeup effects in those films and I weigh them against HB II, I am extremely hard pressed to declare a “winner”. Yes, I just compared Hellboy II to Star Wars, Ghostbusters and Gremlins. If I was a child when HB II came out, it may have been my favorite movie in the world. If you read any reviews before the film gets released, I can almost promise you the critic will make mention of the “Troll Market” scene, possibly comparing it to the Mos Eisley Cantina scene in the O.G Star Wars – and not only will they not be wrong, they will be closer to the mark then many of us will realize. Give this film some time to settle, and I definitely think it will deserve its place among the best “Monster” films of all time. Amazing work by the man, Rick Baker, their digital effects team, and anyone else who helped bring this world I love so much to life to life.

    .Tecate

    COMEDY: The first film had some laughs, but the sequel is downright hilarious. GDT has managed to make Hellboy and his universe funnier and warmer then Mignola ever did (though this movie does reek of Mike, in a good way). Johann in particular gets a lot of the really big chuckles, but the entire film is very funny. I couldn’t help smiling throughout, and that is due in a large part to this whimsical and light-but-dark tone that GDT has perfected in HB II. Perlman is no slouch in the laughs department, either, and Red is yet again one of the funnier more deadpan characters to grace movie screens this year. Unlike the first movie, however, the laughs are not kept to HB and Manning. Liz, Abe and particularly the new recruit, Johann, all have their moments to shine. SEMI SPOILER ALERT: There is a scene in this movie, so hilarious, so amazing, so perfect that I haven’t seen one review fully reveal it yet. And, I am not going to be that guy. Suffice it to say, A floor, lots of beer, Hellboy, Abe, and Barry Manilow. You should see the smile on my face right now…

    SPECIAL AWARD: Seth McFarlane – Yes. I was wrong, yet again. I was one of the numerous people on the web who read the announcement that Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane would be voicing Johann, and I, like many others immediately, called shenanigans. I am embarrassed to admit that I doubted GDT for even one moment. I let my dislike of Family Guy cloud my faith in my favorite filmmaker. And boy oh boy, am I glad GDT’s a lot smarter then me. SETH McFARLANE NAILS IT!!! He is incredible in this movie – hilarious, authentic, creepy and yet vulnerable at the same time. His performance as the B.P.R.D’s Teutonic ectoplasmic man is one of the best voice over jobs I have ever heard in my life, and made me appreciate the character more then I ever thought I would. He not only fits in the film universe, he compliments it amazingly well, gaining many of the biggest laughs and “badass” moments of the film. Johann is a welcome member to the cinema team, and one of my favorite comic to film translations to date. A tremendous performance that just earned Seth McFarlane a new fan. Truly Awesome.

    Johann

    “A government hired crime fighter or walking bong… You decide”

    SENT TO DESTROY (CONS):

    Young Hellboy’s makeup: Not great. Not even good. But not horrible. You can see what GDT and Baker were going for here, and though it is a noble attempt, the look just doesn’t work well. The skin is way too red and the hair just looks goofy…

    Not one other flaw I can think of: Yeah, kids… It’s like that!

    So, basically, see this movie, folks. Many many times. You won’t regret it. I’m gonna go as far as to say this is one of my all time favorite films. I really hope the world loves it as much as I do.

    Anyhoo friends, check back next week for more fun in the proverbial sun. You won’t regret that, either. I’ll be here, you’ll be here. It’ll be nice. And, as always…

    “Keep em’ bagged and boarded”

    Matt Cohen is currently typing with the right hand of doom.

  • TV Or Not TV: 6/30 – 7/6

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    Welcome Will-Mart shoppers! Today we have a special on television viewing advice on Aisle 113.

    As you will see in my recommendations below, the surprise of the week for me was the show Baby Borrowers on NBC. I remember being a teenager and thinking I knew everything and I know from life experience that I didn’t know squat. Seeing these kids digress from confident know-it-alls that think they are all grown up to (at times) defiant and crushed true teenagers is a wonder to watch. Seeing that they are also in for pure pain and suffering in the weeks to come with toddlers, teenagers and eventually senior adults makes me nothing but giddy for the future.

    This week I’m also excited because July is finally here. The USA Network will be treating us to 16 new episodes in a new season of Burn Notice, Monk and Psych. The latter two will probably be having 8 of the 16 air in July/August with the remaining 8 airing in January/February 2009. I only wish they had the same confidence for The Dead Zone which I feel didn’t get a fair shake with a final season that clearly was compromised by a lowered budget.

    Fans of TV mastermind Joss Whedon this week got some big news as well regarding the Internet only project Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. To quote the man himself:

    It is time for us to change the face of Show Business as we know it. You know the old adage, “It’s Show Business ““ not Show Friends”? Well now it’s Show Friends. We did that. To Show Business. To show Show Business we mean business. (Also, there are now other businesses like it.)

    ONE WEEK ONLY! AN INTERNET MINISERIES EVENT!

    “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” will be streamed, LIVE (that part’s not true), FREE (sadly, that part is) right on Drhorrible.com, in mid-July. Specifically:

    ACT ONE (Wheee!) will go up Tuesday July 15th.

    ACT TWO (OMG!) will go up Thursday July 17th.

    ACT THREE (Denouement!) will go up Saturday July 19th.

    All acts will stay up until midnight Sunday July 20th. Then they will vanish into the night, like a phantom.

    I’m really looking forward to this project because I’ve loved all his work, I’ve worked with his brother Jed, and it’s starring Nathan Fillion, Neil Patrick Harris and Felicia Day (who brought us the equally brilliant Internet project The Guild). This is definitely going to be something worth watching on your computer instead of spending time with the boob tube.

    Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

    Now, what you all have (hopefully) been waiting for.

    MONDAY

    G4 ““ 8:00 PM: Code Monkeys steps in to the land of the creepy as Dave attempts to help Michael Jackson make a video game for his next album. Some jokes just don’t need telling, do they?

    SCIFI ““ 9:00 PM: I know, you thought maybe THIS week I wouldn’t write a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode but I just can’t help it. The show of this hour is QPid where in Q puts the crew into Sherwood Forest, making Picard into Robin Hood. Not really the strongest episode, but how can you not be amused when things happen like Worf stating, “Captain, I protest! I am NOT a Merry Man!”

    HIST ““ 9:00 PM: An in-depth look at the historical, scientific, and evolutionary importance to researchers a certain organic materials is in All About Dung.

    TUESDAY

    MTV ““ 8:00 PM: It’s a four hour marathon to thankfully bring us an end to the second season of A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila. This show is reason #42 why MySpace is bad, mmkay?

    NBC ““ 10:00 PM*: This week on Celebrity Family Feud it’s Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy on The Sopranos) vs. the Bunnies from The Girls Next Door as well as Kathy Lee Gifford and company vs. Dogg the Bounty Hunter. I wonder if Dogg’s kid that sold the racist recording to the press will be on the panel? *Check local listings. Airing after MLB in some if not all markets.

    OXYGEN ““ 8:00 PM: Get caught up on Tori & Dean:Home Sweet Hollywood by catching the two previous episodes before tonight’s all new episode at 10 PM.

    WEDNESDAY

    NBC ““ 8:00 PM: If you didn’t catch last week’s premiere episode of Baby Borrowers than you can watch it tonight along with the new episode at 9 when the couples get toddlers to replace their babies.

    HIST ““ 9:00 PM: Tonight even humans are on the menu as MonsterQuest takes a look at Super Rats. Don’t let the name fool you, these are no Mighty Mouse.

    BRAVO ““ 10:00 PM: It’s a Bravo night crossover as the competitors on Shear Genius attempt to do the do’s of the diva’s from The Real Housewives of Orange County.

    THURSDAY

    CBS ““ 8:00 PM: It’s a night of polar opposites as Rosie O’Donnell and Tony Hawk try to help people win money on Celebrity Password.

    Bravo ““ 10:00 PM: Tonight’s episode of Kathy Griffin:My Life on the D-List is titled Otters and Cubs and Bears”¦ Oh My! Trust me, it’s not a nature special.

    CBS ““ 10:00 PM: Tonight on Swingtown a controversial film divides Bruce and Susan when Susan attends a fund-raiser for the star’s legal fund. I have a funny feeling the inspiration for the film and star rhymes with Reap Boat?

    FRIDAY

    FIREWORKS: Check your local listings, as many local stations tend to run their own broadcasts. On the national side of things NBC has the Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular and CBS is offering up the Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular. The latter is conveniently scheduled at 10:00 PM, just in time for you get home from watching fireworks in your own area.

    FMC ““ 6:00 AM E/3:00 AM P: Taking the name of the day literally, Fox Movie Channel gives us 24 hours of Will Smith kicking alien butt in Independence Day.

    AMC ““ 8:00 PM: Nothing says summer fun like being afraid of the water. Both Jaws and Jaws 2 are back-to-back tonight.

    HIST ““ 9:00 PM: Get too scared to leave your house by watching three hours of the show Gangland as it looks at the most violent and influential gangs in modern times.

    SATURDAY

    ABC ““ 8:00 PM: We’re once again getting the Not So Wonderful World of Disney when they air Confessions of a Teen Age Drama Queen. At least you can see Lindsey Lohan before her eventual implosion.

    A&E ““ 8:00 PM: Celebrate Christmas in July with the original Die Hard.

    HIST ““ 8:00 PM: Tonight on the History Channel it’s a 4 hour marathon of MonsterQuest.

    MAX ““ 10:00 PM: If yesterday’s marathon of Independence Day wasn’t to your liking than you can celebrate 4th a day late while watching Live Free or Die Hard.

    SUNDAY

    NBC – 7:00 PM: This week’s U.S. Olympic Trials brings us more of those vying for a spot on the swimming teams as well as the track & field teams.

    VH1 ““ 9:00 PM: VH1 finally cuts to the chase by bringing back their “All Star” contenders from their “of Love” casts to compete for what they really wanted all along, being on TV and trying to get some money with I Love Money! This time they are vying for $250,000 instead of Brett Michaels or Flavor Flav.

    TLC ““ 9:00 PM: If you missed last week’s premiere of The Singing Office than you can take it in before tonight’s new episode at 10:00 PM.

    COMEDY CENTRAL ““ 10:00 PM: All the fans of Dane Cook can take in his stand up special Vicious Circle.

    – *Will Wilkins is on the side of Dr. Horrible.

  • Trailer Park: Adam Yauch

    By Christopher Stipp

    The Archives, Right Here

    I’m awesome. I wrote a book. It’s got little to do with movies. Download and read “Thank You, Goodnight” right HERE for free.

    To talk to Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys and not talk about the Beastie Boys was a lot less difficult than I thought it would be.

    Sure, the guy has been a planetoid in my pop culture universe ever since “Fight for Your Right (To Party)” and I have put enough money into the hit machine that they’ve kept going for years to warrant a little shout-out to the music but this was all about Adam’s film GUNNIN’ FOR THAT #1 SPOT and I was respectful of that. Although, to be completely honest, and nerdy, about it, it was a thrill to be talking to the man.

    The movie, opening today, deals with some of the best of the best of high school basketballers being invited to play in an “Elite 24″ tournament in Harlem, New York as Adam captures the energy and back stories of some of those asked to come out and play.

    Adam’s love of music, basketball and the documentary style that made AWESOME; I FUCKIN’ SHOT THAT! all blend here for a cohesive narrative of eight of those players as the ins and outs of being so young and being courted by forces greater than the guys playing the game is an unintended rapturous commentary on the stale and fetid rigidity of NBA style of playing when you see how quick a game can be played when players are allowed to just be players.

    Adam takes a back seat to what is happening on the screen and he allows his editing and presentation to genuinely reflect the lives of these eight players who love the game of basketball and see that this is their way of life and what they want to do. Forget about the odds, these men want to play basketball. As Adam mentions, even a casual fan of basketball will get something out this movie that even the most learned and steeped fan of the game can appreciate. When it comes to narratives this movie has a lot to say and the pace, the feeling and the style of this film reminds you that this isn’t your father’s HOOP DREAMS.

    CHRISTOPHER STIPP: I grew up in Chicago so I have been a big, big Bulls fan my entire life and when I heard that you got involved in this documentary film, it really got me going.

    ADAM YAUCH: Cool. Did you grow up in the Jordan-era?

    CS: Yes, I did. Got to see them in the old Chicago Stadium.

    YAUCH: That’s amazing.

    CS: Yea, it’s amazing to me now to think about all those guys on the court and think about how they came up, and certainly being in Chicago I watched HOOP DREAMS and watching that gives me the perfect way to start out with you ““ have you seen the film and was that they way you wanted it to be told?

    YAUCH: Yes, I have seen HOOP DREAMS and I actually loved that film but this is a pretty different approach because it’s centered around this All Star game and really focusing on the top high school players in the country and it’s a different approach than that. I don’t know but I do like that movie.

    CS: These are high school kids, so when you are doing the film when you got all the footage that you wanted and you wanted to sort of capture the moment what was it like when you got back to the editing bay to take your film and go, “Now where’s the narrative?”

    YAUCH: Well, there were some ideas going into it. Basically my game plan going into it was to focus on specific players so you would get to know the players before you see the game so you are more emotionally vested watching the game because you know them and you are watching them compete against each other and I had some ideas before hand about not just getting an understanding of the world of high school basketball, it’s what the pressures are like for high school players or what their rankings or different aspects of it so first thing at the beginning of editing was to just cut these different segments for a profile of the players and all these different segments come together in the first quarter, second quarter and then the steps after that was to get it all to move, to find the right order off all these pieces and refine them and get them to flow and pace out nice as a film. Actually, it’s a long process.

    CS: I would imagine there was a lot of background filming on these different athletes and you had smaller narratives within that too. As a person just looking at all these guys who are trying to compete to hopefully move on ““ they’ve got the college barrier and the college barrier to the NBA barrier, when you were filming this getting to know some of these individual guys were any of them emotionally vulnerable in telling you something to the effect of, “I know the odds are really not in my favor but this is exactly what I want to do”?

    YAUCH: No, none of them really say that. I mean on some level they are aware that the odds are stacked against them but I think these kind of guys that are the best in the country have the kind of drive that I think ““ I don’t know I’m sure they know that the odds are stacked against them ““ the way that they push themselves is intense ““ the way they use that competitive drive to make things happen is pretty wild to see.

    CS: Did you notice at least in the smaller profiles that these guys have balance in their life? Do they realize that basketball is just a game or are coaches and outside influences are pushing these guys harder than maybe they should be?

    YAUCH: I didn’t get that impression that their coaches are pushing them too hard. I got the impression that these guys, at least from my limited experience with them, that they really enjoy the game and want to be pushed and want to succeed in the league and they know what it’s going to take to make that happen.

    CS: Are they just enjoying what they do?

    YAUCH: I’m sure there are times when the pressure feels crazy to them and probably upsetting but I don’t know. I got the impression that for most of them they enjoy playing basketball.

    CS: What was it like at Rucker Park to have all these alpha males ““ the best of the best ““ coming together and clashing ““ what is it like to see that sort of concentrated talent on the court?

    YAUCH: It’s cool. It’s definitely cool to see the different styles of their games and the different ways that they blend or come up against each other. People like Brandon that loves to pass the ball you almost get the impression that he’d rather make an assist and score and guys like Beasley that just talks trash all the time to everybody on the court ““ it’s definitely interesting to see their different games and see how they make shit happen. While they all have the crazy competitive drive, it comes out in different ways.

    CS: Right. And I read an essay by Chuck Klosterman who interviewed Steve Nash ““ Chuck intimated that Steve was more like a communist and that he’s really out there to help his teammates be better and that works for him because he makes everybody that’s on the court better and that’s his sort of strategy.

    YAUCH: Got that impression with Ray Allen too.

    CS: Do these guys, they have been doing it for so long, I think the influence for these guys to be the guy with the ball, the one to score the ball, I would imagine that it would take something for these guys to say, “I gotta help these other guys.”

    YAUCH: Yeah. Definitely different personalities and it’s interesting to see in a game like this at the Rucker ““ an All Star Game ““ it really is all about individuality and kind of showing off a bit ““ your own skills more than about the team ““ like a pick up game. But it was interesting to see ““ a lot of them were like they were there at the Rucker and needed to show people what they can do.

    CS: How was it for you as a filmmaker? You didn’t have the luxury in your film ““ the concert film you had a bunch of fans to make the film ““ it was just you trying to make it happen.

    YAUCH: I was ““ I did have 8 cameras rolling so that it was really captured and positioned in places where I thought I could capture most of what was going on ““ being able to try different things ““ keeping certain cameras wide and keeping certain cameras tight and I think I had it pretty well covered.

    CS: And obviously your presence wasn’t a big deal. Is the Rucker game something more of a private thing or were they welcoming to you to come in and capture the moment?

    YAUCH: They were very cool about it. Greg Marius, who loves the Rucker, was very helpful.

    CS: Did you come away with a different understanding ““ knowing about the Rucker before, did you have a new appreciation for basketball now that you didn’t have before you started it?

    YAUCH: Yes. I was very fond of the game anyway but it gave me new insight into understanding the world of high school basketball and the path that these guys take at a much younger age and understanding that process a little more. It was interesting watching the NBA finals this year and the league that these guys are in thinking about them going through this process thinking about them when they were a junior in high school. Definitely interesting to think about the trajectory these guys are on at a very young age.

    CS: Yes, they have college and they have to compete there ““ the best against the best and even the NBA it’s ““ just competitive sports ““ could have been football, could have been baseball but these kids are so young all it would take is just one knee injury to knock them out completely.

    YAUCH: Yes, that’s certainly a scary thing ““ a strange aspect of the whole thing.

    CS: I’ve seen you in other interviews that you’ve said you were a fair weather fan of the Knicks and that you don’t really like to watch the NBA on TV, so why did something like this really grab you to say “I want to make a film about it”?

    YAUCH: I don’t know. I do love basketball ““ it’s an amazing game but I get a little bored with the structure of NBA games because of all the foul shots, time outs and the way they force commercials in every minute but I enjoy going to games and watching games ““ even strong players in the park just playing. I just thought it would be interesting ““ an interesting subject to look at the world of high school basketball.

    CS: Do these guys look up to the Kobe Bryant’s and the big athletes?

    YAUCH: They definitely do. When Ben Gordon and Jason Kidd were there these guys were psyched to be there.

    CS: What do you think ““ there’s been a lot to do from Commissioner Stern’s idea that these guys should be in suits and ties to make these guys more presentable and then you have a lot of the smack talk, it’s corporate sponsorship for these pro athletes, is there a maturation process where it becomes like you said this rigid style of play where it’s about foul shots and what have you ““ do any these guys think they have to change their game in they expect to be in the NBA?

    YAUCH: A lot of these kids grow up just playing in gyms and in leagues and playing for coaches and already on this path ““ the kids are kind of going in that direction for them it was fun to play ““ come to Harlem it was amazing for them. I don’t know. That’s why I like street ball ““ kids showing off.

    CS: Something fluid about it.

    YAUCH: There’s something fluid about seeing the anarchy of street ball.

    (Laughs)

    CS: The only thing I can compare it to, because you don’t see it on television, is the And1 tour that goes around. It might get bagged on a little bit but there’s something electric to see these guys doing things with the ball and their bodies that make it seem a little more alive and I’m at a loss for words to try and explain why that is the case.

    YAUCH: I know what you mean. Sometimes the And1 stuff can get a little goofy but it’s cool to see that anarchy, that kind of freedom.

    CS: Now, with the film being done, did you get everything you wanted to get out of this?

    YAUCH: Yes. Even though a lot of these guys grew up playing in leagues, in gyms, they are aware of that style of play. You really see it in like ““ they were really psyched to come to the Rucker and play.

    CS: How did these kids get selected to come to the Rucker?

    YAUCH: There was a committee that selected them to come to the Elite 24 game.

    CS: This game seems so underground, this is the first I’ve heard of it, not that means anything, but did these kids know about it?

    YAUCH: About the Rucker?

    CS: Yes.

    YAUCH: They definitely know about it. This was the first annual Elite 24 game, but these kids knew about it and were psyched. There is so much history it’s like the basketball mecca. The street ball mecca. To come and play meant a lot to these kids.

    CS: Did you get to be on the court and play one-on-one with any of these guys?

    YAUCH: Yeah, I was shooting around with them at the Rucker.

    CS: How’s your game?

    YAUCH: My game’s alright but I’m not making myself eligible for the draft this year.

    (Laughs)

    But I had fun playing.

    CS: Did you – being in front of it ““ was it just a sight to be in front of these guys just being themselves? I can’t imagine what a full street ball game like this would be ““ I’ve just never been around that kind of raw talent.

    Yeah. There was definitely something cool about looking at these guys ““ how good they are. They are just unbelievable players and you have to keep reminding yourself that these are high school students. You look at Lance Stephenson standing there and he’s like 6’5″, built like an NBA player and you have to just remind yourself that he’s 15 years old. The way they move and play they look like they are already in the NBA.

    CS: Guys like LeBron James got picked up when he was quite young. Do these guys think they can bypass the college system and go right into the NBA like LeBron did?

    YAUCH: I’m sure a lot of them would love to but they made it a RULE not too long ago you have to go to one year of college to be eligible for the NBA. So, they all have to do that but now a few of these guys are old enough and have done one year of college and made themselves eligible so Jerryd Bayless, Kevin Love, Michael Beasley, Donte Greene, these guys have made themselves eligible NBA draft happening on June 26th. Most of them will be in the top ten lottery pick.

    CS: I know I only have a minute left but I did want to ask, you’ve finished your film, it’s showing, it’s bowing this week. What do you hope, when people watch this, people will get out of watching your film?

    YAUCH: My hope from the beginning going into it was this film would be interesting to people who were obsessed with basketball and knew everything there was to know and that it would be interesting to people who don’t even like sports. That it would be interesting to look at this culture, this world, this lifestyle”¦and from what I can tell the people’s reaction I’m hearing is that it does work on both those levels.

  • Toy Box: The Seventh Kingdom – Ssejjhhorr!

    toybox.jpg

    Back in 2006, the Four Horsemen (the wonderful group of artisans that currently due amazing work on many Mattel brands like DC Univers Classics and NECA lines like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) started their FANtastic Exclusive figure line. These figures were voted on by their fans from start to finish. Everything from scale to articulation was picked by voting on their site, and the 2006 San Diego Comic-Con release of Xetheus the Champion of Mynothecea was the result, which I reviewed here at Quick Stop. For 2007, they repeated the process, only this time they produced not one but nine different figures, all based on the same basic body. They were called the Anitherian Nine, with their leader Ramathorr the Elephant Swordsman being the first release for last year’s SDCC.

    I reviewed one of the nine back then right here at QSE as well, the rhino called The Gauntlet of Vaskkh. For those that read the review, you may remember that I complained about loose joints, a real issue for figures this large and heavy. It turns out that this was a major issue across the entire 9 figures, and the Four Horsemen ended up with a mess that lasted more than a year. After getting promises from the factory that the issues would be corrected and the early figures replaced with improved versions, that factory closed it’s doors. Worse, it looked like they might not even be able to get the steel molds back to produce the figures. Thanks to NECA, who stepped in on their behalf, they were able to get the molds, and they had them sent to a new factory to try again.

    When the new factory received the molds, they had to inform the Four Horsemen that the old factory had left them un-oiled in storage, allowing surface rust to appear. That meant another delay as workers at the new factory had to inspect and clean all the molds before any production could begin.

    After months of delays and factory issues, the Four Horsemen were finally able to complete the shipping of their 2007 FANtastic Exclusives. The various sites and retailers that had the eight exclusive versions are also shipping them out, and a tenth figure, the Chalice of Guudenuph (a pink elephant, get it?) has been added. He’s only available through their own website, the StoreHorsemen.

    I’m looking at another one of the nine tonight, the evil Ssejjhhorr. This guy, with his cousin Ggruxx, were the bad guys to the other 7 Seventh Kingdom warriors.

    Ssejjhhorr is an exclusive to Figures.com, and was limited to a run of just 550. He costs $30, similar to the other 9 figures in the series.

    If you have any questions or comments, drop me a line at mwc@mwctoys.com, or hit my site Michael’s Review of the Week.

    The Seventh Kingdom – Ssejjhhorr

    In the world of the Seventh Kingdom, where the Anitherian Nine hang, there’s good guys and bad guys. The good guys in this series – eight in total – are all large, hooved animals. There’s several elephants, a warthog, a rhino, even a hippo. They all sport the same basic body, with unique heads, accessories, and accoutrements.

    The two evil doers are mutants, of course. Those damn mutants are always up to some sort of no good. If your brother has six toes or a vestigial tail, don’t trust him. The mutant head sculpts are a bit more hideous in nature, and there’s evil in their hearts.

    Packaging – **
    These figures are VERY large and VERY heavy, making the packages quite large as well. These are packed in an old style bubble on cardback package, but because of the extreme weight of the figure, it’s quite easy to tear the bubble free from the cardback with just normal handling. Finding these on mint cards in 10 years is going to be pretty unlikely, but you wanted to open yours anyway, right?

    Sculpting – ***1/2
    The Four Horsemen do great figures. There’s no doubt about that, and their work here is a nice example. Plenty of detail, with an interesting design and great execution.

    The head is a mutated beast, with a single eye at the snout and huge, nasty teeth. He also sports long horns on either side of his wide head, and these horns come unattached in the package. They are designed to only go on one way, but they don’t stay on particularly well. You may decide that it’s worth it simply to glue them in place once he’s on your shelf.

