HOLLYWOOD – The Razzie is the only honest piece of hardware awarded out each year during Award Season.
Nobody starts a whispering buzz for a shot at Golden Raspberry Award greatness. You think Don Murphy forked up Harvey Weinstein money to get Transfomers: Revenge of the Fallen to beat Land of the Lost? Of course not. Mike Myers didn’t fly the Razzie bigwigs to Toronto to make them lust after the Love Guru. Unlike to weasels at various critic groups, the Razzie members don’t vote because they want certain stars at their big award dinner. The Razzie doesn’t care if you show up since a majority of the winners barely showed up in their films.
The amazing thing about the Razzie is that unlike Best film of the year, rarely do you hear anyone declare a Razzie “winning” film wasn’t really that bad. Gigli, Catwoman, Freddy Got Fingered and The Postman still hurt my eyes after all these years. Nobody moans and groans that somehow Battlefield Earth didn’t deserve the prize over Little Nicky. There’s no Goodfellas versus Dances with Wolves we wuz robbed arguments.
There are hundreds of sites, blogs and podcasts that predict the Oscars. But what’s the point? They’re letting Russell Brand vote for the Oscars now. Does he really deserve to tell you what the greatest film of the year is? He’s a Razzie front runner for a lifetime achievement award just for Arthur. Why follow the alleged campaigns of winning and losing meaningless critic and industry awards as if it’s a college football season? Why aren’t these groups concerned about exposing the most painful performances they had to sit through to collect their reviewer paychecks? The New York Critics Circle spends 364 days trashing performances and one day sucking up to the stars. Blah. You can’t enjoy the worst without remembering the crap that sticks to the popcorn bucket.
So enough talk about those artsy fartsy films that will be making the award circuit. You’ll be suffering enough as they keep acting surprised at every televised ceremony from now until the Kodak Theater. Let’s focus on the movies that won’t worry their cast with the threat being woken up on Oscar nomination morning by Ryan Seacrest.
Original predictions had this year’s Razzies overwhelmed with comic book movies. There were so many directors who took two-dimensional superheroes and made them even more hollow and forgettable. So many great actors paychecking for the joy of maintaining their mansions that have been stuck on the real estate market for two or more years. How can anyone compete with the utter clunker of Thor? There’s Kenneth Branagh directed Anthony Hopkins, Natalie Portman, Colm Feore and Stellan Skarsgard in CGI mess. Branagh ought to get an award for forcing Idris Elba to wear a ’57 Chevy. Smurfs inspired a mother to drunk drive her daughter home. But the race for Razzie might not go to a comic book inspired flick. How could Thor, Smurfs, Transformers: Whatever They Called It or Green Lantern not be the peak of badness with their CGI soul sucking powers?
Your Highness smoked them all. My old classmates Danny McBride and David Gordon Green did me proud by proving that they can make a major budget dud. A box office implosion when you know your film school has made it. Anyone can make a low budget indie darling that barely makes a dent in receipts. Your Highness was the kinda film that made us back in NCSA ponder who the hell signs off on a $75 million steaming turd? They found the secret of Cut Throat Island and The Postman. The best part was how the trailer pushed Natalie Portman even though she didn’t show up until the last few reels. How could an Oscar winner be exploited any better than in a Xena knock-off project? Your Highness smelt like skank weed which is the odor of Razzie glory. What could derail it’s chance to sweep?
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star horrified the world with another cinematic abortion from Nick Swardson. Swardson keeps lowering the bar with his untalents. He wrote Benchwarmers and Grandma’s Boy so he knows how to turn used toilet paper into Happy Madison green lights. He has acting skills ought to be listed as self-inflicting deadly weapons. His emoting will scrape your corneas. Bucky Larson is about a dork who thinks he’s got the genes to be a porn star. But he’s a disaster. Luckily no full theaters experienced this dud on impact. Did I mention Adam Sandler took credit for co-writing the script? Even John Hughes kept his name off the poster of Drillbit Taylor. Why did Sandler need to put this on his resume? What drove him to admit he spent time in a room with Nick talking about “improving” the script? How can Adam Sandler not be gay since it’s hard to fathom why he keeps supporting Nick. He makes Roseanne look like a genius for forcing Tom Arnold into America’s living rooms. Nick Swardson stole Danny McBride’s glorious night of raspberry bliss. Although rumor had it that as a compromise, Danny and Nick would win “Worst Screen Couple” as the terrorists in the heart warming comedy 30 Minutes Or Less. Little did they suspect that a familiar name would destroy all their plans including “Worst Screen Couple” glory.
Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill is not merely the front runner, but the dominator. They might have to take back awards from last year to truly represent the badness of Sandler playing a brother and sister. Once again Nick Swardson plays his screen pal. Does Rob Schneider cry when he notices Nick has more lines in Adam’s new film? Nick should have been a lock for worst supporting actor until Al Pacino slummed it up for Sandler. Tony Montana weeps for what’s become of Al Pacino. Swardson can’t even claim Worst Couple since there’s no way Sandler doesn’t win for his dual role. There’s no denying Jack and Jill the everlasting honors that haunt Bruce Jenner and the Village People in Can’t Stop The Music.
The Razzies might surprise us with a indie vote towards Tree of Life. But it’s hard not to see Jack and Jill pull a sweep since the Blu-ray ought to be released in time for the final vote. The resolution will magnify the badness.
?It would be great if there was award shows leading up to the Razzie. A non-stop shaming of a slumming and untalented filmmakers. They’d keep showing up at glamourous venues hoping that the critics and their peers didn’t think they sucked the worst. The “winner” would get pulled from the envelope and four other people would rejoice. Ice Cube might quit accepting the scripts rejected by Cuba Gooding Jr.
HOLLYWOOD FEUDS
Seems the blood feud between Patton Oswald and Zach Galifianakis is splitting Hollywood Hard. Rat Vs. Wolf is getting more bitter every day as these two send shots over the intertubes at each other’s domes. Patton recently asked Zach if he smelt Patton’s ass on the last script he accepted. Zach is suing for sole custody of Brian Posehn.
The anger has gone into overdrive with The Office‘s Phyllis Smith reportedly whipping out the claws on Mike & Molly‘s Melissa McCarthy. People are crying as they have to take sides. Who really topped the box office? Did Phyllis in Bad Teacher blaze the trail for Melissa in Bridesmaids as some suggest? Or has Phyllis had her turn at the top? Will this turn into another Tupac-Biggie?
STAMP HIM
If you want to see Ernie Kovacs on a stamp, send a postcard to:
Dana Gioia
Citizens’ Stamp Advisory Committee
c/o Stamp Development
U.S. Postal Service
475 L’Enfant Plaza SW
Room 3300
Washington, DC 20260-3501
WHITE CHRISTMAS
Now a little holiday treat from Prep and Landing‘s new DVD featuring Betty White. We can’t have enough Betty.
BLU-RAY HEAVEN
Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil is a deep fried ball of Deliverance andEvil Dead covered in Three’s Company. This should be your Christmas Day movie instead of War Horse.. The movie starts out like the normal college kids go on a vacation in the murky South and find themselves murdered one by one. But it isn’t the usual slaughter cinema. Tucker (Firefly‘s Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Reaper‘s Tyler Labine) are two redneck guys eager to fix up their new vacation cabin. They are a blissfully oblivious to the nature of the cabin’s former owner. During a midnight fishing trip, they paddle near the skinny dipping college kids. Allison (30 Rock‘s Katrina Bowden) falls into the water and knocks herself out. When Dale rescues her, the other college kids think the two rednecks have taken her hostage. Thus commences a great comic misunderstanding film with a severe body count. Tyler Labine is at the top of his game as he brings so much heart to his shy country guy. He’s a tender fuzzy teddy bear in a trucker cap. The pancake scene made me want to cry syrup. This is the best romantic comedy that involves someone going through a wood chipper since Fargo. The Blu-ray picture look fantastic. The best of the bonus features is “Tucker and Dale Are Evil: The College Kids’ Point of View.” They cut the film so that the duo truly are terrorizing the kids. Tyler and Alan crack each other up in the bloopers. This is a special cult film that deserves to be a stocking stuffer.
DVD SHELF
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Volume XXII is more Sandy Frank love from the Satellite of Love. Sandy Frank was a TV producer who distributed various Japanese movies and TV shows in America. He’s responsible for Battle of the Planets and Gamera flicks. He became a superstar when nine of his movies (including 5 Gamera installments) ended up on the third season of MST3K. Joel and the Bots came to fear his name during the opening credits. Mighty Jack is a confusing mess. This super spy movie was snipped from a Japanese TV series. Sandy just put the first and sixth episode together. This cheap way to make a movie gets loads of cracks from everyone. The invention exchange explores the strange relationship of Dr. Forrester and Frank. What’s up with the doc’s legs and Frank’s desires? The big musical number is “Slow the Plot Down.” You’ll be humming this in theaters forever. “Time of the Apes” is another case of Sandy turning a Japanese series into a single film. This is a Planet of the Apes rip off except with even cheesier monkey masks. A scientist and two kids get frozen. When they wake up, it’s in a world ruled by apes. This episode features the brilliant “Sandy Frank Song.” Sandy supposedly didn’t like being roasted by Joel and the Bots. Nobody expected these episodes to get on DVD, but they’re here. “The Brute Man” stars the unforgettable Rondo Hatten. He had a huge face due to his being exposed to mustard gas during World War I. In the movie, he plays a man furious at his disfigurement. He seeks revenge on those that caused it. He also falls in love with a blind woman. He goes on a crime spree to pay for her operation. Does he really want her to see him? What helps this episode is “Trail of the Creeper” which is a biography of Hatten. Turns out he died shortly after making The Brute Man. Sandy Frank kinda makes a cameo as a slick character that arrives to take Pearl out on a date. Dr. Forrester doesn’t want him as his new daddy. “The Violent Years” had my attention with teen debs terrorizing the neighborhood. This was written by Ed Wood, but somehow not directed by him. It must have been shot while Ed attended the Angora festival in Sante Fe. The Mad Scientists come up with their own musical theme song to help widen the audience. Can Mike and the Bots match them? Volume XXII is a pure delight with the mixture of Sandy Frank, Rondo Hatten and Ed Wood.
