PASADENA – Forget the AFI Top 10 list of Best TV shows. Why should care about TV since they are the American Film Institute? This is kind like the American Diabetic Prevention Society’s Top 10 Favorite Sugary Candy Bars list. Or Bravo’s Top 10 Hunting Shows. Or MADD’s Best 10 Drinks to Mess You Up. Or Charlie Sheen’s Top 10 Things You Can Do Without Involving Hookers and Blow. If they care about TV that much, shouldn’t they be the AFTVI? But they are a pack of List Whores over at AFI with their 100 Years a 100 Stupid Lists press releases.
Why does critic or critic group have to tell you the Best or Worst of the Year? Party Favors is proud to announce the MEH Awards for the 10 TV shows that didn’t work for me in 2010. They weren’t the most pathetic things on TV, but made me lose interest in watching them.
TENTH: Glee – I wanted to like this show so I can stay hip with the kids. But it’s about a bunch of post graduate students stuck in high school making pop songs safe for grandma. The Rocky Horror tribute show was so bland enough for Up With People to adopt.
NINTH: Sarah Palin’s Alaska – it’s a fishing show.
EIGHTH: Terriers – I should have liked this more, but the whole dog thing was annoying. I’m holding out for Donal Logue to have an affair with his old wife on Rules of Engagement.
SEVENTH: NFL Network – do we really need this much football in our life? I can understand the MLB Network since the season is longer and every day has games. Pro football is Sunday only in my house. Can’t the NFL get complete coverage with a daily 30 minute segment on ESPN? The off-season programming is painful at best including their 12 part series on punters overcoming the stigma of athlete’s foot.
SIXTH: Modern Family – Lenny and Squiggy were more affectionate to each other than the gay couple on this show.
FIFTH: George Lucas’s Live Action Star Wars Series – Already bored of it and I haven’t seen it. But I still have the shakes from The Star Wars Holiday Special.
FOURTH: Boardwalk Empire – Great cast. Great subject. Meh execution. It was like they wanted to outdo The Untouchables, but couldn’t touch the genius of Robert Stack. Maybe this was a case of too many executive producers and not enough visionaries.
THIRD: Sons of Anarchy – this season was 13 episodes that could have been done in a two hour special. Every time I flipped over, it was more of the “gimme back my baby” trip to Northern Ireland. If I want to see a grown man cry, I’ll turn on C-SPAN for the John Boehner Happy Hour.
RUNNER UP: Bored to Death – the show lived up to its name. Remember when New York artists were exciting and not completely a pack of self centered douchebags? Neither do I, but it might have happened. Noel Coward left more entertaining turds in Broadway bathrooms than this HBummer-O. Bed bugs were not the most annoying thing to invade Manhattan.
WINNER: Pacific – I watched 20 minutes and just gave up on it. I didn’t even feel tempted to catch up on HBO OnDemand. Maybe it didn’t help that high school history class spoiled the ending.
Normally I’d be sending these shows their MEH trophies, but why bother?
BEST MOVIE CAST
I’m not going to name the best films of 2010 until they all get on Netflix. But I’m willing to say that all Best Ensemble cast awards should go to Human Centipede. If you’re watching an award show that doesn’t give the trio credit – turn the channel.
CINEMA OVERDRIVE
For a few years now I’ve been jealous of the folks in Texas since they can enjoy the various Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas. Sure Texans have to put up with a governor that hates being a part of America, but they can watch cool old films while getting drunk and polishing their guns. Luckily there’s no more Texan temptation since Cinema Overdrive has parked itself at the Colony Theater in Raleigh, North Carolina.
Every month (and sometimes more) Matt Pennachi and Adam Hulin dig up an addicting title from the vault. These is all the good flicks that moron professors at film studies programs ignore. Recent movies included Demons, The Candy Snatchers, Lightning Swords of Death and Chuck Norris’ Missing In Action 2: The Beginning. There are classics shown such as Halloween, Evil Dead and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. For Christmas they played Silent Night, Deadly Night and the last two reels of Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. The first three reels are flashbacks to the first film so nothing was really missed. The last 2 reels have the murdering rampage including “Garbage Day!” Trailers selected for before and after the features reflect the genre. Plus there’s local brews on tap including Big Boss. It’s a fab night out for celluloid geeking. These are 35mm prints and not “digital video” projections.
