I’m back! For those wondering (all twelve of you) where this column had disappeared to, the answer is a sad and lonely one. I didn’t receive any friend requests!

It’s true, this column is dependent on bands spamming me and for two months… no one bothered. I was tempted to review some bands I was already friends with but that would have been cheating (and it would have resulted in one of these being 100% positive and I couldn’t do that to you). So I had to play the waiting game. And now, just like buses and a group of men in a porno, they’ve all come at once.

I actually got 8 requests in the space of two weeks so now I have to try and catch up with myself. It’s a mad, mad world.

Considering it’s been so long, I should probably remind everyone why this exists:
I decided to review every band/musician/DJ that tries to add me as a friend on MySpace in order to cast an ear on artists who want to be heard and make them take the responsibility for the (mostly crap) music I’m exposed to on a regular basis.

Sure, it got a little less regular recently but still…
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JULIET’S RESCUE
www.myspace.com/julietsrescue

It’s been a long time since I had a band to review so this was a nice one to start with. Juliet’s Rescue are a five piece from Kildare, Ireland. Now, admittedly they do that pet peeve of mine which is sing like they’re American. But, if you take one look at the lead singer you can tell, well, that’s just his thing. So just this once I’m not going to bitch about it and just take the music on it’s own merit.

Of the four songs presented I have to single out “A Decent Proposal” as the stand-out track. It’s all very listenable and “Make Yourself A Hero” would probably get in my head a lot more (as it has done) but “A Decent Proposal” is probably their most grown-up song. They’re a fun band and I think if I was a teenager I would turn into a groupie but it’s like finding Limp Bizkit when you’re in your 30s, some bands have to be found when you’re a teenager or you’ll never have that connection with them. Which is why I’m singling out “A Decent Proposal” because I think, if it played on the radio, I’d be interested.

I mentioned them being a band for younger folk and I don’t mean that in a bad way. We all know the deal. There is a demographic for certain music. And it’s kind of the problem with critiquing music in general, not all music is for you. Juliet’s Rescue are a good band. Solid music, decent lyrics, they’re solid. But, I’m not moved by them and I don’t think that’s a slight on the band. It’s just not for me.

Although, it doesn’t help when you could be the guitarist’s father. What is he? Twelve? For those wondering, he’s the guy second from the right. Look at him! Bless. One day, when he grows up, he’ll probably punch me in the face for this. But I figure I’ve got several years before this happens. In the mean time… coochie coochie coo!

Presentation = 4/5
Content = Great looking page but I would have liked more music, it also froze a lot on me
Music = 4/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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KOOPR
www.myspace.com/koopr

When I first took a look at Koopr’s page I saw the top hat, the band lineup of guitarist and drummer, and the “quirky” style. The term “cheap White Stripes” couldn’t be further from my brain, I assure you. But if I was a lesser man, a man of bitter mind, then maybe I would have said that. Or worse.

When I played “Selling Secrets For A Smile” my fears were not put at ease. It had the distinct familiarity of recent Jack White side projects. My poisoned pen was at the ready (not a euphemism I swear). Not that it’s a bad song, it’s good but it’s just too similar to other artists for me. It even reminded me a lot of past Musical MySpace Tour alumni MTM. You want your music to stand out and this didn’t do that.

However, things quickly mellow out and KOOPR save themselves. To go from “Selling Secrets For A Smile” to “Get It Right” you’d be forgiven for thinking you’re listening to two different bands. But the next two songs follow “Get It Right”s lead and you finally get an idea to what KOOPR really are.

There are still problems. In their little bio page they say that Bill Hicks’ “Relentless” is their favourite album. I’m not going to put down Bill Hicks’ but it’s not music and no matter how cool you think it is to be “different” they would have annoyed me less if they just didn’t mention it.

The lyrics are OK but to be honest I feel they drag the music down. Instrumentally I can’t really fault these guys much. Is it mean to say I wished he’d just shut up? Who am I kidding? This is the Musical MySpace tour. If I didn’t say something dickish I’d be fired.