    The head sculpt restricts the use of the ball jointed neck a bit, but the rest of the sculpt works well with the articulation. The hands are designed to hold his accessories, and he stands great on his own in a variety of poses. As I said, these guys are big, and he stands about 9″ tall. Although they are big, they actually fit in pretty well with either 6″ or 7″ scale figures, depending on how big you think creatures like Rhinos and Elephants should be, if they walked around on two feet and wore armor. And if you’re looking for some additional figures that look at home with Hellboy, the mutated Ssejjhhorr works pretty well too.

    The faux fur ‘skirt’ that he wears is easily removable. It’s simply tied in back. Having it on does help differentiate the otherwise similar body though. Although all 10 figures use the same base body, the Horsemen were extremely creative in their use of armor and paint to give each one a unique look. I did find that the fur falls apart a bit easily, so take some care and don’t handle it excessively.

    Sculpted on his back is a sort of weapon rack to carry his axes when he isn’t slashing through heroes. Again, since this is a shared body sculpt, this is the same rack that all the figures wear.

    Paint – ***1/2
    A great sculpt deserves – and needs – great paint, and here again they did an excellent job. Ssejjhhorr is largely red, while his life partner Ggruxx is largely green. Fortunately they picked two colors far apart enough on the old color wheel to make them very easy to distinguish.

    There’s very little slop on any part of the figure, including the intricate armor. Cut lines are generally clean, and there’s a greater number of ops here than you might have expected.

    My one issue is around the poor guy’s teeth – it appears he doesn’t have much of a dental plan. There are obvious rub marks on several of them, and I suspect this is from the package.

    Articulation – ***1/2
    The major area of issue when the line was first introduced, I’m happy to now report that the articulation is much tighter. They’ve gone with a ‘clicky’ style joint on the knees and ankles, making his support system much stronger.

    You can still pose him in a ton of poses, including deep stances, and all the articulation that was here with the earlier figures – ball jointed neck, shoulders and hips, pin elbows, knees, and ankles, as well as pin and cut wrists – is all still there. There’s also a cut waist, as well as a sort of rocker or ball joint at the chest. It might be tough to get this joint freed up, but once you do, you can get a bit more tilting and turning out of the torso.

    Accessories – **1/2
    He has two accessories in his two large axes. These fit on both his back and in his hands, and they are some deadly serious sculpts. The only real issue is that these weapons were re-used heavily throughout the line, and I would have liked to have seen a few more unique implements of death and destruction.

    Fun Factor – ***1/2
    These are for collectors, but I’ll let you in on a secret…they’re fantastic toys too. Rather than simply produce Nerd Hummels, the Four Horsemen have kept these true to the concept of action figures, making them great for kids to play with as well as looking great on the shelf. You probably won’t spend $30 on a battle ready anthropomorphic elephant for your 7 year old to use against his Spider-man figures, but you certainly could if you were so inclinded. And that 7 year old would have a great time with him, too.

    Value – **
    Unfortunately, the one area that these get hit a bit on is Value. That’s because at $30, they are mighty expensive action figures. Buyers won’t be able to not notice the heavy re-use of the bodies and accessories, and they also won’t forget that these are not licensed properties.

    Stilll, the run size on every version is extremly low, usually in the 300 – 500 piece range. Even doing 10 versions means only a max of 5,000 or so were produced of the entire series. That kind of extremely low production numbers, even without licensing, make for some pretty expensive figures.

    Things to Watch Out For –
    Not much. Like I said earlier, you might find the horns a bit frustrating and just end up gluing them in place, but otherwise you should be good to go. This is a sturdy figure with very sturdy joints, and little Billy could put him through the paces without too much damage.

    Overall – ***1/2
    This is another winning release by the Four Horsemen. The “animal as human” nature of these will only appeal to certain folks, but the designs are top notch with excellent sculpts and paint. It looks like they’ve gotten their factory issues behind them, and I’m looking forward to Scarabus, the 2008 figure!

    Where to Buy –
    Figures.com be the place to pick this guy up, or you can search ebay using MyAuctionLinks.

    Related Links –
    I looked at the 2006 FANtastic Exclusive, as well as reviewing the 2007 Rhino last summer. And check out the Four Horsemen’s site for details on this year’s figure!

  • Comics & Comics: Super Fun Time Summer Comedy Blowout

    COMics & Comics 31208- lOGO

    Howdy Inter-Webbers, I’m Matt Cohen and I dig seeing movies in theaters.

    I was fortunate enough to grow up about a half a mile from one of the best and oldest theatres on Long Island, a grand affair with one screen and a balcony. From the age of 4 until it closed when I was 16, I spent every possible free moment seeing movies in that beast (a glorious beast) of a place. And from that, I think I developed a real affinity for viewing films with audiences, in the dark, on larger then life screens. Of course, some genres translate better to the big screen – horror/action/scifi/fantasy type deals – but all movies can be enhanced by seeing them as they were meant to be seen, and comedies are no exception to this rule. So, I thought i’d share my summer comedy movie going experience with you guys. You’re good people. Read on.

    Ghosts of X-Mas Past:

    Forgetting Sarah Marshall: The top comedy of the summer so far. I love this movie. It’s got such a surprising heart to it that I can’t help but smile like a kid when I think about it. In an age of gross out humor and sophomore hijinks, FSM stands out as a smart, extremely hilarious comedy that actually means well. Now, I’m the last person to usually enjoy romantic comedies, and though this film doesn’t follow the traditional rom-com route it still very much is a piece of that genre. And, for the first time since Love Actually, I actually enjoyed a movie that imposed (not in a constrictive way) heart on the viewer, something I usually cringe from, but in FSM it’s organic and realistic and honestly makes you feel kinda good about life. Awesome film by the cat poised to take over Hollywood, Jason Segal, who is also the man responsible for the next cinematic adventure of my beloved Muppets. And I really couldn’t think of a person out there who I would rather see get the job.

    You Don’t Mess with the Zohan: The surprise of the summer. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a big Sandler fan. His last two or three films though have been down right awful in my opinion (Especially Click. wtf?) and it has made me more hesitant to see a Sand-man movie. I’m glad I didn’t hesitate with this one. Zohan is, in my opinion, his funniest film since Big Daddy (a long time ago) and one of the nuttier, funnier comedies I’ve seen in a while. The plot and characters are so damn ridiculous that you are sort of forced to just go with it, and the rewards are great. It’s so random and weird and akward and wrong – basically all the things that classic Sandler stood for – and it’s a definite return to top shape. I may have identified with the whole Jewish thing a bit more then some audiences, but even if you haven’t met a Jew in your life (some of you are from the Midwest, after all) I really think you’ll have a great time with the movie. Oh, by the way, best John Turturo role since The Big Lebowski.

    Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay: I love the first film but I I like the second. I don’t know exactly what it was about the sequel that didn’t do it for me. Most of the elements had returned. John Cho and Kal Pen are funny dudes, and Neil Patrick Harris is now a comedy Icon. The movie was almost exactly similar in plot and structure as well. And that may be what went wrong with the film – Too much of the same. Sequels should heighten – even comedies – and I felt like I was watching Harold and Kumar 1.2 as opposed to Harold and Kumar 2.

    Get Smart: The most “meh” flick I’ve seen in a while. Not good, not bad, but so middle of the road it’s painful. Surprisingly adept direction of the action scenes from director Peter Segal, though, which I guess is a nice surprise, but not really in a movie I wanted to laugh at. All in all, about three laughs in two hours. That’s not a great ratio, friends. Carrell is Carell, so it’s not without some redemptive qualities, though.

    Ghosts of X-Mas Future:

    Pineapple Express: The film I am most excited about this summer (besides Dark Knight and Hellboy II“¦ C’mon, it’s me). Finally, FINALLY, someone had the brilliant idea to combine to of my personal loves – stoner comedies and shoot’em up action flicks. From the second I first saw the trailer I was absolutely sold. Rogen is as gold as it gets in my books, and James Franco, though not someone I usually pay much mind to, appears to have turned in one of the stoner performances of the ages. Add in an amazing supporting cast – with the likes of Craig Robinson, Danny Mcbride and Gary Cole – and throw in indie superstar director (and quite an accomplished filmmaker, in my opinion) David Gordon Green, and you’ve got one of the most intriguing films to come out in a very long time. I’m there.

    Tropic Thunder: The movie that snuck up on me. Somehow, even with my obsessive daily combing of the web, I missed the announcement that this film existed. In fact, the first time I heard of it was the first time I saw the trailer, something that rarely, if ever, happens to me. I hope to remedy this situation as soon as possible. This movie looks like a blast. Very infrequently has someone managed to assemble such a great comedic cast as the filmmakers behind Tropic Thunder. Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Tony Stark himself, Robert Downey Jr. star in a film chock full of big cameos (Thomas Cruise anyone ?) By now you’ve all seen the trailers, and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this movie will be hilarious. The red band was especially funny (Red Band: My favorite new trend in filmmaking) and the Downey character looks to be an instant classic. Soon kiddos, soon…

    The Stepbrothers: The wild card. I am an unashamed fan of Will Ferrell and everything he touches. The man is a genius, and Anchorman and Talladega Nights are to modern audiences what Duck Soup and Day at the Races was to our great-grandparents. I stand by that statement whole-heartedly, as I think they are two of the best comedies of all time. So I’m sold on Ferrell for life. But even I can admit that sometimes he misses a bit more then he hits, as seen in the pretty “just okay” Semi-Pro. So there’s that factor – Will coming off a sub par film. John C. Reily, another man I’m a huge fan of, is in a similar situation, where he is coming off Walk Hard, which really didn’t do anything for me. So in a way, Stepbrothers could set the tone for the next year or two in these gentlemen’s careers. And, from all early indications and the trailer, the fold has been returned to (I butchered that, didn’t I?). I personally think this may wind up being the funniest film of the summer. I guess time will tell.

    So kids, that’s it for now. I’m going on sabbatical for a few days. I deserve it. But fear not – same Matt place, same Matt channel, next week yo. Check, check, check, check it out”¦ And, as always,

    “Keep em’ bagged and boarded”

    Matt Cohen is currently living underwater. It’s wet.

  • TV Or Not TV: 6/23 – 6/29

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    Here we are again, same Will time, same Will channel.

    There is no other way to put it folks, the week is bleak. Television doesn’t have a lot to offer us. As a matter of fact this week was so bad I was almost considering writing a book report in place of my regular column. I also considered writing about my desire to get a new iPhone when they come out, or even blogging about how much weight I’ve lost so far this year*. Instead, however, I sat down and took a long hard look at the schedule for the next week (mostly because I figured none of the others would actually get published here at the “˜Stop).

    Last week I failed to mention the premiere of America’s Got Talent. This is the third season of the show, and last year the winner was a ventriloquist. Unlike American Idol this show will take people of any age doing anything that they claim is a talent. The contestants are a full spectrum starting out at bizarre and pathetic and ending in awe inspiring. If the campiness of the acts isn’t enough for you than you can’t help but enjoy the half-coherent judging done by David “The Hoff Hasselhoff.

    We’re also four episodes in to the new season of The Venture Brothers on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim and so say that I’m extremely pleased and entertained would be putting it lightly. So far we’ve been given a glimpse into more of the history of the characters, complete with origin stories. I am only sad to think that we’re already a third of the way through this new season.

    All of that being said, let me present to you the massive and steaming pile of shows for the upcoming week.

    MONDAY

    NBC ““ 9:00 PM: Tonight’s episode of American Gladiators may be better (or worse) than thousands of dollars in therapy. Married couples take on the challenge. Unfortunately only one man and one woman can continue on to the semifinals, so there goes the potential for any progress.

    SHO ““ 10:00 PM: Now that Nancy has settled in to her new digs on Weeds she’s going to have some fun at the border. Celia‘s going to be suffering in prison and I’m waiting eagerly to see this.

    TUESDAY

    FOX – 8:00 PM: Two hours of Hell’s Kitchen. Not a show to watch with the munchies.

    NBC – 8:00 PM: Some things are so brilliant you dare not even dream about them. One such thing is Celebrity Family Feud, where Ice-T and his family goes up against Joan and Melissa Rivers and family to try to win money for charity. I’d like to formally request Miley Cyrus and family vs. The Kardashians.

    FX ““ 10:00 PM: If you blink you may miss the first of the 10 minisodes of Rescue Me that they are offering up since the show won’t be back until 2009.

    WEDNESDAY

    ABC ““ 8:00 PM: If you’ve been wondering how far we’ve fallen as a society look no further than Wipeout. 24 people navigate an obstacle course specifically designed to make them fall and face plant constantly. What do you get for your pain? A one in four chance to win $50,000.

    NBC ““ 9:00 PM: If you’ve dealt with a teenager lately then you know that they think they know everything. Tonight I’m hoping Baby Borrowers will be giving quite a few teenagers a dose of reality.

    ABC ““ 9:00 PM: ABC continues their suckfest with I Survived a Japanese Game Show. Once again people get abused, but this time they are gunning for $250,000. Hey, got to draw the line for your dignity somewhere, right?

    CW – 9:00 PM: It’s the finale of Farmer Wants a Wife. Too bad it isn’t followed up by America Really Doesn’t Care.

    THURSDAY

    VH1 – 3:00 PM: Enjoy a marathon of the latest addition to the I Love” series on VH1. Even though we’re only 9 years in (or 8 depending on who you argue with), they give us I Love the New Millennium (until 2007 anyway).

    FX – 8:00 PM: I find that one of those polarizing films is Batman Begins. People seem to either like it or hate it. I’m part of the former.

    SCIFI – 9:00 PM: Another great polarizer is M. Night Shyamalan’s Unbreakable. Personally I think it would have been a greater film if you cut the twist” at the end of the film.

    FRIDAY

    ABC- 8:00 PM: Tonight ABC attempts to beat the dead horse a bit more by bringing us their own dance based game show Dance Machine.

    BRAVO – 9:00 PM: There is nothing funny about the film Broke Back Mountain, but the fact that it airs after the GLAAD Media Awards does make me chuckle.

    AMC ““ 10:00 PM: Tune in to AMC to watch the movie that made us aware of what a modem is with WarGames. Perhaps a nice game of chess?

    SATURDAY

    ANIMAL PLANET – 7:00 PM: Hosted by Beth O (Howard Stern‘s fiancé), enjoy the World’s Ugliest Dog Competition before watching”¦

    ANIMAL PLANET ““ 8:00 PM: A highlight show of the first season of Groomer Has It leads us in to the season finale at 9.

    ABC – 8:00 PM: It’s the Not So Wonderful World of Disney when they present us with The Haunted Mansion.

    E! – 8:00 PM: If you have three hours you can watch 60 of the 101 Most Unforgettable SNL Moments.

    SUNDAY

    NBC – 8:00 PM: This week’s U.S. Olympic Trials brings us those vying for a spot on the swimming teams.

    FX ““ 9:00 PM: A guilty pleasure that I have to watch every time it is on is Dodgeball:A True Underdog Study.

    TCL ““ 9:00 PM: In The Singing Office former N’Sync-er Joey Fatone and ex-Spice Girl Mel B. drop in on offices and hold singing competitions to find untapped talent in the corporate world. Each episode they hit two offices and those selected have a sing off against each other. I like the idea, can’t wait to see the execution.

    – *Will Wilkins has lost close to 30 pounds so far this year, in case you were wondering.

  • Comics in Context #225: Getting Lucky in New York

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    Here’s something I’d dearly love to write about in this column. I’ve been to Walt Disney World three times, but it’s been over half a decade since my last visit. Similarly, I’ve been to Disneyland several times, usually in connection with a trip to the San Diego Con. but I haven’t been there since the opening of its sister theme park, Disney’s California Adventure. I’d love to do a detailed, novelistic report on my visit to a Disney theme park, but considering that I’m virtually broke (and I’m not kidding about this), I don’t know when I’ll be able to afford to go to one if them and see the new attractions.

    If only somehow the attractions could come to me, instead.

    Well, when one lives in New York City, the impossible sometimes becomes reality.

    On Saturday, May 31, the first World Science Festival held a program titled “The Science of Disney Imagineering” at New York University’s Skirball Center. And what, you may ask, is Imagineering? According to the Walt Disney Company’s careers website, “Walt Disney Imagineering is the master planning, creative development, design, engineering, production, project management, and research and development arm of The Walt Disney Company and its affiliates. Representing more than 150 disciplines, its talented corps of Imagineers is responsible for the creation of Disney resorts, theme parks and attractions, hotels, water parks, real estate developments, regional entertainment venues, cruise ships and new media technology projects.” In short, Walt Disney Imagineering conceives and designs the attractions at the theme parks.

    Walt Disney Imagineering originated as WED Enterprises, a company that Walt Disney himself founded in 1952, in large part to come up with ideas for what became Disneyland, which opened in 1955. (Disney’s full name was Walter Elias Disney, hence the initials.) Owned personally by Walt Disney, WED Enterprises was initially a separate company from Walt Disney Productions, but eventually was absorbed into it.

    There were three performances of “The Science of Disney Imagineering” that Saturday, at 10, 12:30, and 3. When I arrived at the Skirball Center around 9 AM, the latter to shows were already sold out, and it seems that I purchased one of the last remaining tickets for the morning show.

    Waiting in line to enter the Skirball Center auditorium, I saw some volunteers wearing silver mouse ears caps and shirts bearing the name “Disney Voluntears.” Not until I started writing this essay did I realize that this was a reference to the mouse ears; at the time I kept thinking that this was an unfortunate spelling, as if volunteer work for Disney resulted in tears. A well-placed hyphen would have been useful.

    Looking at the line, I was surprised to see that there were more women than men. By the time that the show started, the division between men and women in the audience was more even. Still, this was a surprise, and not the first time that day that any preconception I might have had that the show would primarily attract stereotypical male technology geeks was proven wrong.

    Saturday was the World Science Festival’s “Kids and Family Day,” and there were plenty of kids in the audience for this show, but they were still far outnumbered by adults, mostly under forty.

    To judge from the people sitting around me, there were also well-informed Disney buffs there. One of the volunteers was asking kids sitting near me what the name of the first Disney animated cartoon was. She was looking for Steamboat Willie (1928), the first Mickey Mouse cartoon to be released. But one kid in front of me suggested Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, the star of the animated series that Walt Disney produced before the creation of Mickey, and which, until recently, the Disney Company did not own (see “Comics in Context” #211: “The Silent Rabbit”). And someone behind me insisted that the correct answer was Plane Crazy, the Mickey cartoon which Walt Disney made before Steamboat Willie but released afterwards. Not bad. I applaud these young audience members’ sense of history.

    On the stage was a large video screen, in which one could perceive the dim outline of Mickey Mouse’s head and ears. Yes, it was a “Hidden Mickey,” like those in the theme parks. Small groupings of three circular lights, positioned in the formation of Mickey’s head and ears, drifted across the screen.

    The first person to appear on-stage was Brian Greene, the physics professor from my alma mater, Columbia University, the author of The Elegant Universe, and the co-founder of the World Science Festival, along with his wife, television journalist Tracy Day. The audience greeted Greene with effusive applause: perhaps they merely thought that someone walking into the stage signaled the start of the show, but I rather suspect that this audience recognized him. Greene welcomed the audience and thanked various people who had contributed to the Festival.

    After Greene left the stage, a voice over the sound system proclaimed, “Attention, all future scientists. Please take your seats.” That was a reminder that this show was intended for family audiences, but also had the commendable purpose of encouraging young kids to pursue science as a career.

    The disembodied voice continued, “Keep your hands, feet, arms and legs inside the theater at all times,” getting a laugh. Of course that was a joke alluding to theme park rides, but it also helped give me the feeling as if I was back at a Disney theme park. That gag had the sense of wit, even aimed at Disney itself, which I associate with the Disney theme parks at their best. And indeed, throughout the show it was as if the Disney theme park atmosphere had somehow materialized briefly in New York City. (I felt the same way when I saw the Mary Poppins musical on Broadway when I noticed that the ushers and elevator attendants demonstrated a kind of friendliness I more associate with Disney park “cast members’” than with typical Broadway staffers.)

    Then an offstage voice introduced our host for the performance, “Imagineer Scott Trowbridge.” We waited, but no one appeared; the sound of crickets was heard. The voice introduced Trowbridge again, and this time he appeared on the on-stage video screen in what seemed to be a live transmission. He was outside, across the street, somewhere in Washington Square Park, perusing a map, trying to figure out where the Skirball Center was. (In other words, he was doing what I had been doing a little more than an hour previously.)

    Then, unexpectedly, as we watched, a dinosaur’s head appeared on=screen and took Mr. Trowbridge’s map in his mouth! This was one of new Disney theme park attractions that I had longed to see, and which had made the journey to New York instead: Lucky the audio-animatronic dinosaur.

    Once again I have to define my terms. “Audio-animatronics” is the term used by Walt Disney himself and the early Imagineers to describe the firm of robotics that they pioneered at Disneyland and the 1964 New York World’s Fair. (Hey, so there’s a reason why it’s appropriate that Lucky should visit New York.) Robotic figures of animals and people in the Jungle Cruise, Pirates of the Caribbean, the Country Bear Revue, Splash Mountain, and the Hall of Presidents, including the celebrated figure of Abraham Lincoln, are audio-animatronic devices. I assume that the “audio” part of the word refers to the fact that the figures move in sync with prerecorded sounds, music and voices. The term “animatronics” suggests that Walt Disney and the Imagineers regarded themselves as “animating” these three-dimensional robotic figures if characters just as the Disney studio famously animated cartoon characters on-screen. In both cases Disney and his staff were attempting to impart the “illusion of life” and even to express characterization through movement.

    In the American Adventure pavilion at EPCOT, an audio-animatronic figure of Benjamin Franklin amazingly ascends some steps. But apart from limited examples of movement like this, Disney audio-animatronic figures stay rooted in one place. That changed in 2003, when Lucky made his debut. He represented a breakthrough, in that he is the first fully mobile audio-animatronic figure, able to walk back and forth, even in a natural, outdoor setting like Washington Square Park. (You can find out more about Lucky here and watch YouTube videos of Lucky in action here and here.)

    Lucky first appeared at Disney’s California Adventure, and later traveled to Animal Kingdom at Walt Disney World and to the new Hong Kong Disneyland. a place I expect I will never ever visit. But I never expected him to come to New York City!

    Holding the map in his mouth, Lucky drooled on it and grunted amusedly at Trowbridge, who wanted to know where the Skirball Center was. Lucky, who grunts rather than talks, directed his attention to a nearby sign, “To Skirball Center.” But why should Trowbridge trust a dinosaur? Lucky indicated another sign, reading, “listen to the dinosaur.” That seemed to resolve the issue. Trowbridge bid goodbye to Lucky, and introduced a brief film (or video) while he hustled over to the auditorium.

    The film appropriately began with footage of Walt Disney himself talking about Disneyland and the Imagineers. The film then stated that the present day Imagineers’ mission was “to grow and expand Walt’s vision.” Further, the film declared (if I transcribed this correctly), “No other company in the world has a team dedicated to inspiring the imagination.” It seems to me that other creative enterprises, from the curatorial staff of an art museum to the faculty of a school of the arts and even to a good editorial staff of a comics company could claim the same goal, but I like the fact that the Imagineers conceive of their purpose in these terms.

    Once the film ended, Trowbridge raced onto the stage, seemingly out of breath. (Considering how much ground he had to cover in a short time to get from Lucky’s position in the park to the stage, he may not have altogether been faking.)

    Scott Trowbridge is actually vice president for creative research and development at Walt Disney Engineering; until last fall, he was vice president of Universal’s Creative Studios, where he had been senior show producer on the Spider-Man ride for Universal’s Islands of Adventure. None of this was mentioned in the “Science of Disney Imagineering” show; I found it out on my own, afterwards. Instead, Trowbridge, as master of ceremonies, shifted in and out of playing himself ss a comedy character, and rather effectively, too. He reminded me of Steve Carell’s characters: earnest, but sometimes in over his head. As this character, Trowbridge needing the other Imagineers in the show, who all play it straight, to set him straight on the subjects under discussion.

    What does science have to do with the Disney theme parks, Trowbridge asked. He began by explaining Imagineering. “We make amazing, cool things come to life,” he told us, in a decided improvement on General Electric’s slogan. Behind him on the screen appeared pictures of Walt Disney, Mickey Mouse as Steamboat Willie, and Albert Einstein, thus not only connecting popular art with science, but also suggesting that Walt Disney was a creative visionary in Einstein’s league.

    “Imagineering,” Trowbridge pointed out, is the combination of two words: “Imagination” and “earring.” No, he quickly corrected himself: “imagination” and “engineering.” Imagineers, he said, “use science and engineering” in order “to bring dreams to life.” Imagineers, he continued. come from a wide variety of fields; writers, performers, designers, producers, engineers, and scientists. (What was that about writers?)

    “Science and imagination are actually two sides of the exact same page,” Trowbridge said. And speaking of pages, he then took out a red notebook, which he said was standard equipment for any Imagineer: it’s where an Imagineer jots down ideas. A huge image of a similar notebook appeared on the screen behind him. “Today you guys are going to be Imagineers,” Trowbridge told the audience, who enthusiastically responded. They were hooked, and so was I.

