NEW YORK CITY – Did I really just do an interview with the Today Show?

By the time this posts, America will have been inflicted with the sight of me eating Cap’n Crunch with my wife. Leave it to network news to rip the facade off my life and expose the ugly truth – I don’t live in my parents’ basement. I live in my wife’s house. And I make her lunch. And I kiss her goodbye as she heads off to work. And then I get on the internet and make the love for you.

Some may call me a lazy dog. Others a damn, lazy dog. Hopefully Evan Seinfeld won’t be saying that since I’ve seen him on TV counting out Tera Patrick’s strippin’ cash. And Kevin Federline better not diss me in a rap song.

I’m not just watching Oprah and eating bon bons. I’m working on my column to make it the greatest document of pop trash. And hey, it got me on the Today Show.

Because of the last minute nature of the piece, reporter Don Mott couldn’t visit the Casa De Corey. He performed the interview over a cellphone. It was like a modified Charlie’s Angels episode with just Bosley in the office. I’m living with the intense fear of how all my words are going to be twisted around so that I admit that Mel Gibson was speaking the truth and that I’m the reason why we can’t get peace in the Middle East. Plus they’ll have me engaged to Paris Hilton.

Do I get grief from my friends and family for not being the breadwinner? I can only blame myself for only having degrees in English and Film. Have you ever heard of companies having fights to recruit folks with these degrees? I might as well have gone after a doctorate in Dinosaur Husbandry. At least that would get me on the History Channel Special T. Rex: Gettin’ It On! or was it called Bones That Bone?

One of my complaints about my lack of a real job is that in video production and publishing, staffs are getting cut. This process was proven when my interview was recorded by a solo production crew. One man did lights, camera and sound. How is anyone supposed to get a foot in an industry where it only wants to pay for one pair of shoes? Even trying to hook up with a publication is such a pain in the ass. Nobody wants to pay or give benefits. Look at how much of your local newspaper is wire reports.

My favorite moment of the interview is when I blame my outlook on full time employment on Scooby Doo. It’s true. Ever see those kids give a crap about getting a real job? Did you ever see them cash a paycheck? They just went through life solving mysteries and not even collecting reward money – outside of food that Scooby and Shaggy devoured. All the cartoons I watched as a kids were pretty “screw a real career.” Did Fred Flintstone really want to work at the quarry? And do you think if Wilma pulled in the fat dollars, he’d be cracking rocks with dinosaur heads?

Hopefully Dr. Drew won’t get brought on as a guest commentator. I don’t need to hear Dr. Drew giving his meatball psychology opinion about my life. This is the man who helped unleash Adam Carolla upon America. I thought doctors took an oath to do no harm? He better not call me a KFed-wannabe or I’ll drop latex gloves on him.

KFed wishes he was me since I get to live the life without having to deal with 4 babies and my wife’s little yappie dogs. At this moment, I don’t have clean feces off my carpet. Plus I didn’t have Matt Lauer’s bare ankles in my living room.

It’s a shame the Katie Couric couldn’t be the one introducing the piece. We had a history. She even had me put my hand around her when we posed for a pic that’s floating around the internet. Such a scandal. I only wish I’d been invited up to New York so that Willard Scott could have compared scalps with me. I feel bad that when I turn 100, Willard won’t be around to wish me a happy birthday. I can’t blame the guy for not working Saturdays. Do you really think that Willard will ever die?

So hopefully on Thursday (August 3) between 7 a.m. and 7:30 a.m., I will be an icon for a new generation of dreamers like Shaggy. The strange part is that I won’t be able to watch myself on the Today Show since I’ll be working on an industrial video in the Research Triangle Park. Maybe I’ll get bumped off the show when Mel Gibson and Floyd Landis are caught in Lindsay Lohan’s trailer?

Just remember folks, it’s all because of my wonderful wife that I’m living the dream. So don’t blow it for me. I got plenty of free time and I know where you live (thanks to my Interpol connections).

Don’t judge me since you should still be judging Mel Gibson.