The Oscars are coming, whether we like it (or care) or not. The disappointment felt by fans and the event’s organizers over the snub of The Dark Knight has finally died down and the campaigning has hit the home stretch, even if the economy has subdued the usual onslaught of in-your-face begging this time around (thank God).

I never subscribed to the notion that The Dark Knight had to get the big nominations to vindicate it as a good film or to somehow make the Oscars relevant to current audiences. But the films that were nominated were one of the weakest sets of nominees in recent history. Be that as it may, I do think I have figured out the logic – instead of giving us a film to root for in The Dark Knight, the Academy has given us something better; a film to root against.

I am speaking, of course, of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, one of the most excruciating 3 hours you’ll ever spend in a theater and I’m counting watching uncensored footage of Nazi war atrocities. Based on a story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the movie follows in the tradition of films like The Bridges of Madison County in that you could probably read the original story enough times to memorize it in the time it takes to get to the final reel. The Academy saw fit to give this cinematic forced march 13 nominations, the most of any film in the mix this year. The only choice that could have possibly been a bigger slap in the face to any other potential nominee would have been to nominate the mini-series masquerading as theatrical film, Australia. Thankfully, there’s a cash crisis at the moment which means there isn’t enough money in Hollywood to buy that thing an Oscar, even if they did manage to slap in one of the film’s stars as host this year.

Back to the crapfest at hand. I’m on record as saying that I think Brad Pitt is a good actor and he’s definitely worthy of an Oscar. Having said that, I have an aversion bordering upon hive inducing allergy towards obvious Oscar-bait and Benjamin Button is one of those films that is the awards equivalent to dynamite fishing. There’s not a person involved with the project that didn’t sign on because they thought it would be a ‘marquee’ film. It’s not that I object to artistic films, it’s that I object to films that could have been artistic and even good, only to see them become bloated, overbearing, ponderous wastes of celluloid and worse, the viewer’s time. Pitt’s been on this track for a while now – just take a look at the equally long, ponderous but definitely more entertaining Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Lesson learned in that film: don’t let an up and coming actor steal the spotlight in your Oscar-bait. Not a problem with Benjamin Button.

The first time I sat through the film, it was like being slowly beaten to death by a mob of dwarves wielding NERF bats. After seeing that it was getting some buzz, I tried getting through it again, in case I somehow “just didn’t get it”.

This time, it was like the dwarves had ditched the foam weapons and had instead resorted to punching me in the groin.

Wearing gauntlets.

With spikes.

By the midway point, I was about ready to gouge my own eyes out using the scoop from the over priced nachos. I am now fairly convinced that I didn’t “miss” anything and that the film just sucks.

Of course, the one flaw in the logic of having something to root against is that there has to be something you’d rather see win. While I’d like to see just about any film win that isn’t Benjamin Button, I can’t say that any of the other nominees really scream that they deserve the award, either. Frost / Nixon is good if only to prove once again that the best actors to portray Richard Nixon on film originate from outside the United States. Sorry, Rich Little – looks like other people are finally pushing their way into material that has been exclusively yours since sometime during the Carter administration. Milk, with Sean Penn’s critically acclaimed (for good reason) performance as San Francisco’s slain gay rights pioneer, Harvey Milk, is good but not Best Picture good.

The Reader, you ask? Oh, for fuck’s sake, let’s get over this wave of trying to find some kind of sympathy for those poor, misunderstood Nazis, already. They were fucking Nazis! There’s a reason the word “Nazi” has become shorthand for “evil, villainous prick”. I don’t care if we do get to see Kate Winslett’s boobies (like we haven’t seen those before), I’ve now had enough of this little genre that has helped bring us overblown bullshit like Valkyrie and manipulative crap like The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. Yeah, I know, the world isn’t all black and white. I don’t believe anybody ever got up every day and told themselves “damn, I’m evil” in the mirror (except, possibly, Dick Cheney). But let’s put things in perspective before we find ourselves in the middle of a screening for a warm, fuzzy retelling of the life of Hitler. The reason Nazis make great recurring villains in popular entertainment is because they were some of the most horrible, scum-sucking human beings to ever cast a shadow on the face of the Earth. They earned that horrible distinction and it’s gonna stick to ’em like stink on shit for eternity. So, no, I won’t be casting a vote for The Reader. Sorry, Kate, maybe next year.

Which pretty much leaves us with Slumdog Millionaire. Is it Best Picture good, either? Uhm, well, no. Is it a better film than Frost / Nixon or Milk? I can’t really say that, either. What I can say is that it isn’t like watching a dramatized version of a History Channel documentary, which earns it a few extra points in my book. It holds together well, travels at a better pace than the other two films and is just a little more watchable. Plus, it has a cool, Bollywood-esque number at the end that would have only helped any of the other films nominated this year. But this is a long way from being a film that people behind the big broadcast would have liked to promote as a ‘popular favorite’.

Of course, this will be a different kind of Oscar ceremony by the Academy’s own admission. A more “intimate” (read: cheaply produced) ceremony with supposed new twists. Okay, this isn’t an episode of Law & Order, it’s an awards ceremony, people. About the only major change you could make that would make anybody give a damn would be a new rule that states winners must be present to win. To make things even more interesting would be the way the award would then be given to a nominee who is present: an all out fight to the death with the last one standing coming away with the Oscar. Just think of how much the audience would hope the winner for Best Supporting Actress couldn’t make the ceremony so Hugh Jackman could ask the stage hands to drop the cage and roll out the pudding vat. Not only that but it stands to open up the categories for other artists in the future. Anything short of that is just a cheat to the viewers.

The Academy Awards will be presented live on Sunday, February 22nd. Place your bets now.

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