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PAHRUMP - Call it Hof Vegas. Dennis Hof of HBO’s Cathouse no longer wants me to warn readers that his Bunny Ranch empire is in only Reno and not Las Vegas. He’s bringing his style of adult fun to the outskirts of Sin City. He called up the hotline from the middle of Crystal, Nevada to spread the news. The sounds of hammering and drills came from his end of the phone.

“We’re moving around here and getting some things done,” Dennis Hof said. “I bought two 35 year old rundown, rat trap brothels. What you’re buying is the licenses.”

The two old names were Cherry Patch Ranch and Mabel’s Whore House. The new places are Love Ranch and Dennis Hof’s Cathouse. “Those are name that are synonymous with good times.”

There are no good times for the former owner. He got arrested for bribing a county official. Dennis found himself in a unique position to double up his business.

“He had to sell the place,” Dennis said. “There’s not a worse time in American history to sell a brothel. Nobody has any money. Nobody is investing in any businesses. I came in and bought the two places. I’m going through a massive renovation. I’m going to make it all work. Do my magic. I’m doing the same thing I did to the Bunny Ranch 18 years ago except I’m doing in Southern Nevada where the weather is better in the winter.”

This extremely true since it can be in the mid-80s in Las Vegas while Reno freezes. The new location also means exposure to more tourists than the number that visit the Biggest Little City in the world.

“The difference is instead of having 8 million people to draw from in Reno-Tahoe, I’ve got 40 million in Las Vegas,” Hof said. He’s realistic in his projection about how many people will want to visit his new houses. “We don’t need that much. If you got 10 percent of 40 million, you got 4 million clients. I can’t handle that. If you got one percent, it’s 400,000. I can’t handle that. If you get a tenth of one percent, that’s 40,000 clients a year. That’s fine. That’s what I need.”

For a few years there was sense that legal brothels would be allowed inside the city limits of Las Vegas. In the end the politicians couldn’t allow this vice to taint their Sin City. Hof’s two new brothels are the closest legal locations to the Strip. There’s plenty of illegal action in the casinos and hotels. The city is filled with ads for ladies promising In Room Entertainment ladies. They’re not magicians, but they will perform plenty of tricks. Of course the strangest trick is a transformation as they rarely appear as the performer promised. Is Las Vegas ready for a business where the woman on the website looks like the one you have the date with?

“I’m going to make them ready for me,” Hof declared. “My new campaign is Las Vegas: America’s Sexual Cesspool. What happens in Las Vegas, you take home to your wife. I’ve got lots of ammo to back that up. In Nevada, the legal business in 30 years of mandatory checks has never had a case of HIV. The illegal business in Las Vegas, there’s been 400 girls arrested and forced to take a test and shown to have HIV. It’s horrifying. I’m going to change all that.

“The city needs to be outed for enabling all this to happen. The mayor comes out says there’s 3,000 active pimps working Las Vegas and 30,000 girls. If you know that, do something about it. And if you don’t do something about it and your tourists are getting diseases, aren’t you responsible for it?”

Hof wants people who contract VD in Las Vegas to sue the city for refusing to allow the legal brothel system to operate in city limits while the illegal prostitution rackets thrive. “It’s a far out concept. But I don’t know if it is or not.”

He’s quite happy in his new location of the small town of Crystal. It’s not too far away from Vegas. “Depends on how you come and where you’re at,” Hof said. “If you’re close to Freemont, it’s 45 minutes. If you’re in the heart of Las Vegas and coming through Pahrump, it’s an hour.” The population is only 107, but expect that number to grow.

“We got a dozen girls now. Eight working and four on vacation. When we get more rooms done, we’ll expand to the next level,” Hof said. It’s very hard to create an intimate mood with a “Pardon Our Dust” sign above the bed.

“We want the place to look nice and the girls to be proud of where they’re working. We’re working hard on it. It’s going to be great. I don’t have the same construction constraints that I have up there. Here I can plan this paradise as a beautiful resort destination with a swimming pool, jacuzzis and palm trees.”

You should be able to watch the progress of Dennis Hof’s Cathouse thanks to his new neighbor: Heidi Fleiss. She’s helping him on the reality show about upgrading the old buildings. Extreme Ho House Makeover is the current title. Although I suggested the more direct Pimp My Brothel.

There were reports on the internet that Hof was marrying Heidi Fleiss. Hof explained how the rumored nuptials. “That goes back a few years ago when Heidi got out of Celebrity Rehab. She flashbacked on when we split up.” She thought Dennis was going to marry her, but he said he couldn’t marry someone on drugs. He told her that when she’s off drugs, they’d talk about it. “She had this flashback and put out a press release saying that we were getting married. And I’m like ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ She said, ‘You told me.’ I said, ‘You’re right. I absolutely did say that. But I’m not in the marrying mood right now.’”

