Hello children. Georgia Malone reporting from my first Comic Con – and not just San Diego. I’ve never seen anything like this before. But, as a favor to a friend, I agreed to give you a report from the only panel I felt sober enough to attend, The Zack and Miri Make a Porno panel hosted by Kevin Smith.

Kevin showed a clip of the upcoming film featuring two surprise casting choices which resulted in cheers, giggles and gasps of disbelief!! “OMG!!! NO WAY!!!! SPOILER!! The Mac guy is Superman’s boyfriend!! And WTF?? They just totally kissed!!!”

After the clip, Kevin took the stage as moderator and introduced his panel: Scott Mosier, Ricky Mabe, Justin Long (Surprise!), Katie Morgan, Traci Lords, Jason Mewes, Seth Rogen, and Elizabeth Banks. He immediately began taking questions.

• Question #1. How essential is film school? Well, Kevin thinks film school is not all that essential and said that he would rather sink the money into a picture. Seth added that he doesn’t think people should have to go to REGULAR school either.

• No big stories to tell about the production of Zack and Miri except that Kevin ate a lot, gained a shit ton of weight and it fucked with his asshole quite a bit. Seth said, “same thing. When movies go well there is never a good story. It was boringly enjoyable. If I have one more fucking great day, I’ll kill myself.”

• Two kids dressed as Jay and Bob asked “if you’re having trouble with the censors, when those problems arise, how do you decide what has to go?” Kevin said that the NC -17 was disappointing, and he feels that the movie is a hard R, but not an NC-17. He trimmed the movie two other times and feels he’s gone as far as he can go without fucking with his original vision of the movie. The MPAA is going to battle over 2 scenes/about 12 seconds of film. Kevin explained that one scene contains a lot of thrusting and the other contains something so fucking unspeakable that no one can even see it. He reminds us that ratings are for our own protection.
• What is it like to be working under Kevin Smith? Elizabeth said working for Kevin was “joyful but if you’re really under him it’s hard to breathe.” Seth didn’t think so, if you get your elbows underneath. Justin thinks Seth is a natural bottom. Jason is used to being under Kevin and sucks his balls.

• Katie says that Kevin is by far the most amazing director she’s ever worked for. Kevin reminded her that she’s only worked for one other director. Seth, reminded Kevin, “yeah but that guy’s made like 700 movies.”

• SPOILER!!! Justin remembered that when he had to Kiss Brandon Routh, he had a temperature of 102. Despite Brandon’s confidence that he never gets sick, Justin was shocked to learn that Brandon became extremely ill after they shot the scene. Seth wondered whether Justin felt powerful knowing that his kiss made Superman sick . . .”Like Superman 2 sick!”

• Ricky said he was just a kid from Canada who was happy to be there.

• Jay Mewes doesn’t know when he’ll be in another movie because he sucks at auditions.

• At the microphone, someone asked Kevin how he managed to create two of the most loveable characters in cinematic history. “How did you make them so loveable?” The answer yelled out from the crowd . . . “Marijuana!!”
• The “Crazy for Cult” Art show will have more of the same kind of art that was featured last year.
• Seth admits to smoking marijuana, but not while he’s filming. “The days are just too long, but pretty soon after we’re done filming . . .”
• Kid at the microphone says “my mom’s here, so I’m going to pretend I don’t know who Katie Morgan is.” Then, he asked Kevin, “How do you shoot sex? In your other movies, they talk a lot.” Kevin said that he wanted it to look better than his other movies, and said that he and Dave Klein worked hard so that this one looks like a real movie. At the same time, he said that nobody wants to see his version of sex . . . He’s a bottom. He explained in great detail what sex with him would look like and noted, “It should be an AWESOME ride home with your mom.”
• Guy in a Snoogans shirt from the Medieval Times Restaurant in Buena Park was astonished that they tore down the Mooby’s set from Clerks II, and wondered whether Kevin would ever open a chain of Mooby’s restaurants. Kevin said that they had to get rid of the stench from the donkey show and that he has no intention of ever entering the food service industry. He said that he worked hard to get out of the food service industry and that he doesn’t want people like him working for him.