    Trowbridge read an entry from the notebook: “The vast majority of gravity-powered conveyances that utilize rapid changes in acceleration to generate various G-forces. . . .” Then he translated for us: this entry is about roller coasters, the subject of the first segment of the show. Trowbridge then introduced Ric Turner, an Imagineer who specializes in roller coasters. Turner brought out a man-sized mechanism resembling a huge gyroscope. It’s apparently really called a force vector simulator, but Turner dubbed it the Basic Articulated Rotational Force Simulator, which the audience quickly realized went by the acronym BARFS. Then they brought up a volunteer, dubbed an “honorary Imagineer,” from the audience, as the rest of us applauded. This was Max, a young lad of few words, as you shall see. They outfitted hum with a vest that measured the amount of G-force (the force of gravity) pressing upon him and then strapped him into the BARFS. Was he comfortable? “Kind of,” replied the less than loquacious Max.

    Turner was going to simulate for Max the experience of riding the California Screamin’ roller coaster at Disney’s California Adventure, which he described as the “longest looping roller coaster in the world.” Max was given another essential piece of equipment: an airsick bag. And then Max was off. Turner manually manipulated the BARFS while on the screen a video showed what it would look like if he were actually riding a car on California Screamin.’ When the video reached a point where the roller coaster did a loop, Turner actually spun the BARFS upside down with Max inside. (You can watch a video of Max’s misadventure here. It looks as if the video cameraman was sitting fairly close to me.)

    Turner explained that this simulator couldn’t “generate” the full G forces of the actual ride. When the roller coaster does a loop, and the riders are upside down, you “don’t feel like you’re going to fall out” because of the pressure of two G’s on you. What i found particularly interesting was when Turner explained that at one point in the ride, the force generated by acceleration impels the roller coaster car to keep going up, but the tracks head down, with the result that the forces cancel each other out, and the rider experiences zero gravity!

    His adventure in the BARFS over, Max was asked how he felt. Ever economical with language, Max replied, “Okay.” “Nobody leaves empty-handed,” declared Trowbridge, who allowed him to keep the airsick bag as a memento.

    I don’t find roller coasters appealing, and don’t understand why the terror of falling is supposed to be enjoyable, but even I appreciated Turner’s presentation. His goal, Turner said before exiting, was to “blend science and physics with great storytelling.”

    The next portion of the show was about “special effects” to produce “chills,” and was introduced by a video montage of such attractions as the Haunted Mansion and the dragon in Fantasmic. Trowbridge brought out another Imagineer, Asa Kalama, and they set about attempting to transform the Skirball Center stage into a “creepy and spooky environment.” The first step was getting the appropriate music. The first selection over the sound system, “The Girl from Ipanema,” didn’t work, nor did the second, the theme from “It’s a Small World,” though to be sure that is scary in its own way. (“That’ll be stuck in your head the rest of the day,” Trowbridge warned us.) Finally we got music that was reasonably eerie, and a cemetery under moonlight appeared on the video screen.

    We were told that the next demonstration would create a “sound from right inside your head.” A new volunteer from the audience, a young boy named Nick, was directed to whisper “I am a spooky ghost” into a microphone. Trowbridge asked us to raise our hands when we heard Nick speak. Most people in the audience could not hear Nick whispering, but this didn’t quite work with me, because I was sitting so close to the stage that I could hear Nick whispering easily. Trowbridge pointed a speaker around the audience, and when he directed it straight towards me, suddenly, yes, I could hear Nick very clearly, as if the sound were right inside my head! Kalama explained that this special speaker sent out “frequencies of ultrasound,” which ordinarily we cannot hear. But the ultrasound travels along “narrow beams” which the Imagineers “can steer around the audience.”

    Then Kalama and Trowbridge began discussing “fluid dynamics,” or in other words, using “air allied with water vapor” to create stage fog. And as they talked, seemingly oblivious to what was happening behind them, a large mass of stage fog rolled in from stage left, to the audience’s audible surprise.

    The Imagineers explained that the fog was generated by liquid nitrogen that was “two and one half times colder than any temperature recorded naturally.” Then, wielding the end of a long, serpentine metal tube, Trowbridge began spraying the front rows of the audience with the gaseous nitrogen. And did I mention that I was sitting in the center of row three? The spray was pleasantly cool. (However, later when I was wandering about the World Science Festival’s street fair in Washington Square Park, I saw a flower that had been dipped in liquid nitrogen or some other frigid chemical and been rendered hard and stiff.)

    But what about the audience sitting up in the balcony? How could they share the liquid nitrogen experience? In Carell mode, Trowbridge pulled out a little “masterblaster” gun that proved ineffectual. But then out came an enormous circular machine, that looked like some sort of mad scientist’s blasting device. This was the Big Puffer, which the Imagineers then employed to shoot “vortex rings” of artificial fog up to the balcony. (See for yourself on YouTube here.)

    The next segment, on fireworks, was introduced by a video montage of spectacular fireworks shows from Disney theme parks around the world. Trowbridge introduced Dr. Ben Schwegler, who was described as Imagineering’s chief scientist. Though Trowbridge, acting like an eager fan, was excited at the prospect of a fireworks show, Schwegler patiently explained that there wasn’t enough room indoors to launch them (“We’re not going to do booms in here.”). Instead, Schwegler said he would demonstrate how they transform “chemical energy into light energy” in fireworks shows. Both men donned safety glasses to work with three dishes, each of which contained alcohol mixed with a different chemical. The dish with strontium produced a red flame, the one with copper had a blue flame, and the third dish, containing barium, issued a green flame.

    They then explained that Disney had invented a method of using compressed air to launch fireworks. While they couldn’t launch fireworks indoors, they could use the same principle to shoot t-shirts into the audience. A huge gun was brought out, large enough for Cable or the Punisher to carry on a comics cover, and, after an initial malfunction, Trowbridge starting stuffing T-shirts into the gun and firing them at the audience; the first one landed in the row right behind me.

    The next segment of the show, Trowbridge told us, concerned a “relatively new science” that “helps create new kinds of shows.” He then introduced another Imagineer, computer scientist Amber Sandahl, an attractive young woman (who thus explodes another stereotype about computer techies). She told the audience that Imagineers “still use physical models for some things,” they use “computer models more often” in their design work.

    What she then showed us was more advanced than I’d expected. Upon the video screen appeared tiny images if people walking about, as if at one of the Disney theme parks. Sandahl called them “virtual guests,” and explained that they were “driven by artificial intelligence,” and that “each” figure was “driven by a tiny computer program.”

    Using this computer model, the Imagineers can experiment with how guests might react to changes in the parks. Using a pen-like device on the computer she held in her hand, Sandahl caused a giant cactus to drop onto the middle of the screen; the virtual guests changed direction in order to avoid walking into it. She introduced a giant ice cream cone, and the virtual guests walked toward it and crowded around it. Then she manipulated her computer again, and a big red tyrannosaur (Jack Kirby’s Devil Dinosaur? Nah, just a coincidence!) landed in their midst, and the virtual guests understandably started walking away.

    Referring to Disney’s 1960s audio-animatronic figure of Abraham Lincoln, Sandahl said that today with computers they could take a real human performance to drive characters.” She proceeded to give us a demonstration of “motion capture” technology. I haven’t had much good to say about motion capture in the past (see “Comics in Context” #205: “Identity Theft”), but, as with roller coasters, the Imagineering show made it look both amazing and entertaining.

    Two more volunteers, a father and son, came up from the audience. The video screen rose, and a large motion capture box came forward on -stage, with video screens on two sides. Sandahl told us that there were fourteen cameras to monitor the performer within the box. The boy got inside the box, and a CGI figure of a skeleton in pirate garb appeared on-screen. Following Sandahl’s instructions, the boy jumped and spun about, and the CGI character copied his every movement. Getting into the spirit of things, the boy spontaneously tucked one of the legs behind the other, and the character did the same.

    Then the father exchanged places with his son inside the box. He got three CGI counterparts onscreen, including a monster (reminiscent of Monsters, Inc.), an astronaut, and a teddy bear, on what seemed like a disco floor, complete with disco ball. As the Village People’s “YMCA” played (surely one of the songs I least expected to hear at a Disney event) the dad started dancing away, as his CGI counterparts matched him move for move. The dad wasn’t at all bad, either, and Sandahl and Trowbridge got the audience to clap in time to the disco beat.

    Just before Amber Sandahl left the stage, Trowbridge asked her, “You’re not a robot, are you?” “I can’t tell you that,” she replied. Darn! I knew she was too good to be real.

    In introducing the next segment, Trowbridge noted that not everything in theme parks is “operated by computer.” There followed a video montage about Disney’s Animal Kingdom, which is Walt Disney World’s blend of theme park and zoological park. Then Trowbridge introduced Dr. Anne Savage, another attractive young woman who was described as Animal Kingdom’s senior conservation biologist. (Are the scientists who care for the animals at Animal Kingdom also considered Imagineers, then?)

    Dr. Savage (The real Doc Savage?) said that that there were 1500 animals at Animal Kingdom, and that she also studied animals out in the wild. For example, she’d just been in Florida tracking sea turtles, since it was their nesting season, and “a few weeks ago” she had been in Botswana, tracking elephants. She them mentioned the “Disney Worldwide Conservation Fund,” which serves “to protect some of the world’s most endangered animals”. This received a spontaneous wave of applause from the audience.

    Dr. Savage described some of her experiences tracking animals while pictures appeared on the video screen. She noted “lion tracks” outside her tent in Botswana, commenting that she had to “stay in the tent all night long.” She showed pictures of Rhesus monkeys taken in Asia with “camera traps,” which take photos when triggered by the animal’s presence. (Trowbridge observed that camera traps, therefore, don’t “trap cameras.”) Then Dr. Savage noted that one can also track animals through things they leave behind, “like poop.” (Nope, I didn’t expect this, either.) “Match the feces to the species,” rhymed Dr. Savage. Scott Trowbridge turned to us and said, “No.”

    So Dr. Savage turned to a new topic, the use of transmitters to track animals. For example, a tiny transmitter is attached to the back of a Tamarin monkey, and she spoke about another transmitter that was attached to a sea turtle. Such a transmitter, she said, “communicates with a satellite in outer space,” and you can follow the turtle via a website.

    But larger animals require larger transmitters, and Dr. Savage put on a collar designed for an elephant, containing GPS technology. The collar looked enormous, but this was a small one–eight feet long, for a female elephant. She told us that a collar for a “giant bull” elephant would be fifteen to twenty feet! To demonstrate how the collar worked, they brought a whole family out of the audience and then encircled the whole group within the collar. Then Trowbridge and Savage sent them “out into the wilds of New York City” so we could track them later in the video screen with the GPS technology. Their ability to move considerably limited by the collar, the “Elephant Family,” as Trowbridge dubbed them, moved offstage in tiny steps.

    Dr. Savage then told us that the collars also contain microphones that “can record vocalizations” the elephants make, and that elephants engage in “normal conversation” with each other through “low frequency rumbles” that are below the range of human hearing.” They then played the sound of such rumbles (apparently adjusted for human hearing range) for the audience. Dr. Savage said that an elephant will have a “best friend” and they will “talk to each other all the time, over real long distances.” Moreover, the Disney scientists had identified “two new vocalizations” elephants do.

    We did not realize it, but this discussion of elephant language was setting us up for the show’s grand finale, which also involved an animal making conversation. The video screen now presented an underwater scene. with a school of fish swimming in the background. And then, into the scene swam Crush, the sea turtle from Pixar’s Finding Nemo (see “Comics in Context” #40: “Beasts and Beauty”). Crush chatted with Scott Trowbridge, but lest you think that Crush’s dialogue was scripted and prerecorded, he then began talking back and forth with a little girl from the audience!

    This was the renowned “Turtle Talk with Crush,” which is at Walt Disney World’s EPCOT, Disney’s California Adventure, and Hong Kong Disneyland, and was high on my list of new attractions to see if I ever made it to the one of the Disney theme parks. And now it had come to me!

    Although the Imagineers did not spell it out during their show at NYU, thinking about it afterwards, it was easy to figure out that the motion capture demonstration must have something to do with the way that “Turtle Talk” works. Whoever was doing Crush’s voice was quite good, combining the familiar California surfer vocal rhythms with an Australian accent. I especially liked the wryly ironic expressions that would sometimes cross Crush’s face during the show.

    The little girl from the audience took Crush aback when he attempted to engage her in “turtle talk.” She protested that she had hoped to hear him make actual turtle sounds. Speechless with surprise, Crush put a flipper to his brow in shock. The girl’s mother played along, though, telling Crush he was “totally awesome.” When Crush asked a young audience member where the kid’s “home” was, the kid forgot. “I have a friend named Dory who forgets all the time,” Crush assured the child, referring to a character from the movie and winning an appreciative laugh from the audience.

    In closing, Crush asked the audience to “promise to use the word “˜dude’ for the rest of the day. Trust me, your parents will totally love it.”

    (And if you want to see the “Turtle Talk” attraction, check out the YouTube videos here and here)

    And thus “The Science of Disney Imagineering” came to an end. Scott Trowbridge told us that we would be given Imagineers’ notebooks as we left “to jot down your ideas, thoughts, sketches, dreams and imagination.” (Hmm, sort of like a blog.) Via the video screen, GPS focused in on Washington Square Park, and we received a live video feed of “the Elephant Family,” who were now hobnobbing with Lucky the dinosaur, bringing the show full circle. And the show finally ended with a quotation from Walt Disney on the screen: “If you can dream it, you can do it.” It reminded me of a similar line from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, another connection I never expected to make with Disney, but it’s an inspiring sentiment nonetheless.

    As we filed out, the Imagineers from the show were lined up, chatting with audience members. If only one friend of mine, who has long dreamed of being an Imagineer, had been able to make it to the show! I made sure of getting an Imagineer’s notebook for myself, and one for him, before I left the Skirball Center.

    Then I spent some time exploring the World Science Festival’s street fair, inside and alongside Washington Square Park, including watching a surprisingly clever playlet about the life cycle of a butterfly enacted by three young women from the Central Park Zoo.

    Finally, I saw Lucky the Dinosaur in person! He was again interacting with Scott Trowbridge, while a man trained a video camera, and I later realized that they must have been reenacting the opening segment of the “Science of Disney Engineering” for the 12:30 PM show.

    In person, one sees that Lucky is presented as a beast of burden: he pulls a little wagon behind him, labeled “EXPLORERS CLUB.” (Shouldn’t it be the Adventurers’ Club from Disney World’s Pleasure Island?) I realize that the wagon is necessary because it conceals the computer and power source necessary for Lucky’s operation. Still, I wondered if whoever had dubbed the dinosaur “Lucky” was thinking of the similarly burdened Lucky in Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.

    But despite having to pull this wagon, Lucky the Dinosaur maintains a cheerful temperament. Once Scott Trowbridge had left, Lucky interacted with a kid from the crowd. Lucky allowed himself to be petted; he moved his head to look at the people near him, grunted in what seemed friendly responses, and, when he was photographed with the kid, even looked into the camera and smiled. If you ever imagined a pet dinosaur when you were a child, this is your dream come true. (AOL Video shows Lucky in Washington Square Park during the World Science Festival here).

    But then it began to rain, lightly but ominously. Grunting, Lucky walked backwards into a tent behind him, and soon there was a downpour. I headed to a nearby restaurant for lunch; my visit to the World Science Festival was over.

    “The Science of Disney Imagineering” was such a well put-together show that I assumed that this was an event that Disney stages from time to time in different cities and venues. But no, I’ve since read that this was a one-time event that Disney Imagineering staged solely for the three performances at the World Science Festival. Well then, I’m even more glad that I was able to see it and then to write up this report for my readers. (If you want to see photographs from the show, you can find them here and here.)

    The World Science Festival was reportedly a tremendous success, so perhaps it will become an annual event, and perhaps Walt Disney Imagineering will return to the Festival next year. Now, what other new Disney theme park attraction do I really want to see? How could they possibly bring “Soarin’ over California” to New York?

    LINKS IN THE AMAZON CHAIN

    I very much like Disney Imagineering’s pocket guides to several of the Disney theme parks. The books are highly informative, each squeezing an amazing amount of information about the attractions and how they were created into a mall volume, while being surprisingly inexpensive. And Amazon is selling them for even less! There you can find The Imagineering Field Guide to EPCOT at Walt Disney World,
    The Imagineering Field Guide to the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World, The Imagineering Field Guide to Disney’s Animal Kingdom at Walt Disney World and The Imagineering Field Guide to Disneyland.

    ADVERTISEMENTS FOR MYSELF

    In the mail I’ve just received Marvel’s latest reprint volume of the Marvel Universe Handbooks I co-wrote in the 1980s: The Essential Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, Master Edition Vol. 2: Garokk to Proctor, which Amazon is also selling. I see that Volume 3 will come out this fall.

    Besides advertising myself, I also want to promote my Quick Stop colleague Fred Hembeck’s voluminous and ceaselessly amusing The Nearly Complete Essential Hembeck Archives Omnibus, which is out at long last, both in comics stores and on Amazon. Having already been awarded well-deserved accolades by Entertainment Weekly and by Stan Lee himself (in the June 12 entry of Fred’s blog), Fred doesn’t need me to add to the praise. But I intend to review his book, too, once I finish reading the whole thing. And considering its immense size, holding most of the work of his entire cartooning career, this may take a while!

    Copyright 2008 Peter Sanderson

  • Toy Box: Bob Kane Batman Black and White

    toybox.jpg

    When DC went looking for another great superhero to follow in Superman’s steps, Bob Kane and Bill Finger stepped up with Batman. As the original creator and artist for the character, it’s no suprise that DC Direct has produced a Batman Black and White statue based on his artwork and style. In fact, I’d say the only surprise is that it’s taken this long.

    DC Direct has been extremely successful with the Batman Black and White series of statues. They are each done in a 6″ scale (1/12th), sculpted to mirror the artistic style of a particular Batman artist. They’ve represented artists from Jim Lee to Kelley Jones, and the latest release is based on the artwork of the creator, Bob Kane.

    Coming up next for the line is a Neal Adams version, along with a Derek Miller and George Perez. DCD has raised the price on these to $70 a pop (that’s SRP, which translates to around $60 – $65 at most stores), an increase of around 20% in a very short period. Whether the popularity of the line can withstand the price hike is yet to be seen.

    If you have any questions or comments, drop me a line at mwc@mwctoys.com or swing by my website at Michael’s Review of the Week. On to the review!

    Batman Black and White – Bob Kane

    Packaging – **1/2
    It’s the usual box. It has some decent artwork of course, but the lack of a window and any sort of COA is a big negative. The box should get the bust to you safely, but it won’t sell a lot of product on its own.

    Sculpting -***
    The sculpt is by Jonathan Mathews, who has done a number of the statues as well as other work for DCD. If you’re familiar with Jonathan’s work, than you won’t be surprised by the quality here. It’s not his best, but it’s certainly solid.

    The proportions are all done very much in the Kane style. Keep in mind that his Batman was less chilsed and ripped than our current versions, with not only a slimmer appearance, but a sleecker style. Kane’s Batman was no wimp, but steriod abusing atheletes had not yet set the standard for male perfection.

    This isn’t the very first Kane style Batman, however. The long ears aren’t here, and the head isn’t nearly as stubby. He also has full length gloves, whereas in his earliest appearances he wore shorter regular gloves. Check out the DCD First Appearance Batman for a better idea of what I’m refering to.

    While I don’t claim to be an expert, this looks more like a mid to late 40’s Kane Batman to me, with the small symbol, sharp claw-like hands, and square buckle on the bat belt. Small details are here, like the stitching line in the fold of each section of cape, which were usually drawn in by Kane.

    While he is the right height for the overall line, the extreme departure in style from the more modern Bats might put some folks off. For me, I prefer the extremes, as it gives the entire group when viewed together a bit more visual interest.

    Paint – **1/2
    The paint work has gotten sloppier with the last few releases, and I’m getting less patient with it. This time, the mask trails down on to the face below the nose, and even the skin tone is uneven and sloppy. They still went with the nice glossy boots and gloves, which sets them apart nicely from the rest of the figure, but at this price point on a statue this small, I don’t expect obvious slop.

    Design – ***
    The design is good, with a nice dynamic feel to the cape flowing up and out from his body. One glance and you get the impression he’s just jumped down from a great height, and you’re seeing him just as he hits the ground and just before he springs forward to kick some ass. The cape is flowing up and out from his body evenly on both sides, much like wings. That’s fitting, since it was Kane’s original intent that it be more like wings than a cape.

    However, there are many more iconic looks from that period, especially from the early covers of Batman. I think that had they picked something more iconic, the style and design would have been a bit more recognizable to the Bat lay person.

    My biggest design issue is actually a mechanical one. The stance is just a little too wide to allow you to fit the metal pegs (which are attached to the feet, not the base) into the holes. This is a bigger issue when removing the figure than when putting him on, because as you *gently* pull him off the base, a lot of pressure will be put on the pegs and feet. I ended up breaking one at mid-foot, even being extremely careful.

    Value – **
    At the end of 2007, you could get one of these statues for $45, $50 tops. Now, that has increased to almost $60 at most retailers, due to the price increases from DCD. And while I love these little guys, the amount of materials, along with the general quality level, does not justify that high of a price point. It looks like DCD may up the price even further this year, and I fear that will very well be stake in the heart for this line.

    The reason for that is the completists. This is a series that has been very attractive to the completist mentality, because the black and white coloration and Batman theme makes a complete display more attractive than if you only buy one or two. While the individual statues may not always be great, as a set they look fantastic. That has driven many collectors to pick up versions they might not otherwise have bought.

    But at $60 or $70 a pop, that desire is likely to dry up like a worm on a hot day. With buyers being much choosier about which ones they get, one or two weak releases could doom the line with retailers.

    Things to Watch Out For –
    Be very careful attaching him to and removing him from the base! The metal pegs don’t quite line up on mine, and even though I was very gentle putting him on, when I went to pull him off I broke the foot at the metal peg. It reglued well enough, but be careful!

    Overall – **1/2
    While Jonathan’s sculpt and the general design are solid, it’s the new higher price point that’s hurting my overall. It’s nice, but it’s not a $60 statue, and with DCD raising the SRP from $60 to as much as $75 on upcoming releases, it doesn’t look good for the longevity of the series.

    Where to Buy –
    Online options are the best, particularly if you don’t have a reliable LCS:

    Alter Ego Comics has him for $59.49.

    Urban Collector has him at $60.

    CornerStoreComics has him at $55.

    Things from Another Planet has him at $63.

    Related Links –
    I’ve looked at a number of these, including Frank Miller, Jim Lee, Matt Wagner, Mike Mignola, and Kelley Jones.

  • TV Or Not TV: 6/16 – 6/22

    tvornottv2.jpg

    Hello TV viewer. Welcome to another week of “Thank goodness there’s cable!”

    I mentioned this week’s must watch shows in last week’s column. Showtime has decided that the perfect way to spend our Monday nights is with some good old fashioned sex and drugs (well, drugs and sex if you look at the order of airing). Weeds and Secret Diary of a Call Girl both premiere on Monday. The former I’ve been looking forward to and I’m hoping the latter is good since Showtime has decided to put them back-to-back.

    Some of you reading this may also be shell shocked after last Friday’s episode of Battlestar Galactica and I’m right there with you. The episode titled “Revelations’ was filled with just that. The humans finally found out who the four of the Final Five Cylons were that were living among them, a tense hostage situation ended with a peaceful resolution, and the fleet finally found what appeared to be Earth (although not at all what they, or we, expected).

    I admit that I’ve written very little about this season of Galactica because I didn’t really understand sometimes where the show was going. After last week’s episode I see that step-by-step we were being brought to the final moments of this episode which, in line with the entire tone of the show, was both dark and dismal after setting us up with a brief glimpse of joy and celebration. Unlike those aboard the ship I knew that what I was seeing couldn’t end well, and even though I knew it what I saw wasn’t any less jarring.

    Another stand out moment of the episode is the rapid decent of Olmos’ Adama after the revelation that Saul Tigh was in fact a Cylon. He went into every bit of destructive behavior we’ve seen from every other character as the foundation of his world seemed to crumble beneath him. Even more compelling to me is that, after the fact, Saul Tigh still stood his ground as a man rather than machine and was willing to give up everything for Galactica and humanity (nicely echoing his sentiment from last season’s finale).

    The only let down of the entire episode was that it ended and we have to wait until 2009 to see the final season of this amazing show (although there is potentially another TV movie that will be aired prior to the end of this year). Between waiting for this and LOST the next year is going to seem pretty darn long.

    Now it’s time to look at the mere table scraps that television is offering us from it’s buffet of choices.

    MONDAY

    SCIFI ““ 9:00 PM & 10:00PM: Two of the three episode of Star Trek:The Next Generation are again examples of why this was one of the greater shows on television. Yesterday’s Enterprise gives us a glimpse of a completely different world when the Enterprise 1701-C comes through a time rift prior to making its historical sacrifice. Sarek brings us Spock’s dad during a mental decline, and also brings us some fine acting from Patrick Stewart during the scene where he becomes the vessel for Sarek’s emotions. Yes, I’m a nerd and I’m going to keep this up.

    HBO – 9:00 PM: Greg Whitley’s documentary Resolved takes a look at the competitive world of high school debates.

    A&E – 10:00 PM: Children who have been haunted are put together to share their stories and fears in Psychic Kids:Children of the Paranormal.

    SHO ““ 10:00 PM: As mentioned above, it’s Weeds and Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

    TUESDAY

    AMC – 8:00 PM: Another night of back-to-back showings that are wonderfully nostalgic. Enjoy what comedy used to be at 8 with Animal House and then bask in the late 60’s camp of Planet of the Apes. If these aren’t to your liking maybe instead you might like”¦

    CMTV – 8:00 PM: Watch the one that started it all, National Lampoon’s Vacation, and by the end you should be whistling Zippity Doo Da from your”¦ well, watch and you’ll see.