What makes the series extra cool is the promotional posters. They’re limited edition prints. The artists don’t merely ape their favorite designs of the past asking “What if Saul Bass rose from the grave?” Nor do they play off the old posters. They look beyond the images that have been watered down by focus groups that end up at the Cineplex. They don’t restrain their vision to make normal posters. For Rock and Roll High School, Rob Liberti screen printed the images of the Ramones and P.J. Soles onto the vinyl of used Beethoven records. Danny Miller captured Ash and Leatherface onto huge baseball cards. Travis Getz transformed Missing In Action 2 into a cross between a comic book and a videogame cartridge.
Here’s video of CK getting a tube full of goodies.
The one that complete blew me away was James Rheem Davis’ Silent Night, Deadly Night 1.4 that’s as controversial as the movie. I won’t even describe it. Just click on the link and take in the grotesque beauty. You’re going to wish you could have this hanging up at your company Christmas party. It has fun with Leonard Maltin and Gene Siskel’s outraged quotes.
http://www.cinemaoverdrive.net/merch/
Even if you don’t live in the Raleigh-Durham area in North Carolina, you might want to order these up for your movie room. Act fast because they are limited prints. We won’t talk about how much these might increase in value, but they appear to be the Franklin Mint of movie posters. Remember that during the Robot Holocaust, you should be able to get plenty of petrol and women for Silent Night, Deadly Night 1.4.
A SLICE OF LIFE
If you’re in the Raleigh area, make sure you visit the Big Boss Brewery’s bar on the weekend. Lately on Friday and Saturday night, the Klausie’s food truck has been selling my favorite pizza in the area. It’s a deep dish style with a tasty dough.
In case you’re in Raleigh during the week, you can discover the location of the Klausie’s food truck at: http://www.klausies.com/
FAST GIFTS
As zero hour arrives, you might want a few quick gift ideas to grab at the mall that don’t involve the Snuggie or a few buds of salvia. Two of my normal yearly gifts have no entries. Why did they have to stop the Disney Treasures and Looney Tunes Golden Collection series?
Thankfully one keeps up the seasonal joy: The Complete Peanuts Boxed Set 1975 – 1978 (Vol. 13-14) should be at your nearby bookstore. This is the time that Snoopy got sucked into the disco life. Charlie Brown sports wider stripes during this era. Like all Studio 54 action, there’s plenty of sexual exploration courtesy of Peppermint Patty.
You can make it a Garry Shandling holiday season with both of his legendary pay channel shows finally out on complete boxsets. It’s Garry Shandling’s Show: The Complete Series has all four seasons that ran on Showtime and Fox. Garry creates a fake world within his studio reality. There’s a touch of Dada humor such as the time he goes to Hollywood to see the taping of his own show. The Larry Sanders Show: The Complete Series ended years of frustration for me. Over seven years ago they put out the first season and was only followed up with a greatest hits of the last five seasons. Now you can get all the goodness in one box. The show gave us a strange insight into why Garry Shandling let Jay Leno take the Tonight Show desk from Johnny Carson.
Max Headroom: The Complete Series collects the show that truly bit network TV’s hand. Benny Hill: The Complete Megaset – The Thames Years 1969 – 1989 is all the Yakety Sax you’ll ever crave.
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Rolling Stones finally legally came out. This is their best concert film that doesn’t feature a body count or buyer’s remorse. This is a pure concert film from their “Exile on Main Street” tour in 1972. The highlight of the film is getting to see how much guitarist Mick Taylor brought to their sound. He contributed the long blues licks. The Blu-ray brings out the detail in how little he moved on stage. He makes Billy Wyman look active. But close your eyes to truly experience what he does to “Gimme Shelter.” If you’ve got a buddy that loves the Stones – this is the gift they better be getting. The price is reasonable especially compared to what bootleggers used to demand for a VHS.
MARRIED TO STONED
The saddest show on TV is E!’s Married to Rock. Ever wonder what happened to the guys from Guns ‘n’ Roses, The Cult, Jane’s Addiction and Billy Idol? Now you must pay a price for your curiosity. It ain’t pretty as they do their hardest to extend their nostalgia based career. They all dream that the world stopped turning in 1987. They so badly want to look like that themselves from the MTV video. Most of their conversations involve wishing Hot Tub Time Machine was real. But this series isn’t about them. They’ve been dragged onto E! by their ladies.
