BRANSON – Who knew that the hottest ticket this summer would be the Astelins tour. Luckily they are fans of the Party Favors so they’ve taken me along as their atmosphere coordinator.
I’m so messed up backstage with these party boys of Pharm-rock.
Yes, you heard it from me (and not Pitchfork or Rolling Stone), there’s a new genre in town. Pharm-Rock is the hottest thing going this summer. It’s bigger than Emo. Forget about Bright Eyes, the hot women this year have Red Eyes and they want the type of relief that the Astelins bring every night across America. They’ve already sold out Red Rocks, the Staples Center and three nights in Madison Square Garden. Not to mention SRO at the Holiday Inn.
The ladies go frickin’ insane when S breaks out his Side Effects solo. He’d might compete with Tom Jones for panties piles except it seems that way too many of the ladies nowadays go commando. They “Sun” the S by letting him know that the biggest side effect he’ll be dealing with is a vertical smile that Blackfoot would appreciate. Forget Van Halen’s M&Ms, backstage features bowls of the magic pills for the honeys to ingest. It’s like a party at Chevy Chase’s intervention. Although the drowsy side effect makes the backstage honeys easy targets. Even Morrisey could get laid here. I’ve been told the Secret Service has direct orders from the White House to keep the Bush twins away from the Astelins. They’ll clear out your head and your inhibitions.
I’ve hotel partied with Black Sabbath, Judas Priest and Slayer. But the Astelins bring back the debauchery that Jimmy Page would appreciate. I never knew you could get a petting zoo from room service at the Trump Plaza.
The Embarq Trio is the opening act. Those are such a pack of hipsters that their bong has the Grove Press Black Cat logo. I’m filled with pills and wireless action. When will the party stop?
CHARGE IT
They keep pushing the iPhone, Hello Moto and all the wonderful things that they want to shove onto cellphones. They want to send instant movies, music and websites to my tiny phone. But here’s my simple question – have they come up with a battery that lasts longer than two hours? I have a new Motorola phone and that battery needs recharging after a day of barely being used. What hope will there be if I’m doing a Dick Tracy teleconference? Do they sell backpacks with car batteries inside to go along with these new models?
Every time I visit the Genius Bar at the Apple Store, there’s at least two people ahead me that have iPods with dead batteries. Imagine the joy of frying your iPhone battery? Maybe the cellphones of the future should also be able to use their antennas to pick up power from the air? Give us the Tesla future!
TAT ME
Why don’t the give the actual time it takes to get a tattoo on Miami Ink? They make it seem like it takes longer to get a haircut than cover your back with a portrait of your pitbull. When I show up wanting to get a portrait of Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra kicking the crap out of Jack Warner across my back; it’d be nice to know if it’ll be a three day event of pain. Is that too much to ask, Ami?
MOVE BEYOND
This is a simple plea to Michael Bouble – move beyond the Frank Sinatra records. It’s nice to pay tribute to the Vegas legends. But if I want to hear Sinatra, I’ll listen to my Sinatra. May I recommend you crack open Bob Mould’s songbook? He’s written at least a dozen songs that could be interpreted with your lounge charts. “See A Little Light” could make the girls swoon. Don’t merely mimic. Innovate and point out that some people do write them like they used to – you just have to find them. How about doing Nick Drake’s “Poor Boy.” That’s got a jazz vibe and you get to have a mocking moment from your background singers. Clay Aiken didn’t listen to my advice and look what has happened to him.
WHY FAKE IT?
Why does VH1 have Rock Honors? What exactly is the point in them giving time to ZZ Top, Ozzy and Genesis since they don’t play them on that channel anymore? Shouldn’t VH1 be honoring Flavor Flav, Dustin Diamond and Jerry Springer? That’s all I ever see on that channel. Does Spike TV play tribute to their old Country Music programming? Give up the charade, VH1. We know you celebrate the day the music died. Quit ruining VH1Classic by turning it into your junk drawer. I don’t need to see that 12 hour Jackson Family mini-series. Stick to doing freakish old videos, great BBC concerts and the Classic rock.
BOOZE OF THE YEAR!
Party Favors’ Wine of the Year Award goes to a very subtle Barossa Grenache called Bitch from Australia. Whenever we go to the Underground, my wife can’t help, but ask the waitress for a “glass of Bitch!” In California, you can probably get sued. If you’re getting sick of the word police led by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Russell Simmons, do yourself a favor and ask out loud for a bottle of Bitch! And don’t call it the B-word. If you can’t order it right, you don’t deserve to drink it all night.
