MALIBU – Thankfully the Santa Ana flamed fires have spared my latest business venture. Having Satan for a silent partner has its advantages.
I’ve decided to give Promises and Dr. Drew a run for the star detox business by offering a revolutionary approach at The Party Favors Rehab Center and Hardcore Fighting Academy. We believe you can’t clean up your life until your clock is cleaned.
While other rehab centers will baby you with meatball psychiatry and compassion, your first day at PFRCHFC is all about wailing on your ass. You think your old man was hard on you, wait till our staff of trained “therapists” take you down into the Tyler Durden Memorial Basement for intense small group sessions. You won’t care about withdrawal pains since you’ll be too concerned about how many teeth you have left. Other rehab centers have you cleaning toilets. We’re going to use your head as a bowl brush. You’ll be gargling with Mr. Clean. We won’t have you making beds or doing laundry. You’re sleeping on the basement floor in a loin cloth. When you get out of our rehab center, the TMZ pests will dash away since you’ll smell like an animal that has been locked in the basement for six weeks.
Will you be cured? Not quite. You’ll still be addicted to alcohol, although now it will be applied to your flesh with cottonballs after your “break through” sessions.
For those of you who can “handle” your drinking, Party Favors is pleased to announce that it’s getting into premium booze business. We’ll be joining Jay-Z and Donald Trump on the top shelf. Instead of getting into the fancy vodka business, the Party Favors Distillery squeezes out high quality Moonshine.
Our two signature brands that’ll be clogging the aisles at Macy’s Liquor store are Granny’s XXX and Otis’ Secret Stash. Granny’s XXX comes in an authentic little brown jug. Originally the bottle was going to mention that it’s for medicinal purposes, but the FDA told us it wasn’t a cure for legitimate diseases. As if Restless Leg Syndrome is a real disease. If you suffer from drinking too much house paint, Granny’s XXX is guaranteed to peel the semi-gloss off your small intestine. Granny’s XXX comes in one flavor: harsh. We recommend you dilute it with Ronson lighter fluid.
Otis’ Secret Stash has a variety of flavors including Cherry, Peach, Strawberry and Pineapple. Instead of using bunch of artificial ingredients, we chop up the fruits and squeeze ’em into the bottle. You can put the diced delights on your morning pancakes as a hangover cure. The Pineapple is my favorite. If you eat a chunk of the shine soaked golden fruit, you’ll get a vision of Jack Lord.
While we use an authentic Southern recipe, our bottles promise that we don’t resort to an old car radiator as a condenser. Does Donald Trump promise that he doesn’t use his old Rolls Royce radiator on Trump Vodka? If the Donald drank a little Granny’s XXX, he’d grow a real haircut.
These are only the first two points of the Party Favors triangle of pleasure. We’re proud to announce our new bar at Las Vegas’s Zanzibar Casino and Hotel. ReTox opens on the 4th of July, 2008. The club’s slogan is “When you’re ready to fall off the wagon, we’ll catch you.” I can’t give too many details except we are in negotiations to lure Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears to host our “Screw the Chip” opening night. Plus we’ll be the future home to the Little Miss Booze pageant. Mondays will be 2 for 1 drink night for “graduates” of PFRCHFC.
We do offer gift cards in case you want to give a friend the present of booze, decadence or sobriety this holiday season. Party Favors wants to be your full-service alcohol abuse destination.
HATIN’ THE HOBBIT
Peter Jackson didn’t get any brotherly love in Philadelphia. My sources on the set of The Lovely Bones said the local crew was frustrated with the Oscar winning director. He’s described as being unprepared for the film.
The local crew members are used to working on M. Night Shyamalan’s films. He’s meticulous in his production work. He knows what he wants and they give it to him. They expected the same from Jackson seeing how he pulled off Lord of the Rings and King Kong. They joked that Jackson would have a CGI version of the film that they’d capture in the flesh.
Instead Jackson became notorious for arriving at the location without the rush to make movie history. When he did make a “artiste” decision, it didn’t produce applause. One incident described how Jackson demand a complicated multi-camera set up. The crew warned him that the moves weren’t going to work in the tight location space. He wouldn’t alter his plans. They spent hours setting it up. They were quietly hoping to be proven wrong by the man. They wanted to bask in his genius. After the first take; Jackson declared it a dud and scrapped his initial vision for the shot. He didn’t inspire trust amongst the natives.
Could this explain why Ryan Gosling is no longer the lead in the film? Rumors spread that Jackson found Gosling “demanding.” Perhaps Gosling was expecting Jackson to be more demanding?
Does Jackson always work like an anti-Roman Polanski? Did he wander onto the set and wait for the cinematic inspiration on Lord of the Rings? Or maybe leaving the land of Kiwis has thrown off his game. Philadelphia is a town that can suck the life out of you – just ask Terrell Owens and Santa. All that cheese steak can clog your mind. Does sound like Jackson’s tombstone will pay homage to W.C. Fields’ epitaph.