    FX ““ 10:00 PM: Tonight on 30 Days an avid hunter works with PETA. Too bad they couldn’t get Ted Nugent.

    WEDNESDAY

    truTV – 8:00 PM: The producers of Ice Road Truckers and Deadliest Catch try to infuse us with more testosterone with a show following West Texas Oil Rig workers in Black Gold.

    HIST ““ 9:00 PM: On MonsterQuest tonight they are looking for a Bigfoot like nest making creature named The Ohio Grassman. Sounds more like a character you’d find on Weeds to me.

    TBS ““ 10:00 PM: New episodes tonight of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. I’ve never watched it, but at least it is new.

    THURSDAY

    ANIMAL PLANET – 8:00 PM: The late Timothy Treadwell‘s footage is cut together to present us the Alaskan bears as seen through his eyes in The Grizzly Diaries. Knowing what happened to Treadwell makes this a bitter sweet watch. Just don’t follow it up with Grizzly Man.

    SCIFI ““ 9:00 PM: Tonight you can compare and contrast by taking in the Ang Lee directed The Hulk. It’s like night and day when compared to the current big screen version but I have to admit that I kinda like it.

    SHO – 10:00 PM: Penn & Teller are back with their Showtime original series Bulls—! Tonight the angry and mute magician’s take on feminists. This can’t end well.

    FRIDAY

    FOX- 8:00 PM: Want to compare and contrast again? If you took in the original Planet of the Apes than you can now watch the Tim Burton remake starring Mark Wahlberg that has the most perplexing ending to come along in quite a while. Save yourself the time and tune in for the last ten minutes and still try to reason it out. Won’t work.

    TNT – 8:00 PM: Lousy remake night continues with the Adam Sandler version of The Longest Yard.

    SATURDAY

    ABC – 8:00 PM: I don’t know what a Jonas Brother is but you can watch the Disney Channel original picture Camp Rock without having the Disney Channel. If you have a kid that is in to Hannah Montana this is probably a solid bet.

    Oxygen – 8:00 PM: I was pleasantly surprised by the film About a Boy. This may very well be the first time I’m tempted to watch anything on the Oxygen channel.

    BRAVO – 8:00 PM: Witness the most shocking first day on the job ever in Training Day.

    SUNDAY

    A&E – 10:00 PM: Tonight is the return of the reality show The Two Coreys. Haim is determined to mend both his career and friendship with Feldman back on track. I can’t wait to see them go to couples therapy.

    SPIKE ““ 10:00 PM: It’s a celebration of sports, sweat and testosterone with the Guys Choice Awards. Find out what guys think is better: F’ing Matt Damon or F’ing Ben Affleck. No really, this was one of the choices!

    Will Wilkins‘ love of Star Trek got him banned form voting in the Guys Choice Awards.

  • Comics & Comics: HULK SMASHing Good Time

    COMics & Comics 31208- lOGO

    Howdy Inter-Webbers. I’m Matt Cohen, and I dig the summer.

    You just can’t beat the combination of warm sunny days and crisp, colorful comics. Something about the natural light that’s all around lends itself to enjoying funny books. It’s bliss. And, on some rare, lucky occasions, us few and dedicated get to see our childhood heroes put up on the bigscreen in larger then life glory. The Summer Movie was built for Comic Book adaptations. And this summer seems to be the most Comic Booky in years, if not ever. We’ve already seen the kickassness that is IRON MAN, and DARK KNIGHT promises to wow geeks the world over when it gets released next month. Somewhere in all the hype for the previously mentioned films, another comic book movie got forgotten by the masses, or so it seemed. Luckily, according to the first weekend box office, only the opposite could be the case, and it’s well deserved. I am here to tell you that THE INCREDIBLE HULK is pretty damn good. Nearly great.

    Hulk, Hulk, Hulk… What are we gonna do with you? I was too young to watch the TV show, and the Ang Lee version – while entertaining – left me wanting a lot more. I compare that film to superhero ballet. Beautiful and masterful, but boring as all hell. With the new reboot, directed by TRANSPORTER 1 + 2 helmer Louis Leterrier and starring (and supposedly mostly written by) Tyler Durden himself (Spoiler) Edward Norton, I – along with countless other Hulk Comic fans – were given one more chance for one of our favorite four color characters to be done justice on the big screen.

    Was the wait worth it?

    I defiitely think so.

    Though THE INCREDIBLE HULK is far from a perfect film, it is evertything it needed to be to make it an extremely enjoyable summer film. So there’s that factor. But forget the masses. Forget the uninitiated. Will a comic book fan like the new Hulk movie?

    Yes, yes and a whole lot more yes.

    By this time there are countless Hulk reviews on countless websites, so to avoid redundancy and try to keep this bad boy fresh, I’m going to get right to the nitty gritty. How the film played for me. I’ll break it down into pros and cons, to further avoid another long winded synopsis/review that you don’t want to read, and I don’t want to write.

    Hulk Face

    HULK LIKE!!! (pros)

    Comic Book Content: More so then possibly any comic book film that has been released in this fun filled decade of ours, THE INCREDIBLE HULK is jam packed with content and references lifted directly out of the comics. It is almost hard to keep a tally of the geek-ster eggs (I’m witty), they fly by so fast and often. It’s one thing for a big summer blockbuster to pander to the masses, but for one to pander to Comic Book fans – That is freaking fantastic. From shout outs to obscure characters yet to play their part in the MU, to glimpses of players just now finding their role, this film does not skimp on the cameos. Of course, by now everyone knows about Tony Stark’s appearance in the film, but to me, the more impressive and quite frankly badass cameos belonged to Doc Samson and Sam Sterns, two characters who will (hopefully) morph from what we’ve seen in this film, to the respective hero and villain we all know and love. The entire film practically seeps comic book style, from the Kirbyesque sonar canons to the fun and often cheesy (and yet somehow still effective) dialogue. Simply put, fans of the comic will not be let down one bit. All the characters remain true to their roots and I applaud Marvel Studious on yet again making a comic book film for comic book fans.

    The Acting: First it was Robert Downey, Jr. and crew in Iron Man. Now, Edward Norton leads another ensemble of extremely talented actors in what is a shining example of how good a comic book movie can be. No need for overacting and schtick. Everyone here plays it real, unless the character calls for some other trait or eccentricity. The viewer doesn’t feel like they are watching a film in a genre that has traditionally been style over substance to the max. Hulk, along with Iron Man and Nolan’s Batman series, has definitely reversed the “Comic-Acting” trend in a big way. Norton and Roth in particular really shine here, bringing a sense of depth and emotion to their respective characters that viewers would probably not expect in typical “Light” summer fare. Norton gives a unique performance as Banner, not necessarily drawing on Bixby and Bana, rather by playing it fairly simple and “real” he paints a Bruce that rings truer to the comic version then any I have seen so far. He manages to bring a quiet intensity to the role, one I felt was badly missing in the other film and television attempts. Roth is Roth. What can you say about the man? I mean, it’s freaking Mr. Orange! Roth, as usual, is one of the most nuanced and compelling screen actors around, and never does he let Blonsky become a parody or a caricature. Though he is menacing and f’d up to the nines, we understand this man, his motivations, his desires. The chance for cheesiness was high in that role, and Mr. Roth couldn’t have done a better job of avoiding it. Rounding out the cast are Liv Tyler and William Hurt, two actors who are very hit or miss in my opinion. Thankfully, both hit this time, bringing life and scope to what can be considered very two dimensional characters. Commendable job on both fronts. And I would be lying if I said Tim Blake Nelson is not one of my favorite actors in the world, and though his performance as Dr. Sam Sterns was a “Tad” campy, it fit right in with the character (If you know who the character is about to become… hint…hint…. google it.) and got me extremely pumped for any and all future appearances.

    The Hulk: He looks fake!!! He looks CGI!!! HE’S A 10 FOOT TALL GREEN MONSTER-MAN!!! General casting was not going to solve that one. I am under the opinion that they absolutely NAILED the Hulk this time around. Forget the haters. Of course he has to be CGI – a realistic practical affect would be impossible. So when all is said and done, one can only judge the work by what was put on screen, and what was put on screen in pretty much the EXACT Hulk we know and love from the comics. Though the changes were subtle and slight from the past film they did wonders to improve the look and overall feel of Big Green. He’s not as bulky now, less Frankenstein then in the Ang Lee version. Not as neon green, which as ridiculous as it sounds really helped me to buy the reality of the universe, at least more then I did in the previous film. Besides the physical changes there are personality ones as well. This Hulk is smarter, a better fighter (through better use of defense) and yet at the same time much more animalistic then previously seen. This Hulk is pure rage and aggression, but coupled with a quick and resourceful mind. The ultimate destruction machine. One scene in particular nailed it for me. SPOILER ZONE. Hulk and Betty are holed up in a cave during a thunderstorm. A crash of lightning booms out of nowhere, and Hulk is not only startled, HE IS PISSED. He runs out of the cave, picks up a giant boulder, hurls it at the sky, pounds his chest and screams. HULK IS MAD AT THE SKY!!! And even better then that, Hulk tries to fight it! That is the Hulk I know and love. The Hulk that runs on pure anger and aggression. No more contemplative dune jumping Hulk, finally, after years of waiting, The Hulk is here and he’s as badass as we’ve ever seen him.

    Abomination

    HULK SMASH!!! (cons)

    Abomination: Not so much the character as the visualization. Not great bordering on craptacular. I don’t know why this trend continues but I really have a problem when they make “Monsters” look like they are about to explode. Mr. Hyde in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen suffered from the same issue. They don’t look cool and creepy, they look bloated and as if they will fall apart at the first touch. I know that they wanted to make Hulk look “Good” in comparison but I really think the design team made a mistake with the look of Abomination in this film. And here is a simple solution they could have used… The comic book version. Why did they not go with the reptilian, scaled Abomination we are used to? I think he would have worked fine on screen, a hell of a lot better then Mr. Melting Corpse Boy that we got. Yes, the size and power were there but the look was all off. My one major complaint with the film.

    SUMMARY: All in all, a great extremely fun film that will not dissapoint comic fans and “Normals” alike. If this and IRON MAN are any indication of the future of Marvel Studios, not only am I on board but I am one of the biggest supporters. All I can say is, BRING ON THE AVENGERS… Wait, what? Another seven years!!! Oh… Never mind then… REMIND ME ABOUT THE AVENGERS IN FIVE YEARS!!!

    That’s all she and or he wrote for now. Tune in next week for another gripping and nail eating installment. Until then,

    “Keep em’ bagged and boarded”

    Matt Cohen is currently very current

  • Trailer Park: Roman Polanski Is Still A Pedo

    By Christopher Stipp

    The Archives, Right Here

    I’m awesome. I wrote a book. It’s got little to do with movies. Download and read “Thank You, Goodnight” right HERE for free.

    You know, I really didn’t have a problem with Ang Lee’s HULK.

    The amount of hatred and stink put upon that movie is, I think, undeserved. Eric Bana was a solid Bill Bixby stand-in and he carried the role with all the right amount of emo and anger. It was also the role that really solidified my interest in Josh Lucas as a professional actor. And, Jennifer Connelly? You can’t really say anything against that lady. Hell, even Sam Elliot’s mustache made an appearance.

    I can understand where there are a lot of issues with the film. It’s a little heavy on the exposition, you can get tangled up in the relationship subplot between father and son, there were those fucking awful Hulk dogs and there just isn’t a whole lot of the Hulk to “Ooo” and “Ahh” at. That said, though, it was a great film. All the woulda, shoulda, couldas with how to deal with setting the character up in the most effective manner possible doesn’t come close to respecting the tension that’s genuinely built up as Bana progresses closer to inhabiting the green monster’s rage. I will say that even the CGI Hulk wasn’t completely unbelievable. There was a good mix of effects and physics that really lent weight to the actual presence of a person who turned into this freak of nature.

    I wish Ang could have had a second swing with Hulk Part Two but this latest entry into the franchise that would not die only looks to me like it’s still wrapped up in the problems of beginning a movie like this without giving some time to exposition of how Hulk comes to be. Now, I will go on record, and I have with my distaste for the pathetic trailer, as saying I’ll give this reboot a chance. A lot of this film’s success will actually depend, I would assert, on how long Leterrier keeps audiences at bay before giving them a peek at what this Hulk looks like. The people want their bread and circuses and they want more destruction, more violence and at this point not a lot of people care whether Ed Norton gets a credit for his involvement. Like a paraphrased Ferris Bueller would say, who cares if Norton gets a say in the final cut, he could be a fascist anarchist for all I care, it still won’t change the fact that this needs to be an absolutely balls out loud and thunderous movie. As evidenced by the popularity of World War Hulk comic the mythos of this guy is all about serious damage and destruction. Pensive reflection on the nature of peace and war means fuck all when it comes to summer tent poles. I’ve already got the Hulk movie I wanted. Ang Lee did a smash up job for me with his entry. I’m just looking out for all you bellyachers who wanted a true damage fest.

    At the end of the day, at really the end of Sunday night, what’s going to matter is whether this film can pander to the 13-35 year-old dudes who want to seriously see Hulk smash. Norton can make the extra special Director’s Actor’s Cut if he wants as long as it means this movie gets it right for everyone who felt jilted by what they were given years ago. The only problem here is that you have a really bad teaser trailer with Avalanche and Hulk looking like they’re going at it on a street specially made for them by set designers who wanted the streets to look shabby sheik, and with just the right amount of cars, and a studio who thought it best to not really release anything special leading up to the release of the picture. Any corporation who wants to play GODZILLA like games with the public nowadays with concealing their final product runs the risk of having a public finding other options for their cash and very well waiting until they can take it all in on DVD come a few months from now.

    Here’s to hoping Hulk isn’t the only green flowing for Universal Pictures. And if, you’re feeling like having a good larf, here’s an Aussie who has an opinion on Ed Norton’s INCREDIBLE HULK…or just Ed Norton in particular.

    Aaaaand, for those keeping score at home, director Maria Zenovich’s ROMAN POLANSKI: WANTED AND DESIRED, a documentary that has come not come under critical pressure but legal pressure to change her film’s assertions about Convicted Pervert / Child Molester Roman Polanski’s treatment by the U.S. court system. The LA Times reported that:

    The documentary, which had already been screened at the Cannes and Sundance film festivals, originally asserted that a local judge had offered the director a deal whereby he could return to the United States with no jail time if he allowed the legal proceedings to be televised. In 1977 to wide media fanfare, Polanski was charged with a host of sexual crimes for his involvement with a 13-year-old girl. He was subsequently convicted of unlawful intercourse with a minor, but fled the country in 1978 before final sentencing.

    Allan Parachini, public information officer for the court, said that the offer alluded to in Marina Zenovich’s documentary “never occurred.”

    He added that the “fabricated reference” to the televised hearing had “the potential to . . . enormously” injure the reputation of judge Larry Paul Fidler and that court officials had been pressuring Zenovich and HBO to correct the film for about a week.

    The documentary’s amended version, which premiered Monday on HBO, stated that the judge insisted Polanski would serve no more jail time as long as the hearing were held “in public, on the record, and in court.”

    However, the documentary added, given the possibility that it could be televised, Polanski declined.

    I’d like to keep stating, for the record, since there doesn’t seem to be much interest on many other film sites in covering a story about a filmmaker who has had to CHANGE their narrative, FORCED to edit their own work, about a ChoMo who deserves nothing but our ire and scorn for as long as he avoids coming back into the U.S.A. to serve his time for doing a crime.

    The guy is a Class A scourge on society and, again, anyone who wants to defend this weasel’s work as somehow redemptive or that you should just put all this aside as you look at his films in recent years are just delusional. If this guy dabbled in the plumbing arts or was a high school science teacher this conversation would have a much stronger tenor, people would be out for his head, and I’m nothing but positive about the response I would get from the prison population if asked the question: Would you turn a blind eye to a man who’s been convicted of unlawful intercourse with a minor and fled the country before he faced his sentence because he’s able to put a picture on a big screen?

    I’m sure I know the answer to that question.

    RELIGULOUS (2008)

    Director: Larry Charles
    Cast: Bill Maher
    Release:
    October 3, 2008
    Synopsis: RELIGULOUS follows Bill Maher as he travels around the globe interviewing people about God and religion. Known for his astute analytical skills, irreverent wit and commitment to never pulling a punch, Maher brings his characteristic honesty to an unusual spiritual journey.

    View Trailer:
    * Large (QuickTime)

    Prognosis: Negative. If you need a good laugh, and I know a lot of us do, just do yourself a juvenile favor and punch in “preacher” on YouTube’s front page. Even go for a “preacher” and “curse” combo. This is the kind of thing that can start holy wars. As for finding out that televangelist Robert Tilton has filed a removal request to YouTube for all the farting videos? That’s enough for me to think the Lord needs to smite that man for a few different reasons.

    As for this trailer? Well, it’s got no bite. (It doesn’t help Maher is incessantly smarmy to boot…)

    I don’t know really what to make of this trailer at the beginning. I think it wants you to smack both of your hands to your head with a big ol’ “o” face to go along with it but it seems like it’s trying way too hard to be provocative, to attract some kind of attention or response. To wit: Maher’s confessionary beginning, I think, is supposed to be thrilling in a way. “Forgive me father”¦it’s been 40 years since my last confession.” Ok, I can give him that it’s a little interesting for him to say but to lead off a documentary on religion? The one thing that just lets me know this trailer starts on a couple of missteps is the first man-on-the-street interview where Maher lets some woman know he’s doing a documentary on religion. The woman’s strained “Oh boy” is a sublime message, like some child looking for attention, “Look at how controversial we’re gonna be! Even these common folk are scared! Whoo-hoo!”

    The second scene in this series where Maher is talking to some Jesus look-alike about the logical fallacy in God not already doing away with the devil if he’s so powerful and hey-soos just retorting back that he will, eventually.

    This trailer seems like a serious dissertation and examination on religion and more like a wonky laugh fest at the expense of others. Yes, it absolutely will be more than this but this is not how you’re selling me on the idea that the film is some kind of hot potato. So far, it feels like a segment on Jay Leno.

    Showing George W. Bush talking about how his foreign policy directives are based on his own flying spaghetti monster’s ideals that people everywhere need to be free isn’t as damning or effective as I think they think it is. Further, the short interview where Maher is talking to a US senator about how some religious public servants want to color their decisions based on their beliefs has about as much bite as a grandmother without her dentures.

    And, what I really take issue with is some lazy trailer makers who think that popping in “Crazy” as a musical bed is appropriate. It’s one of those obvious songs you would expect some 1st year podcaster to put in their show as they discuss mental illness; it’s just requires no creativity.

    The one moment I wish led off the trailer is some bumpkin who tells Maher, and who know what’s being discussed, that anyone who wants to start disputing his God has a problem. The moments that come next are riveting because this is what should be at the heart of the documentary; the ways in which, ironically, people have killed one another in the name of their deity just puts everything front and center. Not the laugh, laugh, ha, ha bullshit.

    The appearance of Robert Tilton, though, was a smooth move.

    And, just as I think this movie has something to quip about, Maher comes back and interviews some gay Muslims and it’s painful for him to try and turn that into a joke. This whole trailer is filled with bad jokes and instead of being emboldened that this is a film that will challenge ideas it just seems to move along, whimpering.


    CHOKE (2008)

    Director: Clark Gregg
    Cast: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Brad William Henke and Kelly Macdonald
    Release:
    August 26, 2008
    Synopsis: Victor Mancini (Rockwell), a sex-addicted med-school dropout, who keeps his increasingly deranged mother, Ida (Huston), in an expensive private medical hospital by working days as a historical reenactor at a Colonial Williamsburg theme park. At night Victor runs a scam by deliberately choking in upscale restaurants to form parasitic relationships with the wealthy patrons who “save” him. When, in a rare lucid movement, Ida reveals that she has withheld the shocking truth of his father’s identity, Victor enlists the aid of his best friend, Denny (Henke) and his mother’s beautiful attending physician, Dr. Paige Marshall (Macdonald), to solve the mystery before the truth of his possibly divine parentage is lost forever.

    View Trailer:
    * Large (QuickTime)

    Prognosis: Positive. I like being able to find new musical tracks to put on my iPod.

    The opening beats for Chuck Palahniuk’s latest novel turned film adaptation are good enough to download and they’re perfectly selected in trying to provide a sense of the material on the screen. How else do you try and set up a film where sex addiction and a knack for swindling the rich for a meal? You begin in a strip club.

    In a land ruled by man-whores like Matthew McConaughey and your Shia LaBeouf teen idols, Sam Rockwell is that kind of actor where you know you’re getting something special. There’s a certain charm that isn’t pasted over with debonair good looks or a pearl white smile; he has the kind of tractor beam quality usually reserved for serial killers in how they’re able to lure young women into their lairs.

    What’s remarkable in how things begin is that we’re just plopped right in the middle of Rockwell’s strip club experience and as he’s noticing the mole on a young dancers thigh. It’s so bizarre and amusing at the same time that wondering whether he’s really interested in disseminating actual information about melanoma is a bit moot.

    Insert a little Mile High Club moment, add in Rockwell’s thoughts on saints and sinners with a morally awkward shot of Jesus on the cross and then close in on Rockwell in some kind of self-help group with a pair of panties in his hand.

    Still, I haven’t a clue as to what the film is supposed to be about.

    The information about this coming from the writer of FIGHT CLUB and that this film was a Sundance pick is tastefully and done quite effectively; it’s unobtrusive and actually enhances the film’s pedigree. Then, the juicy parts come.

    We’re welcomed into Sam Rockwell’s career as a historical reenactor. The information is so quickly tossed out there that it almost gets lost in the other part of the story of how Rockwell is dealing with a mother who doesn’t know who he is at any given time; it’s amusing when he asks who his mother thinks he is that day.

    Strategically, the quotes from Entertainment Weekly, Slash Film help to contextualize the little bit of additional plot as Sam tries to bed the very doctor who is helping his mother. He’s obviously obsessed with his own carnal desires and the flashes of cut scenes don’t confuse as much as they tantalize. It’s bizarre and, as Rockwell takes a walker to a set of lockers, I’m dumbfounded as to what the hell is going on.

    “What would Jesus not do?”

    And, I have to give it up to the trailer makers here, as we near the end of this thing and we get that Sam is, and knows, he is messed up we get a follow-up from the stripper at the beginning of this thing which is just too good not to think was brilliantly done. The portrait of Rockwell as a devious and deceptive pathetic human being is couched in that devilish charm. This is a movie that needs to be seen and the trailer couldn’t have done it better.

    ###

  • Toy Box: Gentle Giant Tusken Raider Mini-Bust

    toybox.jpg

    Other licenses, like Iron Man, Indiana Jones and Batman might all be the rage right now, but Gentle Giant continues plugging along with their generally excellent Star Wars mini-busts. Not surprising since it’s the line that made the company, and remains one of their top sellers.

    The latest release is a Tusken Raider, done up in a way to allow you to pose him in not one but TWO ways! A mini-bust you can pose? Well, sort of. This guy is a ‘limited edition’ of course, but with 5000 of them produced, it stretches the definition of ‘limited’ a bit.

    If you have any questions or comments, feel free to drop me an email at mwc@mwctoys.com, or visit me at my site, Michael’s Review of the Week. Now let’s check out how they designed this two for one bust…

    “Gentle Giant Tusken Raider Mini-bust”

    Packaging – ***
    This is the usual box – if you’ve bought these before, you know what you’re getting. Occasionally they skip the window, but it’s here this time. That’s a plus if you’re buying this in person, since you can actually see what your coughing up your money to get.

    There’s also the nifty baseball card style Certificate of Authenticity, a standard with GG products for some time now.

    Sculpting – ***1/2
    As I played around with this bust, I was struck by a sense of ineffable mediocrity. It’s not that the technical sculpting is bad. In fact, it’s quite good, with some nice detailing and texturing in the burlaps and cloth areas of the sculpt. The texturing isn’t well above the expected level for this industry, but it’s thankfully better than the usual glass smooth Jedi robes that GG does. The head seems a smidge small, but it’s a minor issue, and the rest of the proportions seem good.

    But the visual impact isn’t there. There was nothing about the appearance that particularly excited me, or got the old blood flowin’. I’ve given it high marks in this category because of the technical quality, but I’m going to bang up on it harder once we get to the Design discussion.

    Paint – ***
    There’s nothing surprising or particularly exceptional about the paint work. It’s servicable, and there’s nothing obtusely wrong, like wildly incorrect colors or obvious slop. The sweat/dirt stains on the cloak aren’t really working for me though, and many of the smaller details seem rushed and heavy handed. The paint could have elevated the sculpt here, but instead it left me with that same feeling of boredom.

    Design – ***
    If I were grading this bust on either one of the two possible poses alone, he would have lost another half star. But first, let’s discuss that ‘two pose’ thing.

    There are actually multiple parts here, almost enough to have two full busts. There’s only one core torso on the base, but there are two heads, two sets of hands, and even two sets of arms! That means he can either be shooting his rifle, or he can be waving his weapon above his head triumphantly. All the pieces are held in place with very strong magnets, and the design of this ‘build a bust’ system is so good that it pulls up an otherwise mediocre bust.

