Director: Mike Mitchell
Cast: Michael Angarano, Danielle Panabaker, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kurt Russell, Kelly Preston, Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Steven Strait
Release: July 29, 2005
Synopsis: Set in a world where superheroes are commonly known and accepted, young Will, the son of Commander Stronghold and Jetstream, tries to find a balance between being a normal teenager and an extraordinary being.

Prognosis: Positive. Can someone out there answer one quick question for me? It won’t take more than just a moment, I promise: Did Kurt Russell sign a lifetime contract in blood with Disney? Did he slit his own aortic veins open and, in a glorious spouting of viscous red platelets, forever sign allegiance to the Mouse House? I mean, not that I care or anything, but I am just curious to know.

The short review on this trailer is that it looks the way it should. You have more exposition than is really necessary, shots of most any notable person in the flick, and you have Voiceover Guy helping to move things right along at a rather comfortable pace. It looks like the kind of safe family entertainment that many parents will make their cinematic pick for Movie Night. And, you see, that’s not a bad thing, and I am trying hard not to goof on that, but that’s as far as things go for this movie. I don’t even need a review of this movie to tell you that as soon as you are done watching this trailer you know pretty much every in and out of the plot, character, situation, crisis, and eventual ending to the movie. Again, not a bad thing, but it’s par for Disney’s style of marketing movies.

What should tip anyone off, and this is good for those of you who will ever have to take a test about identifying origins of films just based on seeing the opening 10 seconds, that this is a Disney movie is the idyllic suburban setting for the film. The tinkling of the happy piano and the exterior shot of a way too manicured front lawn, and the real unnatural bedroom stylings of a kid who’s about to go to high school is a dead giveaway. Plus, it’s the first morning of school and, judging by the lighting, it’s high noon with the morning glory wattage seeping in through the window. Where are the neighbors down the street who have friends that feel the need to honk their friggin’ horn every time they pass by the home? Where are the douche teenagers who like the sound of glass breaking and, thusly, shatter anything with a silica base on the blacktop just because it “sounds cool”? Nowhere in this Disney picture, that’s where.

Anyway, Kurt is all proud of his son who is starting his high school career at his old alma mater. What’s more is that when the kid gets on the ol’ cheese wagon the wackiness kicks into Ensue mode as the short bus turns into a rocket ship and blasts its way to a flying city of sorts. At first I think it’s a S.H.I.E.L.D carrier (high five to all the nerds in the house who know what I’m talking about) but when I see Lynda Carter acting in an administrative capacity I am hoping Kurt has done his boy right and is sending him off to stay with Wonder Woman and all her Amazon girlfriends. Again, I realize it’s Disney and tuck it back in.

The effects work of all the superhero kids who display their powers, especially after one of the sexaholic nerds pulls a Scott Baio ZAPPED! on some poor fraulien, is fun in a roustabout way and it’s kind of cheeky to see girls getting into the antagonizing act as well.

Bruce Campbell is as solid as ever in his stint as a high school coach of sorts as he determines if his young wards are either going to be superheroes or sidekicks. I dig that. On a kiddie level, that’s funny, and that would sell me on deciding to take my eight year old if I had one.

Of course, though, the son of Kurt doesn’t have any powers and is regulated to sidekick status and his parents play the part of concerned caretakers who look like they’re trying to deal with just finding out their boy likes other men. But, whatever, this is what superhero parents worry about, right? Kurt’s wry comment about dipping his son in a vat of toxic waste just to trigger some sort of power gets a PG laugh from me.

From here, and this has to be my favorite moment, we see that these kids at the high school participate in a HARRY POTTER game of widget, wicket or whatever the hell those wizard kids played. It’s played kids who have powers and those who don’t. The sport is all well and good but that isn’t the best part. Dave Foley and Kevin McDonald of Kids in the Hall fame appear as onlookers. I’m not shy about admitting to a man-crush on all things Foley so I hope his comedy in this film isn’t just limited to just a couple of lines and an extended cameo. The man is genuinely funny and I’d actually make my way to the video store to rent this just to see a little bit more from him. Now, having said this, the rest of the trailer just decides, “Aww, what the hell…Let me just show you the rest of this movie.”

And then you see the rest of this movie play itself out. The bad guys are clichéd bad, the bully in the high school is clichéd bully, and even the ending seems trite and hackneyed but this should be nothing compared to the amount of good, clean fun Disney has planned for the entire film.