HOLLY GOLLY DVDS
The screenwriter’s strike continues so that means more time to spend with my DVD collection. Do I really need to see stars promote films that stunk up the screen last year? Here’s a few titles I’ve been enjoying and might great Christmas gifts for your special friends that aren’t happy with donations to the Human Fund.
Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. The Third Season takes us back to Camp Henderson. While 1966 to 67 marked an escalation of the war in Vietnam, Gomer hadn’t a care about battling the Cong in a rice patty. His only wanted to keep Sgt. Carter happy. There’s not even a subtext of Vietnam in the scripts. It’s a beautiful alternate America that has Gomer defending it. “Gomer and the Little Green Men From Outer Space” has our favorite private receive a close encounter of the third kind. Naturally everyone thinks he’s gone nuts. The closest Gomer comes to shipped out to Asia is his tenure in a tiki bar watching Lou-Ann Poovie sing. Even though the nightclub has a Pacific island feel, we’re told it’s the Congo Club. Gomer Pyle’s basic mission was to entertain without making the viewers remember the evening news from Southeast Asia. Mission Accomplished.
Mod Squad, Season One, Volume One brings us the grooviest cops on the beat. Three troubled teens become undercover cops because of a strange plea deal. They’re sort of like La Femme Nikita as a ménage à trois minus the sexual tension. Linc’s a Watts revolutionary. Peter’s a rich kid from Beverly Hills. Julie’s a hippie chick from San Francisco. They infiltrate operations that the normal undercover cop couldn’t handle. Who would expect sweet little Julie to be the Man? The show has aged with a comic charm. There’s something hilarious about the prime time attitude towards the subculture. “A Time to Love – A Time to Cry” has a photographer tripping on LSD. While coming down, he discovers his model is dead. The Mod Squad sneak into an artists’ colony to discover the truth. If your only exposure to Mod Squad was that crapfest movie with Claire Danes, flush it from your mind. The series is so much better. Peggy Lipton is cutier. She’s perfect as the blonde California beach girl. This boxset contains the first 13 episodes that aired in the Fall of 1968.
Rawhide, Season Two, Volume Two brings us another heaping spoonful of Clint Eastwood on the range. The endless cattle drive continues with sixteen more episodes. “Incident of the Stargazer” has Buddy Ebsen which means you’ll see Barnaby Jones tangle with Dirty Harry. “Incident of the Dancing Death” gives Sam Peckinpah regular Warren Oates time with the cattle. “Incident of the Deserter” has the cook falls in love and start a restaurant in the wilderness. Can the crew live on Clint’s meals? What makes Rawhide great is they didn’t fake the show. They really are moving a herd of cows across the range. Clint isn’t standing by a rear projection screen faking it on a plastic horse.
Midnight Movies explores cult cinema that took hold when the clock struck twelve. We see how El Topo, Night of the Living Dead, Freaks, Reefer Madness, The Harder They Come, Pink Flamingos, Rocky Horror Picture Show and Eraserhead took hold in an era before VCRs. All the major people related to the films are interviewed. They all point out that Midnight Moviegoers preferred to smoke dope and use popcorn for their munchies. You might want to have a few of the featured films on DVD so you can launch into the late night magic afterward.
There’s no review for Saturday Night Live Season – The Complete Second Season since it has been whisked to a secure and secret location and won’t be revealed until Christmas morning. All you need to know is that this is the arrival of Bill Murray and the departure of Chevy Chase. A comedic win-win.
Any exercise video that begins with Carmen Electra saying, “Thank you so much for bringing me into your bedroom. I’m so happy to be here” moves to the top of the workout pile. Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease – In the Bedroom is more enjoyable than Todd Field’s In the Bedroom. The routine starts out with stretching on the floor in front of the bed. After ten minutes, Carmen moves the action onto the mattress. The isometric holds made me break a sweat. Carmen does wear her sneakers into bed, but that’s probably a gym rule. The second half workout features her in a Las Vegas hotel room with a view of the Wynn. She’s wearing a pair of heels for this more involved routine. To help her feel the burn, she slaps her butt. Did she clear that move with a physician? Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease – Vegas Strip has her start off the workout by saying, “The whole point of this series is to really feel your body. Don’t be afraid to touch yourself.” I’m overwhelmed with emotion at this affirmation. This routine is performed on the dance floor of the MGM Grand’s Studio 54. Carmen brought along two girlfriends. Once you’ve mastered these motions, you’ll be ready to tryout for the Pussycat Dolls. This DVD is more fun than my last stay on the Vegas Strip and nobody pesters you into visiting a time share resort.
