LOS ANGELES, California (AP) — The Hollywood hand-wringing of 2005 has been forgotten. After a dismal box-office year and gloomy prophecies about its future, the movie business has rebounded with a solid — though far from spectacular — summer season.
One of the things that I love about my job here is that I have virtually no one listening to a word I say. I know it’s de regur on talk radio to be contrarian in order to get people all sorts of riled up, I can tell you that the real aim of politics is not effecting change but to make a career on stumping with sound bites, that a lot of stories are written without a clear respect for due dillegence and I can also tell you that this week marks a year since I wrote this column on the premature Chicken Little bullshit about the demise of modern cinemas.
I don’t suppose myself to be a very erudite person when it comes to the film industry. As a person I am able to churn out these columns on a weekly basis and, beyond that, keep a close eye on the major stories that break on a daily basis with regard to Hollywood happenings. I don’t read Daily Variety, I don’t ingest every story that The Hollywood Reporter puts out and, I hate to admit this to such a devoted crowd, I have a life beyond all this glitz, glamour and childish infighting. Movies aren’t the end-all be-all and, really, there is a world that’s worth being intensely interested in if you give it the chance and I think that’s why I responded last year with such vehemence regarding a lot of editorials on the dismal outlook of the movie as an art form. “It’s DVD sales!” “It’s the Goddammed Internets!” “It’s the decreasing choices people have because no one makes good movies anymore!” “It’s the lack of frontal male nudity!”
The fact of the matter is that in any healthy, economic endeavor you can expect that growth won’t always reflect greater and greater returns and that, at times, (gasp! clutch the pearls!) a dip can sometimes be a good thing for an industry. The lesson to be learned by seeing, really, what this mild stabilization was, not the catastrophic descent into Dante’s Inferno, is that there are some market forces driving these things. Is it a reflection of the quality of movies being made? Perhaps. Is it the lack of male nudity? Maybe. What I do know is that the movie industry needs to evolve with its client base. That doesn’t mean studios need to start offering downloads of their flicks mere weeks after their release and it doesn’t mean it needs to start thinking on appropriate action to take against Ming Na and his bootleg franchise deep within China’s mean streets; just be cognizant of what people respond to with their money. I figure it’s an easy enough strategy as open markets take care of themselves when all the variables are still equal but what the hell do I know? I loved BORAT and wish I could sink my life’s fortunes on the success of that movie so take all this blow-hard sassy talk with a few ounces of sea salt.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around how RV made the kind of money it did so until I figure out who the hell was reponsible all these pundits decrying the death knell for modern motion pictures can nuzzle on my sac.
In other, less head-shaking, opinions I have this week I have to suggest a movie. It’s not often when I chance upon something worth noting and usualy I keep these kinds of things to myself but I could not let another week go by without putting a rubber stamp embossed with an “APPROVED” in large Times New Roman font and red ink across LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. If you have a lady at home, or dude, I’m not one to meddle in these sorts of things, I can tell you that this is a date movie you both can agree on. It’s hard to find something that won’t leave you poking at your eyes with a spork but I have to give it up where it’s due. The entire cast is endearing, the story, while not all that compelling, is firm and the ending is good enough to be placed on the endings that won’t leave you wondering where it is you left your brain after having to sit through it. My vote, though, has to go to Alan Arkin for his turn as the family’s elder statesman. Although most would include him as a footnote in the movie I have to slide all my kudos his way. While the direction is remarkably flat, uninspired and fairly rote, Valerie Faris and Jonathan Dayton suprisingly letting me down in ways that their music videos just never did, it’s the really the people that inhabit this film which turn this little indie into a little indie that could. It’s not going to change the world, your outlook on it or make you question your existence but it is very worthy of your cash and that’s enough reason for someone like me.
Director: Prachya Pinkaew
Cast: Tony Jaa, Mum Jokmok, Xing Jing
Release: September 8, 2006
Synopsis: THE PROTECTOR is the highly anticipated full bodied action film starring International Martial Arts superstar, Tony Jaa (Ong Bak). His world shaped by ancient traditions, a young Thai fighter (Jaa) is called to defend his people and their honor after outsiders ruin all that is sacred. Fueled by desire to protect a way of life and avenge the wrong done to his family, he will bring the fight to their city. This film is also known as TOM YUM GOONG.
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Prognosis: Quasi Positive. When is anyone going to realize that trying to pepper my action trailers with exposition and helpful back stories of those in the movies is like going to whore only to have to listen to her blither on about how her day has gone before she’ll let you pitter-patter get-at’er?
