SUN CITY – What are you going to when it comes time to retire? Do you really have enough money saved up to last you for the rest of your life? Can you hold out till Willard Scott puts you on the Smuckers jar and wishes you a happy 100th? Will you really be enjoying the good life with round the clock sponge baths from young orderlies? Have you done the math to figure out how much it’ll cost for a day at a retirement community in 20 years? Can your 401K hold out?
Odds are the answer is a resounding, “Maybe?”
The golden years require platinum reserves. With talk that Medicare is about to be destroyed, your budget for health insurance is about to go completely out of control. When is the last time Blue Cross hyped individual policies for people hitting 90? Even the most frugal of senior citizens won’t be prepared for that cost.
The Party Favors futurists have seen the two great alternatives that will allow you to go back to sleep without fearing the incoming bills when you’re too old to keep your job at the UPS night shift chucking boxes. One is a longshot salvation while the second is a sure thing.
The longshot is easy: Win the Megabucks or Powerball. Or win the MegaballPowerbucks. The odds are completely against you pulling this off before your funeral. We’re all dreamers, but maybe it’s time you review the sure thing.
Why not retire to prison?
Shocking? What’s wrong with spending your golden years in the big house? You’re assured a bed, three square meals a day and complete medical by simply being an incarcerated felon. You make new friends and enjoy recreational activities in the yard. Isn’t that what a retirement community promises? Except there’s no sticker shock. You don’t have to worry about how much anything costs. You don’t have to be anxious about drowning your loved ones with a massive bill that sends them to bankruptcy court. You can enjoy living behind bars without a care.
Senior citizens going to prison is already tending. Each day the newspaper lists another major crime committed by a formerly clean-living grandma and grandpa. Recently a 71 years old Walmart Greeter robbed his store after his shift was over. He fired off his gun into the wall. The cops caught him without an issues. When the judge asked why he had to fire off a weapon, the old guy declared he wasn’t going to settle for a suspended sentence. He wanted his mandatory time for an armed robbery. He wasn’t going to get plea bargained out of his life sentence. He wanted the dream retirement package.
The rooms are rather on the small side and semi-private. However if you make enough of a fuss, you’ll get the solitary accommodation. Elders might fear being forced to room with the various factions as seen on Oz. But as more senior citizens are processed for hard time, they’ll become the biggest gang in cellblock. Nobody will mess with the AARP Mofos. By having fellow elderly inmates, they’ll be able to keep from being a model prisoner for the parole board to spring. These formally sweet old people can get in a little fight now to build up demerits. They will always remember to tell the parole board that they’re ready to commit some more crime. Prison has made them embrace the thug life. Once they admit to regretting trespasses against society; they’ll be paying for medical care. They’d be going from an outlaw to a victim with only one co-pay.
Of course the big fear is being sodomized in the shower. Old people aren’t quite the fresh fish that get passed around in the joint like a pack of Lucky Strikes. The odds are the same that after taking nightly tranquilizers, they’ll be molested by the retirement home orderly. But the difference is they won’t be paying to have their private parts violated. On the plus side, it’s human contact and a great way to make new friends.
Prison will also bring together relatives. Think how excited grandkids will get when they know they’ll be visiting the big house to see big daddy? No more fears about the darlings getting them sick thanks to the visitation glass. They’ll be proud to wear a “My Grandfather is a Trustee at Central Prison” t-shirt.
The good thought is that they’re never too old to embrace a life of crime. Nobody passes on your resume in the midst of a felony. The next time you read about a grandmother busted for selling crack or a grandfather robbing bank, you won’t be asking why. You’ll be jealous knowing that they’ll be enjoying their golden years without burden while your stuck paying the monthly bills.
OH ICE
Is that really Ice Cube pushing Coors Light? Has he really gone that low to pander for the lamest of the lame? He’s one pitch away from being the face of Saltines, Depends and Summer’s Eve.
How dare Ice Cube turn his back on St. Ides Malt liquor.
He promised me that St. Ides makes my girl get in the mood quicker and makes my jimmy thicker. What could be a better reason to drink up? Now he’s pitching Coors Light so that I can spend most of my time at the urinal. How dare he betray the St. Ides for a corporate devil.