Director: David Cronenberg
Cast: Viggo Mortensen, Maria Bello, William Hurt, Ed Harris
Release: September 30, 2005
Synopsis: An average family is thrust into the spotlight after the father commits a seemingly self-defense murder at his diner.

Prognosis: Positive. Want to know why I really didn’t like KISS OF DEATH?

Apart from David “My Middle Name Has Always Been ‘Awesome Career Moves’” Caruso’s problematic acting I just couldn’t take Samuel L. Jackson’s constant eye wiping. The way it was leaking, that hanky he used to sop up the tears, all of it, I just kept on getting that sympathetic response from my own eyes and I damn well didn’t appreciate it. Here, though, I think Ed Harris’ wicked eye problem won’t be much of an issue as long as nothing oozes out of it.

Now, SCANNER and THE FLY. Two great movies. I think with a pedigree like this from a long-standing director, and you open a trailer with an odd hold-up of a diner that ends rather heroically, we may actually have something going here. It’s like pouring a foundation and the purpose of getting the catalyzing thrust of the action out so swiftly only helps to keep people’s attention. However, it’s not very exciting, it’s not exactly gripping, but it simply does not waste time in getting to where things need to go in order to cram everything in and make it dramatic.

The deal is that Viggo runs an extremely clean diner in Whitesville, U.S.A and he’s about to close up for the night. A couple of really old hoods straight out of Deadwood come in and try to stick up the joint. After trying to reason with the gentlemen Viggo pulls a Brad from FAST TIMES, utilizing a Mr. Coffee in his plan of attack. I’m sure he was thinking, “Damn, I’m sure happy I paid attention to how Judge Reinhold got his wrist into it,” and promptly dispenses with the whoop ass. Even shoots a dude.

The town rejoices but (insert dramatic music) he has a secret.

Later, Ed Harris comes by, donning TERMINATOR 3 shades, to talk with Viggo a little bit.

On a side note, Harris oozes the kind of eeriness and hardcore manliness that makes me sit in awe of his prowess as a strong actor and, as he obviously has something to say about what Viggo did, you can sense Ed’s presence as an intimidator.

We’re led to believe that there’s shared history. When Ed, with his blind eye all milky and glassy from whatever impaled into his ocular cavity, casually asks Viggo’s wife, the so-so Maria Bello, why it seems that her husband is so good at killing people I get intrigued. In fact, the booming bass shot that punctuates the scene is perfect.

And the fact that the trailer people keep Voiceover Guy at arm’s length and just let things slowly burn out on its own is great. While not even close to being on any top 10 of mine of the year I am very impressed by the get-in, get-out and leave them wanting more attitude. They could’ve shown so much more and I appreciate the restraint shown in not doing so.

Director: Guy Ritchie
Cast: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Vincent Pastore
Release: September 14, 2005 (France)
Synopsis: Revolver is a Vegas-themed gangster film with characters named The Caddy, French Paul, Fat Dan, Howard The Indian, Johnny Walker and a guy named Dorothy. Several groups of individuals try to screw each other over for a lot of money. It’s the story of a hotshot gambler who becomes tangled in a game with deadly consequences.

Prognosis: Positive. Jason Staham in a Guy Ritchie film? Really? How original.

I say this in jest only because I completely think that Jason has the unique ability to either dissolve into the background of a movie like SNATCH and has the power to bring it all forward if he has to step up in a lead like THE TRANSPORTER. I like both movies for what they are but Jason adds that star quality that you can’t really teach. But, you know, Guy Ritchie isn’t getting off as easy.

The guy can make a good gangster film. LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS, SNATCH, and even his wee film, THE HIRE, bristles with Michael Bay-ian repetitiousness. You can look at this way: Guy Ritchie is like a good DH on a baseball team. The guy is never called up to do anything more than hit the ball. He’s not asked to play the field, he’s not asked to make great plays. His only job is to hit the ball the way he seems to know how to do. Guy Ritchie is that DH. I can’t honestly see any glimmers of talent that can extend beyond the British gangster flicks that he’s so fond of making.

And that’s fine by me because he is so good at it.

The trailer here is presented in a unique way that’s usually only reserved for foreign films: no one gets to say a word.

It’s all about the movement and direction of the characters of this film but, without knowing who is who, you don’t quite know if there’s a bad guy who you’re trying to root against or if this is one of those movies where no one is above reproach.

When the screen opens up and you see Big Pussy from The Sopranos you know, without even having to think about it, that this is going to be another one of Ritchie’s gangster movies. It’s like seeing someone who comes to visit every once in a while; whether you enjoy having that person come around is another matter entirely.

