Director: Mike Newell
Cast: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Robbie Coltrane, Michael Gambon, Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith
Release: November 18, 2005
Synopsis: In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) must contend with being mysteriously selected to compete in the prestigious Triwizard Tournament, a thrilling international competition that pits him against older and more experienced students from Hogwarts and two rival European wizarding schools. Meanwhile, supporters of Harry’s nemesis, the evil Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes), send a shockwave of fear throughout the wizard community when their Dark Mark scorches the sky at the Quidditch World Cup, signaling Voldemort’s return to power. But for Harry, this is not the only harrowing news causing him anxiety…he still has yet to find a date for Hogwarts’ Yule Ball dance.

Prognosis: I’ll Wait ‘Till Video. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have the world finally know you’ve grown pubes.

Sheesh. Awful.

Daniel Radcliffe, though, must love that knowledge being out there as much as pedophiles must hate that their time is running out to snap up that young Emma Watson, who actually is maturing very well after cruising through young adolescence just fine in front of the camera, is drawing to a close.

I would have to go on record as saying the PRISONER OF AZKABAN really was a blessing to kid’s movies everywhere. When you have source material like the Potter series you could’ve kept with the Chris Columbus route and rode that wave to gravy train box office boffo. Instead, like directorial musical chairs, Warner’s goes from using one of the most artistic directors of recent years and now places the series in the hands of the man who gave us FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL and PUSHING TIN. I don’t understand why one would go for someone who is, lack for a better adjective, good, but why?

The last movie was great in its capacity to capture the mood that the other two films did a so-so job in executing. I am not the one who signs the checks but if I were I don’t know why I would take two creative steps forward only to retreat five back in a declaration of mediocrity. I just don’t. This doesn’t mean that I am not eager to see this new interpretation, far from it, as what I see in the trailer here is really catchy.

This trailer, which is nearly a teaser as no one says squat until the middle point of this thing, starts off much the way I would’ve: show the progression.

I think it’s fabulous that we get a look at Harry and Co. as they transition physically from the weak little children they once were into the teens that they are now. It’s so utterly simplistic in its silent execution of showing all four phases of their lives that I applaud the decision not to just jump right into things. The effect that time has had on my boy Rupert Grint isn’t so delightful that he has the perennial look of someone who has constantly been woken up from a nap.

After we’ve established that we’re all coming-of-age we get our plot foundation. And good thing too as the trailer already has burned half its running time on our characters with no mention of where this narrative is going.

Fear not, true believer, as it gushes out in cut scenes and Michael Gambon’s oration of how this movie is all about the Mr. Wizard Tourney that’s being hosted at Hogwarts. While I don’t understand jack about any of this I do understand that what the narration does effectively is to showcase all the glorious money shots that yearns to spend its wealth into the imagination of kids everywhere.

Some of the stuff looks hokey, the “wizards” who compete against Harry have that prototypical bad guy look about them which really does a disservice to the story as you know all the angry scowls these people wear all negate their “chance” at besting young Harry, but I am grooving on the image of the dragon that comes at the end of our video presentation of the trailer. It’s wonderfully rendered and I hope to see more of that in trailers to come. The narration over the cards before it all goes to black?

Director: Gary David Goldberg
Cast: Diane Lane, John Cusack, Elizabeth Perkins, Dermot Mulroney, Christopher Plummer, Stockard Channing
Release: July 29, 2005
Synopsis: Based on the novel by Claire Cook, MUST LOVE DOGS stars Oscar-nominated Diane Lane as Sarah Nolan, a newly divorced woman cautiously rediscovering romance with the enthusiastic but often misguided help of her well-meaning family. Elizabeth Perkins stars as one of Sarah’s incorrigible matchmaking siblings who do everything they can to energize her love life, including posting a personal ad for her with an online dating service; while John Cusack and Dermot Mulroney star as two hot prospects who might just prove too good to be true. As she braves a series of hilariously disastrous mismatches and first dates, Sarah begins to trust her own instincts again and learns that, no matter what, it’s never a good idea to give up on love. MUST LOVE DOGS also stars Christopher Plummer as Sarah’s widowed Dad, who has recently launched his own search for a soul mate with surprisingly successful results, and Stockard Channing, as one of his free-spirited dates who likes to keep several online personalities in circulation.