Yeah, it’s like that.
I appreciate the effort, I do, especially in a movie starring Tony Jaa who, I might add, has made a tsunami sized impression into the hearts and minds of action aficionados state-side, but cut it. Get rid of it. I could care less about the road traveled by Jaa in order to become the ass-kicker exemplar of his peeps, I want to feel the noise and pain dropped down on my senses like a donkey punch to the gooch. But, since it’s there, I should point out why it just doesn’t do anything for those looking to blaze a few bucks at the megaplex.
First, talking about Jaa’s preferred form of martial arts, which seems to involve elephants and chicks who practice Tai-Chi in the mud, is kind of needless. Unless we see Jaa picking these skills up while practicing them on the scabbed and dirty underclass, delivering punches or exacting pain on the willing like it was free wet T-shirt night at the local nudie bar, I couldn’t care less. Actually, I could.
When we get to the emotional crux of how Jaa comes to be so consumed with ass-kickery of the Nth order I’m a bit let down. We just dwell on some hokey imagery of an old man dying in Jaa’s arms. Yes, this is perhaps needed in order to explain why he’s going from 0 – Pissed but we’re taking too long to get to the chewy center of what comes after all this explanatory BS.
It’s not until we are damn near a ¼ through this thing before we see Jaa leap in the air and deliver a double leg kick to two perfectly centered, perfectly equidistant, perfectly choreographed bad guys and that is really what’s at issue here. If we could get to the visuals first, fill in the back story later, I would be much more pleased at what follows and what follows is a whole lot of nonsense.
Who would ever ride their motorbike down an abandoned building’s narrow hallway and, if you were to do it, are you really the type to wear a helmet only to give Jaa the opportunity to sail over your swiftly approaching body and yank your ass off the seat by said helmet? I am delighted to ensconce myself in these sorts of perfect opportunities. To wit, Jaa cruising down a river that screams out pollution of the fecal variety only to be met with a helicopter that is loaded for bear and hovering mere inches above the water’s surface. This gives Jaa, again, the great opportunity to somehow situate one speedboat on its side while another swift moving boat conveniently launches into the body of the helicopter. It’s crap, sure, but I for one love it.
Oh, and who can deny the perfectly scored middle of this thing when some faceless, nameless opponent decides to fight hand-to-hand with Jaa in a room that’s a few inches deep with water? How the hell did this happen and why are we here? Who cares, right, when the result of these elements results in some more kinetic martial arts? By the way, I feel it’s my duty to also inform you that we also get a near subliminal flash of a lady’s skivvies and ample, ample, cleavage for no good reason at all; whatsoever. No need for it. But, hey, two thumbs up for the thought and much appreciated.
I am also a big, big fan of the moment here in this preview where Jaa screams out loud, with some muscle-bound whitey doing the same, the two of them yelling and running towards one another, with Jaa delivering a sweet double knee impact to this dude’s chest. The 13 year-old in me squeals with adolescent delight.
I’m not sure why or how you would get an off-road ATV on the second floor of an abandoned building, the same way that mo-fo on the motorcycle thought it was a good idea, but, again, this dude is also wearing a helmet for reasons that I realize but seem awfully absurd when you think of their line of work, but it all doesn’t matter when you see Jaa run and vertically run up the plate glass window in breathless slow-motion as ATV guy doesn’t think to throttle it back some before tossing his dumb ass out the window.
Again, it’s better if you don’t think these things through too hard.
Director: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Ray Winstone, Vera Farmiga, Anthony Anderson, Alec Baldwin
Release: October 6, 2006
Synopsis: The Departed is set in South Boston, where the state police force is waging war on organized crime. Young undercover cop Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio) is assigned to infiltrate the mob syndicate run by gangland chief Costello (Jack Nicholson). While Billy is quickly gaining Costello’s confidence, Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon), a hardened young criminal who has infiltrated the police department as an informer for the syndicate, is rising to a position of power in the Special Investigation Unit. Each man becomes deeply consumed by his double life, gathering information about the plans and counter-plans of the operations he has penetrated. But when it becomes clear to both the gangsters and the police that there’s a mole in their midst, Billy and Colin are suddenly in danger of being caught and exposed to the enemy – and each must race to uncover the identity of the other man in time to save himself.
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Prognosis: Negative. Okay, I tried not to laugh. It was the second time I went through it and I couldn’t help myself.