The metaphorical needle scratch comes right after this as we get an oddly indented quote about chess on the screen that lingers there all on its own. I mean, look at it. It’s like the quote was too damn small but they had to figure out a way to make it seem bigger. “Oh, I know what we can do,” Trailer Maker says, “We can just fill the top of the screen with the quote, leave a while lot of black space in-between, and then shove the name of the person who said it all the way down to the bottom like I’m trying to squeeze an extra pair of flip-flops into an already bursting piece of luggage.” “Brilliant” is the only answer that I assume came back. It’s jarring, though, to the eye.

Next scene is a bulb poppin’ flood of light. It’s a casino and as the camera pulls in quickly to a couple of people who are standing in front of it we see it’s none other than Ray Liotta. It’s always a pleasure to see that a guy in front of a camera. He was always meant to play in these kinds of movies, no doubt about that.

The guitar riff that rolls through the various cut scenes, one is a shot of Jason walking out in the middle of the rain outside of some correctional facility, thugs abound, a chess match plays itself out, some guy pops another, and some skuzzy ho dangles her taco, protected by some delicious pieces of white silkiness. The lollypop the lady sucks on is, I take it, some visual reference of how well she can pleasure a guy? I always think that about chicks who suggestively slob on some Charms Blow-Pop goodness but I’m fairly dense about these matters.

The other thing you’ll notice in the second half of this trailer is that this new movie from Ritchie seems a bit bloodier than recent productions. There is lots of it in the subsequent scenes of the many gunning downs that seem to be happening on the screen along with the number of guns that are brandished. There are a LOT of them and I am genuinely curious to know if the events in this picture are going to take place from across the pond or whether these guys are just good at getting armaments.

And that damn lollypop chick shows up again but, this time, her lollypop is gone, I wonder for a moment if she’s able to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie-Roll pop because she likes to felliate so many men. Just wondering.

I do, also, have to give up props to how this trailer ends. Two things: 1) When the guitar is wailing, showing us all the groovy money shots of the guns going off, and it just stops abruptly, with Ray walking away from the camera, his heels clicking off the hard floor with long taper candles flanking him, that’s money. I liked that. 2) The card that tells me that this movie isn’t coming to me until “Autumn” is funny. I don’t know why. My Americanisms limit that word to “Fall” and anything beyond that get just me thinking how much more formal that sounds. I like that too.

Director: John Singleton
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Andre 3000, Ice Cube, Tyrese, Garrett Hedlund, Dax Ravina
Release: August 12, 2005
Synopsis: Four brothers look to avenge their mother’s death.

Prognosis: Negative. Was this the same guy who did BOYZ N THE HOOD? If it is, indeed, the same guy I want to know what alien symbioyte invaded that man’s head and is currently preventing him from making quality films instead of this cookie cutter action flick.

I have high hopes for Singleton as a director and I couldn’t wait to see his newest directorial effort. I hear that Tyrese Gibson is in it and I say, alright, the guy did his thing in 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS: WE’RE SO FUCKIN’ FURIOUS THIS TIME. I hear Mark Wahlberg is in it and I give him the benefit of the doubt. I loved THREE KINGS but thought that ITALIAN JOB was just a showcase to display his ability to memorize some lines with such hollowness I wondered if it was the hypnotic lure of his well-built pectorals and well defined mid-section that got him the job. Then, I see it: Andre from Outkast. I give up. I’m sure he’s great and all but, damn, Andre was that powerful of an actor, who, by all accounts, is really a musician? I’m talking to every actor very seriously here like I would if I was that South African guy when he tied up Sgt. Murtah in LEATHL WEAPON 2 in those hushed tones: I would be going nuts. I would be going out of my head just thinking of how messed up things must be when the guy from “Hey Ya” gets a major supporting role while you’ve been busting your ass doing Shakespeare in the Park and shilling for Bank One in those Maximum Checking ads I keep seeing. It must suck.

Anyway, back to the trailer.

Things open up with a toast to an old lady. Mark, Tyrese, that “Hey Ya” guy, and some other white dude are giving praise to their adopted mom. They’re from “the street” but they got hearts as big as skyscrapers. It’s all very sweet. You get a white joke tossed in there for kicks, as you’ve got two brothers who are white, two who are black, and it’s all very sweet. Loving, you could say.

As we all know from Trailers 101, class, whenever you start a trailer with people smiling, you can expect that to be filled with something else after just a few moments.

Luckily, we don’t have to wait that long.

