YONKERS – Once again Time Magazine has put out its 100 Most Influential People issue and completely blew me off. In the interest of spite, can I make fun of all 100 people picked before me? David Spade does have permission to steal any material in this article. He needs the help.
Tina Fey: Did I miss 30 Rock being the ratings sensation of 2006 stories? The show is limping in for a second season. She’s the Sheriff had bigger numbers.
Youssou N’Dour: Isn’t this the 20th anniversary of him being pushed into the limelight? Not saying the guy doesn’t deserve a listen, but he’s a cult musician’s cult musician.
Anna Netrebko: The Russian soprano does look nice in red next to the piano. If only she was a mail order bride.
Justin Timberlake: What? He influenced a lot of people to avoid seeing Black Snake Moan.
Sacha Baron Cohen: Borat is so 2006.
Leonardo DiCaprio: I never bought him as a Southie in The Departed.
Nora Roberts: My mom doesn’t read her.
Rick Rubin: Another flashback to 1986.
Marin Scorsese: What a tough pick. Last year he was a flash in the pan.
Cate Blanchett: You know what you did.
Alber Elbaz: The pic made me think they nominated Peter Sellers.
America Ferrera: She doesn’t look Ugly in this picture, although she has the Betty thing working.
Simon Fuller: The man who killed the music.
Brain Grazer: After all the crap he pulled at the LA Times, why did they allow this man in their magazine.
John Mayer: All that matters is that he’s boffing Jessica Simpson. Screw her once, way to go. Keep the relationship going for longer than a month, I question your ability to exist in an intelligent universe. Has Joe Simpson given him notes?
David Mitchell: He wrote a book. I’ll judge him when the movie comes out.
Kate Moss: Do a lot of coke. Let your kids be watched by a junkie. Be a superstar! I don’t want to be influenced by this skank.
Rosie O’Donnell: I was disappointed when her feud with the Donald ended without mutual destruction.
Brad Pitt: He didn’t fight to have his name on the Oscar for The Departed. Too busy holding kids to fight for an Academy Award moment? Plus he’s making “Ocean’s 13.” The nightmare continues. Nice to see the writer skip over the fact that he was boffing Angelina Jolie while still married.
Sondra Rhimes: Grey’s Anatomy makes me fear visits to the hospital since I know my doctors would rather be screwing than stitching me up.
Kara Walker: I guess she’s an artist that does multi-media.
Brian Williams: He’s influential cause his name isn’t Katie Couric.
Queen Elizabeth II: Huh? I wanna get her haircut, right now!
Tzipi Livni: Anyone that Condoleezza Rice can gush about is on my suspect list.
Archbishop Peter Akinola: He’s going after America’s Episcopal Church for electing a gay bishop.
Liu Qi: If I say anything about a Chinese leader, this column will be banned in the Far East.
Condoleezza Rice: “As Secretary of State, Rice, 52, has consistently communicated to the world that although the U.S. is a great nation, it is not perfect.” This is especially come true when it comes to our intell when we invade your country. Pardon the dust we make of your citizens.
Omar Hassan al-Bashir: Any enemy of Don Cheadle is an enemy of mine.
John Roberts: At least he doesn’t have the stripes on his robe.
Sonia Gandhi: If I say anything about her, those call center folks will never let me get another outgoing phone line.
Raul Castro: The Tommy Aaron of dictators.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hopefully he’ll run for another 4 years instead of making “Terminator 4.”
General David Petraeus: John McCain gives him a sloppy kiss the mag. If it was anymore “loving,” the general would be kicked out.
Hillary Clinton: Don’t you already feel nostalgic for the Rodham?
Hu Jintao: Another Chinese leader. Another chance to get banned from taking part in the Olympics as part of the drinking team.
King Abdullah: Thanks for making me pay $3 a gallon to gas up. Hope you have enough gold plated toilet paper for your family.
Nancy Pelosi: Why does she have that hideous laugh? And why can’t she embrace Colbert?
Barack Obama: I think he might run for president.
Michael Bloomberg: He will buy you!
Ayatullah Ali Khamenei: I’m not in the mood to see me burned in effigy.
Pope Benedict XVI: He’s the Raul Castro of Popes. I keep imagining his name is written on masking tape on the Pope’s door bell.
Angela Merkel: Think she got teased about Merkle’s Boner?
Osama bin Laden: This is just a trap. Time expects him to show up at the party and then Obama and Pelosi will shoot him.
Oprah Winfrey: St. Oprah will save the world from evil rappers! She wants us to go green, but then she pimps gas guzzling cars to her audience.
Elizabeth Edwards: Best neighbor a rural guy will ever have in North Carolina.
Warren Buffett: He gave $31 billion to Bill Gates. Cause Bill really needs the bucks. I heard Melinda has been making Top Ramen for the last month.
Drew Gilpin Faust: Was this woman named by Thomas Pynchon?
Wesley Autrey: I always fear getting to close to the subway platform in case a nutjob wants to push people in front of the train. At least we know Autrey will save us.
Tony Dungy: If Rodney Harrison hadn’t been on the DL, Tony would be spending this summer wondering if Peyton will ever will the Superbowl.
Roger Federer: Does anyone really watch men’s tennis? Why not list the world’s Jokari champ?
Tyra Banks: Did you buy her record?
Youk Chhang: Eagerly waiting for Angelina Jolie to adopt him.