Somebody needs to pour a 40 of St. Ides in memory of Ice Cube’s balls.
CORMAN’S CORNER
Roger Corman’s Cult Classics Triple Feature – The Women In Cages Collection is a threesome of sweaty prison action from the Philippines.The Big Bird Cage, The Big Doll House and Women in Cages give an uncensored looks as to what goes on inside tropical hellholes where women prisoners disappear. All three films star Pam Grier in various roles. The Big Bird Cage let Pam play a revolutionary seeking to overthrow the local tyrants. She and Sid Haig (The Devil’s Own) get in trouble when an assassination goes wrong. Former Price Is Right Barker Beauty Anitra Ford is sent to prison on a bogus charge. She hopes to charm her way out. But can she escape the Big Bird Cage? It’s a giant machine made for tearing apart the sugar cane and a prisoner or two. The Big Doll House makes Grier one of the girls trapped inside the prison. They want to break out and need Sid Haig’s help. Women in Cages makes Grier a sadistic guard. She’s ready to take her pleasure in the fresh meat. The big bonus feature is “From Manila With Love.” This nearly hour long documentary deals with Corman and crews adventures in the jungle. For fans of the Women Prison genre, this collection must be on the shelf. The new transfers bring out the moisture on the actresses before the group shower scenes. The Blu-ray of this triple feature will be out on August 23. Can you sweat it out? Take note that these three prisons are not recommended for alternate retirement plans.
DVD SHELF
Gordon’s War / Off Limits are two tales dealing with the Vietnam War. Gordon’s War is from the ’70s Black action era. Paul Winfield (The Terminator) returns to Harlem after serving as a Green Beret in Vietnam. While he was defending his country, his sister overdosed on drugs. He wants to make a difference by putting together a crack unit to take out the pimps and pushers. Can his plan of attack work? Ossie Davis directed the action with the same eye he brought to Cotton Comes to Harlem. Off Limits is about having one of the worst crime beats for undercover cops. Willem Dafoe (Platoon) and Gregory Hines (Cotton Club) investigate the murder of a prostitute in Saigon, Vietnam at the height of the war. They quickly learn that nobody really wants this case solved. There are too many suspects in a environment where being a heartless sadist is seen as a positive trait. Director Christopher Crowe had helmed a Miami Vice episode and uses the moist Bangkok location to his advantage. There’s a glow to the blue light districts. Dafoe and Hines work well as partners. Both films have commentary tracks. Tony King and cinematographer Victor J. Kemper discuss Gordon’s War. Crowe and Dafoe remember Hines’ work on Off Limits. A fine double feature of action from both sides of the world.
Rio Conchos / Take A Hard Ride is a double feature that takes football great Jim Brown (The Dirty Dozen) to the wild West. Rio Conchos stars Richard Boone (Paladin) going after the Apaches for killing his family. He gets into trouble when he steals a repeating rifle from the army. His only chance of avoiding prison is to lead a small group into Mexico on a mission. Brown is one of his men. This was his first movie gig that wasn’t shot by NFL films. Take A Hard Ride reunites the cast of the Black action classic Three the Hard Way for a true Spaghetti Western. Brown (Slaughter) is the badass, Fred Williamson (Hammer) is the sophisticated gambler and Jim Kelly (Black Belt Jones) is a kung fu indian. The trio are joined by bounty hunter Lee Van Cleef (The Good, The Bad and The Ugly) on a gold oriented adventure. This is a cross genre film that works. The guys get to play themselves in cowboy and indian form. Watch this with a bottle of St. Ides!
Giant Robot Action Pack: Robot Wars / Crash and Burn is a double feature of two Full Moons’ early hits. Charles Band scored a hit with Robot Jox during the Robo Tech era. Naturally he was eager to follow it up with more big robot low budget films that would score. Crash and Burn was originally released in parts of Europe as Robot Jox 2 even though it’s not a sequel. This was the first film role for Megan Ward. She was interviewed in the Party Favors for the Dark Skies boxset. She works at a TV station in a post-apocalyptic wilderness. Things get ugly when a synthetic robot goes wild in the station. Will Ward survive with the help of Paul Ganus? Robot Wars was also marketed as part of Robot Jox, but has nothing in common with the previous film. This one involves massive robots beating each other senseless. It’s got future plastic surgery disaster Lisa Rinna with natural lips. The double feature paved the way for so many of the low budget movies that now dominate SyFy at night.