The seventh wave of Disney Treasures DVDs are a must buy for Magic Kingdom freaks. The Adventures of Oswalt the Lucky Rabbit contains the surviving 13 cartoons featuring Walt’s pre-Mickey Mouse animated hero. He’s pretty much Mickey Mouse with longer ears. The second disc in the tin is dedicated to Ub Iwerks, the man who animated Disney’s early cartoons. The Chronological Donald Duck, Volume Three (1947 – 50) has 30 shorts featuring the squawking waterfowl. This collection features the introduction of Chip n Dale to torture Donald. The quality of the restoration on these shorts is better than Volume 2. Disneyland – Secrets, Stories & Magic skimps on the secrets. There’s zero talk of Club 33 – the hidden bar near Pirates of the Caribbean. The main film is about as probing as a Travel Channel special. The bonus features rule on this set especially Disneyland U.S.A, a cinemascope tour of the park from 1956. Annette Funicello twirls around in “The Golden Horseshoe Revue.” They throw a reproduction of the old ticket book in the tin. For folks who make pilgrimage’s to Anaheim and Orlando, you better grab this for your collection since they only pressed 50,000.
EVEL’S LAST JUMP
The true cause of Evel Knievel’s death won’t appear in the coroner’s report. What brought down the legendary daredevil was a fatal stunt he performed two days before his final sleep. He announced to the press that he had settled his public feud with Kanye West. They were friends. His peace with the rapper became the ramp that aimed him into the grave.
Evel broke every bone in his body. What kept him together for 69 years? Pure spite. Watch any interview with Evel and you’ll see him hold grudges against anyone he perceived screwed him over. A few years back on the Jim Rome radio show, Evel was ready to kick the ass of a kid from his elementary school days. In documentaries, there are hours of him cussing about the guy who engineered his rocket-cycle at Snake River. Once a person went on Evel’s list, they feared him showing up on their doorstep with a baseball bat.
Evel sued Kayne for ripping off the story of Snake River for the “Touch the Sky” video featuring “Evel Kaynevel.” Evel was pissed off that Kayne had used his daredevil image to “promote his filth to the world.” Two days before his passing, Evel announced they had settled the lawsuit. They posed for a picture as if they were best of pals. Evel told the press, “I thought he was a wonderful guy and quite a gentleman.” When Evel forgave Kayne, his body couldn’t deal with it since his heart was fueled with spite. Like putting sugar in the gas tank, Evel’s engine locked up. He overdosed on bygones.
Perhaps in heaven Evel will be reunited with the sharks from the tank in Chicago? Or maybe he’s swapping sucker punches with Norman Mailer? What we do know is that his ghost won’t be swinging a Louisville Slugger at Kanye’s dome.
SOUND OF THE SEASON
There are three 24/7 Christmas radio stations in my town. Why? There’s more Christmas music on the dial than rock. They started the “Jingle Bell Rock” a week before Thanksgiving. What’s irritating is the simple fact that there might be thousands of Christmas records, but each on of them has the same 15 songs. Did you know you can program a solid nine days of nothing but “The Little Drummer Boy” without repeating an artist? Bet the guys in Gitmo don’t get the aural torture that greets a mall employee for their 10 hour shift at the Sunglass Hut.
RANDOM TV NOTES
When will ATT run a commercial with Dick Cheney telling us how he spends his time in secure and secret locations, meeting with people that must remain private, attending off-the-record conferences and relaxing in his man-sized safe? Dick declares at the end, “I need a phone that works where I live. A place I call Noneofyourfnbusinessaholes.”
When is John Cho going to end up on Dancing With the Stars? The Harold and Kumar Go to the White Castle star must seduce America with his twinkle toes.
Lifetime’s America’s Psychic Challenge needs to have the ultimate final test: Pick the winning numbers of all the major lotteries for that week. Wouldn’t you want to tune in for that episode? You give me the Powerball digits and you’ve earned the title. Lifetime’s got a great new title for a show: How to Look Good Naked. Why isn’t this series on HBO? These people won’t be naked cause they’ll always have those blur splotches on their bodies. We don’t need more teaser TV.
This gives me hope for my upcoming series: Do You Mind If I Put My Private Parts In Your Mouth? It’s based off the BBC 4 show Schlong Along My Ding Dong. We’re hoping to land Andy Dick as the host. He’s already developing our new MTV series, How Bad Are You Willing to Break Into Showbiz. As Art Linkloser once said, “Desperate attention whores make the best contestants.”
How come for all the publicity for I Am Legend not one of the suck up infotainment shows are willing to admit this film is a remake of Last Man on Earth and Omega Man? Is the Fresh Prince ashamed of being connected to Vincent Price and Charlton Heston? On Entertainment Tonight, the director of the film claimed that an element of Will’s character was something they created. Note to Francis Lawrence: you didn’t think that hard. Your genius idea was featured in the earlier films. Will Smith is the third last person on the planet.
