RESEARCH TRIANGLE PARK, NC – You never know who you’ll meet at an airport Hooters when the clock hits midnight.
Dan Pawlowski and I were enjoying a fine night of teasing orange shorted women, when a large group of people straggled inside. Dan swore they were in a band. I didn’t care who they were. I was negotiating a hula-hoop demonstration with Amanda, our waitress. After the hip twirl, we paid the bill and said good night. As we headed out, we spotted one of the group on the front porch. He was a middle aged guy with a shaggy haircut. Dan asked what band he was in.
Turned out it was Ian Mitchell of the Bay City Rollers. He’s part of the Original Idols on Tour with The Cowsills, Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods, Leif Garret and Barry Williams (you’ll remember him as Greg Brady). They had just done a gig down in Fayetteville and were flying out of RDU. He shook my hand.
I got to touch a real Bay City Roller. (Insert montage of screaming girls in ’70s hairdos.) Back in the middle of Rollermania, the Vito sisters were rabid about the Scot group. Their bedroom back in 1976 was covered in a montage of Alan, Leslie, Derek and those other guys in plaid. The Vito sisters had made their own jumpsuits with various plaid patterns that I think signified which Roller was the cutest. When I mentioned the jumpsuits, Ian reminded us that in Scotland, they’re called Tartan. Do the people in Edinburgh put plaidan sauce on their fried fish? I wonder if the Vito Sister would get excited if I let them touch my hand that touched Ian’s hand?
My biggest memory of the band is when The Bay City Rollers Show debuted on NBC’s Saturday morning line up. The band that made us sing about “Saturday Night” were expected to wake up America’s youth with the help of H.R. Pufnstuf. They took over the slot from Kaptain Kool and the Kongs. Ian swears that Sid and Marty Krofft were not on drugs. How can no one have been high in Lidsville? Unlike other stars who have made pleas for their old shows to come out on DVD, Ian doesn’t have an online petition begging for The Krofft Superstar Hour with the Bay City Rollers to be released as a boxset.
Without any prompting, Ian asked, “Would you like to meet Leif?” We said sure, if it’s not a bother. Shortly thereafter we saw Leif approaching the door. We figured he’d come out, shake hands and head back inside to be with his crew. He shook our hands, joked about our haircuts and then sat down. He didn’t mind talking with us. It was like we were doing the pre-interview for Behind the Music – Nearly a Decade Later.
Leif doesn’t have cable so he had no clue how popular his pioneering episode of the VH1 series had or how many times they were rerunning it. Leif’s episode was more than just a series of clips. When he was 18, he got drunk and loaded on Quaaludes and wrecked his car leaving his best friend, Roland Winkler, a paraplegic. The two had become estranged and Winkler’s mom sued Leif for millions. The episode had Leif finally apologize to Winkler. It was a powerful moment. Leif promised that what was shown on Behind the Music was real and not dramatized for the camera. Since that time he’s appeared on numerous other reality shows which according to him, aren’t that real.
He was supposed to appear at the Reality Awards with Johnny Fairplay, but the tour kept him busy that night. Leif pointed out that Danny Bonaduce had no reason to toss Fairplay over his head and bust his teeth. Turns out Fairplay had jumped and humped Bonaduce twice before. It had become a routine with the two. Leif said if Danny didn’t want it to happen, he could have stepped aside or refused to turn around. This might turn out to be an interesting court case.
Leif was in good spirits for a guy who over the years has been noted for his self-destructive ways. Part of this calm might be from his recent sessions with various spiritual healers. His reunion with his estranged father led him to record Neil Young’s “Old Man.” Leif and his guitarist performed an acoustic version of the song for us on the Hooters’ patio. It sounded great. He reminded me of the classic quote, “Frank Sinatra never wrote a single lyric, but every word he sang came from his heart.” Leif’s Three Sides of… album is due out Nov. 6. It features his cover of Roxy Music’s “Love is the Drug.” And Leif has done good with love having dated Nicollette Sheridan, Justine Bateman, Bebe Buell and Kelly LeBrock, pre-Steven Seagal. While dating LeBrock, he never saw anyone hate her because she was beautiful.