I remember when I watched CAPE FEAR, seeing Robert De Niro getting all sorts of ripped inside his cell right before he brought hell with him into the world, or even TERMINATOR 2 when Linda Hamilton was showing ladies that doing a few dips could help that turkey gobbler which used to be their triceps, I was impressed. Physical toughness is a way to imply toughness of one’s character. Sure it’s shallow but it’s an effective way to express certain traits of an individual without having to explain it. That said, though, when the Rolling Stones start playing in the background and the trailer opens with Jack Nicholson slowly walking across what looks like a service garage I’m all straight faced and into the vibe. When I see Leonardo DiCaprio doin’ dips in his cell block, looking like his hypopituitarism is severely preventing any muscle development of any kind except that one eyebrow muscle that always gets a workout, I laugh a little.
Please. Have him put his shirt back on. No one believes he’s any threat to anyone else besides the Lollypop Kids and even then he’s not statistically favored.
Now, I get that we’ve got Matt Damon on the side of the po-pos, along with Leonardo who’s going to deep, deep, deep undercover (I still like that movie…poor Eddie) and I guess the point is that they’re on the hunt to bring down Nicholson. I also see that for a man running such a large crime syndicate Jack has some of the best dental work that illicit activity can buy. I’m very impressed.
Leo is frontin’ like he shits nails as he sits in his boss’ office as he’s told that his assignment is only going to pay him minimum wage but that there’s bonus opportunities available. I think this is supposed to be comedic but I’m too intrigued in the jaunty banjo-like music playing in the background to notice. Marky Mark gets into the jollyness as he cracks wise, Leo comes face-to-face with our crime boss, a sacrificial lamb, really, as who the f u c k believes that DiCaprio could hold his own with the exception of his ankled (wink, wink) and I am all sorts of confused at the change in tempo.
The trailer downshifts into a hip-hop, FOUR BROTHERS, kind of beat and we run pretty quickly into the particulars of Damon’s job. It’s nice to hear his Bean Town accent again, and I apologize that I laughed again when I heard it come out of his mouth, boorish of me I know, but of all the dialogue we are allowed privy to we get, “There are parts of my job I can’t talk to you about.†Great. Is this OFFICE SPACE where Peter can’t tell his lady about his secret plan to rip off Initech? No, seriously, he can’t.
We get that Matt is on the hunt for the cop that’s in Nicholson’s crew. Long story short: Damon is on the take, has kept Jack out of jail all these years and if Damon can’t find out who it is then Matt gets capped. Okay, how’s this, why not just kill the cherub that obviously could play the human version of One of These Things Are Not Like The Others?
The tempo shifts, again, and we’re launched into an oldie but goodie that’s set against a backdrop of dudes hitting one another, guns, explosions, hey, there’s a guy falling from a building, a lot of bombast from Leo that’s kind of cute and there’s an uncomfortable feeling that there will be a lot of dead people by the end of the movie.
The trailer feels a little bush league and there’s not a lot of wow to it but I know people will give Marty a pass solely because it’s Marty and, holy shit, the man can do no wrong. There is, however, fistfuls of wrong in this ad.
Director: Todd Phillips
Cast: Billy Bob Thornton, Jon Heder, Jacinda Barrett, Michael Clarke Duncan, Dan Foglere
Release: September 29, 2006
Synopsis: In SCHOOL FOR SCOUNDRELS, Jon Heder plays Roger, a beleaguered New York City meter maid who is plagued by anxiety and low self-esteem. In order to overcome his feelings of inadequacy, Roger enrolls in a top-secret confidence-building class taught by the suavely underhanded Dr. P (Billy Bob Thornton). Aided by his assistant, Lesher (Michael Clarke Duncan), Dr. P uses unorthodox, often dangerous methods, but he guarantees results: Employ his techniques and you will unleash your inner lion. Soon enough, the teacher sets out to infiltrate and destroy Roger’s personal and professional life. Nothing is off limits for Dr. P, not even the object of Roger’s affection. In order to show Amanda Dr. P’s true colors, Roger must rally his new friends and find a way to beat the master at his own game.
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* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Negative. What the hell?
Is this ANGER MANAGEMENT lite because this trailer just drips of uninspired tomfoolery, pratfalls and getting-smacked-in-the-nuts physical humor that should play well with the local yokels of Branson, Missouri, but should cause those who thought Todd Phillips was capable of razor sharp comedy just sigh and realize he’s dead-set on using one blade with no plans on changing it.
I think what’s wicked bad here is how we start off. I realize from the time Jane Austen could put pen to paper the notion of women and men not knowing how to come together in a way that’s anything less than awkward is just a trope that will never die but are we all that dense that we have to spend so long in the beginning to establish this?
