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1. Quick note: Those fly brothers over at ScreenGeeks Radio put me on their radio podcast a couple of weeks ago to talk about Comic-Con 2008. Run, don’t even think of walking, to download my hotness. Seriously, these guys are passionate and love movies plus they’ve got a great attitude when talking about they like or don’t like; it’s such a unique show that it deserves to be one of those you listen to on the treadmill or on your way to grab another dozen doughnuts. Listen to it and be amazed at how much I sound like Romano.
2. Now, there is movie talk ahead. Trust me.
If you’re not familiar with “The Obama Nation” by Jerome Corsi do yourself, and your conscious, a favor and start talking about how shoddily its foundation was constructed and how it cares as much about facts as the Nazi’s cared about keeping meticulous records of the number of Jews they exterminated. Don’t worry about not having read it. Just use words like “poorly written”, “fueled by spurious personal opinion” or even “laughable in the way the Republican wheels of incompetence are desperately trying to hold on to their stranglehold to the throats of bumpkins and idiots who don’t know that President Bush is indeed the worst president we’ve ever had.” As Bill Hicks would have said, “This isn’t a matter of taste, or perception, I can prove this on an Etch-A-Sketch.”
Quite true, Bill. And, for those keeping score at home, let’s hope one of the candidates get you moving in the direction of the voting booth. John McCain is from my state, in fact my family worked on some of that geezer’s furniture for one of those residences he doesn’t know much about, and I don’t want him anywhere near that house on Pennsylvania Avenue. It breaks my heart to know the way the electoral college works, all the fuck tards I live with in this state who would rather keep the Bush legacy alive for another four years will negate my vote for someone who I might be able to be inspired by (Thanks, Founding Fathers! Jerk offs…) that doesn’t mean I’ll not be going to the polls. In fact, I wish to be more active this time around in the divine hope I’ll be able to cut through the bullshit and see which puppet will screw me less come January, the one on the left or the one on the right.
So what the hell does this mean for movies?
Absolutely nothing. Well, there is the notion that there is a slight (read: huge) disconnect with the way Hollywood portrays democrats and the reality that is this party for the last eight years. The reality is not a Michael Douglas AMERICAN PRESIDENT kind of person but, rather, they’ve been nothing but capitulating lap dogs who seem to have forgotten how to bring a fight to those who would have no problem labeling them baby eating devil worshipers. James Carville was right when he mentioned that night one of the DNC was devoid of any message. If you want to sum up everything you’ll read about what the democrats will need to do to take back the White House it will be as easy as this: fight the fuck back. This is not a time to try and be rational with a populace who you think will see between the lines because, let’s be honest, the populace is dumb. They’re cattle who don’t know better and if there isn’t anything done about attacking back (this isn’t to say you need to be mean about it. Bringing up Cindy McCain’s drug use would be perfectly fine I would think.) we’re going to have to endure G.W. Bush II which, if you judge his voting record in the senate, is damn near accurate.
As well, with regard to how this relates to movies, I should make it known that while I haven’t reviewed it here in my column, Oliver Stone’s W. has recently surfaced in trailer form. If you have not yet watched it, I would recommend looking at it and thinking about the ramifications of Stone’s intent to have this released before the election. I’m kind of torn about whether these kinds of movies influence the kind of opinion that would matter. I would almost definitely assert that it wouldn’t. For all the reasons that FAHRENHEIT 9/11 didn’t make the kind of splash its supports through it would it could be the same reasons why this won’t either. It bums me out to admit but honestly could any of you see patrons of this movie staggering out of the film like they’ve been cleansed by some kind of Scientology orientation video? No, but I am hopeful that this will be the kind of film that energizes the base of folks who need to start thinking for themselves, the issues and to get out there and vote. One way or another, people.
3. Ashley Bouque. I work with this woman and she sent me an amusing Photoshop, even if it does look like it was done by a 7 year-old who just discovered the program, but that’s not why I bring this up.
I am completely addicted to the show HARD KNOCKS on HBO. I know I am missing some chromosome in that I am not really that enthralled with football. I’m a disgrace to my gender but even though I’ll tolerate the lumbering actions of a pack of meat heads I have been glued to my reality television show, KNOCKS, on my pay cable. It’s following the Dallas Cowboys and I shouldn’t like this program. I shouldn’t.
But I have been sucked in by the behind-the-scenes drama that has turned some of these players who haven’t been guaranteed a spot on the team into hopefuls that you can’t help but follow like sad puppies who need homes. I think the slickness of the eventual players on the field, with the egos you just love to hate, account for why this sport just doesn’t hold weight for me but KNOCKS pulls back the pomp and circumstance of these padded warriors and, gasp, makes them genuine human beings. I’m about 4 weeks into watching this thing and I cannot get enough. Some of you lazy assholes who think working out is grabbing the remote from the kitchen might not agree but for those of you who have a dream and see it ultimately snatched away because you simply just aren’t that good will absolutely understand why this is reality television worth watching.