Speaking with Dan and Linda, my connections in Melbourne, I’ve discovered the Australian wine market is in overdrive. It is cheaper to buy a bottle of wine than a can of Fosters in the supermarket. The Kangavines are bursting with goodness.
I only hope that Bitch doesn’t cut into the market for my private label: Beatdown Vineyards. We’re going after the Nighttrain and MadDog crowd. This is not to be confused with our GetUF’dUp Malt Liquor.
Remember that drinking Bitch doesn’t make you one especially if you cut it with a little Blow Monkeys action.
OVEN SECRETS EXPOSED
Kitchen Confidential lasted only a few weeks on Fox as a sitcom back in 2005. But those folks at the house of Rupes decided that they need to serve up the entrees in the freezer. So now all 13 episodes of the show are on a 2 DVD collection. This is kinda like what they recently did with Pam Anderson’s Nobel prize nominated Stacked!
The show is not even close to Anthony Bourdain’s book. It’s a shame it doesn’t have strange flashbacks to Bourdain’s years working at the deep fried seafood joints of Provincetown. Where’s the pirate kitchen crew with girl nicknames? How come the Chef Bourdain doesn’t talk about the Simpsons? Why does the pastry chef look like Richard Kind’s younger brother? At least the seafood guy is from Harold and Kumar Go to The White Castle. Now that’s a movie that can give you the munchies. Is there still frozen White Castle mini-burgers in the freezer.
If you can accept that this show has nothing to do with the book – it’s a fun sitcom. Bradley Cooper’s Jack Bourdain doesn’t act like the Anthony Bourdain that roams the globe on the Travel Channel’s No Reservations. Cooper looks like Ralph Fiennes’ funny brother. He looks like he could run a kitchen and seduce stewardesses. Pack on a couple more pounds and he’ll be cast in the Gordon Ramsay action movie: Sauteed Ass Whooping in Imax 3-D. I was rejected from the new season of Hell’s Kitchen. Ramsay was jealous of my ability to put everything on Ritz crackers. If it’s good enough for Andy Griffith, it’s good enough for me.
TASTE OF LOVE
Does anyone know if Ewan McGregor is the spokesman for a Haggis flavored toothpaste? Is anything outside of haggis, promoted as having the taste of haggis without being haggis? Do they have Haggis flavored energy drinks in the Seven-Elevens of Scotland?
QUOTE THIS
Can Tiger Woods quote all the lines from Caddyshack II? Does Dan Aykroyd remember any of his lines as Capt. Tom Everett? Chevy Chase must have lost all of his memories from this film about two rehabs ago. Is Jackie Mason more proud of this film or his Chicken Soup series? Jackie’s listed as having starred in A Stroke of Genius with Fred Berry. Jackie versus Rerun. Why isn’t that film getting rerun at 3 a.m.?
NBCee YOU LATER
Expect the Peacock network to be competing for viewers with Ion. It’s like they love to embrace a losing attitude. They won’t be happy until they create a network dedicated to Law and No Deal. Convicts have to pick their jail term from the silver briefcases. Ready to make your pick, Paris?
Chuck is about a computer geek who has spy secrets embedded in his brain. Dude, that a Keanu Reeves movie that runs every weekend on cable. Remember Johnny Mnemonic? Maybe next season they’ll make a series out of Feeling Minnesota?
My favorite show description is Life. A detective is given a second chance after spending years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Wasn’t that the basis of Rockford Files?
How the hell is NBC bringing back the Bionic Woman without having a Six Million Dollar Man series on the air? This would be like remaking The Ropers without having them spun off a second take of Three’s Company. Jaime Sommers is nothing without Steve Austin. Also what’s the point of remaking The Bionic Woman without having DVDs of the original series on the shelf? Or at least they need to run them on Sci-Fi channel when they aren’t doing one of their crappy CGI films. Did any of the guys at NBC recognize the simple fact that the original Bionic Woman aired for 2 1/2 seasons? That’s not exactly a Derby favorite bloodline. Remember what happened when ABC brought back Kolchak: The Nightstalker? Why remake a show that didn’t make it to 100 episodes? How about bringing back Emeril? How about 21st Century Golden Girls with Valerie Harper, Mary Tyler Moore, Cloris Leachman and Ed Asner in drag?
Speaking of the Kentucky Derby, I’m sorry about my hot tip. But at least it allowed the headline to read “Scat Daddy Poops Out.” Which was also the critic’s quote used on the box for Germany’s #1 DVD for the past two years.