What’s shocking is how their wives look like expert advisors on RuPaul’s Drag Show. Steve Stevens’ wife’s breast job hurts my eyes. They can explode at any moment.
The saddest moment is when Perry Farrell’s wife rode his ass with her suspicion that he’s eyeing another woman. And he took it. He didn’t look at her and say, “I’m Perry Ferrell! I’m not Pat Boone.” I can understand the rock star giving up the pills and booze. That stuff works against you. The carnal debauchery can’t stop. You might want to first send the groupies to a doctor to make sure they have VD clinic give them a seal of approval. Although odds are if you survived backstage in the ’80s, you’re immune to everything except split ends. Watching Perry get his balls yanked by his wife for the sake of a TV series nearly made me cry. Odds are high it made Trent Reznor laugh.
After watching this show, it’s easy to understand the positive side of rock stars taking their lives. Maybe those dead idols glimpsed their future of being a whipped Dorian Gray with a wife addicted to Hello Kitty crap and decided to blow their brains out? Gone to soon or checked out in the nick of time?
PLEASE GIVE
Remember this holiday season to keep up donations to the Party Favors Lengthwise Fold Club. During this time, people forget about the artists – especially those that specialize in dancing on an intimate level. They have to pay for next semester’s tuition at med school. Take time off from your family activities and reward those who purse the perfect gyration by donating directly to their effort at an intimate dance club in your local combat zone.
Thanks to evil people at the Center For Disease Control, the Party Favors Porn for the Impoverished Project has been stopped. Seems there was a misinterpretation to the words: Slightly used magazine. It’s a shame the people in third world countries won’t be able to enjoy the bliss of Barely Legal and Juggs.
STEWART RAHR CYBER DOUCHEBAG
The worst charity donation of the year happened when billionaire Stewart Rahr gave half a million dollars so Kim Kardashian can Twitter. In case you’re wondering, Stewart Rahr is a douchebag. The internet was smarter when Kim Kardashian maintained radio silence. Now it is ruined. If Stewart Rahr pledges to donate a million dollars through the Lengthwise Fold Club, I won’t call him a douchebag in this column ever again. Otherwise this will a constant feature.
BLU-RAY HEAVEN
Derailed: Unrated Version – Blu-ray reminds us about the necessity of good hotel room security. Clive Owen is a guy on a commuter train that’s got issues with his wife and ill daughter. He gets a little relief when he hooks up with fellow traveller Jennifer Aniston. She’s hot for Owen and their night out ends up at a cheap motel for a nasty hook up. Since this isn’t a porn film, there’s got to be trouble. In this case it’s Vincent Cassel busting into the room. He roughs them up, but lets them go. However he senses there’s no reason to let the crime end at the check out. He contacts Owen for a little blackmail action. Owen wants to put an end to it, but it turns into an East Coast – West Coast Rap Feud involving Xzibit and RZA. This is my second favorite Jennifer Aniston movie after Office Space. The reminder of her cinema career is a three-way for last. The 1080p image brings out the detail in Aniston’s hair.
Harsh Times – Blu-ray is Christian Bale going all badass. He’s an ex-Army Ranger who is having issues getting back to the real world. His only pal is Freddy Rodriguesz (Six Feet Under). The two are extremely toxic together. Freddy’s wife (Eva Longoria) doesn’t like what Bale does to her hubby. Bale is all up for a hard night of partying with booze, drugs and trouble in the greater Los Angeles area. This is kinda the precursor to his brother character in The Fighter. Except he doesn’t have Marky Mark to redeem his soul. He’s hell bent on destruction. The bonus features include a commentary track from director David Ayer and deleted scenes. Bale looks stunning in Hi-Def when he gets messed up. Ayers wrote the script for Training Day.
DVD SHELF
Disciples of the 36th Chamber is the third and final installment in San Te (Gordon Liu) Shaw Brothers series. This time the pupil is now the teacher at the Shaolin Temple. Fong Sai-Yuk (Hsiao Ho) is a student confident in his mad martial arts skills. He thinks he’s too cool for school. He gets into a bit of ugliness with the Manchu overlord. His mom has him hidden at the Temple. He’s still a pain in the ass for even San Te. It looks like the kid will be the downfall of all if he doesn’t straighten up. There’s a lot of great group fights with the various factions going all foot and fist. While Liu isn’t the true star, he make excellent use of his time. There’s a commentary track from Bey Logan, author of Hong Kong Action Cinema – my favorite book on the glory days.