Prognosis: Does Lane Meyer Need Money This Badly?. Okay, I admit it; I reviewed this one to see what it would be like to not have any testosterone.

It worked. I’m a fully functioning woman after seeing this trailer.

Now, before you all get up in my grill about this, I wanted to review a trailer for the ladies, as this is an equal opportunity showcase, but also try and think like a woman. (I could insert a crack I heard about how to this is in a quite pejorative manner but I’ll save that for later) Women want to be excited to see films too, as they do represent a large percentage of the movie going audience, so I looked at this film with the idea in my melon with the following question: Would I be dragged to see this if my wife caught this between watching Oprah, The View, reruns of Desperate Housewives, and any commercial starring babies, dying grandparents or feminine hygiene products.

First of all, there isn’t a voiceover to be heard anywhere; bold move if you ask me but this is pretty smart on the marketing side of things. The angle is all about letting Diane Lane, who is just supa fine looking as a mature woman of Hollywood and kudos for her still getting some choice parts, just play things out. Show her character. Show who she is. The best way to do this, from watching the opening moments, is to let some poor slob of a dude make the mistake of doing his job at the meat counter. The guy recommends that by buying a little more meat she can save a little money to which she flips out. Seriously, the chick goes off the handle and I can already see why she’s a divorced woman. In fact, I quickly take my Would-I-That? pulse and on a scale from catching a woman on the rebound from a really long relationship after she’s had a few too many beyond a few too many to loony bin, asylum types of woman I would have to say, no, I would have to pass on tappin’ that. Any woman who freaks out too easily could easily be a few glasses of Courvoisier away from….well…you get the idea.

So, we’ve established she’s a nut and is divorced for reasons we can see as clearly as any lighthouse at sea.

Now, check this out, Diane’s best friend, Elizabeth Perkins (those who would hit that sandwich, raise both your hands. Nice.) puts her face and profile online. Let me repeat that: her best friend shoves her onto the Internets, whoring her out, for any guy who comes along. That isn’t even the best part. The best part comes when, after Elizabeth tells her what she’s done, instead of flying for the metal skillet to break her friend’s hands, she nods in acquiescence. She thinks this is a good idea! Awesome. This woman is getting crazier and crazier.

As is the case for any movie where you have a protagonist looking for that special someone, kind of like at a rock concert where you have real crappy opening bands to make those you did pay to see that much better, you have the obnoxious sub-species of male, the Hollywood envisioning of odd blind daters who have readily apparent flaws, before you get the obvious choice: John Cusack.

What pulls me in, as a guy, is that he recognizes how crazy she is. He even mentions the word “mess” to describe her current condition. Now, we all know he’s not going to hit it and quit it but at least we’re dealing on a good honest playing field.

Things go a little awry when Dermot Mulroony shows up and effs everything to high hell but this has still kept my attention to bravo to that. You have the set up, the situation, the twist and are leaving things open to interpretation even though we all know how this will end.

I weep a little on the inside when Natalie Cole’s “This Will Be,” one of the most prevalent chick movie soundtrack songs, montages over scenes with Diane trying to wrestle with which guy she’s going to choose to make a living hell out of.

Director: Andy Byatt, Alastair Fothergill
Cast: Michael Gambon as Narrator (voice), Pierce Brosnan as Narrator (Voice)
Release: June 17, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: The natural history of the oceans.

Prognosis: Positive. Quick, name one of Luc Besson’s best movies from the mid-80’s that starred a not yet washed out Rosanna Arquette and a dashingly brute Jean Reno that every person should watch for no other reason than the cinematography?

THE BIG BLUE.