SUNDUNCED
Robert Redford has once again dismissed my pairing for Sundance’s Iconclasts. Who wouldn’t want to spend an hour with America Ferrera and Abel Ferrara? Ugly Betty hanging with The Bad Lieutenant in a Brooklyn dive bar might win the Reality Emmy. The fun would be in seeing if America is willing to match Abel’s intact of various substance.
Maybe he’ll finally approve of my fallback: Steve Buscemi and John Waters going to Mount Airy, North Carolina for Mayberry Days to meet the greatest Barney Fife impersonator. Imagine John and Steve swapping tales as they handcrank the ice cream.
SNIFF IT
Bruce Campbell’s “Hungry Like a Wolf” singer ad for Old Spice body spray almost makes me want to drench myself. But I don’t have enough shag carpet in the living room and my Casio’s AC adapter is lost. What am I going to do with all the woman if I can’t tinkle the ivories for them?
DAMN YOU, TIMBERLAKE
I wasn’t completely repulsed by seeing Justin Timberlake in Alpha Dog. Damn it. I want to throw crap at the screen when he appears. But he does an amazing job. He might charm his way to a Golden Globe.
Lukas Haas when greased up looks ready to play Lemmy in The Motorhead Movie in 3-D.
Amanda Seyfried is such a cutie in the film. Be nice to see her in the new season of Big Love (starts June 11 on HBO). Will this be the year that Roman Grant makes her his latest bride as a peace offering? Who else is waiting for Harry Dean Stanton to drop trousers on the channel?
Do wonder if they’ll be having an Alpha Dog and Bully double feature at the teenage halfway house? There really should be a Teens gone extra bad movie series section at Blockbuster call it “The Children of River’s Edge.”
FLIP EXCUSE
Has any busted perv on Dateline’s Predator Kitchen ever claimed that he’s dyslexic and thought the female typing was 41 and not 14? The key to this defense is to meet her at 11:11 so you can have an excuse why you didn’t mess up the meeting time.
ENOUGH RUN
Why does MTV keep showing marathons of Run’s House? Remember when MTV was a scourge of society? Now this? It’s about as fun as watching Springer Hustle. Why the hell is that show on? Enough with the “our jobs are sooooo tough” BS programming. I don’t care. Springer lost it for me when they cut back on hot bisexual strippers that were always cheating on their men. Enough with the touring company of Deliverance: The Musical….in 3-D!
Here’s a special thanks to the guys at E!’s The Soup for biting the bullet and finding the vapid highlights from Sons of Hollywood. Has there ever been a greater reason to demand stars be neutered before they breed these wastes of organic matter? These kids have everything they desire, but they all need a harsh beating. You watch a minute of this show and think Bing Crosby had a reason to smack his kids with a golf club.
STROKE NO MORE
Here are 10 women I no longer think about while pleasuring myself. I’m sorry if you made the list, but it’s just the truth. The lust between us is over. Don’t cry, ladies. I hope you remember the good times or at least remember me thinking about what would have been the good times. If you need any tissues, they’re on the nightstand. Don’t touch the ones on the floor.
- 10. Christina Ricci – even half naked and chained to a radiator wasn’t a turn on.
- 9. Jennifer Connelly – imagined her as a groovy semi-hippie gal. The type that would love browsing through used bookstores before going next door to the adult bookstore. But then she showed up on Leno and came off as Courtney Cox’s sister.
- 8. Jessica Simpson – kept thinking Joe Simpson was hiding in the closet with his personal video crew.
- 7. Gayle King – Oprah kept banging on the door. It ruined my rhythm.
- 6. Angelina Jolie – During her wild days, I’d let her do soooo much to me. Leather, latex, flames, PVC pipe and needles weren’t out of the question. But the fantasies devolved into Brad’s waiting in the mini-van with the kids. She’s on the cellphone saving the world. Angelina looks over at me on the bed and asks, “Can’t you take care of yourself?”
- 5. Drew Barrymore – I won’t touch anything that Tom Green has eaten.
- 4. Winona Ryder – if she had pleaded guilty, I would have had a fantasy of her earning Trustee status at Corey Correctional.
- 3. Bea Arthur – Why fantasize when the dream is only a phone call away?
- 2. Any Woman I Went to College with That I’ve Encountered in the Past Two Years – Those that moved far away from me, you’re still on my good list.
- 1. Uma Thurman – My Super Ex-Girlfriend summed us up.
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