ENCINO – One of the joys of life is not in the getting, but the ability to give. For the longest time I thought that sentiment was bullshit. It sounded more like the excuse of plague carrier. How can giving a trophy be better than receiving it? I found myself overblissed while handing hardware to a certain star.
In case you tuned in late to the Icon Celebration special on the Dumont network, that was me on the podium announcing that 2011’s Spirit of Bob Crane Award winner was Charlie Sheen. Tears of joy were shed on the trophy that’s a bronzed Sony Portable camera from ’77. Who knew Charlie was capable of emotion – especially anyone who bought the DVD of Navy Seals.
Charlie continues the legacy of the late great of Bob Crane. Both starred in completely absurd sitcoms. Crane played Col. Hogan on Hogan’s Heroes. We were supposed to believe he could run a major allied operation from beneath a Nazi POW camp. Charlie appears on Two and a Half Man. We’re supposed to believe he’s family entertainment and wears those shirts. What’s a bigger suspension of disbelief for a viewer? This would be easier if Jon Cryer looked more like Hitler.
What ultimately led the jury to their decision is how Charlie embraces Bob’s belief that “A day without sex is a day wasted.” Charlie has numerous canceled checks to prove he walks the walk and talk the talk and bangs anything within his air space. He now has the Goddesses populating his life. Bob would so approve of having porn stars around the house even though he’d be having them do more action on his Ustream channel if you know what Bob means.
There were plenty of reservations in giving the award to Charlie since along with sharing the love, he’s gotten nasty and surly. His recent meltdowns on Ustream have gone from good natured joshing to please let this be a scream for help. He’s like his father playing Col. Kurtz in home movies. He’s kinda like what we would have expected Keith Olberlmann to be doing on internet after he split with MSNBC. These two guys are baseball loving fans who despise their old bosses. The difference is that Keith showed us the new Topps baseball cards instead of rant about MSNBC dorks. Charlie needs to lay off Chuck Lorre since he’s proven that he can be funnier than Chuck. Odds are high that Chuck will turn his fury on Jim Parsons. Please don’t hurt Jim Parsons, Chuck!
Why is Charlie Sheen delighted to be working with Mark Cuban on an HDNET series. Why? Charlie is all about Tiger Blood and Winning! Mark Cuban has how many NBA championship rings? Where’s the winning? At least I have a Midget League champions trophy on my mantle. I’m a winner. Maybe Cuban will be smart enough to shoot the Warlock rants in 3-D using red and blue glasses. I’ve already told Charlie he needs to stock his show with Jell-O wrestling with the ladies. People love the debauchery when you’re smiling. That gameplan has made Howard Stern’s career.
Ultimately we hope that Charlie Sheen embraces the Spirit of Bob Crane Award and learns the lesson about the lifestyle – lock up your tripods after dark.
As we were leaving the ceremony, it began to rain. Charlie took it as a bad omen. But I informed him that it was Bob Crane’s tears from heaven. He was touched that Charlie was living the dream that he feared America would never accept. Winning!
ESCALATOR DISASTER
If you remember back in the Fall, I wrote about being part of the great escalator disaster during the Rally to Restore Sanity in Washington D.C.? Well they finally released the footage from the bottom of the escalator at L’Enfant Plaza Metro Station. You can see the giant pile of humanity. And you can spot the star of my “Josie Rallies for Sanity?” video on the left side right before the nastiness.
Here’s my original short:
BIG RUMOR
The word on the cable street is that Time-Warner and Comcast have decided to offer FoxNews and FoxBusiness as premium channels in certain markets. Fans of the channels will pay $2 a month to watch their favorite news and commentary shows. Why? Now that Comcast owns CNBC & MSNBC, they’re looking for an advantage to goose their ratings while not affecting the bottom line. Time-Warner is the same way with CNN. An unreleased poll conducted at the end of last year showed that constant viewers of FoxNews would be willing to pay extra to have the channel – like they do for HBO and Showtime. This is win-win since people who hate Fox News will no longer think they’re contributing to the channel’s coffers.
SPITEFUL MILLIONAIRE
I already hate Secret Millionaire because of its secret message: Rich People are nice too so don’t touch our taxes. This is the same sort of BS programming that makes Undercover Boss just one big pity plea for love. Here’s a simple thought – if giving matters this much to a rich person, why do they need network time to do it?