Without a doubt the film is one of my personal favorites as I actually saw it on Beta, I’m so dating myself, on a night when my buddy Brandon Murphy also rented SPINAL TAP. It was one crazy night for filmic greatness, let me tell you. What attracted me so much to BIG BLUE were its moments of breathtaking shots of guys who deep dive, without air tanks, as far as they can hold their breath while descending insane levels into the ocean. It was at the same time claustrophobic and exhilarating.

What I see in DEEP BLUE, then, is that same feeling of claustrophobia and exhilaration as this documentary starts off with rattling off some very basic facts about the amount of life inside the ocean.

I nearly click stop and move on to something else before the following card pops up:

“…more people have walked on the moon than have seen the ocean’s deepest floor.”

The Vangelis/Yanni/New Age titter of the harp relaxes me as the sweet images of crashing waves, curling surf and of frolicking sea life turns dark and foreboding. The music is stopped for something with a little more of an edge.

Creatures I have never seen before, kind of like that little sprite fairy from THE ABYSS, pull into focus and I have no words that go on and describe what the hell they are. They look fake, they do. They’re independently illuminated by their own bodies and they are shaped in a way I am not anatomically used to seeing. It really is a sight to see.

Then, abruptly, the music speeds up only to slow down as we have a predator/prey thing going for a bit. The fragility of the things with wings is replaced with savage ocean dwellers looking for a snack.

National Geographic gets their own blurb tossed on the screen, appropriate for the kind of picture we have here, and even Voiceover Guy drops in for a shout-out, inviting us on behalf of Miramax, how sweet of them to do that, while an amazing cone of fish swirl like a tornado in the background.

Movies like this are perfect for little ones who are, no doubt, attracted to these kinds of things. Plus, on the upside, this also looks like a movie that won’t bore you to death.

Director: Steve Boyum
Cast: Steve Howey, Mike Vogel, Sophia Bush, Cameron Richardson, Robert Patrick
Release: August 10, 2005
Synopsis: Faced with the suspicious death of their father, two brothers must motivate one another to get back on their bikes and take the Las Vegas Motocross Championships by storm.

Prognosis: Negative. I love it.

“Risk Everything.”

After doing reviews of some really worthy trailers this week, I was in the mood for something like a chocolaty snack. Something that would satisfy my carnal, base needs for an edible foodstuff that wouldn’t do anything more than make me portly. What I found in this trailer, admirably enough, did all that. Still doesn’t change that this film looks like it was made with a budget cobbled together with a few tax returns and a winning box top from a Cap’n’Crunch “Find the Cap’n” sweepstakes.

“Your girlfriend dumped you”

Alright, I was a little harsh in the intro but, begrudgingly, they’ve got the mood down; you need frenetic quick cuts with very little for people to focus on and they succeeded in doing that. The passionate kiss between a guy and chick, who are no doubt in the throes of passion on a Sealy, gets the adolescent horn-dog demographic all riled up.

“Your car was stolen…Your rent is overdue…but these are the least of your worries”

So, it’s kind of like a pseudo serious HAPPY GILMORE set-up, right? Guy needs money, guy seems down on his luck, has “one last shot” to make a name for himself? Am I getting warm? No, because that film’s a comedy and this seems like a drama without the dramatics.

The trailer hasn’t yet shown us our protagonist but that is of little concern when you’re busy showing the asses of young ladies in cut-offs, dudes signing ladies’ stomachs, and displaying all sorts of handlebar-twistin’, helmet donnin’, knock-down fisticuff pushin’ as you round some corners, before ever getting to the narrative. The target audience doesn’t need a whole lot of exposition.

When we do finally get there we’re given a verbal exchange between a shirtless dude and a female rider who make some double-entendre small talk; what that had to do with anything I haven’t a clue. What’s more is that Voiceover Guy pops in to do the job that the slackholes who made this trailer obviously thought was important to get into halfway into the trailer.

”Two brothers…who have never been given a chance…” This is pretty much all you need to know. You can insert eye rolling right about here.

The machismo gets all sorts out of control as we are introduced to our “bad guy,” a meathead to end all meatheads, who tells our “brothers” to watch themselves cuz their in whay over their headz. I’m just surprised to see that this guy’s knuckles aren’t touching the ground as he walks; the things medical science of Hollywood can do to troglodytes is simply amazing.