This explains why you didn’t hear about them being registered at Crate and Barrel.

Hof is still a relatively single man although he’s hooked up with Cami Parker.

“Cami is wonderful,” Hof said. “She likes girls so we get along really well with that. Girlfriend in my vernacular is the girl I sleep with the most. I tend to wake up with her more than anybody.”

She’s also his second girlfriend in a row that’s found herself featured in Hustler. How did this honor come about?

“Went to lunch with her and Larry Flint and he fell in love with her,” Hof admits. ?
Air Force Amy, Brooke Taylor and Dennis ended up on episodes of Judge Jeanine Pirro. Dennis was collecting from a deadbeat client that didn’t think he had to pay for a girl-girl show. It was interesting to note that under normal legal circumstances, Dennis would be the defendant. But here he was using the law to get what’s owed.

“Ain’t that something,” Hof said. “What a turn around that is. I’ve taken this business from guilt and shame to glamour and fame. If you’re a Bunny Ranch girl now, you’re walking through an airport, they love you. Eighteen years ago, nobody would admit you worked at the Bunny Ranch.”

Cathouse favorite Air Force Amy isn’t hanging around any of the houses at the current time. “She’s gone. We have a love-hate relationship with Amy. We love her when she’s clean and sober. When the twelve step program doesn’t work, the thirteenth step is out the door. If she straightens out, we got something to talk about.”

Those interested in meeting adult superstar Sunny Lane need to make appointment. “Sunny hasn’t been working much. She’s been doing a few more movies and fell in love. This year she’s backed off some.”

The legendary Chasey Lane has signed up to work in Crystal, but there’s a hitch.

“She has not got here yet,” Hof said. “We’re taking appointments for her. We’re trying to find out what her arrest record is. She doesn’t even know. She went through a little wild child stage. We’re trying to get that all worked out. Each county in Nevada has different rules. The county by Las Vegas, if you have a marijuana arrest, it’s OK long as you haven’t gotten in trouble since then. Our county in Northern Nevada say no. We want you to wait five years. That’s the way it is. She is going to work. It’s just which place and how soon.”

Southwest Air flies to both Vegas and Reno so you can change your flight depending where she ends up.

“Whomever parties with this girl will not forget it,” Hof promised. You’ll be humming “The Ballad of Chasey Lain” by the Bloodhound Gang afterward.

Joe Pesci and Helen Mirren’s Love Ranch caused a bit of controversy when the producers attempted to go after Dennis for naming his second brothel the Love Ranch. Dennis wasn’t backing down since the screenwriter got the name from Dennis. Turns out that things worked themselves out without a protracted legal battle. Also didn’t hurt that the film completely tanked over the summer.

“It’s a shame they didn’t make some money cause I would have got a bunch of it,” Hof said. “It is my federal trademark, but I cut them some slack. (Director) Taylor Hackford acknowledged me at the premiere and had me stand up. That was nice of him.”

Dennis plans on stocking DVDs of the films in the gift shops of his two Love Ranches. He’ll probably end up making more money than the producers.

Also on the shelves of the gift shops are bottles of Dennis’ award winning hot sauce. There as hot on the label as the contents. “The Bunny of the month gets her own hot sauce. They’re turning into collector’s items. The girls sign them,” Hof said. With any luck, he’ll be starting a hot sauce of the month club for folks who want heat on their spice rack. You can get more info on the sauce by visiting Loveranch.net and bunnyranch.com.

In a time where companies are refusing to grow that Hof is doubling his business. Although by giving clients a Love Ranch in both cities, he can save money by doubling up orders of matchbooks and business cards. He’s also figuring out ways to be in two places in the same day.

“I’m going back and forth as needed. What I need to do is buy an airplane. I’m going to charter a plane for a while to see if I really enjoy it as much as I think I will.” The road between Reno and Vegas takes him about 6 hours versus a barely two hour trip by air.

Strangely enough there is no nickname for people who live between Reno and Vegas. Bi-vadian is my suggestion.

Hof boosted the local economy when he purchased numerous mattresses for the new locations at the locally owned Building 160.

“We want to spend money where we make it. We want to buy things in that community. We want to give back to the community. It’s been a successful formula for 18 years. I love it that way.”