Now, on with the show…
Director: Guy Ritchie
Cast: Gerard Butler, Thandie Newton, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Jeremy Piven, Idris Elba, Tom Wilkinson
Release: October 31, 2008
Synopsis: When a Russian mobster orchestrates a crooked land deal, millions of dollars are up for grabs, and all of London’s criminal underworld wants in on the action. Everyone from a dangerous crime lord to a sexy accountant, a corrupt politician and down-on-their-luck petty thieves conspire, collude and collide with one another in an effort to get rich quick.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Negative. This film looks virtually unwatchable.
I will mention, as a point of disclosure, that I am a big fan of SNATCH. I thought the film not only brought me to a place where I could appreciate Guy Ritchie’s flavor as a filmmaker but I was astounded at how much Brad Pitt made that film absolutely riveting. It was an amalgam of so many different postmodern crime film elements that you had to wonder what was going to come out of this talented guy. Guy didn’t think, however, to make any changes to his style or tone. I mean, seriously, raise your hand if you think that every Guy Ritchie picture has been just a variation of SNATCH. By the look of palms that are up in the air I would pretty much say all of you agree. And for good reason. I don’t know what a dramatic shift of perspective would mean from this dude but if SWEPT AWAY is any indication he has been to the other side and does not like what he sees.
This trailer, though, just looks like balls.
There was some promise in the grittiness of what this movie could be, you have Gerard Butler, Tom Wilkinson, Jeremy Piven and few more supporting guys that know how to carry themselves well enough in ensemble pieces, and the opening shuck and jive of some shirtless wanker with a pistol could have been pretty effective. The narration and, additionally, the definition of a RocknRolla was excellent. I damn near forgave Guy for churning out yet another sequel to SNATCH.
That’s when Tom Wilkinson enters the picture and it’s like a sack full of quarters smacking you in the nipples: he’s channeling Alan Ford, Brick Top. In cadence, in mannerisms, it’s embarrassing. Now, I know Tom was just there to do a part but Guy’s making a sinister misstep if he thinks no one is going to draw comparisons straight to this.
Further, now we’re introduced to the New School, whatever the fuck that means. All I know is Tom has a discussion with someone about seven million euros, it gets repeated a couple of times, Thandie Newton is introduced, and I couldn’t care less. It’s a momentum stopper because I have no clue what seven million euros is supposed to mean! There’s nothing to tell me why I should care about any of this.
But never mind that, Guy seems to say, because here is the Wild Bunch, I guess they’re supposed to be wild, because that’s what they’re called, but it’s without question embarrassing to see Gerard playing the part of some boob, Yeah, I can’t really figure out what he’s supposed to be but shuffling on a dance floor like a complete moron doesn’t help his cause as someone I should give two shits about. It’s almost like those moments where you’re watching something completely embarrassing but this moment is so unrelated to anything going on in the film that I wonder what paint shaker this clip was pulled from. The robbery/carjacking scene doesn’t help, either; Gerard does not play a moron well.
Then, to add to the flavor of this putrid soup I guess there’s something to do with a missing person, but I can’t really tell by the piss poor execution of how we’re supposed to get a clue to this film’s actual aim. What’s more is that, like in SNATCH, we have lots of colorful characters and, surprise surprise, we even have war criminals on the hunt as well, like in SNATCH.
I don’t really know what else to say other than it’s a bad sign when I think that the animation and quick cuts at the end of this trailer is perhaps the best thing about this film. There’s no way it could live up to the exciting and scintillating premise that it tries to cook up in its final moments because they already gave me 2+ minutes to completely refute everything it’s trying to sell me.
Put this in my rental queue and wake me up when it comes in my mailbox.
Director: DJ Caruso
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Rosario Dawson, Anthony Mackie and Billy Bob Thornton
Release: September 26, 2008
Synopsis: In the fast-paced race-against-time-thriller “Eagle Eye†Shia LaBeouf and Michelle Monaghan are two strangers who become the pawns of a mysterious woman they have never met, but who seems to know their every move. Realizing they are being used to further her diabolical plot, they must work together to outwit the woman before she has them killed.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Negative. If you want to know why Hollywood will never be able to shake its superficially-challenged image look no further than this trailer.