    While the design and use of multiple parts is done quite well, the end result is less than exciting on the shelf. Your mileage may vary wildly here, because at this point we aren’t talking about technical facts, but rather the essence of art. While both poses are somewhat dynamic, they also both seem awkward to me. In particular, when the pieces are in place for the ‘waving the weapon over the head’ pose, something seems off about the body and head position, making him look really uncomfortable. And let’s face it, all those heavy cloth wrappings in the Tatooine desert is already enough to make him uncomfortable – he doesn’t need any help from GG.

    My only disappointment with the magnets/parts system is that you can’t do much mix and matching. The specific arms have to go with the specific hands, so he can’t hold his gun over his head for example. You can get the two heads to work with either arm/hand combo, but it doesn’t do much to improve the visual feel.

    Value – ***
    I’m giving them higher marks here, because although you’re almost getting two complete busts, you’re only paying the same usual $50 for the product. It also makes you ponder the cost of these things when you realize that usually for $50 you’re getting one bust, and no fancy magnet system. But this time for $50, you’re getting that fancy magnet system and almost enough parts to make TWO busts…you’re just missing an extra torso. Hmmm…

    Things to Watch Out For –
    My only caution is to be careful when swapping the parts. The magnets are very strong, which is good, but they can pull the pieces into place quickly. If you don’t have the edges of the shoulders or neck lined up just right, you could chip them when the parts get close to each other and snap tight.

    Overall – ***
    I really like the use of the magnets and the multiple body parts. Allowing you to pick one of two poses yourself is a nice touch, and since both looks are so iconic, it makes sense. I’m just less than visually thrilled with the final result, more on a level of artistic appreciation than basic technical quality. I can easily see where some folks would bump this up another half star, depending on their visceral reaction to the bust.

    Where to Buy –
    There’s plenty of fine online opportunities to spend your hard earned cash on these guys:

    Fireside Collectibles has a great price at just $42.50.

    Urban Collector has him at just $43.

    CornerStoreComics has him at $45, as does Amazing Toyz.

    – one of the best places to find anything and everything Star Wars is Andrew’s Toyz. He has him at $48.

    Things from Another World has him at $49.50

    Alter Ego Comics has him for $49.50.

    – for the UK readers, you can pick him up from Forbidden Planet for 38 GBP.

    Related Links –
    Other Star Wars mini-bust reviews include:

    – The pair of Jawas, Dengar and Zuckuss were the most recent.

    – Other Star Wars mini-busts I’ve covered include Chewbacca and Darth Maul, Jedi Luke, Qui-Gon Jinn, Palpatine and Skiff Lando.

  • TV Or Not TV: 6/9 – 6/15

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    Another abysmal week (or should I say weak) is upon us as the summer doldrums kick in. The good news is we only have one more week to endure before the premiere of Weeds and Secret Diary of a Call Girl.

    When it comes to Weeds I have to admit that I never gave this show a fair shot in the beginning. I had burned several times before with series that were run on Showtime (Odyssey 5 and Jeremiah to name a few) and I viewed Weeds as the network just trying to be HBO. I now know that I was completely wrong and this quirky little 22 minute show had a ton of potential and exceeded my expectations over the first three seasons.

    If you were witness to the end of the third season than you know that Nancy Botwin (Mary-Louise Parker) is on the run with her family in tow as the DEA came looking for her after a rented grow house was found as the suburb she was dealing to is engulfed in a wild fire. All of her friends that were involved in the growing operation were either high tailing it out of there or are probably on the radar of the DEA as well. So where will find ourselves in the beginning of Season 4, and how will this show evolve? I’ve very excited to see the answers to those questions.

    That being said it is time to look into that dark, dank hole I like to call this week’s television offerings.

    MONDAY

    CBS – 8:00 PM: Viacom is re-treading their TBS original The Bill Engvall show for prime time. So, CBS, you think the show is ready for prime time? Here’s your sign.

    SCI-FI – 8:00 PM & 10:00 PM: Normally I wouldn’t retread Star Trek: The Next Generation, however tonight they are showing two of the more interesting episodes that happened in the early stages of the series. In The Measure of a Man Picard has to prove that Data is a sentient being and not just a cyborg. In Q-Who? we get our first glimpse at one of the big bads of the run of the series: The Borg.

    HBO – 9:00 PM: In Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired filmmaker Marina Zenovich takes a loot at all the other bad things that happened in the statutory rape case of the critically acclaimed (and since publicly despised) director.

    SHO – 9:00 PM: Showtime is airing the best of Season 3 of Weeds to get us ready for next week’s premier. Watch to either get refreshed or to get a feel for this awesome show before next week’s season premiere.

    TUESDAY

    TMC – 8:00 PM: Because of my fondness for the original serial novelization I enjoy The Green Mile every time it is on. The acting by Michael Clarke Duncan as the simpleton John Coffey was just outstanding and the film was directed by Frank Darabont who also brought us the incredible The Shawshank Redemption. Tom Hanks also turns in a great performance, truly making me believe he has a bladder infection.

    FOX – 8:00 PM: More people trade friends and loved ones for the hopes of big money on The Moment of Truth.

    ABC – 9:30 PM: We’re treated again this week to another almost prime time 30 minute edition of Jimmy Kimmel Live.

    WEDNESDAY

    ABC – 8:00 PM: Tonight on Wife Swipe the strict mom treats their kids like they are in boot camp, the flaky mom performs as a clown.

    NBC – 9:00 PM: After seeing the line up of Celebrity Circus I think that one part of the name is a bit of a stretch. This show features a very VH-1 reality show line up with Antonio Sabato Jr., Blu Cantrell, Christopher “Bobby Brady” Knight, Olympian Janet Evans, Jason “Wee Man” Acuna, and former supermodel Rachel Hunter. My money is on Wee Man.

    HIST – 9:00 PM: Tonight paranormal investigators try to find spooks in the Lizzy Borden house. Should be a real cut up. (I can’t believe I just typed that.)

    THURSDAY

    FX – 8:00 PM: If you look at it on paper Anger Management should have been really funny. Adam Sandler going head-to-head with Jack Nicholson. The execution, however, wasn’t as good as it read.

    USA – 8:30 PM: Take in the original before it’s magic was marred by the recent sequel with tonights airing of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

    BRAVO – 9:00 PM: It’s the return of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. This is one of the few reality shows that gives the genre a good name.

    TBS – 9:30 PM: If you watched last season of My Boys then tonight you get to find out which of the guys on the show P.J. took to Rome. If you didn’t watch last season, um… here’s something new to watch!

    ABC – 9:30 PM: Liv Tyler appears on tonights post-NBA almost prime time 30 minute edition of Jimmy Kimmel Live.

    FRIDAY

    A&E – 2:00 PM: If you didn’t watch The Andromeda Strain when it premiered (and you don’t want to buy the DVD) you can now watch both parts in one long sitting.

    BRAVO – 8:00 PM: Beverly Hills Cop and Beverly Hills Cop 2 back-to-back. See Brigette Neilsen before she looked like my grandfather, Judge Reinhold before he was regulated to the Disney Santa Clause movies and, of course, Eddie Murphy before he required prosthetic makeup to star in a movie.

    TVLAND – 8:00 PM: They just don’t make comedies like Blazing Saddles any more. This film is from a time where political correctness didn’t exist, but it’s OK as it mocks the very stereotypes it represents. I know I’ve pointed out when this was on before but last time it wasn’t immediately followed by…

    TVLAND – 10:00 PM: Young Frankenstein was the first Mel Brooks film that I ever saw. I know that at the very young age I saw it the sexual comedy wasn’t apparent, but I’ll forever remember that it’s not Frankenstein, it’s (phonetically) Frahnkenshteen.

    SATURDAY

    COMEDY CENTRAL – 3:00 PM: Mike Myers tries desperately to some how get us interested in The Love Guru by hosting the breaks in today’s showing of Wayne’s World. Like Eddie Murphy this was when Mike Myers only needed the fake wig to get laughs.

    ABC – 8:00 PM: More Saturday Night movie enjoyment comes our way with the airing of Monsters, Inc. I’ve never been happier with the Disney/PIXAR merger than having these great movies on ABC for everyone to enjoy.

    FX – 8:00 PM: The Transporter and The Transporter 2 are back-to-back to put us into Jason Statham overload.

    CBS – 9:00 PM: Guys, if you want to try to get on that special new ladies good side invite her over for a nice home cooked dinner and put on The Notebook. I can’t give you advice on how to sit through it, but this one will help you score points in the “sensitive” department.

    HBO – 10:00 PM: The other half of the Wayne’s World duo brings us his first stand-up special since 1995 with Dana Carvey: Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies.

    SUNDAY

    CBS – 8:00 PM: The 62nd Annual Tony Awards is on tonight, and hosted by Whoopi Goldberg. If you have no interest in this however than you might prefer…

    HIST – 8:00 PM: Two solid hours of Ice Road Truckers.

    NBC – 9:00 PM: The desperation train continues chugging down the tracks when Mike Myers actually hosts SNL: The Best of Mike Myers. The nice part is you can watch him when he was actually funny again, and he’s taped some bits with the current cast. The bad part is he’ll still ask you to watch The Love Guru.

    Will Wilkins, in case you didn’t notice, has no interest in seeing The Love Guru (yet typed the name three times).

  • Comics & Comics: All About THE WACKNESS

    COMics & Comics 31208- lOGO

    Howdy Inter-Webbers. I’m Matt Cohen, and I dig THE WACKNESS.

    Ah, the summer of 94. I was a precocious ten years old, living in suburban Long Island and making that all too important transition from elementary school to middle school. In a lot of ways, that is the summer I became a teen. I got my first CD (Dr. Dre’s THE CHRONIC), had my first dalliance with the opposite sex; It was a formative time for me. Of course, if a film were to be made about my “coming of age” it would be at around seventeen or so, but that would be in 2001 and that was like seven years ago; too soon for nostalgia. And though 1994 was a big year for me, I cannot tell my story set against its backdrop. Luckily, writer director Jonathan Levine can. Levine graduated high school in that fateful summer and fortunately for us, he has decided to tell his tale (or a lot of it) in a fresh, smart and extremely funny new film, THE WACKNESS.

    Set in the three summer months of 1994, in the hot and familiar (to myself) streets in New York City, THE WACKNESS is the story of 16 year old Luke Shapiro (TV’s Josh Peck), a pot dealer and social misfit who strives to be popular and get the girl but winds up spending most of his time with a drug addicted psychologist played by Oscar winner Sir. Ben Kingsley. Though Lucas isn’t necessarily picked on, he is far from popular in school, most kids only associating with him due to his profession. Aptly put by the teen himself “I’m the most popular unpopular kid in school”. Couple all this popularity induced insecurity with a raging unfulfilled sex drive and a family life quickly collapsing around him, and you’ve got one pretty messed up kid. I say messed up not in the sense that anything is wrong with him, rather like most teens, Luke’s life is a seemingly random series of catastrophes and set backs, all of which he thinks he is helpless to avoid. His one friend, the madcap and clinically depressed Dr. Squires is almost In the same boat as Luke. Squire’s in a loveless and often tumultuous marriage, he is depressed and unsatisfied at work and he trades therapy sessions with sixteen year olds for marijuana. Class act. To make things even worse, the city they love and call their own is quickly morphing into a homogenized theme park of a town, thanks to Mayor Rudolph Guliani. Luke graduates high school unceremoniously and the summer seems to be shaping up to be just as miserable as all the others. Add in the fact that Luke’s parents fight all the time (and for good reason, Luke’s father loses his job and the family is in danger of being evicted). Stephanie, the girl he likes, who happens to be Dr. Squire’s stepdaughter (played excellently by relative newcomer Olivia Thirlby) is either unaware or unresponsive to Luke’s desires – rather, she seems to like Luke as a friend. Life couldn’t be worse for young Luke Shapiro.

    And then one day, his various worlds seem to collide. With most of the school class out of the country on a trip (to which Luke was not invited), Stephanie and Luke spend a chance day together, selling pot in the parks of the Upper West Side. Sparks fly, obviously on Luke’s part and surprisingly on Stephanie’s, and Luke – for the first time in a long time – has a reason for life. As this affair is blossoming, Luke and Dr. Squires attempt to reinvigorate each other’s lives in other, more spiritual (yeah right) pursuits. What follows is one of the truest and funniest coming of age films I have seen in a long time.

    “I’m pretty sure thats not ices in there…”

    I don’t want to spoil things, as this is a film I feel people should really go out of their way to try and see. So as to not go into much more plot, I like to break my feelings about the film into a list style type deal. Y’all with me? All right, then let’s roll out.

    THE PLOT: This movie may not affect everyone as it did me, or ring as true to people’s lives and memories as it did mine, but one can’t help feel a twang of happiness, regardless of age or background, at the pure saturation of the year 1994 in this film. The movie breathes that summer. The music, the sights around NYC, the language; this film is in many ways a time capsule of 1994, a seminal time in my own life and a generation of fellow film fans. Though the actual story is nothing groundbreaking, it is so real that it is hard to not be instantly drawn into it. Anyone will relate with a moment in this film, if not many of them. In its own way, this is a film to remind people of who they were, where they’ve come from and what they’ve learnt along the way. Yes, it runs a tad too long at 110 minutes and yes, some of the dialogue will not be accessible to those not familiar with the time period (I, on the other hand used to really talk like this) and yes, it does have the now infamous Ben Kingsley/Mary Kate Olsen make out session, but I really think THE WACKNESS is a standout piece, and one of the most realistic and funny independent films I have seen in a while.

    THE VISUALS: This movie is gorgeous”¦ And I don’t say that lightly. Cinematographer Petra Korner has created a palate for her first feature film that is both gritty and luscious at the same time. The streets of New York City are represented in their full, real life splendor. Nothing is cleaned up here for our sake. This is New York as seen through the haze of memories gone – things are a bit distorted, sometimes washed out, always dreamlike and always true to the city that I love. With a flair for the creative and sometimes shocking, Petra manages to remind the viewer of Darren Arronosfky’s masterpiece REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, and that is one of the highest honors I can bestow upon someone.

    THE ACTING: Possibly the strongest suit this film has going for it. In particular, Josh Peck turns in a true star making performance in the lead role of Luke. For those unfamiliar, Peck can be seen as the costar of the wildly popular children’s television show JOSH AND DRAKE and a few years back stole the show in the fantastic indie film MEAN CREEK. In his first starring role, there was a real chance for a young actor to get lost amongst the high concepts of the piece and the more veteran cast, but Peck not only doesn’t falter, he is a breathe of fresh air. Not for one moment in the film did I feel like he was acting, rather Luke exists for the two hours he is on film. This is a real kid, or rather, we know a real kid very much like Luke. He is both a characterization and a accurate portrayal of a teenager lost to angst, and Josh Peck does an amazing job of keeping that element apparent and also prominent in every scene he inhabits. Truly a wonderful and memorable performance and what looks to be the start of a very promising career.

    Sir Kingsley is no slouch either as he paints a zany and compelling Dr. Squires for the audience. Yes, sometimes he can veer a bit into the lunacy scale, but for the character he is playing it seems to fit, if not add to the overall performance. It’s a high compliment to the man that I hardly recognized him in the film, and once the movie gets rolling I almost forgot that it was an actor playing the role – instead, it felt like Dr. Squires had agreed to play himself. It is definitely an unconventional character, and due to that Sir Ben’s portrayal may irk some viewers, or come off as a caricature, but this isn’t the “real” world as we know it – It’s Levine’s memories seen through the idealistic future of time. Things don’t have to be 100 percent “True” to make this universe exude reality.

    Olivia Thribly – who most of you will know as Juno’s best friend in, wait for it, JUNO -  plays Stephanie, the goal (and occasional destroyer) of Luke’s affections, and she does a surprisingly mature and adept job of the role. I say surprising, not because I doubt her talent, rather at such a young age I am always surprised and impressed when an actor or actress can bring such a sense of depth and realism to a role. I know girls like Stephanie. You know girls like Stephanie. It is a great credit to Thirbly that one doesn’t wind up despising her character, but instead empathize and almost appreciate her instead, due in the most part to a combination of Thirlby’s grounded and eerily real life performance, and her obvious beauty and charm. She plays a very functional role in the growth of Luke, and her almost preternatural understanding of that is what makes the character intriguing and somehow tragic, rather then mean.

    The rest of the cast is fleshed out with what is for the most part strong and mainly unknown (or at least unfamiliar) character actors. The few notable exceptions are Mary Kate Olsen playing a Phish tour dropout, Famke Janssen as Dr. Squire’s distant and troubled trophy wife and Method Man as Luke’s pot supplier, each of who turn in a solid if not unremarkable performance. Actually, Method Man was better then that, though only given a few scenes, I really enjoyed his whole Rasta character and thought it was nice to see him playing a role rather then himself, as he usually does.

    THE MUSIC: Other then the acting, this is what THE WACKNESS has going for it. Rap may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and if you are an adamant anti-rap person, the following statement will not apply to you, but this film has one of the best soundtracks in recent years. It may be because I bought my first CD in 94, or that my first exposure to music was the very artists and songs featured in the film. Or, it could be that this is just really great hip-hop at its truest root. I like to think it’s a combination of all three. 94 was a golden age for rap music, and all the heavy hitters of that summer are represented on the soundtrack, everyone from Tribe Called Quest and Wu-Tang to Nas and most prominently Biggie (who at this point had not even released his debut album READY TO DIE and was being circulated around the city on mix tapes). If you are 20 years old and above, this music should ring familiar to you even if you weren’t a fan of it originally. Levine, again, does a remarkable job of capturing a particular moment in time, and the music and feeling that went along with it.

    Overall. THE WACKNESS is a fresh, compelling and very real film that manages to faithfully capture an important time in my life, and for that reason alone I give it the highest praise. The fact that it is a well-executed and extremely well acted piece only adds to its lasting appeal. Check it out when it comes to a theater near you”¦.

    And be all about the dopeness.

    Sadly, our time is through friends and neighbors. Check back next week where we kick this puppy back into Comic Book mode with a look at Wednesday’s standout releases. Keep em’ fresh, keep em’ funky, and as always,

    “Keep em’ bagged and boarded”.

    Matt Cohen is fresher then fresh, yo.

  • Trailer Park: Sex

    By Christopher Stipp

    The Archives, Right Here

    I’m awesome. I wrote a book. It’s got little to do with movies. Download and read “Thank You, Goodnight” right HERE for free.

    Who could have seen what hell SEX AND THE CITY hath wrought?
    No one and you would have been a fool and a liar if you had any presuppositions of its strength at the box office this past weekend.

    What I find odd, more than the final tally, is its 85% female tracking of who was going to see the film. Of course it’s a classic chick flick in ways that the ladies, and the gay men who love them, showed they were ready to shower with dollars upon dollars. This cultural touchstone for many packs of rabid frauleines really took some people by surprise.

    Unfortunately, I wasn’t one of them.

    The only reason why I was tipped off like a concerned parent who can smell a pedo in a crowd was that my wife (sorry ladies, I know it’s hard to take…) became Tom Cruise batshit crazy to see this movie. She needed to see this thing the very first night it came out. I will tell you this about my woman: She NEVER wants to see ANY movie the day it comes out. She simply refuses to even entertain the idea. In fact, the Friday nights that SPIDER-MAN 2 and 3 came out I was assured I would be going all alone. What’s odd, and really shocking to me, is that she was asked to see the film at 10:30 on last Friday.

    The reason I bring up the specific time is that, depending on the height of the moon in the sky, she can’t stay awake to see anything. I was convinced, absolutely convinced, she was going to end up sleeping through the movie. I was sure she was going to tell me that she wasted a Friday evening premium ticket price on a nice nap. Such wasn’t the case as she came springing home around 1 in the morning to say it was worth all the hype, all the marketing and all the hubbub she has been saturated with for weeks. I couldn’t complain with such a glowing reception and I thought it curious when she went to see it a second (!) time no more than a day and a half later with plans to see it again this weekend.

    The grosses of this movie, oddly, didn’t shock me based on what the wife thought after she saw it. For all the things that IRON MAN did for me as a giddy comic book geek, I understood perfectly how she felt about the SEX AND THE CITY film. It would be abhorrent if I went on a written tear about how on earth this film about some sex crazed yentas just gum flappin’ for 2 and 1/2 hours because she should shine that same sense of perception about my indulgence in flicks where men get wrapped up in tin.

    It’s nice that the ladies have a movie they can call their own and nicely trounced the INDIANA JONES-lite installment by a good percentage on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and, as of this writing, Tuesday as well. The legs that JONES is supposed to have seems built for a midget if these box office figures are any indication and, since everything is made to be horse race, it seems Sarah Jessica Parker’s face was just horsey enough to beat the whipped-one by a nose.

    Sometimes, these articles just write themselves. And, just to get the taste of girl sweat off of me, enjoy the following picture of Phoenix as made real by some random woman dressed as the red-haired harbinger of doom:

    Ahh…Much better…

    CITY OF EMBER (2008)

    Director: Gil Kenan
    Cast: Bill Murray, Tim Robbins, Saoirse Ronan, Martin Landau
    Release:
    October 10, 2008
    Synopsis: For generations, the people of the City of Ember have flourished in an amazing world of glittering lights. But Ember’s once powerful generator is failing . . . and the great lamps that illuminate the city are starting to flicker. Now, two teenagers in a race against time, must search Ember for clues that will unlock the ancient mystery of the city’s existence, and help the citizens escape before the lights go out forever.

    View Trailer:
    * Large (QuickTime)

    Prognosis: Negative. Gil, I have no clue what this movie is about.

    I mean, I tried watching the trailer. I did. I watched it twice even. However, one of the things that I don’t get is that this seems to be DEMOLITION MAN 2: THE MOLE PEOPLE. You’ve got people living under the ground on what looks like a soundstage that is supposed to look like people are living under ground. Secondly, the concept is a arbitrarily goofy.

    One of the first things that we read, big ups to you for not using a voice over, is that in order to save the human race an underground lair (commonly known as a nerd’s basement in their parents’ house) was built but that’s not really the goofy idea. You say that it was only supposed to last only 200 years. I guess I’m really stuck on the “only” part of that 200 years. Why only 200 years? What about 201 years? Would that be too long? What about 199 years? Would that be too soon for people to come out of? And why are they down there in the first place? And what the fuck is up with those dudes with flashlights running around at the beginning of the trailer? Is this a nuclear winter sort of thing?

    The point is here, for those paying attention, is that you do not start a trailer by having to make me, the viewer, guess the back story. Obviously you have one and I am sure you’ll fill me in but you making me work, dude, and I don’t like that when it comes to my trailers.

    After you’ve basically spun me around like those “˜tards you see in between quarters at basketball games who have to spin their foreheads on bats then try to dizzily shoot some hoops much to the delight of everyone in the audience I am trying to piece together the narrative once you tell me this place exists. OK, so you have a briefcase that was counting down 200 years until it went to zero, I think I follow you this far, it opened up, I know that, but some girl thinks it might be Armageddon and you have this treasure map looking thing which is in tatters. Oh, someone drags their hands in some water like in TRON; I loved that movie. They drink water like it’s energy and I’ve never forgotten that whenever I’m really thirsty and I chug a nice tall glass of agua.

    So, you have some idiot girl having access to this really important thing, you have Bill Murray looking like this is going to pay for his beach house in the Hamptons, he doesn’t even say anything, then you have these kids, a la Scooby Doo, trying to fix/run away from a busted generator.

    Gil, what is up with this movie, man? Is this is a kids film, an adventure yarn, some kind of flick where it’s all about finding replacement parts for this machine? See, again, this isn’t a good thing. Confusing me is easy, but I can guarantee a lot of other people who are smarter than I would have the same concerns here.

    I will say that I hear the word escape being used a lot by some kids. Now, I don’t want to be some rain on your parade but is it just these kids who are trying to escape or are you going to doom all the other adults in this who have no clue what these whipper snappers are up to? One of the logical conclusions I have about the film is that if these kids escape the city of Ember, who is going to take care of them once they get to the outside and, if this city is doomed, then am I to believe that there is going to be wholesale death and destruction for everyone else? That doesn’t sound like much fun, Gil.

    And, much like WAR OF THE WORLDS, I am a bit concerned over the human brake system, Tim Robbins. I like the guy but did you see WAR OF THE WORLDS? I mean, the movie was cruising down the filmic freeway doing 55 and then all of a sudden, THUD, my face was in the windshield. I hope what I see here isn’t really representational because I’m more than a little concerned by the lameness of how he’s used here.

    BURN AFTER READING (2008)

    Director: Joel and Ethan Coen
    Cast: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton
    Release:
    September 12, 2008
    Synopsis: A dark spy-comedy from Academy Award winners Joel and Ethan Coen. An ousted CIA official’s (Academy Award nominee John Malkovich) memoir accidentally falls into the hands of two unwise gym employees intent on exploiting their find.

    View Trailer:
    * Medium (YouTube)

    Prognosis: Positive. If push came to shove, I would assert that some lexicographers would state “shit” is a bon mot that is on par with “fuck” as a word which, when properly used, accentuates clever witticisms; a lot would depend, I would think, on execution.

    Lots of the time, most of the time actually, these words are just background noise in an otherwise common parlance we all partake in when we banter back and forth with other people. Now, when Brad Pitt uses a word like “shit” in a sentence written by the Coens it takes on a whole new level of hilarity.

    I love this trailer because of Brad Pitt’s use of “shit.”

    Now, it’s not the only thing I dig about this preview because, frankly, it knows how to work; whoever cut this thing to make it red band has obviously been reading this column and has said to themselves, “I wonder what Chris thinks about people who abuse the power of the Red Band.” And, for those late to the game, I abhor senseless swearing as a means to achieve Red Band status, even though I will personally delight in shots of ladies in their undergoods, this is also a shameless attempt to try and convince people you are “teh” awesome and that you’re really hardcore. That said, this trailer delicately chooses its moments in order to achieve its Red Band designation.