Action Double Feature: The Nickel Ride and 99 and 44% Dead gives us two Fox releases from the mid-70s that deserve a larger cult following. Nickel Ride is Jason Miller’s follow up to his priest role in The Exorcist. He’s an underworld hustler whose big job is to take care of the storage warehouses used by the mob for all the merchandise they collect from hijacked trucks. Business has been so good that Miller needs to line up a new warehouse. Mobster John Hillerman has a trust issue and assigns cowboy Bo Hopkins (the man who wasn’t Jerry Reed, but appeared in Burt Reynolds’ movies) to watch Miller. Or is he supposed to take care of Miller? It’s a nice piece of gritty crime drama. 99 and 44% Dead is a Pop Mobster epic from John Frankenheimer. The opening credits set up a comic book attitude. There’s a mob war breaking out in the big town. Richard Harris (Orca) gets the call during a card game that he’s needed to fight for Edmond O’Brien. His mission seems simple until he discovers Chuck Connors has been hired by the rival Godfather. Connors has a giant claw hand that looks borrowed from Live and Let Die. There’s major chase scenes to keep the action flowing when the plot gets too loopy. Harris appear to being channeling Michael Caine in his attitude and haircut. This is an interesting double feature of criminal attitudes going from the intense to the flighty.
Conan The Adventurer Season Two: Part 1 gives another 13 episodes of heroic action. After a successful first season as a Saturday morning production, the producers went for a weekday strip release. They stuck with the same major goal that Conan, the not-quite Barbarian, is seeking to bring his family back to life after the evil Wrath-Amon turned them to stone. He’s part of the serpent men that are up to no good. Conan’s only real protection is a sword made of Star Metal. This collection has the first 13 episodes of the 52 episode season. Conan keeps getting tested and attacked as he puts together a confederation to battle the snake men. “Tribal Warfare” has Snag and Conan going at it after the Snakemen make it look like their tribes are feuding. “The Vengeance of Jhebbal Sag” turns a good spirit evil when Wrath-Amon gets his split tongue going. “The Red Brotherhood” swaggers with a female pirate on the scene. “The Crevasse of Winds” gives a clue how Conan can save his family from the evil spell. But can he get the book? “Earthbound” has a breaking of the rank in Wrath-Amon’s army. While they calm down the sex and violence associated with Conan, the animated series keeps up with the action found in He-Man.
The Adventures of Tintin Season One is a faithful adaptation of the Belgian comic strip drawn by Herge. Tintin is a plucky boy reporter who goes around the globe solving mysteries with his fox terrier, a formerly drunk Captain Haddock and the Thompson Twins detectives. For those of you eagerly awaiting Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson’s adaptation of Tintin, there should be a Spoiler alert. This collection has the three comic books that were combined for the motion capture CGI Christmas blockbuster. “The Crab with the Golden Claws,” “The Secret of the Unicorn” and “Red Rackham’s Treasure” appear in the animated series as if the pages of the comic book have come alive. The animators went the extra step to make sure the series doesn’t look like a cut rate visual bootleg. Their approach is much better looking that Spielberg’s creepy CGI characters that look like Body Snatchers that have been hatched before they’ve full formed as humanoids. Also included in The Adventures of Tintin Season One is “Cigars of the Pharaoh,” “The Blue Lotus,” “The Black Island” and the “Calculus Affair.” The final installment is considered the best of the series. Between the price of your movie ticket and the higher cost of 3-D glasses, you can buy this DVD boxset. You’ll feel less creeped out by the properly animated TV series versus Spielberg & Jackson’s synthetic concoction that’s overblown with John Williams’ score. And you won’t feel left out when the overgrown kids at the water cooler babble on about the movie. You’re vision of Tintin will remain pure and untainted by Andy Serkis covered in pingpong balls.