The best performance story Leif described was a gig in front of 35,000 screaming girls at the Houston Astrodome. He rode a horse onto the stage and didn’t mess up his white shoes on the backstage cow patties. Ask him about the Guinness Book record he set on that night when he belted out “I Was Made for Dancin.'” For decades he has shied away from his Tiger Beat musical career. When he performed live, he only dished out his rock side. But for the Original Idols tour, Leif is dipping into his bubblegum songs for the ladies.
While he’s mostly remembered for his musical career, Leif got his start as a child actor. He was on Gunsmoke and Family Affair. Plus he was Buford Pusser’s son in Walking Tall. During the talk, I joked about having kids at 80 on the Tony Randall plan. Leif replied that he played Tony’s son on the final season of The Odd Couple. He only had praise for his time with Randall. He was the son of Felix and Buford.
He had a guest role on Wonder Woman. I’m jealous that he got so close to those golden eagle wings on Lyndia Carter’s chest. He’s a real actor in my book because if I had to do that role, there’s be no way I could stand up in front of her red white and blue outfit. I’d be needing the Burt Ward treatment. And I’d be begging her to use the golden lasso on me between takes.
Leif told many stories during his chat about Shaun Cassidy, David Cassidy and Danny Bonaduce. I’m not going to repeat them since he’ll probably use them in his autobiography. No need to spoil the book. He promised that his autobiography shall be more torrid and scandalous than both volumes on Motley Crue. While you won’t get Ozzy sniffing ants, there’s a strange moment in Switzerland with Michael Jackson that will make you feel buggy.
This was probably one of the best nights to hang out with Leif. He’s a man who over the decades has received more publicity for his troubles than his achievements. When Leif is in a mellow mood, he’s the coolest guy around. I hope he stays that way for a while.
MY SO-CALLED WEEKEND
Why do “smart” shows about high schoolers rarely survive a full season? Square Pegs and Freaks and Geeks were dumped before their students took final exams. And such was the fate of My So-Called Life. It lasted 19 episodes before the kids were assigned to hiatus detention.
My So-Called Life reminds us of an era when angst filled teens didn’t shop for black clothes at Hot Topic. This was a time before kids spent school days text messaging. There was no MP3 downloading. They were simpler times in 1994. All Angela Chase (Claire Danes) cared about was getting Jordan Catalano to notice her. How could he miss her deep red hair?
The fine folks at Shout! Factory have just released My So-Called Life: The Complete Series (SRP $69.99). Unlike the barebones collection that came out five years ago, this new edition is packed with enough bonus features to allow viewers to become fanatics. There’s a fresh interview with Claire Danes. A cast & crew panel discussion at Museum of Television and Radio from 1995 gives a sense how they viewed their show all those years ago. There’s a 40 page book that chronicles the series. Janeane Garofalo gives a testimonial about what the show meant to her.
My fondest memory of watching the series was during one of my significant birthdays. I was on a sofa in the student union flocked by a pack of teenage ballerinas watching a rerun of My So-Called Life on MTV. I explained to the girls that Jordan Catalano was no good for Angela since his primary relationship is with his hair gel. She needed to hook up with Brian cause he might be a putz, but he’d clean up nicely in a few years. I don’t think they believe me. The happy thought was I was a middle aged man hanging with teenage girls without fear of the cops slapping the cuffs on me. Good times.
My So-Called Life holds up as entertaining as it explores those traumatic times of moving up to high school and rubbing shoulders with the big kids. There’s a lot of heart in the characters. They don’t come off as teenage soap opera figures. Hopefully modern teens can relate to a show that doesn’t feature iPods.
HOW THEY ENDED
Tony Soprano didn’t get whacked at the end of the series. He moved to Fire Island with Dumbledore. Every morning they whip up a batch of Johnny Cakes.