Did Tom Hanks think he was playing Dean Martin in Charlie Wilson’s War? The shot of him in the tux with the tumbler is only short Jerry Lewis to be a full Dino impersonation.
I’m still irritated that certain cable channels run the closing credits of movies beneath the opening of their next movie. They shrink and squish the already tiny type. What’s the point? Can you really read any of that. Even used car dealers can’t defend that font size and crawl speed. It’s Morse code in fast forward. It’s time they just kill the credits instead of allowing this farce to continue.
What’s the point of seeing the Spice Girls reunion if they won’t wear their old outfits? Didn’t Scary Spice’s name come from her wardrobe that even Beyonce’s mom wouldn’t design? Is she really Sporty Spice without sneakers? Can we embrace a mature Baby Spice? What’s the point in watching Ginger perform without her Union Jack corset and platform boots? Do we need to see them as five fashionable ladies – as if they all morphed into Posh Spice? Were they really about the music and not the marketing?
WHY BUZZ ON THE HORNET?
For the past five years The Green Hornet has been near the top of my most wanted TV shows on DVD. I had never seen a complete episode outside of the Batman crossover episode, but I wanted to see Bruce Lee in action. Plus the show was made by the folks who produced Batman. How could it not amaze me? American Life channel now runs the show on Friday nights. After watching four episodes, it’s off the buy list.
There was a reason this series lasted only one season. It’s lackluster. Bruce Lee gets completely misused. Bruce has great moves, but he only gets put in a kick or two before his opponent falls to the ground like an Italian soccer player. Capt. Kirk and James West didn’t have such fragile villains. Why does Kato work for the Green Hornet? He spends the whole day working as the houseboy for Britt Reid, the communications emperor. Then at night, he has to change uniforms and drive the millionaire around town hunting for bad guys. Can’t Britt pay Kato enough cash so that he only has to work one job. Bruce Wayne didn’t make Dick Grayson work two gigs. Alfred kept Wayne manor in order. Kato should have kicked Green Hornet in the head for being such a cheap ass taskmaster.
Why does Hollywood want to bring this character to the big screen? The only way I can see this film working is Green Hornet vs. Kato. The plot can revolve on Kato finally getting sick of Green Hornet’s “Time to lean, time to clean up the city” policy. Green Hornet tries to use his media empire to ruin Kato’s reputation since it’s obvious that sidekick is the real force of the operation.
TYLER PERRY VS TYLER PERRY
When will Tyler Perry sue the makers of This Christmas for making a Tyler Perry film that didn’t involve Tyler Perry? There had to be at least one person per screening wondering where’s the guy dressed up as an old woman.
TV STAR OF 2007!
Why don’t they change the name of Rule of Engagement to the The Patrick Warburton Show? Patrick Warburton owns the series. Why exactly is David Spade in the cast? To insure a cameo from Rob Schnider for season three? Whenever Warburton is off the screen, the show loses steam. Two consecutive scenes without him and I’m writing my Congressman to get Warburton back on the screen. It’s torture! Does Donal Logue get jealous when he turns on the show and sees Warburton getting frisky with Megyn Price? She looks sexier without the burden of three TV children and Kevin Corrigan creeping around the house.
Between Rules of Engagement and The Venture Brothers, Warburton is the king of TV comedy for 2007. When’s he going to have an HBO show so we can hear him cuss up a storm?
TV’s Crossover star of the year is Lexington Steele. One of the big studs of the porn world (and less hairy than Ron Jeremy) has snuck on the rather adult shows of Nip/Tuck and Weeds in the last few months. Lex seems to be poised to get a Saturday morning show in Brazil at this rate.
Moving the doctors of Nip/Tuck to Los Angeles has goosed the show. Not that things were getting to staid in Miami, but the plastic people of Hollywood are perfect fodder for McNamara-Troy. What can be better than casting a Bo Duke as a porn producer? A tribute to the infamous hottub poop clip showed how it can be faked.
BITE STEVE
Is Steve Buscemi really voicing a gingerbread man in a Go Phone commercial? He’s funny looking gingerbread man, you know?
BUMP HER
How come you never see the tabloids spreading rumors that Janeane Garofalo is pregnant? They fight to spot the bulge on Angelina Jolie and Jessica Simpson. But why not start a pregnancy watch on Sarah Silverman? Why isn’t Winona Ryder assumed to be hiding triplets beneath her trenchcoat? How about Bea Arthur? Why aren’t her “sources” claiming she’s eager to put a bun in her oven. What man does she has want to coat her in baby batter? That guy from High School Musical 2. I’d buy that copy of US Weekly. If Jennifer Lopez can get knocked up, why not Maude?
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