Spider-Woman: Agent of S.W.O.R.D. was one of the first motion comics animated by Marvel Knights. The frames come alive. They didn’t animate the lips this time so it’s more about bringing the pages alive. The DVD covers the short comic series created by Michael Bendis and Alex Maleev. They have taken the Spider-Woman character and made her member of S.W.O.R.D. She’s out to expose Skrull agents disguised as fellow superheroes. She has to take down one that’s posing as Spider-Man. The best way to destroy the impostor would be to cast him in the Broadway Musical. The guy would be dead before the first matinee. There’s more nonsense with S.H.I.E.L.D. They are the jerks of comic books. Nicolette Reed’s voicing of Spider-Woman makes up for the lack of lip movement. This is much better than merely reading the comics since I don’t smudge the pages.
Transformers: Beast Wars – Season 1 truly transformed the toy-based TV series for a new generation. Instead of a traditional animated show about alien robots that transformed into cars, Beast Wars went completely CGI. The guys behind ReBoot were brought in to code up the robots. A small group of Maximals and Predacons battle it out on a strange primitive planet. Instead of being cars, they now switch between being robots and animals. There’s gorillas, dinosaurs and rats with mechanical parts. This change works well with the primitive character designs from budget minded CGI of the mid-90s. The show doesn’t feature any cute human kids which makes it an immediate favorite of mine. Instead we’re just given these two sets of mecho-critters constantly plotting against each other. The show moves at a good pace even with the blocky figures. Shout! Factory has also released Transformers: Beast Wars – The Complete Series for those who want the other 26 episodes from the original run. The bonus features include the original 3-D tests and a featurette that explains how the ReBoot guys transformed The Transformers.
Rubber shall be this summer’s movie to watch when you’re good and messed up. Rubber is the greatest Wings Hauser film ever made. Imagine if the SyFy channel wanted to make an art film about a nasty monster. Well forget that daydream cause this weirder. An abandoned tire comes to life and rolls down to a desert motel as it stalks Roxane Mesquida. How dangerous can a tire be without a car? Extremely dangerous since this one has Scanner powers. That’s right, heads blow up on the screen. Director Quentin Dupieux combines the joy of drive-in cinema with absurdist theater to create a movie that is the Four Loko of entertainment. Wings Hauser plays a wheel chair bound spectator to the tire’s destruction. Truly his finest work in the midst of the insane action. Rubber deserved five baked potatoes if that rating system is still active.
The Secret Life of the American Teenager: Volume Six brings another 12 episodes of the hit ABC Family series. These kids have a lot of secrets to hide from each other. Not to mention a lot of secrets they’re looking to create with each other. “Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner” has a mom dip her toe in the lesbian dating pool. A big part of this set is dedicated to a wedding that involves a pregnant bride. Will they make it to the altar before her water breaks or the groom runs off. It’s teen hormones meets pregnancy weirdness. What’s worse are when members of the wedding party want to get hitched. It’s peer pressure run amok. Iain Kanics will enjoy knowing the series still has Molly Ringwald (Sixteen Candles), although she’s not a teenager anymore. The final episode on the boxset contains the end of season three that just aired. There’s no break before Season 4 kicks off so watch this fast if you’re looking to catch up. As a bonus, there’s skins for your iPod in the box.