You get more ladies getting their breasts autographed, there’s lot of shiny bike porn for those who are into that sort of thing, more useless ass shots of women for reasons I am all too cognizant of, but there is some shred of redemption here, kids.

The last few seconds of crazy clips that are pieced together with a block rocking beat are, oddly, well done. They really are. For a movie like this I am a believer that it’s better if no one in the trailer opens their fat, lunk-headed mouth any further than to display their “O” face as they bang some nameless starlet. Just focus on all the action.

As it stands, I am sure this one will survive a week in the theater, promptly making its way to my Blockbuster in two months, and will then languish among all the other DVD’s that will never get rented by anyone else than 13 year-olds who’ll get it because all the other copies of BIKERBOYZ are gone and some foolio done rented all the remaining copies of TORQUE.

Director: Henry Alex Rubin, Dana Adam Shapiro
Cast: Keith Cavill, Joe Soares, Mark Zupan
Release: July 8, 2005 (Limited)
Synopsis: A film about (not quadriplegics but PARAPLEGICS) who play full-contact rugby in Mad Max-style wheelchairs – overcoming unimaginable obstacles to compete in the Paralympic Games in Athens, Greece.

Prognosis: Positive. My friend, Aime Boekhout, plays rugby.

The woman, seriously, and this is no joke, could jack me up hardcore if she wanted to. She’s wickedly fast for her size and incredibly athletic. That’s why I always try to get a running start when I have anything to say about who she’s currently dating.

I saw the trailer for this and thought that no matter where you fell on the fence about this sport, which is played full contact without the aid of girly maxi-pads that are secured all over one’s person, this looks like a great time at the movies. For a documentary, keeping the attention of the audience is key, and things just hit the floor spinning as this thing opens up.

The main participants in this docu are introduced quickly as they explain to all of us how they ended up in wheelchairs. The stories themselves are like little morsels of fascination, one of the guys got into a fight at a party with another dude and his opponent decided throwing him off a deck and snapping his spine was the next best thing, but we see them all in action as they’re ramming the crap out of their wheelchairs into each other.

“You can’t really market murderball to corporate sponsers…”

The intensity of the introductions take a back seat to the delicate piano music that plays in the background as our guys explain how Team USA has risen to a plateau of such prominence in the sport itself.

We get the delegations of other countries showcase, albeit briefly, but you see the kind of intensity that’s stoked in so many of these guys who want to mix it up. Smack talk plays a small role in this but you don’t even think, cognitively, anyway, that these guys can’t walk. I would be scared to play against this pack of people based on the moves employed in this trailer and the trailer does a superb job with invoking the sense of physical impact.

Instead of being told a story, how it starts and ends, you get a snapshot of what this sport means to these men, what this time means for them, in a way that doesn’t so much inspire as it does reaffirm that those limited in physical ability are still voracious and energized to take anything head on with the same machismo bravado as their able legged counterparts.

What’s more is that there is a lot of usage of quotable quotables which, to be fair, helps to showcase how well this movie is being received by some high end critics. I mean, usually, you get some reviewer from The Bunghole Arkansas Times who says it’s the best movie “evar” but not here. You get great comments from Ebert, Premiere, New York Times, and others. It really does help to have this kind of ammunition in one’s back pocket to toss out there.

As the trailer enters its decent into landing, the music gets slightly more manipulative, using “Follow the Day” from The Polyphonic Spree, as our rugby team heads off to Greece to compete on the proverbial world stage; I wonder how tasty the gyros are over there. You get a real flavor for the things that people say and do that show how we all still haven’t gotten the memo that wheelchair bound doesn’t equal helpless gimp but we get the idea that what these men are competing for doesn’t just come in a medal around the neck but that it’s the pursuit of complete dominance of their selves and desires.

That’s a lot of crap to pick up on a few glances but I’ll be dammed if I’m not almost 100% right.

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