George Clooney: He’ll save the world, but he’ll still punish us with “Ocean’s 13.”
Michael J. Fox: When will Jason Bateman play him on Broadway?
Timothy Gittins: He drinks Bud Light. There goes his shot at being the face of Miller Lite.
Judith Mackay: She’s trying to stop smoking in Asia. What does she expect me to do with all my Godzilla ashtrays?
Chien-Ming Wang: Dice-K will destroy you!
Maher Arar: The Syrians told the Bush White House that this Canadian citizen wouldn’t be tortured. If you can’t trust a terrorist country, who can you trust?
Thierry Henry: He’s French and plays soccer. Two reasons to ignore him in America.
Zeng Jinyan: See the Chinese policy as stated above.
Garry Kasparov: Big Blue misses you.
Amr Khaled: They say he’s not a household name in the West. Really? I suggest a vowel to get him big in Iowa.
Al Gore: He knows how to go green with a little help from Willie Nelson.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Brings science to “The Colbert Report.”
J. Craig Venter: I prefer to sample my microbes and proteins in day old peanut butter sandwiches.
Lisa Randall: I know about hidden dimensions. It’s inside the dryer and sucks down only one sock at a time. Sometimes they open up above my bed and leave a woman’s earring on my wife’s pillow. It’s science!
John Mather: He was never nicknamed “the Beaver.”
Elizabeth Blackburn: This woman works with ponds scum. I recommend her as the next manager of the New York Yankees.
Alan Stern: He’s in charge of NASA’s Science Mission. He’s the one hiding my jet pack!
Tullis Onstott: He finds organisms frozen in ice like Packer fans.
Svante Paabo: He’s in charge of evolutionary genetics. He’s making us all look like Elvis, like Mojo Nixon sang.
Steven Nissen: How can he be a big time doctor if he’s not pimping pills on TV?
Richard Dawkins: Never nicknamed “Chocolate Thunder.”
Chris Anderson: He came up with the idea that “Many of us see the same movies and read the same books because the bookstore can store only so many books and the movie theater can play only so many movies. There isn’t enough space to give us exactly what we want.” That why you have to put the DVDs in the binders and get rid of the plastic boxes. You can store more that way, Chris!
Paul Allen: They fixed his teeth in the drawing.
Monty Jones: Think he’s a fan of Monty Python?
Klaus Schwab: The man who banned me from Davos when I wanted to deal with the economy of dating Liz Taylor.
Nora Volkow: Tom Sizemore wrote her article. I didn’t recognize it since it didn’t feature him melting down mid-sentence and bitching about the prosecutor.
Frans de Waal: Does this primatologist have Lancelot Link Secret Chimp in his DVD player?
Douglas Melton: He works in stem cells. How come you never hear about petal cells?
Kari Stefansson: He believes “the more similar its members’ genetic profiles,” they have “the similar risk for certain diseases.” This explains why America still has bouts of Pac-Man Fever.
Richard Branson: Mark Cuban wrote the profile which is fitting since these two billionaires both hosted dud reality shows. Richard does have the better haircut. Maybe Mark should grow the Fu Manchu?
Cyril Ramaphosa: Remember when we had bold union leaders?
Erik Lie: What a great name for a lawyer. Eliot Spitzer writes that Lie “is the Mapquest for the SEC’s investigation.” Has Spitzer ever used Mapquest? The third to last direction is always bogus. What a recommendation.
Pony Ma: He created the “QQ” internet community in China. Thank goodness he didn’t go for “RR.”
Chad Hurley and Steve Chen: The makers of Youtube, the place that will let you break copyright, but gets ticked off if you show a little skin.
Katsuaki Wantanabe: When’s Michael Waltrip going to get into a race?
Bernard Arnault: Indie film guy Harvey Weinstein gushes about the head of Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton. It’s just wrong. Harvey should be talking about the folks that run Yuengling beer. Enough with the expensive French crap.
Clara Furse: Runs the London Stock Exchange, where the economy is based on exporting Benny Hill shows.
Ken Lewis: When the CEO of Bank of America drops by my house, I charge him a $5 service fee to use my toilet.
Lakshmi Mittal: Who needs steel when we have plastic!
Shigeru Miyamoto: He invented the wii controller that destroyed your flat screen TV. Who knew cyber-badminton would be such a costly sport?
Rhonda Byrne: She came up with “The Secret.” I’m wishing she’d deposit her checks in my bank account. Make come true!
Steven Cohen: How come you never hear about Shrub Funds?
Steve Jobs: Mr. Snake Oil. Sure he wants to get rid of copy-protection on downloaded songs, but he won’t let netflix use Safari on the Watch it Now feature. How come people in Japan don’t have a problem hooking their video iPods into TV sets to watch on the big screen?
Philip Rosedale: Who needs “Second Life?” I’m waiting for “Fifth Life” where I’m a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Ho Ching: See the rule about anyone in China.
Indra Nooyi: Ever since KFC (owned by Pepsico) dumped their lunch buffet, I refuse to eat there.
Stephen Schwarzman: Ever since the Blackstone Group bought BMG Music Service and Columbia House, I’ve stopped getting the 12 for 1 CD offers. He’s a bad influence.
Michael Moritz: He backed Yahoo and Google. Perhaps he’d like to invest in Snide.com? The search engine allows you to find rude and negative things about a topic. In a matter of seconds, you can write David Spade’s Showbiz Show.
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