TIM WAS RIGHT
Have you noticed that Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas predicted the Fall of 2007? Can I shop anywhere that doesn’t have Halloween and Christmas crap piled together in the aisles? The Home Depot had an inflatable skeleton riding a motorcycle positioned next to the fake Christmas trees. What sort of message is being sent to kids when merchants combine green faced witches with bearded Santas? Should kids be good to get presents or wicked to receive candy? You’ve got Dracula fighting for space with the Baby Jesus. That’s wrong. We need to have a little separation of commerce and holidays.
While shopping at the Home Depot, they already had Christmas music playing. Do we really need to hear “Jingle Bells” while there’s still leaves on the trees? If this was a Christmas shop at the beach, I could understand the early start on the holiday season. But we’re talking a mega-hardware store. I want paint not an inflatable snowman.
What the hell will happen to Thanksgiving now that these two holidays have been joined at the hip? Will it get squeezed out of existence like Columbus Day? We’ve been so guilted out of celebrating Columbus Day that it took three trips to the mail box on that day to realize it was a post office holiday. Now that Christmas sales are starting around Labor Day, will the Friday after Thanksgiving maintain its luster? Next year they’ll be selling fake Christmas trees and inflatable snowmen with the 4th of July fireworks. People are jumping the gun like states pushing their presidential primaries forward. Every morning I wake up and check the news to make sure I’m not expected to vote. By the way, I’m still holding out hope for the Ben Gazzara and Robert Loggia ticket. Rumor has it that John Saxon has agreed to be their Secretary of State. Bet Ben Gazzara would put a stop to this Christmas before Halloween crap.
John Gibson’s “War on Christmas” attack has now turned into a consumer siege. You’ll be so burned out on December 25th that you’ll merely be thankful that you survived the Christmas marketing assault as you eat candy corn with your turkey.
TRANSFORMERS COME ALIVE
My brother Russ caught Bumblebee at the corner of La Brea and Santa Monica.
Next year they’ll have Transformers on Ice coming to a rink near you.
DING!
Criss Angel has gone from mystifying to irritating. Him and Uri Geller are now hosting Phenomenon, a search for the next great mentalist. See if any of them can predict when I’ll give a rat’s ass. And I want the color of the fur on that rat’s ass.
NOT IN THE EYES!
Rumors are circulating that another sex tape featuring Kim Kardashian will be released. Please let this be a cruel lie. The world would be better off with a director’s cut of Van Helsing than seeing Bruce Jenner’s stepdaughter being humped one more time.
Normally watching a celebrity sex tape makes me feel a little bit guilty that I had to peek into their extreme private life. After watching “Kim K. Superstar,” I felt guilty that I wasted bandwidth. If suicide notes are a cry for help. Kim’s porn tape was a cry for attention. She didn’t want attention from mommy or daddy, but from casting agents and people who think Nicole Ritchie is a star. This wasn’t pornography of the flesh, but of dreams. Mainly her dream to become a national sensation with less talent than William Hung. But there’s a difference between her and Mr. Hung. What he lacks in range, he makes up in enthusiasm. Kim has a nice curvy body, but she doesn’t come close to using it. She keeps her bra on for most of the action. Maybe in this rumored sequel, she’ll keep her socks on. Heaven forbid she shows ankle while being pounded from behind.
My sofa was more involved when Jake the Wonderdog humped its cushions. Kim doesn’t merely lie there. She just seems lost. It’s not about the passion of sex for her. She’s screwing for Q points. Perhaps this video was meant to be her screentest for Lars and the Real Girl? Although she dose a poor job of keeping her mouth in the “O” position.
She almost makes me think that Andrea Dworkin was right.
A pal who does occasional work for Vivid Video said if that tape had shown up on his desk and Kim was merely a farmer’s daughter in Iowa, he wouldn’t even slide it over to his worst friend. “Not worth a Kleenex,” he said. If she wanted to be the next Sunny Lane, she’d starve to death. Her path to fame would collapse.
But E! is treating America to the next level of Kim’s road to stardom with Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Why? Blame Ryan Seacrest. She must be sleeping with him. Kim has to share the spotlight with her large family. Somehow we’re supposed to care that they run a little boutique. Judging from the lack of customers, it seems to be an excuse to get clothes at a discount.