These fat cats want to be as famous as a poor pregnant Teen Mom.
Where’s a TV show about a poor person who sneaks inside a Rich Guy’s elite country club to make these stuffy jerks think he’s on of them? Or how about an series where the lowest ranked employee gets into the board room as an alleged fat cat? Of course that doesn’t happen cause the last thing rich people want to know is that they’re not that special. They have to belittle the poor acting rich like The Beverly Hillbillies or My Big Redneck Wedding. The harsh reality is a majority of the rich are trailer trash who fashion their life off Architectural Digest instead of the Jerry Springer Show. Look at Donald Trump’s hair – is it any better than what you’d see on the top of a People of WalMart photo?
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
Louise Lasser (Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman) makes a cameo in this video for The Indecent’s “Her Screwed Up Head.” These kids are so adorable, I want to adopt them or at order them to do yard work.
BLU-RAY HEAVEN
Battle of the Warriors really comes alive in 1080p. It’s an epic film that requires a big screen. The small town of Laing finds itself being attacked by the huge Zhao army. in 370 B.C. It looks like they’re going to be overwhelmed. But they don’t count on Andy Lau (Infernal Affairs) stepping up to defend the city. He’s a bad ass when it comes to big time fighting. He’s not going to cower in the wake of a siege. He’s ready to go 300 on the Zhao. You’ll get sucked into this with a good 50 plus inch screen. The bonus features include a commentary track with Bey Logan and nearly an hour long behind the scenes special. Here’s a couple clips to tempt your eyes.
DVD SHELF
Mystery Science 3000: Volume XX is all Joel Hodgson with the Bots. The biggest thing on the boxset is both episodes of Master Ninja. You might remember this goofy series by its original series title: The Master when it aired on NBC in 1984. They slapped together four episodes to make 2 movies. Lee Van Cleef (The Good, The Bad and The Ugly) is the only American Ninja in Japan. He returns home to find his lost daughter. His only help is Timothy Van Patten (The White Shadow), his van and his hamster. Lee is hilarious in the role since he loses 40 pounds when he gets in the black ninja suit. There’s plenty of odd guest stars including a really young Demi Moore. George Lazenby (James Bond in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) proves he hadn’t fallen off the face of the earth in ’84. The best part is when Joel comes up with a new theme song for the series. Project Moonbase is a first Comedy Channel season episode with Josh Weinstein. The space movie is so short that we get two chapters of Radar Men From the Moon. The Magic Voyage of Sinbad is a big budget Soviet film that isn’t really about Sinbad. But that’s half the fun of the riffs that attempt to make it be a film about Arabia. Mike Nelson’s voice does crop up during the sketches. The big highlight is the bonus feature of Tom Servo Vs. Tom Servo from Dragon-Con. Besides bringing together Josh Weinstein and Kevin Murphy, we get to spend 45 minutes with Ken Plume! That’s right, the editor of Asitecalledfred returns after last year’s Crow Vs. Crow. They talk about fan reaction to the switch and bring out a nasty “letter.” Hopefully this years Dragon-Con will rule with the rumored Cambot Vs. Cambot. If you order this straight from Shout! Factory’s website, they’re throwing in a squishy ball made to look like the MST3K moon logo as seen here:
Roger Corman’s Cult Classics Double Feature – Jackson County Jail / Caged Heat! is what happens when future Oscar winners get involve in women behind bars. This is a double feature that requires you to bring money for popcorn and bail. Jackson County Jail serves as a warning as to why people who live in Los Angeles and New York City must flyover the rest of America in their travels. Yvette Mimieux gets fed up with Hollywood and makes a deal for a job back in Manhattan. Instead of hoping on an airplane for a red eye east, Yvette gets in the car to see America. She plays nice with a young couple and gives them a ride. Turns out the couple are pure evil and rob her blind. In the middle of the heartland, she gets arrested by the cops for vagrancy. While locked in the cell, a deputy sexually attacks her. Her only hope is Tommy Lee Jones (The Fugitive). He helps her escape the hell hole even as the law comes down on them. This was Tommy Lee Jones first major role. You can tell the guy was bound for bigger roles and not being stuck in the low budget ghetto.