The recent bedbug infestation news can have nasty consequences in an industry that relies heavily on mattresses. “One of the reason we got rid of them all is we’re scared to death of bedbugs. One of the mattresses we threw away had a sticker from 1978 on it. How much action has that mattress seen? Most of these mattresses were worn out ten years ago.”

There’s no plans yet for Hof to make a guest appearance on Pawn Stars. “I should do that,” Hof declared. “Bring some brothel memorabilia over there.” It will be TV history with the meeting of Bunny Love with Chumlee. With any luck, they’d become a reality TV could nicknamed ChumLove.

The next installment of HBO’s Cathouse is slatted for December 16. “Our ninth year. Can you believe it?” Dennis points out. “And we’re going to do a tenth year.” The show is still one of the highest viewed options on HBO’s OnDemand channel. Cathouse: The Specials comes out on DVD the Tuesday before the new episode.

In the midst of the job crisis, Dennis is getting plenty of resumes from around the country. What helps an applicant get to the top of the pile? “Personality, People skills, desire, hotness….the hotness is all subjective. People skills, personality and desire rules.”

The there are also traits that get instant rejection. “People who have substance abuse issues. Drama. If they can’t live in a dormitory-type environment,” Hof listed.

Age is not an issue. “As long as a girl takes care of herself,” Hof qualified. “Some people look pretty hot at different ages.”

While the southern version of the Love Ranch is operating, it will be a little bit longer before the grand opening of Dennis Hof’s Cathouse. “Probably six months,” he projected. “I’m working with the architect right now. When we go, we’re going big and fast with the construction.”

Will there be a Subway subs next to the new gift shop? Dennis had joked in the past that he bought the Bunny Ranch because Subway wouldn’t let him acquire a franchise. Will Jared be cutting the ribbon to open up the Cathouse?

“After all these years, Subway should be begging me to have one,” Dennis said. “I’m going to open up a restaurant in the one. It’s going to basically be a Waffle House. I love Waffle House. I think every guy does. It’s quick, clean, convenient, filling and the price is right. I’m going to open up a mini-Waffle House. Same kind of menu.”

Speaking from experience, Sunday morning waffles with the bunnies ought to be on your bucket list. It is so much better than breakfast with the Disney characters. Just be careful with what you do with the syrup.

Besides his own show and construction, Dennis is helping two productions about the horrors of prostitution in Las Vegas. The city is notorious for underaged girls and smuggled in illegal aliens from Eastern Europe.

“Once they understand the risks for disease, that’s enough to get you to drive 45 minutes,” Hof said. “When you call a girl in Las Vegas, you don’t know if you’re going to get a cop.”

We joke about him hiring any ex-female cops for clients that have a fetish about being caught in a sting.

Ultimately Dennis Hof wants to fill the void left by the death of Danny Gans. He’s aiming to be the number one entertainer. He wants to put the Sin back in Sin City without the annoying rash.

RALLY FOR A VIEW

This was going to be an amazing recap of covering the Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear. Except by the time we made it to the National Mall, we didn’t come close to having a view. The crowd was overflowing onto side streets. We struggled against a sea of humanity to barely squeeze in at 7th Street. Unlike Glenn Beck’s crowd, nobody was sitting back in their lawn chairs with footrests with personal space. It was body against body. Only a Japanese subway pervert would feel comfortable in the crush.

We didn’t have a view of the stage or the giant video screens. The speakers weren’t even close to us. It was easy to suspect the Daily Show didn’t expect this huge of a crowd. Since we didn’t pay $100 to get into the Mall, it wasn’t a moment that pissed us off. We were just thrilled to be there to know that we would be part of the little dots in the rear on the crowd shots. The place was filled with the kids who grew up reading Mad Magazine, watching the early seasons of Saturday Night Live and quoting Monty Python sketches. There wasn’t a comic book store open on the East Coast that Saturday afternoon. All the cool smarmy kids had gathered just to hang out.

Here’s a short film guide to what it’s like to take a baby to one of these events in D.C.

The two themes of the Rally came into play as we were leaving. A three story tall escalator to the L’Enfant Plaza Metro station malfunctioned. People were being hurled downward like a mechanical version of a flash flood. Those of us on nearby stopped escalator reached over to grab people and pull them over to safety. It was a major mess with people sent to the hospital. It confirmed both Colbert’s belief that robots are out to get us and Stewart’s belief that only on TV and in Congress do people prove to be dicks based on stupid criteria. Those of us on the stopped escalator reached to grab people without asking them about their political beliefs. No litmus test was necessary for aid. We helped because we knew that is what you do in that situation. You don’t pontificate. You do what’s necessary for survival.