In the end I guess the style is destroying my enjoyment of the substance. I think the page design is fancy but it doesn’t match their good songs like “dissolve”. It’s a false sense of identity and I can’t get with that.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = They could have done with a video, it might have helped
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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GEMMA MEWSE
www.myspace.com/gemmamewse

Gemma Mewse is a woman of her time. Or is that location? It’s hard to tell. Following in the footsteps of other fantastic female singer/songwriters from Britain in the last five years or so Gemma is a woman of acerbic lyrics and musings rather than the power ballad, love song singing ladies of old. This is a good thing.

I was a little frustrated to see only one song is available in full on her playlist. However, she does give us a few videos of full songs so I guess it evens out. The song we have in full is called “Numpty”. It’s a sharp tongued hate letter that gets your foot tapping. It’s things like this that can get me behind Ms Mewse.

She also comes up with lyrics of some nice sharp wit. The song “Stranger Things” contains this little ditty that I quite appreciate “doesnt mean that its retro just cause it says so on the label”. Not much in the large scale of things, but it’s the little notches of personality that gets me excited by musicians. An opinion or a passion that isn’t just “hey lets all love each other” or “it’s a rockin’ world”.

Now, I’d be remiss not to mention that, as stated earlier, we have heard this sort of thing a lot recently. Kate Nash and company have been towing this line for a while now. Does Gemma Mewse stand out from this crowd? Unfortunately not. She would still be a support act rather than a headliner. But it’s early days and she’s a young woman with a good voice. She’s only 18 for crying out loud! With a good starting base like this she could go on to bigger things. Lets check in again next year.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = Lots of videos but the page needs a better layout
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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EDDIEKITSNER
www.myspace.com/eddiekitsner

No, it’s not a typo. Eddie Harris is “eddiekitsner”. As far as DJ names go, it’s the worst I’ve ever come across. But is his music the worst I’ve come across?

It’s mostly horrible. I could go into the repetitive crap that’s on offer here but it’s just not worth it. Bad, home-made rubbish. I’d rather spend my time reviewing something people might enjoy so I’ll leave it at this.

On a side note: I’ve never understood the obsession DJs have with girls in bikinis. His profile picture is one and there are more with his logo painted on top throughout. Maybe it’s just the feminist in me but it rubs me up the wrong way. Nothing I can’t stand more than a chauvinist culture.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = Arse
Music = 1/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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SHERLOCK OMZ
www.myspace.com/sherlockomz

I love some good hip-hop in my Friend Request inbox. It always gives me something a little bit different to listen to than all the generic rock bands out there in the MySpace space. I love some of the UK hip-hop I’ve heard recently too as Dizzee Rascal and friends have been making some of the American stuff seem passé.

Sherlock Omz isn’t British hip-hop though, he’s faux gangster rap from the 90s. And that’s frustrating because if he took himself a little less seriously then this could be listenable. The guy has some decent rhymes mixed in with some god-awful ones. One line gave me a good chuckle though “I’m downing competition like pints in my local”. See, if he had more stuff like that I’d love it!

In the one song that he seems to relax with, called “Motion Spitures”, Omz finally finds a groove. Despite it being a two minute song with what only sounds like one verse it at least has the fun vibe that is severely lacking elsewhere. Also, yeah, you like weed. We get it. You can stop mentioning now.

I can’t recommend checking out his videos enough. For those who are fans of “Its So Cold In The D” there are treats that await you. I love music videos made with no money and these are… beyond description. Thank me later… Oh but try not to vomit from the terrible layout of the page.

Presentation = 1/5
Content = Loads here but whether it’s worth the eye explosion is another thing
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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– Aaron Poole
– If you want to be in the firing line for one of Aaron’s reviews, send a friend request to www.myspace.com/aaronhbp and he will reload for next time.

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