Annie’s Point is a sweet TV movie that has found life on DVD thanks to the Betty White-mania. Annie Eason (White) has been recently been widowed. Her son (The Waltons‘ Richard Thomas) wants toss her into a retirement home. But she’s not willing to go quietly to the rest stop to the funeral home. She’s got a mission to complete with her granddaughter (8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter‘s Amy Davidson). Her late husband’s ashes must be spread at Annie’s Point. They make a slight detour in Las Vegas cause the lady needs her glitz and gambling. This piece of land was named after her by the guy. Betty is able to flex her muscle as the twisted grandmother and the sentimental wife. This is one of those tender films that could go to your relative that is addicted to The Golden Girls.
Gunsmoke: The Fourth Season, Volume 2 is more of the half hour black and white episodes. “Jayhawkers” has a weird twist with Ken Curtis playing a non-Festus character. It involves those folks from Kansas that call themselves Jayhawkers. This is why they’re a school mascot. “The Bear” has Denver Pyle (Dukes of Hazzard) getting framed for murder before his wedding day. Russell Johnson (The Professor on Gilligan’s Island) gets to go cowboy. “The F.U.” shoots down Joe Flynn (McHale’s Navy) on the streets of Dodge. Everyone thinks it happened because of a Poker game. “Print Asper” lets Ted Knight (Mary Tyler Moore‘s Ted Baxter) be an evil lawyer working to swipe a ranch. He has no limit to his scheming. It’s 20 episodes that get Marshal Dillon (James Arness) and Chester (McCloud‘s Dennis Weaver) in trouble. The bonus feature is the original cast ads that ran this season.
Hawaii Five-O: The Tenth Season is the big farewell to Chin Ho Kelly (Kam Fong). Unlike previous Five-O members that just vanished like Kono and Ben, Chin Ho gets an emotional exit from the series. “A Short Walk on the Longshore” makes McGarrett get into disguise to work the docks to expose a murderer. Jack Lord always looks so funny when he’s not wearing the blue suit. “Tall on the Wave” gives another glimpse that Danno (James MacArthur) has a life outside of McGarrett’s office. He is qualified to judge surfing competitions. During one invitational, a body turns up and it’s Danno’s friend that’s the prime suspect. “Frozen Assets” has Rat Packer Peter Lawford involved in cryogenics. “Deep Cover” gives us Geoffrey Lewis, the man who isn’t Robert Pine and Maud Adams (Octopussy). “Deadly Doubles” Kurt Russell in a Russian tennis star defection plot. McGarrett’s got to keep it from getting ugly. Only two more season till all the Jack Lord-era episodes are out on DVD.
The Andy Griffith Show: 50th Anniversary – The Best of Mayberry collects 17 of the most beloved episodes. Sheriff Andy Taylor and his “The Pickle Story” tells us about how Aunt Bee wasn’t the original Paula Dean. Her abilities in the kitchen were rather iffy. “Convicts At Large” presents the greatest case of Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts). He’s got to use all his cunning and charm to stop escapees. Ernest T. Bass crashes “Mountain Wedding.” The cute Darling daughter wants to get hitched, but Bass knows he’s the real man for her. He’s going to throw a brick through her heart to prove it. “Citizen’s Arrest” pits Barney against Gomer Pyle (Jim Nabors). The big bonus feature is the beginning and the end of the series. There’s the original Danny Thomas Show where Andy busts the nightclub comic. Andy’s a bit of schemer at this point. There’s also the TV movie Return to Mayberry. If you swear you can name 25 episodes you hold more dearly, maybe you should just spring for the Complete Series boxset. The 50th Anniversary boxset is a great gift for your relatives that like sweet southern treats.
Space Precinct: The Complete Series is another intergalactic entry from Gerry Anderson (Space 1999 & Thunderbirds). A NYPD cop (Knots Landing‘s Ted Shackelford) launches himself onto a bigger beat in 2040. He’s part of the law enforcement in a new city on another planet in a distant solar system. The show combines science fiction with normal police work. Amazing how many types of lifeforms are outlaws. The show reminds me of a cross between Quark, Men In Black and Max Headroom with Dragnet and Adam-12. Anderson’s effects crew do a fine job at mixing the cops with rockets. The production doesn’t look cheap. They mess around with various cop show cliches except now they’re not limited to human forms. The boxset has all 24 episodes that aired in the mid-90s.
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