POP ROCKS AND SPACE DUST

The Obscuricon looks at vintage commercials for the two powdered treats that were rumored to be lethal.

CHRISTMAS CASH FOR CAGE

Once again, my offer to pay Nic Cage $20 to play me in my family’s Christmas morning video is under the tree. This might be the break through project to make Nic a respected actor once more. He doesn’t need a bad rug to capture the true me. As a bonus, I’m also offering Mel Gibson $20 to play my father. Unlike Todd Phillips, I’m cool with Mel making a cameo in my production. No whiney little bitches will prevent Mel from sitting in a recliner and screaming to not open anything until mom gets back from the kitchen. Tyler Perry will be playing my mother. If Cage and Gibson don’t come through, I’ll have to once more call up Marjoe Gortner and Ahmet Zappa.

GYPSY COMES ALIVE

Mystery Science Theater 3000: XIX would be worth nabbing just for the Gypsy figurine. The robot that operated all the functions on the Satellite of Love gets jumbo love. She’s the one who looked like office chairs attached to a giant plastic pipe. The figurine is suitable for a place of honor on your mantelpiece. But there’s plenty more treats outside of the toy. The four titles this time around include one of the greatest names in bad movies and a legendary matinee stinker. All are ready for to be roasted by Joel, Mike, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot. Robot Monster is another entry from the first season with Dr. Laurence Erhardt (J. Elvis Weinstein) as part of the mad scientists. Robot Monster is iconic for have a monster that’s has the body of a gorilla and the head of a deep sea diving mask made to look like a TV. The film is so short that we get two installments from the “Commander Cody & the Radar Men from the Moon” serial. Bride of the Monster battles Joel and the Bots against Ed Wood, Bela Lugosi and Tor Johnson. This is a battle royale of wits and wonks. The short “Hired! Part 1″ gets turned into a musical by the crew. Isn’t it about time this comes to Broadway? “Devil Doll” is an eight season entry with Mike Nelson now in control. The film is rather disturbing with a hypnotic ventriloquist and his dummy taking over London. The gang get into the evil dummy jokes. “Devil Fish” is an Italian ocean horror flick directed by Lamberto Bava. It’s an early attempt at Sharktopus. There’s a lot of beer drinking at sea from the crew in this Jaws clone. While you think the comedy dates itself, Tom Servo jokes about For Colored Girls over a decade before Tyler Perry made the film.

http://www.shoutfactory.com/av/mst3k/vol_xix/MST19_Deluxe-Trailer-512K.mov

There are plenty of bonus features packed in this boxset. A new Introduction By J. Elvis Weinstein lets him chat more about the show. Larry Blamire Reflects On Robot Monster. He understands the joy of the giant gorilla suit. There are short films about Bride Of The Monster and Devil Doll. The big treat is an hour long panel from CONvergence 2009 with Joel, Frank and Mary Jo Pehl giving the stories beyond the screen. There’s four little posters perfect for decorating your locker at the golf club. Most importantly is that figurine of Gypsy that will fit perfectly between your Oscar and Nobel Prize.
DVD SHELF

Bing Crosby: The Television Specials Volume 2 - The Christmas Specials has arrived just in time for the holidays. It wasn’t truly the holidays until the legendary crooner with his family arrived in your living room with “White Christmas.” Four complete specials from 1961 to 1977 are included in the collection. The first special has Terry-Thomas and Ron Moody in Bing’s special from England. its’ not really a holiday special outside of one song. The big surprise is Bob Hope’s cameo. The 1962 special bring color to Bing’s TV world. The show isn’t completely about Christmas. Mary Martin and Andre Previn join him for a big musical segment of Santa cheer. Don’t settle for cheap substitutes with Jessica Simpson and Clay Aiken. A bonus feature includes “Happy Holidays with Bing and Frank.” The audio track of this color short was part of my Christmas CD rotation in late December. Now the visual component can brighten up the Advent action. “Bing Crosby and the Sounds of Christmas” brings out the Crosby family in 1971. The big guest star is Robert Goulet (Atlantic City). His mustache warms me up more than any yule log. The final entry is also Bing’s last special. “Bing Crosby’s Merry Olde Christmas” takes him to England in 1977. Twiggy attempts to do more than be a model as she chirps in with the Cosby family. The most famous part of this special is the arrival of David Bowie in the middle of his Berlin era. His duet with Bing on “Little Drummer Boy” has grown in stature over the year. It’s sweet and traditional as the duo harmonize. This isn’t nearly as wild as imagined. Here’s a glimpse of Bowie and Bing’s duet.