Caged Heat! was Jonathan Demme’s first major directorial effort. Erica Gavin (Vixen) gets busted when a robbery goes wrong. She gets sent off to a woman’s prison run by Barbara Steele. All the good things you want out of a women’s prison flick are elements including lots of group shower scenes. Erica can’t stand life behind bars with Steele’s sadistic rules. The girls are given shock therapy to calm them down. There’s a plan to escape. The cute Rainbeaux Smith is Erica’s cellmate. The action is so sweaty and steamy. The bonus highlight is a commentary track with Demme, Gavin and cinematographer Tak Fujimoto. Once more this movie makes me wish Demme would get back to his entertaining roots that peaked with his Oscar success of Silence of the Lambs. This film has a little more going for it when compared to other Women Behind Bars flicks. Major warning that this trailer is not to be viewed around children or people who can fire you from your veal pen gig:
If you haven’t ordered any of the Roger Corman’s Cult Classics titles, this double feature is a perfect place to start.
Gamera Double Feature – Gamera Vs. Zigra / Gamera: The Super Monster wraps up the Showa era of the mutant turtle. Zigra arrives from outer space as a UFO with a bubble gum machine top. It wants to take over the Earth since its own planet has been polluted. This is almost a reverse of most monster films where the mutant monster needs warn the earthlings about polluting our world. The only thing that can stop Zigra is two kids and Gamera. When Gamera first battles the UFO, it turns into a mega-shark. He can tear through the turtle’s shell with his fin. Can the kids help Gamera recover? Or are we all doomed? Gamera: The Super Monster was a revival of the series using clips of previous monster battles to save the budget more than the Earth. A little boy with a turtle must rescue us from a faux-Star Destroyer. He has a connection to Gamera cause Gamera is a friend to all children. The new effects were made on video so they look low budget TV shots. The movie ends on a closing note for the epic series. All eight of the original flicks are now on high quality transfers from Shout! Factory. It’s a childhood dream come true. But don’t cry since Gamera shall be returning with all five of his entries on Mystery Science Theater 3000: Volume XXI.
Capone lets Ben Gazzara wear the scarface of Al Capone. This shows the rise of a small time hood into the Underworld king of America during the prohibition era. Gazzara’s hardcore attitude makes him perfect for being a criminal mastermind. He’s got Sylvester Stallone as enforcer Frank Nitti. John Cassavetes is the New York crime chief that gives him a big break. There’s a sublime gritty nature to the frame. It looks like an underworld pic versus the sterile visuals of recent gangster flicks. This is worthwhile viewing for fans of The Untouchables and mobster flicks. Getting to see a young Stallone being hoodish is a bonus. The commentary track with director Steven Carver is very informative with the help of Nathaniel Thompson’s questions. Carver had previously done Big Bad Mama. He admits that Corman had the director use old footage from his The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre film to save on the budget. There’s a Timothy Carey casting story that will drop your jaw. The trailer for Massacre is included in the bonus features along with trailers and TV spots for Capone.
Hannah Montana: Forever – The Final Season brings us to the end of the sensational series that made Miley Cyrus a superstar. She was the hottest thing on the TV dial. What happened? The fate of so many Disney Channel stars – she graduated from high school. These final 13 episodes get into how Miley Stewart let others in on her secret life. That she wasn’t just a normal high school kid. She was an international singing superstar known as Hannah Montana. There are plenty of guest stars for the goodbye. “Hannah Montana to the Principal’s Office” lets Ray Liotta (Goodfellas) play the principal. He’s not nearly as evil as he could be to the girl. Sheryl Crow strums it up on “It’s the End of the Jake as We Know It.” Wrestling champion John Cena pumps up the action on “Love That Let’s Go.” Proving his chin doesn’t scare kids, Jay Leno has Hannah on his show for “I’ll Always Remember You.” Dolly Parton takes time away from Dollywood for “Kiss It All Goodbye.” The final two episodes deal with Miley graduating from high school and wondering what to do with her life. Of course the answer is make more movies. The DVDs are stored within a book that contains cast memories of the show. Tons of photos to remind us that Billy Ray Cyrus really did have a comeback thanks to the show. There’s even a section devoted to the various wigs worn by Miley when she’s really Hannah. This is a proper gift for anyone that’s moaning the end of the series. Strange to think that we are living in a Post-Hannah Montana universe.
Comments: None
Leave a Reply |