What’s so problematic about this trailer isn’t so much about the lack of coherent plot, there’s enough of that in here, but it’s how unnecessary and stupid the premise seems to be. I get that there are some abominable premises that have made great films but the execution and what I am asked to buy into here is just absurd.
I damn near bought into the thing as the first few seconds of the trailer seem effective; the cinematography, the absence of a voice over, the way we’re sort of led into our own interpretation of what’s happening on the screen almost got me.
However, what I initially thought was a unique take on a film like MONEY FOR NOTHING just takes a gimp, lame turn as LaBeouf returns home after scoring big at the ATM only to find sacks and sacks of ammonium nitrate, pistols and scads of other things that would make even a gun runner roll his eyes. Now, here’s where I start having a major problem. As if the ATM moment was something I was willing to accept, it was the ringing cell phone and Shia finding out he has 30 seconds to leave his apartment because the FBI is on its way.
Huh?
I can only imagine it was some asshole screenwriter who makes more money in a week to come up with this shit who convinced someone that this was an amazing idea. But, it wouldn’t be so bad, believe it or not, if it wasn’t for the moment after he’s taken into FBI custody (for who knows what besides the obvious) and gives them the whole “It was the one armed man†excuse about being set up for some unknown reason. No, it’s the moment after he gets his one phone call, and it’s that same sultry bitch who told him he had 30 seconds to leave his apartment before telling him he now has 10 seconds to get down.
Of course, from here it just goes off that special deep end that only movies can do. The office where he’s being held by the FBI gets demolished, no joke, by a fucking crane a la SPIDER-MAN 3. Not only that but there is the most unbelievable moment where the news scroll at street level tells LaBeouf to jump out of the window. So, he jumps. I repeat, after reading that he needs to jump from the window, he jumps.
I could care less what this movie is supposed to be about. After watching this trailer I cannot think that anything this movie has to offer can be anything worth paying to watch. I understand it’s all about the unbelievable but this film can’t do anything but be the harbinger for the decline of western civilization.
Comments: 7 Comments
7 Responses to “Trailer Park: Please Don’t Elect John McCain President”Leave a Reply |
August 29th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I don’t normally need too many excuses to stare at Michelle Monaghan (‘Made of Honour’ notwithstanding). But, we’ve got the double Whammie of Rosario Dawson…so, I’m sure I’ll subject myself to watching it.
I can only hope the voice on the phone is actually Morpheus and Shia LaBeouf will end the movie having to choose between taking the red or blue pill. Although, it’s more likely I’ll end the movie saying, “Well…there’s 90 minutes I’ll never get back!”
August 31st, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I just have to say i used to agree about the electoral college but now i say thank god we have it. Nine tenths of the people in this country are brain dead sheep who vote for who ever the media tells them to vote for(Obama). IM not saying that Obamas a bad choice, but if were gonna get rid of the electoral college, One should have to have a basic political knowledge test before registering to vote. Lets jump on the bandwagon! SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT F$^% THE ECONOMY!VOTE DEMOCRAT!
Yeach. SCrew both democrat and republican, vote Libertarian and take this country back
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:01 am
Wow, liberal talking points without facts, plus the added encouragement to lie. Typical.
Luckily, I’m a conservative, which means don’t worry, I won’t be voting for John McCain. I’ll just sit this one out.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:28 am
Politics in the Trailer Park…just goes to show how messed up things are. Thank God for this crazy thing called the world wide inter-web, where I can be entertained while enjoying safety of Canada’s frozen tundra.
Talk amongst yourselves 🙂
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Jim…Reading you loud and clear on that. I don’t have talking points as, well, I’m not a pundit and I don’t have any ice pick chiseling tools to chip away at why he shouldn’t be elected other than his voting record, his thought that it’s a good idea to stay in Iraq and his quote about abortions that, “‘I don’t claim to be a theologian, but I have my moral beliefs.'” I just think that these are three things that stick out to me, as a voter, determine why I will or won’t vote for someone.
Some people have odder decision mechanisms but those are the three that are important to me. I don’t consider that “liberal talking points” and I can provide the providence of all three issue stances of both candidates if you so like. It’s not a dig or a slight but I understand your point about how this could seem like I’m another “Obama Nut.”
I’m genuinely curious, if you ever see this message: What is coming in to play with your decision? Anyone else? What’s important to you?
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Hey Chris, no politics from me, just popped in to see if you had posted this:
LOS ANGELES – Don LaFontaine, the man who popularized the catch phrase “In a world where…” and lent his voice to thousands of movie trailers, has died. He was 68.
In a world where Don is gone trailers take a big time hit, rest in peace Don…..
September 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Rich, it will be brought up this week. So sad, man, that the voice of so many great (and not so great) trailers has been silenced.