The horrifying part of the show is Bruce Jenner. He’s the man who “gave us” The Princes of Malibu. Now we must suffer through more of his offspring. Bruce’s plastic surgery face makes him look like he’s transitioning into being a middle age woman. Seeing Jenner whore his Olympic gold medal ass for fame makes me appreciate the noble pursuits of Eric Heiden.
The first episode shows a family that is so ready to ham it up for the camera and willing to say anything during the interview set ups. These people seem too ready to share their drama with America. They’re worse than the Hogans and Simmons clans. Kim gets upset when she’s invited to go on the Tyra Banks Show and the supermodel kept going on about her porn tape. Kim was under the impression that Tyra would want to know about all of Kim’s other projects. Who cares? And how is Kim going to overcome the stigma of her porn tape? By posing nude for Playboy Magazine! Nothing proves that you’ve moved beyond porn star aspirations than showing your ass for Hef’s crowd. Maybe they’ll get her to remove her bra. At least in the pages of Playboy, she doesn’t have to worry about doing anything, except being naked, staying still and holding an expression. She’s got experience with that.
Maybe next season Ryan Seacrest will create a reality show around Sunny Lane and her parents.
BOWL ME OVER
How come the National Defense University doesn’t have a football team?
A SHOT IN THE HEAD
Why hasn’t the universe collapsed on itself in the wake of an MTV black hole called A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila? Why exactly are dozens of boys and girls lining up to date this woman? She has a million Myspace friends. Why? She looks like a living bobblehead. She was on a cover of Maxim! Wow. That’s a career right there. None of the “contestants” should be allowed to mate with organic matter. Although non-organic seems to describe most of Tila’s body. This is what happens when starfuckers are left to screw each others fame whore asses. This crew is worse than the suitors on I Love New York. This is pornography of the soul.
The worst part of the show is that she’s claiming she’s bisexual, but her final choice will either be a boy or a lesbian. Shouldn’t she be putting together a bisexual harem like Monique Gabrielle? Where’s the Big Love for a little lady? Why must she eliminate rather than accumulate?
I flipped over to watch a minute of the show and it was two guy beating each other up. Why does MTV need to exploit violence caused by women? Doesn’t anyone at MTV want their kids to be proud of their work?
One hopes that the people who don’t win their shot of love, will receive numerous other shots after this experience. Odds are that the beds in Tila’s reality house were the breeding grounds for the super bugs.
This show reminds me of the evil brought unto the world by Myspace’s Tom – who still owes me money. Tom isn’t my friend.
MUSTARD TEARS
Jim McKay must shed a tear everytime he hears, “You’re watching ESPN on ABC.” The network with the most honored sports division let the cable operation brand their broadcasts as if somehow they’ve sold that time block. Once men wore those yellow sports coats with pride as they reported for The Wide World of Sports. Now they have to bow their heads whenever Tony Kornheiser enters the room. It’s a good thing Howard Cosell is dead cause otherwise he’d never stop bitching about how the legacy of Roone Arlege has been desecrated in the name of Mouse Synergy.
Remember that ESPN was where sportscasters clustered when they couldn’t cut it in the mustard blazer.
Speaking of tears, what’s more annoying during the baseball playoffs this season: Frank Caliendo’s Frank TV spots, Dane Cook’s holding back a fart promos or Joe Buck and Tim McCarver’s booth action? You have to truly be a devoted baseball fan to suffer through this quartet to capture the action.
Jacoby Ellbury of the Boston Redsox is about to challenge Tom Brady for hottest hunk in Beantown. Wasn’t it ironic that a Navajo outfielder would deny the Cleveland Indians a World Series shot? At least the tribe’s Ryan Garko can spend this offseason corking more bottles of road champagne.
IT’S NOT NEW
Why are they still “presenting Blue from American Express” as if it’s a new credit card? This piece of plastic has been out since 1999. Nothing from the 20th century should be treated as brand new.
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