Ol’ mom’s gets popped in a convenience store (See??? A couple of weeks ago I told you my theory on convenience stores and the inherent evil of them and I am ashamed to see what I thought was a goofy theory just get played out by someone who I thought was a creative director.) and it’s here that I’d like to test the water for a reaction for an idea I have. What would all of you think if there was a concerted effort to see chicks bite it just as hard as guys do in films. Guys seem to be the only ones deserving of squib treatment and seeing this old woman get shot, off camera, raises an issue with me. I want to see that shotgun blast take her out along with some Big Grab sized Doritos and a display of Pepsi 12-packs. I call for equal treatment but I can understand if I’m the only one out there who thinks this.

Anyway, back to the trailer.

So, mom is shot dead and everyone has that filmic kind of scowl on their face. It’s that, “Eeee yar! I won’t rest until you’re avenged, mother!” along with, wouldn’t you know, one of those strident walks where everyone is walking in a long line and it’s all in slo-mo. Isn’t this also kind of hackneyed? I thought we goofed on it in SWINGERS and that was going to be the end of it? No? Ok, never mind.

So, the trailer shows our guys taking the law into their hands, acting all sorts of shot crap as they play Columbo and try to figure out, with steely bravado, whodunit. The language and speech with which these guys talk is rough to listen to without checking IMDB to make sure, absolutely positive, that John Singleton directed this movie.

Oh, and there’s some more laughter at the expense of the white actors in the film, so I appreciate that as well.

The rest after this is just more exposition about how these little detectives are going to figure out who killed their ma.

Now, I appreciate the effort to make a movie that is part whatever and part whatever else but I can’t watch a trailer like this and not feel that there is something seriously missing that would make me want to see this film. As it stands I just wouldn’t be able to recommend to anyone that this looks like an enjoyable night at the movies. It looks like a fairly good matinee but that’s about it.

Director: Wong Kar-Wai
Cast: Tony Leung Chiu Wai, Li Gong, Takuya Kimura, Faye Wong, Ziyi Zhang
Release: April 23, 2005 (Tribeca)
Synopsis: He was a writer. He thought he wrote about the future but it really was the past. In his novel, a mysterious train left for 2046 every once in a while. Everyone who went there had the same intention…..to recapture their lost memories. It was said that in 2046, nothing ever changed. Nobody knew for sure if it was true, because nobody who went there had ever come back- except for one. He was there. He chose to leave. He wanted to change.

Prognosis: Nervous. This trailer does a real disservice to itself.

The movie, ostensibly a sequel of sorts to IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE (one of my top 25 of all time), is about how two people collide with one another in a resplendent splash of requited and unrequited love.

What you see on the screen, though, doesn’t even come close to getting this across. You really do need to have some of these people talking to one another so we can get the point of what this film is all about. It starts off wonderfully enough, though.

You have a woman and man looking at each other in a dingy apartment hallway, longingly, as the narrative is right on track. You “get it,’ you know? These are two individuals who are more than likely going to hook up with one another. A card in-between shots rightfully states that this move won some awards. Best Actor and Actress at the Hong Kong Film Awards is a good way to establish that all-essential credibility people look for before investing in a foreign flick.

However, all that momentum is replaced with BLADE RUNNER.

The scenery changes, the mood shifts and we kind of get that it’s far in the future from when these people first met. We can get that much, thankfully, but there should most definitely be more than that. People need to feel that they can identify with these people on the screen but the trailer keeps us at arm’s length. Every person in this trailer looks despondent and we don’t know why.

We deserve to know what’s going on as the whole idea of a movie is to tell a story but what we get in return are people making out, and we don’t quite know who these people are as we’re “in the future” and the lightening isn’t helping me any with putting my fingers on who is who.

There’s a lot of making out, which I can appreciate and get excited over, and the effects are sublimely sad. I feel my mood sinking to these people’s level.

There’s a whole lot of people closing their eyes tightly as they toss their heads back, like they’ve just been kicked by a chimp in the nards, and a handful of artistic shots that start to stray into the realm of artistic expressionism which, if I could be so bold as to make a statement on, is not a good idea when trying to sell this movie to the greatest number of people. It goes to that area that’s best reserved for when you finally have people sitting in front of you, but that’s just me.

That all said, though, the lens through which all of this is being filtered is unadulterated joy. Wong Kar-Wei appears to have made a visual delight of a film that I know won’t be like BLADE RUNNER, won’t be too heavy on existentialism, although there will be some, and hopefully the smoky and slow style with which he directed IN THE MOOD will make its way into this newest chapter of love between two people who could never seem to take the step towards love that can finally be everlasting.

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