• Kid asked Kevin how he picks the songs for his movies. Kevin acknowledged that he picks the songs by listening to his iPod. Seth and Justin were impressed with the kid’s three-way nun chucks.
• Kevin agreed with the audience member who suggested that society has become more accepting of adult humor. In response to her follow-up question, he says that the only subject that he feels is too raunchy for him to touch in his movies is “rape.” The crowd shouts out reminders of the movie Vulgar. Kevin is astonished by the “pro rape” members of the audience and cautions the women to exit the other side of the building.
• Any more sequels to Jay and Silent Bob? Kevin says “No. Probably not. Maybe in 10 years.” Seth suggests, “Coming in 2010—Jay Rapes Silent Bob.” But, Kevin doesn’t think there is anything for them to talk about even when they are in their 40’s, and it would be sad if Randal and Dante were still clerkin’.
• Traci acknowledged that she is notorious for her earlier experiences in adult entertainment because she was a “child star” in the porn industry, but she maintains that the events around her 18th birthday were very complicated. Kevin called her the Miley Cyrus of porn.

• How does Kevin deal with all of his crazy fans? “From behind a microphone, usually.” He feels that stalkers are born out of an inability to access the object of their affections, but “you can’t get away from me.” Seth encouraged people to stalk him and send him their hair.
• The inspiration for Zack and Miri came in 1996. He said that his movies are all a little bit like porn, in that “anybody can make ’em.”
• Kevin acknowledges that he didn’t have a problem with the casts’ improvisations because Seth and the others were able to give him usable stuff. He complimented everyone saying that they were very gifted at making their adlibs sound like they were coming from the characters he had written.
• After moderating a BSG panel the previous day, Kevin reported that he was not able to get Lucy Lawless to tell him who the final Cylon is.
• And then there was the one and only Green Hornet question of the day: Have Kevin and Seth shared any notes or insights? They said that they haven’t really talked about it. Kevin mentioned that Seth had more freedom in writing his script, and Seth added that it’s not weird that projects go from person to person around town among comedy writers. He said that it’s an incestuous group. He also said that Sony’s only note to him was that Kato had to be Asian.
• Kevin is not planning to make any documentaries, and Scott does not have a sweet ass camper anymore.

• The Holy Christ Smodcast was just a joke. They are not making a film about a 100ft Mos infused with the power of Satan or about Jesus who knew Judo and Satan who only knew old fashioned fisticuffs boxing. They had fun talking about it, but it’s just “not a feature.”

• Kevin is writing a Batman miniseries for DC that Walt Flanagan drawing.
• He did not give Bruce Willis a hard time for not writing back on Jersey Girl. “Does that question even need answering at this point?”
• Kevin said he would love to write a Court Room Drama someday and laughed at the idea of a Court Room Drama Musical? He was totally serious about writing and directing a courtroom drama movie, btw.
• He said he is working on expanding his visual style and that it took him a long time to care about the way his pictures looked. He mentioned that we should be able to see evidence of it in the upcoming Red State and in his next movie after that. Next MOVIE after Red State? WHAT?!?! He said it was too early to give any details, but he did mention that it is “set in space.”
• Elizabeth said that playing Laura Bush is just like playing a porn star . . .only the hair is different. Seth pointed out that she wouldn’t have to change her name.

• Ricky said that he loves boobies.

• Despite one audience member’s enthusiasm, Kevin is doubtful that the “Porno Comedy” genre will take off and get it’s own section at Blockbuster. But if it does happen, he said, “we will all remember this moment.”

• And finally, to the one last kid who didn’t get to ask his question because the Comic Con employee jumped in the line and asked his question instead . . . just wanted you to know that I noticed, and you’re right. It was bullshit. That guy was a douche bag.

That’s all I have for now, kids. If you need me, I’ll be in the bar.

-Georgia

Comments: 2 Comments

2 Responses to “San Diego Comic-Con 2008: ZACK & MIRI MAKE A PORNO Panel” Watchmen1 Says: July 29th, 2008 at 2:59 pm Nice rundown. Best I have seen from San Diego. Mike Says: July 29th, 2008 at 6:27 pm Nice but… video would have been cooler :S Leave a Reply Name (required) Mail (will not be published) (required) Website Δ