    Right from go, I like the setup. No voiceover, no cards, no context, nothing. The story is engaging enough that when you first see Brad wiggling a CD wrapped in a Day-Glo case in his fingers the back and forth between everyone in the room is not nearly Mamet quality but it’s funny. His first use of the word “shit” worries me that we’ve got some abuse of the Red Band designation; it almost feels ostentatious and exploitative.

    Now, as we get further into this, Brad (who’s a – definitely looking older with the advent of HD and b – absolutely deserving of some respect with his oeuvre, easily balancing Malibu Beach House Payment quality work with things like this) and his lady hatching a plan to blackmail the author of these very high level memoirs is brilliant. It seems like the only way, you would think, to get Ma and Pa Middle America on board with this movie would be to help them out with a voiceover and some cards to explain things but the Coen’s marketing strategy here works as Pitt unleashes his second “shit” to excellent effect and tosses out a “dickwad” moments later for an encore. In fact, the totality of these events is nothing less than hilarious. Feel free to disagree but you’d be wrong if you did. Malkovich, as usual, is rock solid as the agent in question who fights, literally, to get the CD back. McDormand, as well, shines as she should.

    Now, after we get past the initial blackmail situation we do enter some sticky territory. The narrative begins to confuse slightly so this obviously means a deduction of some points from the East German judge. If you go back and forth and listen real hard you probably could get what is going on, I think Clooney is schtupping Malkovich’s wife and Clooney, Goddamn his charisma, brilliantly pulls off a “back door” pun to great comedic effect, but after that there is a whole lot going on that is really confusing. Even the cut scenes manage to just befuddle even me in deciphering what in the hell is going on.

    At one point I am glad J.K. Simmons, as the head of some clandestine government organization, steps in to tell Sledge Hammer himself (I loved, loved, loved that show), David Rasche, to report back as soon as this all makes sense. Exactly my point!

    ###

    Worth Reviving

    While talking to a fellow film fan/addict, at least a generation behind me, I discovered that as much as they loved the medium, they sorely lacked the experience of witnessing the films that blew my mind and opened a whole new doorway for the remarkable talents of today. An amusing anecdote; having mentioned, “Electra Glide in Blue” its amazing dramatic opening, its bent on the “Easy Rider” mythos and extolling Robert Blake’s performance, my friend interrupted me. “Robert Blake the killer?” bemused the young fiend, had no idea of the depth and range of Mr. Blake’s performances in such masterpieces as, “In Cold Blood” and “Electra Glide”¦”

    That’s when it dawned on me. At least two generations have been nurtured on a stream of processed junk food celluloid that has been siphoned through an unstable era of video and dvd half-baked rental chains that have only been interested in bottom dollar cinema. Blockbuster and Hollywood Video lead the way of the demise of the revival houses. Homes to long lost forgotten movies that sometimes developed cult followings due to their obscure vision that set off minds like that of the two Davids (no ““ not the mutts from American Idol) ““ Lynch and Cronenberg. There was also the appreciation for storytelling inspiring the works of P.T. Anderson and the Coen brothers. Sometimes just downright exploitive fun tickled the guilty pleasures of Tarantino and Rodriguez spurring their imaginations. Add the chance to get reacquainted with classics such as Night of the Hunter and To Kill a Mockingbird and have one realize how good movies use to be.

    Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a film snob. I got over my film school pretentiousness years ago. I loved Sin City, 300, and Knocked Up. I just find that there is a plethora of entertainment out there that has been virtually untapped by many and with just a little guidance I may be able to lead some of you to the Ark of the Covenant of celluloid. Originally, I had suggested to Chris naming this section “Worth Revisiting” but it made more sense calling it “Worth Reviving” with a nod to that lost realm of movie houses.

    Now the sad part, what I’ll suggest to you dear reader will be hard to find in the GRCs (generic rental chains). Ask your local Blockbuster/Hollywood employee if they have an obscure title and they’ll either deliver the usual glazed look or robotically attend to their computer to check the inventory of the bland and mundane ““ more than likely telling you it’s unavailable or only to be had as a purchase at a ridiculous sum. Not true ““ buyer beware! Netflix has one of the most extensive libraries I have seen. I do not work for them nor am I a member. This is merely a fact that I must hail to whoever is behind them. They don’t have it all, but they have damn near 90% of it!

    Now the decision of what I should use to premier this piece with. That’s easy since I just turned my film-loving 19-year-old nephew on to one of the greatest mind-altering films of the “˜70’s, Alejandro Jodorowsky’s, “El Topo”. My nephew not only ate it up, but also insisted on seeing everything else this genius had created.

    El Topo launched the popularity of cult films, midnight movies and a surge in revival house attendance. This is very apropos since David Lynch (Blue Velvet, Mulholland Dr.) has just announced that he will be producing Jodorowsky’s next film. Lovers of the weird, unusual and taboo may wait with baited breath ““ your mind is about to explode and the remnants will need to be cleaned with a high powered wet/dry vac.

    Even when Jodorowsky attempts a mainstream storyline (i.e. Santa Sangre), he pushes the envelope and freaks us out. The only one that comes close to his universe is Lynch himself and that’s downright scary. I have now seen all of his films and ready to be placed into an asylum. Seriously, I could not see any sane person sitting through an entire Jodorowsky festival ““ too hard for the mind and the stomach to digest. I suggest taking him in small doses ““ a viewing here and there ““ perhaps one month intervals. My 19-year-old daughter is a movie fanaddict and I have not been able to muster the courage to introduce her to his brand of metaphysical nightmare cinematic upheaval, but I have promised her a viewing of his socially dysfunctional horror story Santa Sangre during her next visit. So, without further ado”¦

    El Topo

    Unfortunately, my first viewing of this masterpiece of madness was not at a revival house. It was a legend that eluded me for years till a good friend in the late’80’s lent me a bootleg copy on VHS. Poor sound, graininess and a 25″ RCA TV could not dampen the power of this man’s vision. I found myself rewinding back to scenes verifying what I was witnessing. I had not been this confused and mesmerized since my first viewing of 2001: a space odyssey. Not that they’re in the same genre, but possibly the same existential level, making one think and contemplate on what they are experiencing. That is probably the best way to describe this metaphysical western that has a cosmic mystic/master gunfighter face down four, just as unusual, rivals in order for him to reach self-enlightenment and a surreal resurrection. Confused yet?

    You do not have to be a big western fan to appreciate this film. It goes beyond any kind of normal storytelling as the director/writer and star (Jodorowsky, himself) leads us onto a journey across vast deserts, encounters with bizarre characters portrayed by an array of deformed actors (dwarves, armless gunfighters), and what IMDB christens the “Definitive Cult Spaghetti Western.” Sounds too whacked out? Yes, this is one that could disturb and elicit all sorts of negative thoughts. But it could also have you realize how boring many films have been in the last ten years. This is a film you will be compelled to talk about once you have sat through an entire viewing. Okay, it is not for everyone, like my wife who prefers the Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz Lite affairs.

    At one time, I made the mistake of believing that film was transcendental. I thought a good film could be appreciated by all ages (as long as it was age appropriate). I learned at an early age that I was wrong ““ the hard way ““ when I took my grandparents to see Taxi Diver. The film eluded them. The movie and their grandson who insisted they see it repulsed them. Later, they urged me to seek therapy. The only therapy I needed was accepting that certain people could not see beyond the violence or dread of a brilliant piece of work.

    Sorry to digress. El Topo means, “The Mole” and he is the lead gunfighter who travels with his young son and happens upon the massacre of a town. He saves a young woman and leaves his son in care of some monks. El Topo then joins the women on a mission to kill all four outrageously designed villains. He is then left alone, wounded in the desert and later taken away, semi-unconscious, by a mysterious sect of deformed people that hide him away in a secluded cavern. Years later he awakes and joins a dwarf woman who introduces him to a small town that is home to a weird religious cult and run by a ruthless sheriff. El Topo eventually builds a tunnel to help the cave dwellers escape.

    To make things even weirder ““ ET’s son is now grown and is a monk in the town. Once the tunnel is completed, the story is brought to a violent and bloody crescendo. Poetic, surreal and original are just a few words describing the journey Jodorowsky takes us on. Please remember this is before the advent of CGI or any of the other preferred effects work that appears today. In fact, the blood and violence does not place the story in the backseat as so many others have. Instead, it is blended well and sits on a precipitous of madness that challenges the viewer and makes one think in a non-linear way. This is an experience well worth the visit if you can find it. Netflix does have it available, and for those more daring ““ it is available through Anchor Bay by way of a four-disc set, including Jodorowsky’s long lost short film that was recently discovered in a German attic in 2006. Once again, a warning, this is not for everyone. In fact, my grandparents are probably turning over in their graves, and if Jodorowsky was aware of it, he’d probably film that too.

  • TV Or Not TV: 6/2 – 6/8

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    This week is the one week that I was looking least forward to writing about. Why? Because there is almost nothing new on (that’s truly worth watching in my opinion).

    Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty to look forward to this summer. Those with Showtime will be looking forward to the Monday double header of Weeds and Secret Diary of a Call Girl on June 16. Those that are fond of the USA Network shows are going to be given plenty to watch in July with the returns of Burn Notice, Monk, and Psych. There’s three nights of television you don’t even need to think about.

    All of this has no place in my brain right now because I’m too caught up trying to still take in last week’s season finale of LOST. The writers and producers gave us so plenty of tons of answers, tons of new questions, and nine months to toil over everything we were given. In true LOST fashion they threw us a twist with starting this episode off immediately AFTER where last season’s finale ended. They told us just why Jack would be hopping on planes hoping to crash on the Island again instead of just going back there. They let us see just why Ben was in the desert in a parka with no footsteps around him. We got to see how the Oceanic 6 got off the Island and why they didn’t bring anyone else with them. We even saw just who was in the coffin from last season. This writer was even tickled at how last season we were shocked at the news of “Not Penny’s Boat” and in this finale we received the exact opposite.

    There is so much more I could go into but we’ve got three quarters of a year until next season so instead I’ll just say, “Wow.”

    Because we are now in week 1 of our post-regular season of television here now is my best attempt to dress up skirt steak like it is filet mignon.

    MONDAY

    SCIFI ““ 7:00 PM: Tonight the you can now find Star Trek: The Next Generation on the Sci-Fi channel. When they got the rights to this they also got the rights to Ghost Whisperer and Mork & Mindy. Really looking forward to the seeing the latter again.

    ABC – 8:00 PM: Do we really need two hours of a bunch of guys pursuing one woman? ABC thinks so with two hours of The Bachelorette.

    BRAVO ““ 9:00 PM: It’s a three hour marathon of D-List Diva Kathy Griffin‘s celebrity bridge burning stand up.

    ABC – 10:00 PM: It has been a few years since we haven’t seen a regular (meaning non-Celebrity) season of The Mole. The show is fun to watch and dissect as you try to figure out which of the 12 contestants is working in cahoots with the show itself to try to sabotage the other contestants.

    TUESDAY

    VH1 ““ 11:00 AM: It’s the chronicles of how Trista met Ryan as VH1 brings us a 12 hour marathon of The Bachelorette and Trista and Ryan’s Wedding. The fact that I just wrote about this is proof positive of how desperate I am to have something to actually type about.

    MTV – 7:00 PM: If you missed the premier last night you can catch the reality show that searches for the new Elle Woods for the musical Legally Blonde.

    SHO – 8:00 PM: I seem to be in the minority but I really liked Mission:Impossible 3.

    FX ““ 10:00 PM: After three years the third season of 30 Days is finally here with Morgan Spurlock trading his McDiet for thirty days as a West Virginia coal miner.

    WEDNESDAY

    AMC – 8:00 PM: Watch Escape from New York. If you do you’ll be the Duke, a number one.

    FOOD – 9:00 PM: I love the cake editions of the Food Network Challenge. Tonight the supreme cake makers must make Pixar character inspired cakes. The tension that they create for a bunch of bakers making cakes is simply amazing to watch.

    THURSDAY

    AMC – 8:00 PM: Critically acclaimed and very adored are the terms that come to mind when I think of The Princess Bride (as well as the desire for a nice M.L.T.)

    NGC – 9:00 PM: If you have the National Geographic Chanel than you might enjoy Stonehenge Decoded.

    NBC ““ 10:00 PM: The new anthology series Fear Itself is picking up where syndicated shows like Tales from the Dark Side left off in the late eighties. Unlike the latter this new show has experience writers and directors doing each stand alone show. Can they give you enough to not sleep in 46 minutes? Tune in and see.

    FRIDAY

    CBS – 8:00 PM: Two hours of Ghost Whisperer are on CBS tonight. Guess the network is taking that TV Guide Sexiest Woman on TV thing pretty seriously.

    HBO – 9:00 PM: The guys that brought us Spaced and Shaun of the Dead turn their attention to the cop action film with Hot Fuzz.

    SATURDAY

    ABC – 8:00 PM: I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than to enjoy Finding Nemo. One of Pixar’s finest achievements.

    CBS – 8:00 PM: I can’t think of a worse way to spend a Saturday night than to try to watch a remake of Sybil.

    SUNDAY

    FX – 8:00 PM: Before the release of Iron Man I thought that X2: X-Men United was the best super hero movie to date.

    HIST ““ 8:00 PM: The new season of Ice Road Truckers premieres tonight. These guys make any road trip you’ve ever thought pushed you to the limit look more like a Sunday drive.

    DHC ““ 8:00 PM: Watch with shock and disbelief for 60 minutes of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

    ABC ““ 9:30 PM*: Jimmy Kimmel is doing a special 30 minute Jimmy Kimmel Live after game 2 of the NBA finals. I’ve always been fond of Kimmel, and anything that happens near prime time is a special treat. *Check Local Listings

    Will Wilkins models his life after Nicholas Angel.

  • Opinion In A Haystack: Don’t Be Saucy To Strangers

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    My old man raised me on a steady diet of classic comedy. He showed me the greats: Jackie Gleason, Carroll O’Connor, and Mel Brooks, and because of such, I will ever be thankful to him. However, that son of a bitch known as Time refused to stop passing and swept The Bunkers, The Kramdens, and The Nortons, away. It’s now no stretch of the imagination to say that time has set its sites on Mel Brooks’s wonderful “cast” of players. Hopefully, this will be posted within a week of his passing, but I write this on the morning after the announcement that Harvey Korman, at 81, had died.

    It can be admitted, with slight hesitation, that upon reading about the demise of Mr. Korman last night I shed what seemed to be some sort of clear liquid from my eyeballs. It seems as though the thought of such a talented comic legend leaving a world in which film comedy is nigh dead, and TV comedy only seems to work if it’s animated, my cold, cynical, blackened, skeptic’s heart actually pumped a few droplets of red sludge and gave my body just enough sustenance to urge some moisture toward the ocular cavity. I cried. I man-cried. This wasn’t weeping because the love of your life rejected you, or sobbing because you cut your finger with a bagel slicer, or moping around the house in a bathrobe depressed that your life turned out shittier then you were told it would. This was a few extremely rare droplets of moisture shed by a man when one of his heroes, someone he truly respects, looks up to, and even idolizes, bought the farm. Yes, I do realize how obvious it is that I’m trying to justify the tears, but at least give me points for the admission.

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    Writing about Mr. Korman without mentioning The Carol Burnett Show or Tim Conway would be irresponsible. That was simply one of the greatest comedy series of all time, Conway and Korman perhaps one of the funniest duos to ever grace the small screen. Also, let us not forget that Harvey was the voice of The Great Gazoo on The Flintstones, and portrayed several roles in the wonderfully unwatchable Star Wars Holiday Special. I’ve read that George Lucas hates the Holiday Special so vehemently that he would burn every copy in existence if he had the chance, so Mr. Korman being an active member in something that causes Mr. Lucas distress makes him even that much cooler. However, I’m going to put all his amazing television work aside, because this is a movie column, and as my love for Harvey Korman stems from film specifically.

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    Just as Carol Burnett gave us Harvey on TV, Mel Brooks gave us Harvey on the silver screen. In High Anxiety, Brooks’s spoof of Hitchcock, Korman gives probably his most manic performance as the evil Dr. Charles Montague. The scene in which he torments the patient by shooting him in the neck with paper clips and making werewolf faces is drop dead funny. Also (and I couldn’t count on fingers and toes how many times I needed to defend this movie) Harvey Korman’s performance in Dracula: Dead and Loving It is absolutely perfect. Even if the film falls flat for you, the interplay in the scenes between Peter Macnicol as Renfield and Harvey Korman as Dr. Seward makes the whole movie worthwhile. There is something inherently genius in the pretentious, almost-effeminate asshole line delivery that Harvey Korman pulls off like no other; it was all acting, even at an old age like he was in Dracula.

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    He stayed sharp till the end. There was no doubt about it. And NO ONE and I mean NO ONE could touch Mr. Korman’s comedic edge in Blazing Saddles and History of the World Part 1 respectively. For my money, there aren’t many things on this planet funnier than Harvey Korman correcting people on how to pronounce his character’s name. As Hedy Lamarr (THAT’S HEDLEY!) in Blazing Saddles, probably his best known performance, he basically steals every scene if not the entire movie, a movie which is also one of, if not the THE, funniest film ever. He was firing on all cylinders. Every word, every evil grin, every line that came out of his mouth was of a comedic note higher than most funnymen ever reach in their life. Today, most film and comedy actors simply let the writing and moronic situations speak for them, thus REAL acting takes a back seat in lieu of silly concepts. Simply studying the scene in Saddles when Slim Pickens first meets with Hedley will show how dedicated comedians, especially Korman himself, used to be to completely selling the role. The timing alone, especially when Mel Brooks (as the GOV) and Harvey Korman share the screen makes most modern day funny men seem limp. Will there ever be anything as funny as Mr. Brooks and Mr. Korman bursting out into intentionally fake laughter only to stop a moment later, stare questioningly into each other’s eyes and give a loud disgruntled “hhhhrrrrrmmmm?” If you ask me, no”¦probably not.

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    Harvey Korman’s portrayal of Count De Monet is considerably shorter then his other roles in Brooks’ films, yet it contains perhaps his best screen moments. Found in the French Revolution segment of History of the World Part 1, is the ever-classic argument between Count Da Money (De Monet”¦De Monet”¦) and his assistant Bearnaise. The two of them overflowing with homosexual tension, wearing comically huge French wigs, griping about who the “delicious raisins” belong to, and delivering every line with heavily suggestive eye and finger movements make this rather short scene searingly funny. One wonders how you even get through a scene like that. Watching a master like Harvey Korman work is a wonderful pleasure, from the way he pulls that monocle up to his eye for a split second to the way he pronounces the word “raisins.” When Bearnaise gives up the raisins and shows some attitude, Harvey, of course, says one of the greatest quotes in all of comedy cinema: “Don’t be saucy with me, Bearnaise”¦” That scene is soon followed by the Count exclaiming to the King “My Lord, you look just like the piss-boy!” followed by Mel Brooks as the King retorting with “and you look like a bucket of SHIT!” Absolutely genius, especially considering the way Korman maintains the gay vibe through out, carrying the S at the end of “piss” just enough to make it infectiously quotable.

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    Venturing a guess of large proportions, it would seem that there is no greater compliment to any man (or woman) then to have others say you made them laugh, after you’re gone and especially when you were here. Harvey Korman did just that, he made us laugh for decades, and probably will continue to do so for many more. You were a legend Mr. Korman, a master of “the funny,” and I hope future generations will enjoy your work even 1/100th of how much I did. My thoughts are with his family and friends.

    The Strangers (2008) Review ************SPOILERS**************

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    I never listened to Rob Zombie’s music. All I remember was that there was a White Zombie song in The Cable Guy, Astrocreep 2000 I think, and part of the music video for Dragula was watched by the main character in Idle Hands for a few seconds. Never was a fan, but was familiar with his reputation and his molten lust for old horror movies, so when he started writing and directing films I showed up. House of 1000 Corpses was essentially a pointless remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Yet, somehow less pointless then the actual remake of TCM.) The Devil’s Rejects was Texas Chainsaw Massacre Goes on a Road Trip, and it was pretty well done if viewed through glasses with a 70’s tint. However, even though Rejects was very solid, this is when the horror/film community started to ask the question “How many times can they remake Texas Chainsaw Massacre?”

    The unique concept that keeps bringing us back to TCM is, believe it or not, completely unrelated to Texas or”¦well”¦chainsaws. It’s the concept, the gruesome idea, of a family that kills innocents AS a family for no other reason then they want to”¦they get off on it. Them doing it as a unit amplified what was already so chilling about serial killers, they were murderers, all of them, firmly supported by their family members. They operated as a cult, a team of killers, all to accomplish one thing”¦obtain victims and collectively enjoy their torture and death. It’s a horrifying concept, made all the more horrid by the very strange macabre type things they did. Their actions almost defied explanation, any human that wasn’t part of the family was a victim of the family, no discrimination, people were just meat to be cut up in very odd ways, they were just that fucking insane, which made it all the more interesting to watch. How many times can they remake Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Well, the answer as of right now is”¦one more time.

    The Strangers, written and directed by first timer Bryan Bertino could be called Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Home Delivery. Now, instead of the family capturing victims and bringing them back to their pad, they are kind enough not to bother the soon-to-be slaughtered with all the annoying travel time. It’s a TCM for the times we are currently surrounded in, sure the serial murdering family will slice you up”¦but they really respect how high gas prices have gotten.

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    If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the entire plot. That’s it, no surprises, no more dialogue from the killers, no real reasons to not just save $10 and watch the trailer twenty times in a row sitting in a darkened room with some microwaved popcorn. The plot is this. There is a couple, they have relationship problems, they go to a remote cabin in the woods, three masked people show up, fuck with them, kill them, then leave. Insert a lot of cheap jump cuts, some really boring characterization about boring characters, cliché horror movie victim-stupidity and you basically just saw the movie.

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    Strangers is a remake of TCM because it’s a family killing people together for essentially no reason. It pales in comparison to TCM because of the banal nature in which the family does it. They run around the house, throw shit, knock on the door, and basically fuck with this couple almost the same as any teenagers would. The only hint of weird we get served here is the morbid face coverings themselves, which if any praise is deserved by the film it’s for the wonderfully creepy masks the three killers adorn, especially the “sack” mask, it’s a really chilling visual. Too bad the promise in the designs of the masks never pays off with a boring script that seems to have been written by a machine.

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    ********here’s where the major spoilers come in***********

    We find out early in the movie that the couple, I have no clue what their names were nor do I find it remotely worth the effort to look them up, was just coming home from a wedding. The man, Scott Speedman, asked the woman, Liv Tyler, to marry him and she turned him down. They still go to the cabin anyway, but Speedman’s character calls his best friend and asks him if he can pick him up first thing in the morning. Well, in the midst of the onslaught by the insane murdering family, Scott Speedman obtains a shotgun and him and Liv hold up in a room, gun pointed at the door ready to shoot anything that moves. They are completely set, they actually did something smart, for about five minutes the movie became very refreshing. Then, of course, the friend decides to show up early, he walks in the house to find his friend, walks to the room and gets shot in the face by Speedman.

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    Now, at this point I was totally rooting for the movie, they could take this in a really cool direction”¦they don’t. After they get done crying and initially mourning the fact that he just shot his best friend in the face, they try to make a run for it and as they leave the house they see on the back door the word KILLER written in what seemed to be lipstick. The family just succeeded in something much cooler then murdering the couple, they tricked the couple into murdering their friend; it could have birthed genius. The movie continues, they fuck with the couple more, they eventually subdue both of them. Cut to morning, the sun is up; the couple find themselves tied to chairs in the living room with the three masked strangers staring them down with knife in hand.

    Now, at this very moment in the flick, it would seem that the coolest possible script would have the killers, who are still masked mind you, simply drop the knife, walk out of the house and drive away. They could even tease them a bit more, make them think they are about to die, then have the climax of dropping the knife and just walking away, giving a THINKING audience a good breathe of fresh air. Why would that be great? Because then it wouldn’t be just another pale remake of TCM, it would be a movie all to itself”¦it would be a movie about a family that fucks with people, for no reason, ruins their lives by forcing them to murder someone they know and just walking away with the twisted satisfaction that they haven’t done nearly anything as awful as what they forced someone else to do. They would still be sick, twisted killers, but with a completely righteous attitude that screams “FUCK YOU, WE DIDN’T KILL ANYONE, ALL WE DID WAS THROW SHIT AT YOUR HOUSE.” It would be an ending akin to the recent wonderful and ballsy ending in the Frank Darabont written The Mist, which has the dual nature of showing a man condemning himself to hell while being saved from it at the same time. This could have been similar, except the killers are the ones saving them (by letting them live,) while damming them to a life of guilt at the same time.

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    So, what actually happens? The Strangers take off their masks, the audience never gets to see their faces, then they stab the couple to death and leave. That’s it. Even the stabbing felt so generic, just stabbed them in the stomach like serial killing robots without any verve. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t like watching gore, nor do I like the idea of human beings getting stabbed to death or feel the need to down play it, but this is a movie. If you are going to have killers killing for no reason, make them interesting. They spend all this time fucking with this couple just to boringly stab them to death? This family goes to so much trouble, I mean, if your going to murder innocent people ANYWAY”¦have some fun with it”¦fuck in front of them while they cry, make them fuck in front of you while you cry, saw off one of their arms and beat them to death with it, piss on their face, shit in a bowl of ice cream and force feed it to them, ANYTHING to make it interesting. No, they just stab them and then leave. It really makes you wonder how something so bland could make it to the big screen. All the time and effort wasted on what amounts to scary masks and a few jump cuts for the audience members with low IQs. What does this movie bring to the genre? It goes the route of TCM by having them murder, but not in nearly any memorable way, the end makes the entire experience one fleeting useless venture.