Mission Impossible: Season One ’88 revived the classic spy show from the ’60s. The series was brought back during a writer’s strike when a network executive decided they could use the classic scripts to avoid dealing with writers. Peter Graves returned as Jim Phelps, the leader of the Impossible Missions Force. His older appearance wasn’t a shock since he’d been doing ads for a phone company announcing, “It’s for you!” The old Mission Impossible took place all around the world which resembled the Desilu backlot in Hollywood. The new show was made in Australia so now they had to fake being in SoCal. Phelps new crew includes Grant Collier, Barney’s son. Phil Morris really was Greg Morris’ son. Phil went on to be the legendary lawyer Jackie Chiles on Seinfeld. The season starts with “The Killer” revamp. John de Lancie (Q on Star Trek: The Next Generation) is the top hitman that takes out Phelps’ replacement. The retired IMF agent gets back in the game to avenge his protege. “The Condemned” reunites Phelps and Barney Collier under bad circumstances. Barney’s been framed by a crooked Turkish cop for murder. Jim and his son have to spring him without causing an international incident. “The Legacy” brings back the lost Nazi gold. “The Devils” brings a taste of human sacrifice. A British royal is taping into Satanic ceremonies to get control over government officials that need the dark arts to maintain their power. Phelps arrives as the ultimate of evil. The 19 episodes of the first season aren’t bad. The show doesn’t quite have the same atmosphere of the original since it was shot on film and edited on videotape. It’s got that ’80s Matlock texture. There’s only one more season to go.
The Lucy Show: The Official Fifth Season brings even more major stars to visit the insane world of Lucille Carmichael (Lucille Ball) and Mr. Mooney (Gale Gordon). “Lucy with George Burns” breaks her as Burns’ new comedy partner. Can she really handle big time show biz? Strange to see Burns not playing up his 100th birthday. “Lucy meets the Law” brings her face to face with Claude Akins (Sheriff Lobo). That’s stardom. “Lucy and Paul Winchell” reminds us that there was another famous ventriloquist before Jeff Dunham. Paul’s big star was Jerry Mahoney. Carol Burnett answers the ad in “Lucy Gets a Roommate.” Look carefully since Joe Pesci is part of the band that shows up. Carol sticks around long enough to tempt Lucy to ditch work in “Lucy and Carol in Palm Springs.” What can go wrong? How about Mr. Mooney staying at their hotel. “Lucy Gets Caught Up in the Draft” has the elderly redhead reporting for duty. There’s a cameo from America’s greatest marine. “Lucy and John Wayne” really does feature the Duke. She pesters the guy until she destroys Wayne’s latest movie set. The legendary Joseph Ruskin is the frustrated director. Phil Silvers straightens out the bank in “Lucy and the Efficiency Expert. “Viv Visits Lucy” brings back Vivian Vance for fun with hippies. Viv’s hunting for a kid that’s gone underground and groovy. Mr. Warmth warms up the TV with “Lucy and the Fight Manager.” Don Rickles gives hers her a puncher’s chance. The big bonus feature is “Lucy in London” featuring The Dave Clark Five. I’m in pins and needles over this one.
Transformers Prime: Darkness Rising brings back the Autobots and Decepticons for another series. The show is done in CGI. Darkness Rising covers the five episode mini-series that ran on the Hub last year. Thankfully they cut off the opening and closing credits and edited it together as a single 106 minute long movie. The show gets a major starpower boost with The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) voicing Cliff Jumper. Although he doesn’t quite lay down the smackdown when he’s captured by Starscream and tortured. This could be considered violent for small kids if I haven’t seen the evil a toddler will do to a Transformer action figure. Things get scary when undead Cybertronians attack Optimus Prime and pals. It’s more entertaining than Transformers Dark Slab of Confusion and is free of Shia LaBeouf. They still have the little kids that help the Transformers, but they’re CGI. This makes them more well rounded than Michael Bay’s characters. Contrary to the rumor spread on Amazon, this DVD is presented in widescreen anamorphic.
Gunsmoke Fifth Season, Volume 2 wraps up the penultimate half hour batch of episodes. The show at this level remains extra tight in its storytelling about the action around Dodge City. This is still the time of Chester (McCloud‘s Dennis Weaver) as Marshall Dillon’s right hand man. “Hinka Do” puts a woman in charge of the Lady Gay Saloon. Matt thinks the woman might have bought out the previous owner with a little force. “Moo Moo Raid” has a cow being shot to death. Do not watch this with any of the Borden products. “Jailbait Janet” is an excellent title. But this time the daughter isn’t into seducing old men. She’s robbing the train station with her family. They view it as payback since the railroad burned their crops. “The Bobsy Twins” has nothing to do with the kiddie books. In this case it’s two brothers eager to kill indians. Richard Chamberlin (Shogun) is part of the wannabe mayhem. “Old Flame” wins big bonus points for having Lee Van Cleef (The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. He’s supposedly beaten up Matt’s old “friend.” But Kitty thinks the woman is lying. Another great collection proving less was more when it came to Gunsmoke episodes.
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