Jon Heder, passing out from the complete and total and oh-my-gawd intensity of talking to a Real World starlet (how is she still getting work? I bet Milla Jovovich is pissed someone is taking all her 2nd tier roles), is socially inept and horribly incapable of acting like a positive contributor to the human race. He’s got no spine and needs one. Enter, stage left, David Cross, who tells him there is a class that hands out spines (wow, the timing!) and he should check it out. My buddies would relentlessly bust my balls until said spine would come in but since this is a movie our character is motivated by seeking 3rd party help let the wackiness ensue!
I give the trailer credit for allowing Thornton to use the pejorative “retard†to address the class of useless losers assembled to take this guy’s class; impressive as it is bold considering some group that will find that offensive.
So, establishing that this movie will need physical humor to set its jokes off we need a novel new way for dudes to hurt themselves in order to be amusing to the rest of us. Again, the trailer is heavy-handed in its presentation of this but the extended moment here of guys popping off a few paintballs at each other’s balls will ensure a few movie tickets are sold to that core demographic. Well done, sirs.
We move on through the movie’s progression, Heder actually grows a pair and gets the girl, but something happens as Thornton decides to movie in on his lady. Again, wasn’t this the basis for another directorially static production by a different name: ANGER MANAGEMENT? Enrage the other and watch all the zany things that are going to happen as a result? This isn’t a rhetorical question as the answer is yes to both queries.
So, the game is on between these two alpha males and, just like the paintball, (gasp!) we get more balls aimed at another dude’s balls. Great. I’m sure this is a quality comedy if all the physical humor involves high velocity objects entering another man’s twig and berries. Now, before I break bad completely on this flat, limp and uninspired comedy, I will give it a compliment. The scene of Heder and his cop buddies in the elevator who decide to try out a can of mace? The way they all retch and scream as the fumes and liquid invade all of their senses? That, friends, is funny. Nut smashing is so America’s Home Videos. Raise physicality to another level.
Director: Jeff Tremaine
Cast: Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, Bam Margera, Chris Pontius
Release: September 22, 2006
Synopsis: Chris Pontius, Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, Bam Margera, and the whole crew are up to it again with the sequel to Paramount’s 2002 highest grossing film Jackass: The Movie.
View Trailer:
* Large (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Shamefully Positive. I’ve got complaints, sure, but you know what I actually spent my money three times to see the first film. I can honestly state that since this movie’s release I hadn’t laughed as hard as I have at it until BORAT came around. It’s been a long time coming since the world has been given a full theatrical reason to bust a kidney or spleen from obnoxious and boorish behavior of fully grown men but I, for one, am hoping the second installment has the same element of surprise as the first one.
But first of all, come the fuck on.
This is the trailer and I have to endure nearly a ¼ of this thing’s running time just so Paramount and MTV Films can have their lame ass logo linger there, preventing me from getting some more of that infantile goodness?
“When it was released in 2002, People were outragedâ€
Yeah, easily forgiven as my man, the one who narrates most all of PBS’ Frontline shows (public television representin’, yo), uses his steely pipes to really drive home the absurd nature of how grandiose the first movie was.
“A new low†– Washington Times …. “A plunge into depravity†– Toronto Star
I like ads like this. The ones that flip pull quoting on its ear no matter how easy the joke is. This film embraces its obvious audience and I can’t imagine why any frat boy or 13 year-old kid wouldn’t find this an extra incentive to see the movie. Smart.
And just at the point where I was about to get ornery with there being no new footage I find, and I’ll just be upfront about it, I start giggling in that degenerative way when you know that 50% of the population is not about to get what is about to happen, I am looking at those possessing an XX chromosome here, as Knoxville sports a blindfold and then gets the horns of an attacking bull. Nice.
Party Boy pops up, always good for those moments when you need to stray into borderline homosexuality, as is the mark for all good male comedies; Steve-O offers his body to the science of human pincushioning; some asshole with more nuts than brains gets violently (read here: awesome!) yanked off a pier with a LOT of force; some fool decides to get wild with a fast moving shopping cart by riding one straight into a wall; I laugh out loud as Knoxville rides a bike strapped with a propellant of some kind; and I can’t believe that Don Vito, a much beloved side character from Bam Margera’s sideshow, is going to have a tooth yanked by having it attached to a string with the other end tied to a speeding car.
This movie fulfills some need in me; I admit it. I don’t know what that says about me as a person but when I see dudes behaving like this I can’t help a) to not care b) salivate at the notion that this movie is damn near here and c) watch this trailer again a couple more times.
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