    Mutt Williams and the Kingdom of the CGI Gophers

    Those of you that were kind enough to read my last column should know that I plan to eat a few of my words. The words I’m referring to are the ones found in the second to last paragraph. I don’t think much needs to be explained other then I (we) were very misled by certain statements made about the technical creation of Indiana Jones 4. I admit that my anticipation of said movie was extremely high, as I am a rabid Indy trilogy fan of the highest order. All I am going to say on the subject, because it’s just to painful to discuss, is when Indy rode off into the sunset 20 years ago, for me, that’s where it ends. Also, keeping in mind that film is my life, my ultimate life defining reaction to watching said movie is best summed up in a simple phrase I said to my buddy (and fellow Quick Stop columnist) Ian: “I feel like my heroes are dying, and my heroes are the ones killing them.”

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    Also, speaking of shitty things happening to great trilogies, The Clock Tower from Back To The Future (my favorite flick ever!) burned down.

    Check out the story here

    Thanks for reading, let me know what you guys thought of The Strangers.

  • Trailer Park: What Do Critics, And Their Criticism, Really Matter?

    By Christopher Stipp

    The Archives, Right Here

    I’m awesome. I wrote a book. It’s got little to do with movies. Download and read “Thank You, Goodnight” right HERE for free.

    Question for the group: Does box office negate the stones people cast against it?

    I was reminded this week of the words some people have used against the newest INDIANA JONES incarnation but, from the looks of things, everyone might as well have saved that breath for blowing up balloons. Scoring over $100 million at the box office it truly was critic-proof of the highest order; some said that was going to save SPEED RACER but judging by the “Price Cut” on almost anything with a SPEED logo on it at the local Target near my house it is anything but a safe critic proof environment for films.

    Now, without getting into what really makes a critic proof film, that could be a column all unto itself, I’m at a loss to really understand what kind of purpose criticism really serves in this age when anyone with an Internet connection can weasel their way into a screening and post a review of it. At 78% approval at Rotten Tomatoes the film is unquestionably a critical success.

    It was obvious that the schism that occurred, critically, was one where enthusiasts of the franchise (and make no mistake that this film is just a franchise. Those who want to inflate its cultural significance to anything more than a successful business property need to take an economics class to see why Hollywood still exists today.) had real issues with some of the patina the film’s characters were wont to use, that some of the CGI was ridiculously shabby, that the self same CGI was specifically pointed out by Spielberg as something that *wasn’t* going to be heavily used in many of his previous interviews (for illustrations on how this was supposed to look, gaze on the practicality employed in IRON MAN.) and that many of the story’s elements just failed to produce any sort of pulpy sense of adventure we’ve come to expect from this film’s previous outings.

    Personally, the level of quality and attention to any real tension was already on a decline after RAIDERS. How could you have topped some guy getting his face slashed by a propeller? What else has been more exciting than seeing a human skull just melt like a candle? The answer is that you couldn’t but the series has been a serviceable one not to mention that this entry was just a half-assed when compared to the other films.

    And that’s really what’s at issue when it comes to critical reviews. You can either review the work in a vacuum, which it should be if you want to be absolutely true to the idea of criticism, or judge it against what has come before it. Hence, that’s the real quandary but the reason why it’s done so well at the box office. Judged alone, it’s a serviceable action film that deserved its cash because it delivers on many base needs for those who need a summer film with flashes of pop, a little intrigue and a whole lot of action. Judged against the other films, though, and you have a world of problems that people have when fans wonder why, when you have Spielberg and Lucas and Koepp in a super triad team-up, you end up with a turd that floats right on the surface of the punchbowl.

    But, just like true criticism, these negative points are all muted by the very large bankroll. In a land ruled by dollars, this movie will never be seen as anything less than a success. That’s what probably irks most people who know better.

    Case in point, though, is Herr Raymond “Don’t Call Me Heeb” Schillaci’s review of INDIANA JONES AND THE QUEST FOR MORE GOLD COINS which follows promptly after this column. Ray has certainly endeared himself to a lot of the readership if the mail is to be believed but since I don’t I still rate his qualifications as a reviewer to be on par with a grade schooler with an acute drooling problem…and who also happens to be retarded. But that’s just me. Feel free to disagree with him, as I have, in the comments section below.

    THE FIST FOOT WAY (2008)

    Director: Jody Hill
    Cast: Danny McBride, Ben Best, Mary Jane Bostic
    Release:
    May 30, 2008
    Synopsis: THE FOOT FIST WAY, an uproarious, full-contact comedy featuring one of this year’s least likely heroes, is the first project from Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s Gary Sanchez Productions. Included in Ain’t It Cool News’ Top 10 Films of 2007, THE FOOT FIST WAY became a sensation at the 2006 Sundance Film Festival, as audiences fell in love with the seriously self-deluded Tae Kwon Do instructor Fred Simmons, who talks a big, macho game, but falls to pieces when his wife betrays him. Self-control, courtesy, perseverance, integrity and an indomitable spirit ““ those are the basic tenets preached by the proud but stern Master instructor Simmons at the Concord Tae Kwon Do Studio. There “the way of the foot and the fist,” a.k.a. the definition of the featured Korean martial art, turns boys into black belts and suburbanites into great warriors. That is, until Simmons’ seemingly perfect life starts collapsing when he discovers his wife having an affair on him. Twice. A chance to resurrect his life by battling his hero – the 8-time undefeated champ and star of the “Seven Rings of Pain” trilogy, Chuck “The Truck” Wallace – gives Simmons’ life purpose as he winds up on a wild, comic journey that will take him from egomaniacal bluster all the way to becoming the stand-up man of his delusional dreams.

    View Trailer:
    * Medium (YouTube)

    Prognosis: Negative. If I was 13 I would probably be all over this trailer.

    “Wow,” I would say, “Look at how he’s taking your average blond who’s looking for a yoga workout only to be totally verbally kicked in the face by having Danny McBride say “˜Well, has yoga ever saved someone from a gang rape type of situation’! I mean, wow!”

    One of the things I don’t appreciate about comedic trailers nowadays are those that try too hard and, as IDIOCRACY clearly was divining, use nut shots and other physical type of humor to say in flashing neon “Look at us! We’re really funny!”

    The reason why the Payton Manning sketch on SNL bit worked, where he was beaning kids in the head with a football and mocking, chiding these children every chance he could, where there was some of the very same comedic elements present was because it worked against type. Here, though, you have an obviously disconnected retard whose only function seems to be that same whorish “Look at me!” type of personality that I guess we’re supposed to find amusing.

    The first 15 seconds are painful; let’s just get that over with. The scene that follows, where this douche is taunting what looks like an 8 year-old as he punches him in the head, I guess is supposed to be uproaringly hilarious. I mean, yeah, it’s visually amusing but it just feels like they’re trying way too hard to make this funny. There’s a fine line between subtlety and blunt force trauma when it comes to punchlines.

    Exhibit B: This dope of a Tae Kwon Do instructor is at a barbeque. Some trashy looking lady is doing her nails and we’re given, again what’s supposed to be a joke, a moment where this guy explains the difference between a whore and whore-ish. I just don’t get it, I guess.

    And, let’s not overlook the fact that we’re told that Adam McKay and Will Ferrell was given this movie last year, and that they’ve watched it 20 times and that they’re now quoting it. As much of a lark that is to explain to the rest of us, obviously not true because if I had to even watch this trailer 5 more times I would take a meat cleaver and slice my own eyeballs with it, it doesn’t bode well for their reputations to me anyhow that they would sanction a piece of shit like this.

    Ah, yes, I forgot to mention: the reason why this is a red band trailer. I think one of the ways in which red band trailers differ from many other types of trailers are that sometimes they offer a more intense look at the film. Sometimes it helps, sometimes, well, you get trailers like this. It seems red band to these people means Reason To Inject F-Bombs like it was a blitzkrieg on London circa World War II. Yeah, I like the uses of these words. I like when they’re used to hilarious effect but I dare anyone here to watch this trailer and tell me it doesn’t seem like it’s just an excuse to stick them in there.

    I will say high-five for the scene where a kid is about to go toe-to-toe with one of this instructor’s friends only to have the moment broken, by instead of a martial arts fight, we have the other guy lay into the kid with a fist to the face. Nice touch.

    After a very long quick clip sequence to an Andrew W.K. soundtrack, and after I’m thoroughly confused as to what is going on in this film, I’m left to say that I have no intention of seeing this film. Believe me, this trailer tries very hard to say why this is going to be the comedic equivalent of an orgasm but I’m left with blue balls on this one.
    AMERICAN TEEN (2008)

    Director: Nanette Burstein
    Cast: Lots of High Schoolers
    Release:
    July 25, 2008
    Synopsis: A documentary on seniors at a high school in a small Indiana town and their various cliques.

    View Trailer:
    * Large (QuickTime)

    Prognosis: Positive. I could watch this stuff all day and night.

    I am endlessly fascinated by sociological examinations, be they a look into groups of people who I never took the time to understand (the lives of those who have to deal with autistic children, soldiers who are coming home from Iraq and dealing with PTSD, etc”¦) or groups of people I was once myself, namely high schoolers, I’ve always gravitated back to teens and young adults, Perhaps it’s my fear that I will lose my grip on what made those years from 14-18 so watershed-y but watching pieces on PBS’ Frontline about how teens are evolving to PBS’ American High which was waaaay too short to the recent series High School Confidential on the We network (seeing how I have two girls it was damn near required viewing) I am reminded why I dig this stuff. There is a certain commonality we all share with this group of individuals and AMERICAN TEEN seems like it could play just as well on the big screen as it could on the small screen.

    One of the keys in making these productions work, and why this thing starts off really well, is its jumpy, cheeky tone. The music is reminiscent of an ELO ditty, not that I would expect any teen in this film to know who ELO is, but it sets up a few things without you even realizing it: the place, the time, the people and the fact that this all begins on the first day of their last year in high school.

    Now, while you see the prime players in this thing, getting ready for their school day, there is the sanitized sense that this could be another whitewash that we’ve all grown accustomed to in this age of MTV editing and where it’s in that edit bay that storylines take their shape. This is further reinforced by the labels we’re given for those we’re going to follow: The Jock, The Rebel, The Geek, The Princess and The Heartthrob.

    I’m at odds with my attraction to the material and the obvious misrepresentations that can happen when you do put labels and monikers on things. Evolutionarily speaking, yeah, we survive this life because we label and group things; it helps to establish some kind of order to everything which would otherwise be chaos. But, I can see why the filmmakers have decided to let this go. It just helps those of us playing at home to keep score of what we’re seeing. I get that and it’s forgivable when the cards “Who”¦Were”¦You?” come across the screen.

    I’ll take Not Smart Freak for $500.

    What follows is the only thing that can follow at this point. You have one girl talking about what it’s like in Warsaw, Indiana and the kind of rural country all of us in our 30’s will say looks like something out of FOOTLOOSE or 16 CANDLES. It looks like Wonder Bread country for sure and it seems like a good as place as any to document the modern teen species. Say what you will about organisms and their behavior when you expose them to cameras and observation but there is some glimmer here that we will catch a glimpse of something real in the process.


    AUSTRAILIA (2008)

    Director: Baz Luhrmann
    Cast: Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman
    David Wenham, Jack Thompson, Bryan Brown
    Release:
    November 14, 2008
    Synopsis: AUSTRALIA is an epic and romantic action adventure, set in that country on the explosive brink of World War II. In it, an English aristocrat (Nicole Kidman) travels to the faraway continent, where she meets a rough-hewn local (Hugh Jackman) and reluctantly agrees to join forces with him to save the land she inherited. Together, they embark upon a transforming journey across hundreds of miles of the world’s most beautiful yet unforgiving terrain, only to still face the bombing of the city of Darwin by the Japanese forces that attacked Pearl Harbor. With his new film, Luhrmann is painting on a vast canvas, creating a cinematic experience that brings together romance, drama, adventure and spectacle.

    View Trailer:
    * Large (QuickTime)

    Prognosis: Positive. I’m going to assume a lot of people here know a lift when they see one.

    I can’t say that every time I’m told when an artist has pulled this from one work or pulled that from a cover of another comic book and made it into something almost completely identical that it’s a completely derivative work but I’ll be damned if there isn’t a whole lot of thieving going on in this trailer. Not that these things are bad, mind you, but it really is the most sincere form of flattery when you steal from the best.

    In this trailer it’s like you have some things from GONE WITH THE WIND, THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY, GIANT and a handful of other oldies but goodies.

    As if I have to make some remark about when a parent company is owned by a subsidiary before talking about a stock recommendation but, honestly, I can’t think of the last time Nicole Kidman really inspired that lovin’ feeling in me to see one of her films. THE GOLDEN COMPASS only proved that Botox is working overtime to keep that forehead as smooth as a baby’s ass and, let’s be honest as you look over her resume over the last few years, THE INVASION sucked, FUR sucked, BEWITCHED really sucked and THE INTERPRETER really blew; that said, I was blown away by this trailer.

    Even the opening is a little magical by the flip-flip-flip of the CGI papers when the set up happens at second 1: it’s World War II, it’s in Australia, the Japanese are a threat to that prison island and you have the oddest moment between Kidman and some girl who seems like she’s just chillin’ in a bomb crater. The story itself is presented pretty kid-clear as Kidman relates the tale to Crater Girl.

    There’s a girl and there’s a boy. Here, Jackman is all sorts of Clint Eastwood and there is even some elements of PEARL HARBOR and that GLADIATOR shot of the fingers rolling across the wheat fields; I’m telling you, it’s like seeing a Best Of montage for all these films. And while this is all going on we have one of the most accurate grasps on what the movie is about as things roll on. It’s amazing that we know so much but don’t know anything at all regarding what Jackman and Kidman have to do with one another.

    The 2nd half of this trailer, normally reserved for more exposition, is used for a lovely string arrangement that blends some of the most fantastical imagery I’ve seen for a film not already slated to come out during the summer. You have fires, horses, guns, armies and an oddly squatting Aboriginal while it’s all wrapped up in this majestic sense of time and place.

    While I wouldn’t purport to say this seems like one of the more big films of the fall season by any means I will say that the sound of a cracking whip never sounded so thrilling as it did here. Indiana Jones has nothing on Hugh Jackman. As well, it’s nice to look forward to film that may bring more to the screen than just superhero theatrics and genuinely give people a reason to see why wide screens were really meant for the cinema.

    I hope I’m not wrong. While I know there’s some veiled finger pointing at what seems to be original or fresh about this production I will say that this trailer is really one of the only ones this month that has kind of stayed with me for a bit. For what it’s worth it does have some charm.

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    Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Fans

    No matter what, we as fans of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg will always expect more, and rarely will they deliver. So I urge everyone interested in seeing their future movies to stop genuflecting to your celluloid deities and accept them as better-than-average filmmakers who have faults with touches of brilliance. This way, one can walk out of Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with a fun sense of nostalgia and newbies can have just as good of a time as the rest of us.

    Too further substantiate this claim I present the facts of the past. Lucas and Spielberg were launched into movie history fame by less than a handful of brilliant films, Lucas ““ Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back (some will argue American Graffiti, but that is barely a blip on the radar), Spielberg ““ Jaws, Close Encounters, E.T. and Schindler’s List. Together they created the Indy mythos with only Raiders being the stand out and that even had its problems to some. Those problems being that it emulated the Saturday Matinees so well that people wanted steak with their popcorn. There were complaints that it could have been the Gone With The Wind of action movies. Lacking was the depth of a real relationship between Indy and Marion even though Ford and Allen generated sparks through a downpour of action set pieces. And, what pieces they were, Lucas and Spielberg raised the bar for not only everybody else but themselves too, never to duplicate that sense of wonderment or magic. Would they touch upon it? Sure, but not always to satisfying effect.

    L & S are homage experts they appear more comfortable when they emulate rather than create. Their giant hits of the past were made out of hunger and passion. Few filmmakers ever remain consistent or close to it and we as an audience have demanded it of L & S. It’s time to set expectations aside. They are not in the same category as John Ford, Alfred Hitchcock or David O’Selznick. We just thought they might be at one time. And, it could be argued that they are not as consistently interesting as those who have avoided selling themselves out and remained on the fringe creating a maintainable mythos surrounding their work; David Lynch, David Cronenberg, Quentin Tarantino.

    Now for the good news, those who enter setting aside their expectations and expecting more than the pale comparisons that have emulated the Indy movies (National Treasure, Tomb Raider and half-assed Brendan Fraser fare) you may rejoice. It is fun. It will not bring you to your feet applauding but it is a great summer escape. First off, let’s dismiss the stuffy critics of Ford’s age. John Wayne was revered as a great action western star till he was 71 and Ford is in much better shape. The part is his and his alone. He fits into it like a well-worn glove and is pure fun to watch until the movie gets bogged down into exposition midway through.

    The last thing we need from an Indy movie is the sense that we are going to nod off. This is probably the point when a studio exec needed to step in and demand not only a brush up on Koepp’s patchwork script but a better editor as well. After all it was Verna Fields that saved Jaws from sinking into oblivion. But this good-ole boys club is far too powerful to have anyone monkey with their newfound toy. Everyone will have to play by their rules and that means we as an audience must suffer through the slow exposition pieces, the phoned in writing of Marion’s return (which could have been a great shot in the arm) and a tagged on lackluster epilogue that not only appeared to be strained but only there for the purpose of the suggestion of another taking Indy’s reigns. Hey, L & S unless you want to see your cash cow butchered ““ don’t even go there!

    Okay, I’ve spit out the venom, now onto the glory. Once again, everything else is pure fun. Some of the action pieces are right out of the L & S library of good times by all. As I mentioned before, Ford is great as the world weary Indy. Cate Blanchett adds fun to the villainy of Mother Russia and even though she’s Russian she might as well be goose-stepping. Not only is Blanchett pleasant on the eyes but also something about her elicits our bad-boy fantasies. Shia LeBeouf turns in a surprising performance that fares much better than any of the younger Indy carnations from the past. The story is pure Saturday matinee action/adventure with a dash of X-Files thrown in for good measure. That may seem out of place for an Indy movie but not for Lucas and Spielberg who have waded in the genre before.

    But does it work? In a way, yes it worked, but not always to satisfying effect. If only less CGI was relied on. I’m not a big critic of CGI, it’s useful when not overused, and the tech wizards that L & S are should have known when enough was enough. One of the last shots is so over the top it makes some of Indy’s copycats start to look good.

    Like the James Bond series Indy will be enjoyed for better or for worse. Technically savvy and catering to the fantasies of young boys and men struck down with the Peter Pan syndrome. Indy is a staple in our love for all things nostalgic and will continue to entertain as long as our children have a desire to go to the movies. I’ll buy this one on Blu Ray before I ever fork over the rental money for a National Treasure 2.

  • Toy Box: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Never Ending Merchandise

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    There’s been a ton of hype and merchandise surrounding the release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and yet I haven’t covered any of it here at QSE. Oh, I’ve covered plenty at my site, Michael’s Review of the Week, but here at QSE I’ve been remiss in my duties, at least in terms of the Indy fans.

    So let’s start fixing that tonight with a look at three of the 3 3/4″ action figures. These are being produced by Hasbro, the makers of the other largest 3 3/4″ series, Star Wars. While I doubt there will ever be as many Indy figures as Star Wars, they certainly have started out with a bang, releasing 17 different figures in the first waves, with even more figures planned to hit in June. Then there’s three vehicles in this scale, as well as eight deluxe sets.

    These smaller figures retail for anywhere from $7 – $9, depending on the retailer. While that’s a little steep, many of the retailers have been having sales, and these three I bought at Toys R Us last week during their “buy 2 get a 3rd free” sale, making them less than $5 each.

    There are figures in the first 17 from both Raiders of the Lost Ark and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. As the line progresses, we’ll see figures from all four films, so be prepared for the onslaught.

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    “Indiana Jones – Whipping Indy, Colonel Dovchenko, and the Ugha Warrior”

    While whipping Indy is from Raiders of course (and yes, there is a Cairo Swordsman to go with him), the other two are from KOTCS. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, obviously they won’t mean as much to you, but trust me – they play key parts.

    There are two unique features to this line worth pointing out up front. First, each figure in the series is packed with an ‘artifact’. They come in the little brown crate-like box in the package. These artifacts are generally out of scale for the 3 3/4″ figures, but many of them are actually in sixth scale, making them ideal to go with your Sideshow Indy once he’s here.

    The other nifty feature is that there is a mail away with several of the different Hasbro lines. You collect small stamps that come with each figure, pop them into the passport-like form, and send it off to Hasbro with a check for shipping and handling. In the case of the 3 3/4″ figures, the figure is actually a bit of a spoiler, so I’ll just say it’s another character from the KOTCS film and leave it at that.

    Packaging – ***1/2
    I like the look of the packaging, and the design feels both retro and new. The colors and graphics stand out well on the current pegs, and the figures are shown off nicely by the style of bubble. There’s some personalization on the back of each, as well as small photos of other figures in the line. Sure, they aren’t collector friendly, but did you really expect them to be? At least they’re easy to tear into!

    The form for the mail away is in the bottom of the bubble, but the stamp you’ll need is inside the cardboard box with the artifact.

    Sculpting – Warrior ***1’2; Dovchenko, Indy **1/2
    Once again, the bad guys come out on top. It just shouldn’t be that way when you’re talking about Indiana Jones.

    The Indy figure is actually one of the better head sculpts in the line…I think. It’s tough to tell under the paint, but I think with a better application this would have looked quite a bit more like Harrison Ford. The proportions are decent, and the hat is sculpted on the head, a smart move to make it look correctly sized.

    toybox_052708_4a.jpg

    But the leg pose is static, designed to look good with the whipping action and that’s it. I can live with it, but what I can’t live with is the hugely oversized and ugly holster. It throws the look of the whole figure off, and I would have much prefered a sculpted one like Dovchenko’s. Yes, you can put Indy’s pistol in his, but it still looks ridiculous.

    Speaking of Dovchenko, his sculpt is pretty nice. The costume has some nice details, particulary in the folds and wrinkles. Both hands are sculpted to hold the accessories, and he stands well on his own. He’s not a perfect match to his movie counterpart, but he makes a good addition to the soldiers in the display.

    toybox_052708_2b.jpg

    The Ugha Warrior is a very different design, and we don’t have enough native peoples in the Indy collection yet. The head sculpt is great, with a nice generic pissed off look, and the ceremonial scarring on his body is actually sculpted on, not just painted. He holds his weapons nicely, and the sculpt and articulation really work well together, allowing him to stand great on his own in a ton of poses.

    toybox_052708_2c.jpg

    Paint – Warrior, Dovchenko ***; Indy **1/2
    Paint has been an issue for this line so far, especially the various Indiana Jones figures. If the paint were better, the quality of the sculpt might show through…or not.

    From the neck down, Indy isn’t too bad. His outfit isn’t as nicely done as the Cairo version, since the shirt is much to clean looking and there is a fair amount of slop in areas like the edge between the pants and shoes, or the high gloss skin tone on the chest. The face still has a bit of the googly eyes going on, although this one did look a little better to me on the peg than some. The stubble doesn’t look too bad, but overall the figures is average at best.

    toybox_052708_2a.jpg

    I like the Warrior a bit better. None of these figures have a ton of detail (and Hasbro has opted to cast much of the figures in the colored plastic to avoid paint), but the raised scars are painted well, as is the eyes and face. The bone armor has issues with poor cuts between it and the skin in many spots, and shiny plastic colored legs hurt what would otherwise be a better score.

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    Dovchenko has a decent paint job as well, but again, nothing to contact your congressman over. The eyes are decent, and there’s more small details on the costume here than many of the other figures in the line, but there’s also enough slop and generally careless work that it ends up being pretty average mass market work.

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    Articulation – Warrior, D ***1/2; Indy ***
    Of these three, Indy is the least articulated due to the action feature. You better like the leg pose, because it’s what you’re going to be living with.

    He has T hips, but only the right leg can move forward and back. The left is reserved for the action feature, where it it’s squeezed inward to move the right arm. Indy does better up top though, with a ball jointed neck (limited range of movement), ball jointed left shoulder, cut right shoulder, pin and peg elbows, and a cut waist. Most of the articulation is there to get a decent pose centered around the whipping action.

    The Warrior has much more articulation. His ball jointed neck has a decent range of movement even with the longer hair, and both shoulders are ball jointed (pin/post style). There are also these pin/post style joints at the knees, ankles and elbows, as well as cut wrists, and a cut waist. Finally, he has the T hips.

    toybox_052708_4c.jpg

    Likewise for the Colonel. His articulation matches the Warrior’s, and works about as well. My big grip is the hips on both of them. If there were better hip joints that allowed for more than just forward and backward movement, then the great knee and ankle joints could be put to much better use.

    toybox_052708_3b.jpg

    Accessories – ***
    All three of these figures come with two accessories plus their artifact.