Rawhide: The Fourth Season, Volume 1 brings Clint Eastwood back on the trail. Here’s an other 15 episodes of the series that established him as a star before he went overseas to make his legendary spaghetti Westerns. “Black Sheep” has Clint facing off against Richard Basehart (Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea) in a cattle vs. sheep battle. Even Billy Barty arrives in “Prairie Elephant.” He’s not the title elephant. Fans of The Rocky Horror Picture Show can shout at the screen when Charles Gray rides up in “Inside Man.” Fan of regular Rocky get Burgess Meredith in “Little Fishes.” The future Penguin brings fish across the frontier. Barbara Stanwyck plays a tough broad in “Captain’s Wife.” The show is a great Western with a lot of doggies to get along and move along that trail. There are preview and sponsor spots as the bonus features.
MOD SQUAD
More MGM titles are being put out on their Manufacture On Demand program. You can get these through your favorite online DVD website. Seems this is the best way to see many of the American International Pictures gems that didn’t make it to the Midnite Movies Double Features collections.
Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw (1976) ought to be out on Blu-ray. Why? Where else are you going to see Lynda Carter (Wonder Woman) naked in a lake eating magic mushrooms? Why isn’t this film in the National Registry at the Library of Congress? She’s not hiding behind a golden eagle while running around the Southwest of America. Why is she running? Cause she’s hooked up with Marjoe Gortner (Earthquake). He’s a quick draw artist at a Wild West theme park. He goes outlaw and hit the road in a stolen car. Lynda’s a sweet girl who wants to be wild. Marjoe drops by her restaurant and they hit the road to the next Bonnie and Clyde. This is just fine gun play fun worthy of any drive-in theme night. At the end of this film, I’m so jealous that Marjoe got to motorboat Wonder Woman. That’s a career achievement that’s better than receiving the Kennedy Center Honor. Not watching this film should be considered a crime in 34 states and the District of Columbia.
Old Dracula (1975) was meant to cash in on Young Frankenstein. The two films played in tandem at quite a few theaters. David Niven plays the elderly bloodsucker. He’s opened up his castle to earn a few quick dollars off tourists. He jazzes up the joint with fake bats and works as a waiter. A group of Playboy playmates arrive for a photoshoot. At the same time Dracula needs the right kinda gal to revive his wife. Things go wrong and Dracula’s wife comes back in black. This reminds me of Vampire Happening except with a hotter Dracula. Niven has a ball playing a sophisticated vampire. While the movie is full of playmates and references to the magazine, the nudity action is PG. This is not Cinemax After Dark material. The trailer is included. Director Clive Donner would helm The Nude Bomb – the Get Smart reunion movie. It’s more fun than Hammer’s Satanic Rites of Dracula.
The Gun Runners (1958) remakes To Have and Have Not with Bogart now being played by World War II legend Audie Murphy (To Hell and Back). Audie’s now the charter fishing boat captain that resorts to running guns into Cuba to pay off debts. The action is show around Key West to lend to the local flavor. The heavy of the film is the normally sweet Eddie Albert (Green Acres). Close your eyes and guess where you’ve heard Everett Sloane’s voice. Don Siegel also directed Dirty Harry and Invasion of the Body Snatchers. This is a worthwhile remake.
Patty Hearst (1988) explores the true story of a newspaper heiress that was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army in 1974. Months later she was spotted as part of the SLA’s holding up of a bank. She went from being a kidnap victim to a domestic terrorist. When she was captured by the police, she was put on trial and convicted of her role in the bank robbery. Her punishment was 35 years in the big house. The legal system didn’t want to believe she had been brain washed by her captors. The film explores the mind games the SLA played to transform Patty into Tania. The movie is taken from Patty’s autobiography. This is my favorite Natasha Richardson performance as Patty becomes Tania. Ving Rhames is menacing as SLA leader Cinque. Dana Delany is also wielding weapons to bring on the revolution. While director Paul Schrader is best known for his Taxi Driver script, he gets visually creative while getting the audience to understand what made Patty snap and crossover to her captor’s reality. The trailer is included.
The Call of the Wild (1972) captures Jack London’s novel about a sweet house pet shanghaied into a sled dog crew in the unforgiving Great White North. Luckily he’s a German Shepherd and not a little lapdog. He learns to adjust to the cruel elements while he works as part of Charlton Heston’s team. Director Ken Annakin (Swiss Family Robinson) leads his stars through the frozen landscape. The movie takes a few liberties especially in casting since the book has the dog with white fur. What are the odds that a producer wanted this change to keep the dog from vanishing into the snow? The film was made all over Europe and not Alaska which explains why the movie is dubbed. It’s like a Spaghetti Western in the frozen tundra. The german shepherd outshines Heston.