The real freak out moment is later in the show when Bowie goes solo for “Heroes.” This is the greatest moment in holiday special history since it is so beyond the tone of anything done on the show. Bowie’s uncompromisingly modern when compared to the comfortable performances in the rest of the show. As a child, this four minutes of TV scarred me for life. I’m grateful that “Heroes” wasn’t clipped out. The transfer quality of these specials are high. This the perfect gift for any relative that moans and groans when Clay Aiken and Jessica Simpson Christmas specials clutter up the dial.

Christmas Treats 9 Heartwarming TV Classics will keep your eyes roasting with holiday episodes of classic Paramount shows. How many times have you hit the sofa in December wishing for a marathon of Santa themed sitcoms? Don’t rely on a cable channel programmer when you can pick up this collection. Things start out right with The Beverly Hillbillies‘ “Christmas at the Clampetts.” This is their second special when they wake up to experience the holidays SoCal flavored. Best part is the monkey on their new boat. The Lucy Show’s “Together at Christmas” has her and Viv battling to see whose tradition is more powerful. Happy Days is a real wish when Richie wants to meet the poster girl of a Cola campaign. My favorite of the group is the Love American Style segment “Love and the Christmas Punch.” Henry Gibson gets abused by every member of a small Christmas party as he stumbles in on their secrets. If I have one holiday DVD wish this season, let more season sets of Love American Style be released. There’s also episodes from Petticoat Junction, The Odd Couple, Laverne and Shirley, Mork & Mindy, The Odd Couple and Cheers. Only thing missing from this nearly four hour long set is egg nog.

Beverly Hills 90210: The Final Season brings the high school fun to a big bang end. The tenth season was strange since the real star of the show had completely departed. No longer was Brandon Walsh (Jason Priestly) kicking around the zip code with his cool sideburns. However we still had all the rest of the kids for this coda. There’s just a touch more of Luke Perry and Tori Spelling. Thrill to the sight of David Austin Green before he became Mr. Megan Fox. The series wraps up with an eagerly awaited wedding. The final 27 episodes are being spread over 6 DVDs. Fans of the show might want to invest in the DVDs since SoapNET is being yanked off the cable box for Disney Jr.

The Fugitive: The Fourth and Final Season - Volume One brings the chase for Dr. Richard Kimble (David Janssen) into the wonderful world of color. Lt. Philip Gerard (Barry Morse) keeps up the tracking across the USA. “Death Is the Door Prize” features Ossie Davis. Folks who picked up the first season of The Bionic Woman will get a treat with Richard Anderson (Oscar Goldman) playing a cop in “The Sharp Edge of Chivalry.” A really young Tom Skerritt (Alien) joins the pursuit in “Joshua’s Kingdom.” Things get extra good when Bruce Dern arrives as part of “The Devil’s Disciples.” There’s only one more release left until Kimble finally tracks down the One-Armed man. The switch to color does cut back on the ability to see Kimble sweat as the dragnet tightens around him. But at least we know his run is coming to an end.

Perry Mason: Season 5, Volume 2 wraps up the middle of the nine seasons featuring TV’s greatest trial lawyer. The 15 episodes will keep you guessing even if you know that Perry’s client isn’t the truly guilty rat no matter what Lt. Tragg (Ray Collins) and D.A. Hamilton Burger (William Talman) think. There’s plenty of future famous actors getting grilled before the jury by Perry (Raymond Burr). “The Case of the Absent Artist” brings the always welcomed Victor Buono (Batman’s King Tut). “The Case of the Angry Astronaut” kills off James Coburn. Burt Reynolds gets the third degree in “The Case of the Counterfeit Crank.” Connie Hines (Mister Ed) is part of the action. “The Case of the Ancient Romeo” kills the lead actor during a blackout on stage. “The Case of the Promoter’s Pillbox” gets a ripped of screenwriter in trouble for the death of an evil producer. Ivan Dixon (Hogan’s Heroes) pops up.

Super Hero Squad Show Quest for the Infinity Sword Volume 2 gives another six episodes from the animated series about Marvel Heroes as little kids. They battle mini-villains around Super Hero City. This batch has the arrival of small versions of Nick Fury, the Punisher, littler Ant-Man and the Skrulls. The show gets bonus points for a referencing Rocky and Bullwinkle. The violence level isn’t close to the more graphic level of violence found in other super hero animated shows. This is all geared at kids. The big guest voice on this collection is Seinfeld’s Wayne Knight. My mom saw him in a Ralph’s supermarket. He’s lost a lot of weight and looks great. The big bonus feature is an interview with Tom Kenny (best known as Spongebob Square Pants).

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