    Indy has his whip and his pistol. The pistol sculpt is quite good considering the scale, and it fits in his hand relatively well. The whip is a sculpted plastic handle, but the rest of the whip is brown string. I think this was actually a smart idea, as it looks more like it’s braided, and it flips in the air better than a rubber whip. Unfortunately, the handle is huge and oversized, and won’t stay in his goofy right hand when using the action feature even with this issue.

    toybox_052708_5a.jpg

    Indy’s artifact makes up for it though – the lower half of the Grail Tablet! It’s a little small for sixth scale, but close enough for my display, and the tiny letters are even sculpted into its surface. The monotone paint job tends to obscure the letters, but it’s not a bad little accessory for your larger figures.

    The good (actually, bad) Colonel comes with two automatic weapons: a rifle and a pistol. The pistol can’t go in his holster (it’s sculpted in one solid piece on his body), but it looks fine in his left hand. I do wish that the articulation would allow you to hold the machine gun in both hands across his body, but it doesn’t quite work.

    His accessory is the Chalice of Kali, from Temple of Doom. The sculpt and paint on this are quite nice, certainly the nicest of any of these three. However, it’s scale is all off. It’s too large for the 3 3/” figures, and too small for the 12″ figures. If you bought the 7″ Indy from Disneyland, it would work well with him.

    toybox_052708_5b.jpg

    Finally, there’s the Ugha Warrior. He comes with two weapons as well, a bolo tie weapon and a stone axe. Both of these fit nicely in his sculpted hands. Because of the long handle on the axe, he can actually hold it in both hands, but it’s a bit tough to get it there and keep it there.

    His artifact is the plainest of the bunch, a ancient arrowhead. It’s too big for an arrowhead even for 12″ figures, but you can always say it’s a spear head instead. While the sculpt and paint are plain, that’s not too surprising considering that arrowheads tend to be quite basic in design.

    toybox_052708_5c.jpg

    I included a shot of the 12″ Whipping Indy with a couple of the artifacts to give you some idea of scale.

    Action Feature – Indy **; Warrior, Dovchenko bupkis
    Sometimes, getting a bupkis can really hurt your score. Other times, it’s exactly the opposite.

    Here, the fact that the Ugha Warrior and Dovchenko don’t have an action feature is a GOOD thing. I generally hate action features, and not having them means they work just fine as actual action figures.

    Indy has one, and while the mechanism has real potential, they screwed up in one very major way.

    He has ‘whipping’ action. You place the whip in his right hand, pose the hand above his head, and squeeze his legs together. The right arm snaps forward, cracking the whip. Theoritically.

    The whip handle is too small and thin to stay in his grip, however. What that means is that whipping action turns into throwing action, and Indy can toss that whip a good foot or so without any trouble at all. Put a tiny baseball in his right hand, and he can toss out the first pitch on opening day.

    Of course, that’s not supposed to be how the action feature works, but this simple mistake turns an action feature with potential (the leg/arm mechanism works quite well) into one that’s merely lame.

    Fun Factor – Warrior, Dovchenko ***1/2; Indy **1/2
    The two villains here have solid sculpts and articulation, with some cool accessories. They’ll be able to battle Indy and provide plenty of conflict in any play scenario. The Indy is a bit weak though, really only working as a display figure opposite the Cairo Swordsman.

    Value – **1/2
    With more and more stores dropping the price on these or putting out sales, the value has improved. I’m assuming you end up paying about $7 for these, and at that price they’re a pretty average value. The included artifacts is what makes these a better value at this price than say, Prince Caspian or Pirates of the Caribbean would be.

    toybox_052708_6.jpg

    Things to Watch Out For –
    As I said, some of the googly eyed paint jobs appear to be improving in more recent shipments, especially with Indy himself. Keep an eye out for the best you can find. Other than that, you should be smooth.

    toybox_052708_7.jpg

    Overall – Warrior ***1/2; Dovchenko ***; Indy **1/2
    It’s funny, but so far of the figures I’ve opened up, I generally like the work on the villains much more than on the good guys. That’s the case here again, where both Dovchenko and the Warrior are superior figures to the Indy.

    I’ve only opened two Indy’s so far, this one and the deluxe Cairo version with the Ark, but I have to say that the Cairo Indy is still my favorite. This one will make a good display with the Cairo Swordsman, but otherwise, isn’t particularly useful.

    I’d pick up the Warrior and Colonel though, to fill out the shelf with interesting villains a bit more. You can always use more bad guys, and both of these are done well.

    Where to Buy –
    These guys are at just about every major and minor retailer right now, from K-mart to Target. Get out there and go shopping!

    Related Links –
    I’ve already covered a number of new Indy products:

    – in the unusual category, there’s the Blockbuster exclusive DVD Case.
    – I reviewed the 12″ German and Cairo Swordsman, as well as both
    12″ Hasbro Indy’s.

    – in the smaller scale, I looked at some of the deluxe two packs
    and several of the single pack figures.

    – There’s a number of cool Lego sets, inlcuding this
    one
    .

    – Gentle Giant did a 7″ version for the Disney parks.

    – Disney has done a few other Indy figures, including this wave of small
    ones
    .

    – and if you’re looking for something a bit bigger, check out the very cool sixth scale Grail diary, or this
    sixth scale figure.

  • TV Or Not TV: 5/26 – 6/1

    tvornottv2.jpg

    Looking back at last week I feel very compelled to write about something that I think every single year but never vocalize: What American Idol is doing wrong.

    Yes, I watch American Idol. I can’t help it. It draws my attention every year in the same sadistic way that I have to look at an auto accident when passing by. After you get that first glance you can’t look away. Not everyone, however, watches American Idol and this year there were periods where the drop in viewers were press worthy. How is it that this show of Titanic size and momentum have these types of lulls? The answers, from this arm chair critics perspective, are very clear and I can’t believe that the show producers and the FOX network don’t have them as well.

    1. The weekly guest music professionals are as relevant as an 80’s newspaper would be today
    The American Idol demographic is young. Let’s be honest. With this single bit of knowledge how much do you think these young viewers are going to care about Neil Diamond, Dolly Parton or Andrew Lloyd Weber? The season frickin’ finale even had Grand Nash, Donna Summer, Bryan Adams and George “Busted in a Bathroom” Michael. Most twenty somethings wouldn’t even know who these people are, so it won’t draw them in as viewers. The logic of trying to cater to the parents of those that are actually watching is good on paper, but poor in execution.

    2. It doesn’t take an hour to give 10 minutes of results
    Does this one really even need explaining? Nothing screams filler more than medleys, guest artists most of the audience hasn’t heard of singing songs no one has heard of, and the worst offender of all: Ryan Seacrest taking PHONE CALLS! This isn’t a radio show Ryan, let it go. Special side note: it also doesn’t take two hours to tell us which of two people are taking the title. Stop trying to get Super Bowl numbers. Make it an hour and bring back the past Idol winners to perform because THAT works.

    3. Music is OK in movies, but plugging movies on American Idol doesn’t work
    It made a small part of me die inside to see Iron Man singing as a Pip to help push Tropic Thunder on the finale. Jim Carey’s week on the show was horribly embarrassing and I want to see The Love Guru even less than I did before seeing Mike Myers do his tired shtick on the finale. I’m sure the studios are throwing mega-dollars at the show to get them on but it just doesn’t work.

    4. Idol Gives Back? Please… Idol give up
    Don’t get me wrong, I like that the world has another telethon to enjoy, but the celebrity video montages make me cringe. There is a point where you approach being too self important, and Idol Gives Back does just that.

    These are my top four. I won’t go into any more because the reality is that what I type won’t change a thing. At least I feel better.

    It goes without saying that there is only one day this week that I am waiting for: Thursday. You can get a full three hours of the LOST finale this week when the first part that aired two week’s ago airs in the 8:00 PM slot tonight followed by the two hour season finale starting at 9:00 PM. The 8:00 PM repeat actually is an item of interest because the press conference with the Oceanic Six in this re-air actually has additional footage not originally aired.

    Now for the real reason you dropped in, to see everything that is (or in this case isn’t) on TV this week.

    MONDAY

    SCIFI – 8:00 AM: Nothing says the remembering of our nation’s heroes more then a Star Trek: Enterprise marathon.

    ABC – 8:00 PM: In Vacation Swap two families who have never met go on vacation together. How exactly is this a swap? This was more like my childhood every summer after we moved to a new neighborhood.

    CW – 8:00 PM: Gossip Girl is in repeats now so if you missed it the first go around (like me) than you can now watch it from the beginning (unlike me).

    A&E – 9:00 PM: Ridley and Tony Scott produced a modern retelling of The Andromeda Strain. Tonight is Part 1 and I hear it is the better of the two.

    TUESDAY

    FOX – 8:00 PM: Just when you thought it was safe to watch TV, it’s back! The Moment of Truth has returned to ruin friendships, marriages and lives.

    CW – 9:00 PM: Reaper is also starting over from the beginning. Drink it in.

    A&E – 9:00 PM: Part 2 of The Andromeda Strain.

    WEDNESDAY

    FX – 8:00 PM: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a bounty hunter who has to locate Sean William Scott in The Rundown. The movie is nothing but good absurd fun.

    VH1 – 9:00 PM: In case you missed the finale of Flavor of Love last week you can take it in again tonight, followed by the Reunion show. It’s trash-tastic.

    THURSDAY

    SCIFI – 7:00 PM – 11:00 PM: The SciFi channel is re-airing the 2002 miniseries Stephen King’s Rose Red. This is my suggestion if you aren’t in to…

    ABC – 8:00 PM – 11:00 PM: You can enjoy all three parts of the LOST season finale tonight. I don’t know how many questions will be answered, but I expect that by the end of this night we’ll know how Ben wound up in the desert in a parka, who was in the coffin in the last season finale, and the exact reason why Jack is so compelled to get back to the Island.

    FRIDAY

    ABC Family – 8:00 PM: See what life was like for Lindsey Lohan before all of her current problems in Mean Girls. It’s a much nicer version of Heathers for the current generation, with a far lower body count.

    ANIMAL PLANET – 8:00 PM: Get ready to oooh and ahhh watching Meerkat Manor: The Story Begins. I never would have thought I’d find a bunch of animals so compelling, but watching this you do.

    SATURDAY

    BRAVO – 8:00 PM: The original Major League had Charlie Sheen as a bad boy before we knew he really was one and an innocent looking Wesley Snipes. This movie also makes both baseball and Cleveland entertaining. It’s far more bubble gum than Bull Durham and is easy on the brain entertainment.

    SHO – 9:00 PM: The reset of the James Bond films was executed flawlessly with the new version of Casino Royale.

    SUNDAY

    MTV – 8:00 PM: Mike Myers is hosting this year’s MTV Movie Awards. I’m sure that another painful appearance of The Love Guru will occur, but try to not let that dissuade you.

    TNT – 8:00 PM: The movie that introduced us to the concept of the hooker with a heart of gold, Pretty Woman, is on. I think this movie is an award winner for the largest number of continuity errors on screen. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Watch as Julia Roberts is eating a pancake that goes from half eaten to whole again. See, I CAN give you a reason to watch the movie again!

    USA – 10:00 PM: If you feel like you’ve been seeing commercials for In Plain Sight for a while it is because you have (over six months to be exact). The good news is that it is worth the wait and once again USA is giving us a quality show. Mary McCormack turns in a great performance in this story of a woman secretly working as a US Marshall who hides people in the Witness Protection Program. This will also help you to kill time if you are waiting for…

    CARTOON NETWORK – 11:30 PM: The Venture Brothers is one of the most intelligently written cartoons to come along in a long time. It’s one of the few shows I’ve ever watched on Cartoon Network’s adult swim and I can’t tell you how much I’ve been looking forward to its return.

    Will Wilkins just got back from Disneyland and practically phoned this one in.

  • Trailer Park: Why Your Indiana Jones Isn’t As Good As Mine

    By Christopher Stipp

    The Archives, Right Here

    I’m awesome. I wrote a book. It’s got little to do with movies. Download and read “Thank You, Goodnight” right HERE for free.

    This is going to be different than an “I told you so” but looking at what I had to say about THE INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL trailer I can say with a bitty bit of confidence that no matter what you think of my solipsistic, ape-like ability to hammer this column out every single week there is a little bit of truth that I am able to eek out of these trailers which can, unfortunately, be quite revealing to me about why I have reservations about some of the most anticipated films.

    I damn near feel like one of those carnival barkers on Saturday mornings in between many a sports show admonishing you to call call call right now to get my free pick of the week. My ability to write about this crap certainly has been pleasurable every single week (sometimes) but it’s never fun to be disappointed at what most people would consider to be the messiah in celluloid shape.

    What seems to be the problem many critics are now having with JONES seems to be the very thing which is bright as any halogen spotlight in that trailer. This isn’t a review of the film but when I had the chance to be a part of the Sunday preview this week I just passed at the opportunity in lieu of hanging with 2 dozen mutant children at a birthday party; I didn’t have any inside information about the film but after these trailers and television spots I thought I pretty much knew what to expect.

    After reading the reviews that have slowly been oozing their way across the Intertubes I can’t say that I’m kicking myself for making the choice that I did. Certainly, all the hubbub regarding what in fact the crystal skull was and all the bullshit Cease and Desist letters that many sites were using as reasons for taking down images readily available (for anyone who needs a quick legal lesson on Cease and Desist letters for film sites here it is: They are calls/e-mails from studio representatives which provide access to these sites and they are done so as to preserve the movie slave’s free flow of information, to ensure their junket invite still arrives on time, that they’re still allowed to participate in set visits, etc…Just imagine what it would be like if the drama club were actually cool, that this was still high school and that the drama club was the one thing everyone wanted to be in.) and all the hoopla about a movie, if you looked at it close enough, wasn’t that thrilling.

    I guess it smarts in a way that this movie has fallen short of unreachable expectations, no one likes to see Harrison Ford ambling around like a grandfather in a role known for lots of physicality, but the fact is that he’s getting up there in age, we’ve all grown up (some of us) and anyone who can look at this franchise with the same awe and wonder as many of us do to the first three films (and, really, let’s all face facts regarding the 3rd installment) and just leave it at that? No, because that would be admitting that there is something inherently wrong about the character but these do not have to be mutually exclusive movies. You can have a clunker in there and still retain that Soul Glo of the trilogy but I think, and I am writing this on Monday night as many of the critics are unleashing their reviews, you will see a lot of that nostalgia permeate the very same reviews which should stand alone; you can’t really tie this 4th installment to the other three as it would be just as unfair to besmirch the good name of STAR WARS just because PHANTOM MENACE was a piece of dog shit.

    That’s just me, though, and I realize many of you are already sold on what is the next messiah on celluloid. If you could do me an honest favor, bookmark this rant and come back to me next year when you’ve had a chance to really soak in the film and let me know if I’m wrong? I would like nothing more than than to say this 4th part is just as worthy to stand next to the 3rd, not just as a good action movie, we all know Spielberg can crap those out on a whim, but a movie that still genuinely embodies that sense of mid-century adventure when serials and mindless derring-do was the thing that made movies fun.

    Somehow I think that bit will be lost in all the marketing.

    SANGRE DE MI SANGRE (2008)

    Director: Christopher Zalla
    Cast: Armando Hernandez, Jorge Adrian Espindola, Jesus Ochoa, Paola Mendoza
    Release:
    May 16, 2008
    Synopsis: Winner of the Best Film at the Sundance Film Festival (under its former title Padre Nuestro), SANGRE DE MI SANGRE is an exhilarating and provocative thriller from newcomer Christopher Zalla exposing the dark side of the American dream. A young Mexican immigrant, Pedro (Jorge Adrian Espindola), journeys to New York City in search of the successful father he’s never met only to have his belongings and identity stolen by a conniving thief, Juan (Armando Hernandez). As Pedro is left alone and unable to communicate in a country foreign to him, Juan cons his way into the home of Pedro’s father, Diego (Jesus Ochoa), finding a man just as flawed as he is. While Juan attempts to reinvent himself, Pedro’s only hope lies with a mysteriously complex prostitute, Magda (Paola Mendoza), as he frantically searches for his identity back.

    View Trailer:
    * Large (QuickTime)

    Prognosis: Positive. Arizona is a funky kind of place to live.

    When you’re here, it feels like any other dustbowl that gets to 120 in the July without even trying, it looks like any other cramped and forced suburbia where the homes are all made out of stucco and are no more than 10 feet apart and it has a way of looking desperate and isolated when you fly in here and see that we’re literally one big mass surrounded by an unforgiving desert of nothingness.

    Plus, we’re pretty much a lightning rod for immigration reform.

    You’ve got some yahoos on one side saying that all illegals should be tossed back to Mexico, you’ve got others who say that English as a Second Language programs should be a part of the state funded curriculum and you even have lots of people debating the merits of whether illegals should be allowed to partake of government programs. On a daily basis this debate rages on in the news but all I want to know is whether the Cubs won another game. That said, though, this movie looks absolutely amazing with regard to getting down to the dangers of what happens when Mexicans want to try and make a go at life here in America, illegally, and run into the kind of drophouse scenarios that happen on a routine basis.

    When we open on this trailer we thankfully have a voice over that’s not intrusive as it is helpful to explain what we have: simply, one Mexican meets another on their way to a better life in America. Simple, cut and dry.

    What’s more is that the story gets thrilling and even exciting for me when the voice over lets us know that this is a tale of one kid who is genuinely looking for his father in New York while the other guy plans to take advantage of this and beat him to it, and exploit the situation to his favor. I damn near get my jollies when we see that the bad guy beat the other to the punch and we’re instantly tossed to the Sundance, Winner, Best Film logo. Brilliant. It’s perfectly placed, it comes at just the right time and you are unable to do anything else but watch further to find out what is going to happen next.

    What follows, the guy supping at this other kid’s father like a leech by taking money and comfort from this unsuspecting dude who thinks this is his son, is delicately followed by positive reviews from the Los Angeles Times, Boston Globe and others. In this trailer it just helps to keep the visibility and credibility of what it’s trying to sell you. And, as you see the kid who really is the guy’s father hot on the tail of the weasel who is bilking him, the tension is wonderfully understated but wholly present.

    The subsequent cut scenes that follow when the OG child finds out another has been sleeping in his bed and eating his porridge run rings around any thriller that I have had the misfortune to try to be sold on this year; I’m really concerned about who is going to beat who to the literal punch by the time all is revealed at the end. I’m just as ready to fork over my cash at the end of this trailer as anyone else should be to find out how this all plays out.

    BAGHEAD (2008)

    Director: Jay Duplass, Mark Duplass
    Cast: Steve Zissis, Ross Partridge, Greta Gerwig, Elise Muller
    Release:
    June 13, 2008
    Synopsis: While the Duplass Brothers were shooting their last feature film The Puffy Chair, a crew member raised the question “what’s the scariest thing you can think of?” Someone immediately said “a guy with a bag on his head staring into your window.” Some agreed, but some thought it was downright ridiculous and, if anything, funny (but definitely not scary). Thus, BAGHEAD was born, an attempt to take the absurdly low-concept idea of a “guy with a bag on his head” and make a funny, truthful, endearing film that, maybe, just maybe, was a little bit scary, too.

    View Trailer:
    * Large (QuickTime)

    Prognosis: Positive. Brilliant.

    I swear, you do enough of these trailer reviews and you start to wonder whether it is possible to be original and fresh with regard to making you feel connected to a film and energize you to open your mind to what’s on the screen. I’m here to say that it is possible and that this trailer deserves a few viewings in order to see how good this thing is built from the ground up.

    First, you have a plucky musical score behind the opening sequence. It sets the mood perfectly as we open on a car rolling down an empty and hollow road. As well, we’re entertained to the entire plot of the movie. We hear why these people are where they are, why it’s important to keep tuned in and why this makes a good movie. Hell, we get it all of this within the first 10 seconds.

    This is the first reason why this trailer is great.

    Second, boom, we’re hit with the Official Sundance logo. Perfect, perfect, perfect. I realize no one of great importance reads this column but I am thankful to the silent stars that someone gets the notion that you need to put these accolades in the front, not to bury it in the middle or end when I’ve made up my mind to forget your film. This just helps to solidify the pedigree of the movie and it works even better, as this trailer does, when we’re smacked with the idea that the movie these four people are going to make in the woods comes about due to a dream. Or is it?

    This is the second reason why this trailer is great.

    As we entrench ourselves into the unique and very original premise of this film there is a sense of interest I don’t usually get out of my trailers. I actually found myself glued to what was coming next. The baghead premise is one that is both funny and scary when you feel like something’s not going to turn out right. When one of the four members of the film shoot for the weekend express a desire to have his part written as the romantic interest of one of the ladies in the group you can already feel the double tension building.

    The quotes, the many many quotes, genuinely help to ballast the reputation of this film’s thesis that it’s a film worth watching in its entirety. The tension then continues to build between the guys for the affections of the ladies and then the grizzly idea that this baghead is indeed a psychopathic element that is actually happening. It’s funny, to be sure, when one of the ladies meets with a baghead (Is he/she real? Is someone really going to die?) only to admit at the breakfast table when no one fesses up to them being it that the baghead, then, has seen her naked. It’s funny/scary at the same time.

    The ending’s quick cuts, normally a bane of every shitty and shoddy trailer which employs them, actually increases the uneasy sense that this movie is more than just about 4 people wanting to make a movie; it seems like a bizarre combination to have but this really does seem like a tasty Twix and Oreo combo with a hearty glass of milk.

    Yum.

    BIGGER, STRONGER, FASTER* (2008)

    Director: Christopher Bell
    Cast: Hulk Hogan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone
    Release:
    May 30, 2008
    Synopsis: In America, we define ourselves in the superlative: we are the biggest, strongest, fastest country in the world. We reward speed, size and above all else: winning – at sport, at business and at war. Metaphorically we are a nation on steroids. Is it any wonder that so many of our heroes are on performance enhancing drugs? From the producers of Bowling For Columbine and Fahrenheit 9/11 comes a new film that unflinchingly explores our win-at-all-cost culture through the lens of a personal journey. Blending comedy and pathos, BIGGER, STRONGER, FASTER* is a collision of pop culture, animated sequences and first-person narrative, with a diverse cast including US Congressmen, professional athletes, medical experts and everyday gym rats. At its heart, this is the story of director Christopher Bell and his two brothers, who grew up idolizing muscular giants like Hulk Hogan, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and who went on to become members of the steroid-subculture in an effort to realize their American dream. When you discover that your heroes have all broken the rules, do you follow the rules, or do you follow your heroes?

    View Trailer:
    * Large (QuickTime)

    Prognosis: Positive. Goddamn!

    I’d like to consider myself worldly enough in assuming that I’ve seen almost anything and everything. I realize the occasional off-beat news story about some high school PE teacher having her way with a female student is the one off exception to that rule, however, a trailer like this that repulses me from the get go deserves the distinction of WTF Of The Week.

    When we meet Valentino, a meathead of the very highest order, rank and distinction, he is perhaps the one thing that could have drew me in to seeing INDIANA JONES the very first week of release. Since he isn’t, and he’s in this documentary, you can bet my jones is finding out how a freak like this guy literally was able to make his bicep bigger than the vertical circumference of his head. If you’re not impressed by this guy’s addiction to steroid use you need to lay off those fetish porn sites.

    Valentino’s further introduction, made quite personal by his real honest interview where he’s the first to admit that his freakish appearance does not impress the ladies, anchors this documentary in a space where it’s less sensational than it is an examination into what might be at the forefront for the culture of physical power we’ve seemed to engender here in America.

    I will say from an aesthetic point of view this trailer goes further than the MTV, True Life-ization, surface investigation into what makes steroids such an attractive alternative to these men who think that their idols such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hulk Hogan were physical templates they needed to live up to, literally, and they incorporate war imagery in a way that makes me pause for a moment. I don’t quite know how initially the two square but as the narrative unfurls a little further we see that this is an American culture we’re talking about, one where you need to be able and strike fast and hard. Without steroids, it seems to imply, there couldn’t have been a triumphant Rocky, a liberating Rambo or even a defeat of Andre the Giant.

    It’s about at this point when we get “From the Producers Of BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE and FAHRENHEIT 9/11 that I have drank the Kool-Aid for this thesis; not that I’m any believer in the totality of either production, mind you. There were more than enough issues and factual misrepresentations and leaps of logic we all could back a Mack truck into but the way in which the information in those two films were presented at least had a nice gloss to it.

    I’m even jolted back to sympathy when we get a voice over from one of three brothers who are profiled in this movie. When he comments that, as a bodybuilder, he was affected by the revelations that Hogan and his other heroes were absolutely taking things into their bodies to enhance their physical appearance that normal weight lifting simply could not do you are brought down to a genuine tale of conflict. And, when he says that two of his brothers currently do take steroids to enhance their physicality you can’t help but be affected by it.

    As well, one of the things that bring this message home is perhaps one of the most point blank, reflexive questions: In order to provide for your family and in order to keep your job would you take steroids? I know for some of you who don’t have either this is a moot question but just softening your focus on this question and thinking of someone else other than yourself kind of brings this debate to one of personal responsibility and the What If questions that easily makes this trailer poignant if nothing else.

    The hideous visage of a “woman” who is so obviously afflicted with small nuts and a dude’s voice is enough for any person to go clean, the hilarious steroid fueled cow is a sight that almost trumps Valentino’s bizarre in all its bizarre physicality and one air force pilot’s assertion that in sports you should play fair and, in war, you shouldn’t play fair at all. Again, it’s a flashy sound bite that made COLUMBINE and 9/11 such documentary darlings.

    And, when, one guys talks about how people cheat to get ahead and they flash images of nutritional supplements and politicians, the video image of George Bush is enough to induce a few laughs.