Those Lips, These Eyes (1980) is an obscure showbiz drama starring Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon) as the lead in an outdoor production stuck in Cleveland. He befriends a local kid (Tom Hulce) that’s working as crew. Frank’s waiting for Kevin McCarthy (Invasion of the Body Snatchers) to snatch him back to Broadway. A dashing young Jerry Stiller plays Tom’s father. Jerry’s not happy that his son is choosing the stage over college work. This was directed by Michael Pressman (The Great Texas Dynamite Chase). Frank’s rather inspiring as he talks acting in the character. Here’s a bit of trivia: Tom Hulce dropped out of the North Carolina School of the Arts when he was cast as the lead in Broadway’s Equus. The school wouldn’t let him take a year off and finish his degree later. Tom smartly reasoned the nobody in showbiz gives that much of crap if you have a degree when you audition for a part. The lead in a major Broadway production does get your headshot noticed. After he became Tony nominated, the school snuck him a degree since it sounded better on their promotional material to call him a graduate. Hulce now produces Broadway shows including Spring Awakening and that Green Day musical. I wonder if he’ll produce my version of Moving Midway: The Musical? Those Lips, Those Eyes is one of those sweet, lovable tales of middle American big dreams in 1951.
High School Hellcats (1958) reminds us that problem cases in the educational system aren’t a new thing. Gangs didn’t just crop up in the ’80s with the rise of the rap wars. Turns out in the ’50s white girls were the Crips of this town. The troublemaking, all-girl gang control the high school. Things get nasty when a lead girl turns up dead at the movie theater. I’m excited about this release since it’s an American International Pictures release from back when they did plenty of juvenile delinquent flicks. This should have been part of the Midnite Movies series. The highlight is a make out party. These girls go all the way to second base!
Blood Bath (1966) is a twisted film that deals with an artist killing his models by dumping them in boiling wax. It’s kinda a less humorous version of Buckets of Blood William Campbell is the artist. Sid Haig has a supporting role. The film started out as a Yugoslavian co-production with Roger Corman taking control to get it released in America. He ended up getting both Jack Hill and Stephanie Rothman to direct new scenes. Hill is responsible for two of the three films in the Women in Cages boxset. He also made Pam Grier’s Coffy and Foxy Brown. This is another American International Pictures release.
Park Row (1952) is director Sam Fuller (The Big Red One) throwback to his early days in journalism. This is about a newspaper war back when a city actually had more than one newspaper. Fuller would probably be sadden by the state of today’s newsprint world. There’s lots of dirty tricks being pulled to boost circulation by the rivals. Gene Evans is the big star. Fuller invested his own money to make this film and lost it. This reminds me of an old showbiz truism: all success stories are different. All failures begin, “I believed in this film so much I put a second mortgage on my house and cashed out my 401K.” Outside of Hollywood Shuffle, self-financing a film never works. Fuller is beloved as an indie icon for the way he made movies over his lifetime.
Harry In Your Pocket (1972) is another great James Coburn flick. Nowadays people are so worried about their computers being hacked and identity stolen. Back in the ’70s people did this the old fashioned way by swiping your wallet. Coburn is the master of pick pockets and he puts together a crew that includes Michael Sarrazin (Gumball Rally). The gang goes around the globe proving that no wallet is safe from their sticky fingers. The film was directed by Bruce Geller, the creative force behind Mission: Impossible and Mannix. This explains the amazing Lalo Schifrin score.
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June 10th, 2011 at 11:36 am
The nice folks at Shout! Factory sent over a link to a coupon that lets you get the double feature Blu-ray of “Spider-Woman Agent of S.W.O.R.D. and Iron Man Extremis” for $19.99 at Best Buy between June 17-18.
http://www.shoutfactory.com/news/410/marvel_knights_blu-ray_at_best_buy.aspx#axzz1OtAOs4Kt