MILWAUKEE – Henry Winkler is not the Fonz.
He played the coolest guy on Happy Days for eleven seasons. But he doesn’t wear a leather jacket, ride a motorcycle or fix things by bumping them with his elbow. He’s not even Italian. He’s got a life that has gone beyond the Fonz. There’s probably a generation that knows him better for Adam Sandler movies and Arrested Development. On a May evening at the Quail Ridge bookstore in Raleigh, there is a group of kids under 12 years old that know him as the author of the Hank Zipzer books (along with co-writer Lin Oliver).
Many stars of the ’70s sell their tawdry memoirs of behind the scenes perversions. Winkler created a young adult book series that taps into grade school life instead of the action in Arnold’s bathroom. We’ll have to wait for lurid tales of the Hooper triplets. During the talk before the book signing, he admits to being Hank Zipzer. A while ago someone suggested he write about a dyslexic school kid. He scoffed at the idea at the time. How could he be an author? However he realized that his struggles and success in education could help others. He was able to overcome his issues to not only graduate high school, but eventually earn an MFA from Yale’s drama school. He also had an attitude change which he summed up by saying, “If you will it, it is not a dream.”
When the idea of him writing books for young adults was brought up again, he decided to will it. He met with Lin Oliver and the character of Hank Zipzer, The World’s Greatest Underachiever became a reality. Winkler’s talk to the audience was aimed mainly at the kids in the audience. He discussed his marriage that has lasted three decades and their three children. He read the first chapter from A Brand-New Me! – the 17th and final Hank Zipzer novel. This is the end of Hank’s career in elementary school except he might not graduate to middle school. Winkler had the kids mesmerized as he assumed the voice of a distracted child.
Originally I was planning on taping Winkler’s talk so I could stick it up on yoututbe for my cousin in Afghanistan to enjoy. We grew up watching Happy Days – at least until the gang entered college. I felt bad that he wouldn’t get to hang out with the Fonz. Right before the program was to start, the announced that people could take photos, but Winkler didn’t want his talk videotaped. Turns out Winkler’s got a set introduction speech for his book tour. This was reflected during the Q&A when a little kid pointed out how he’d said the same stuff on youtube.
Before I could stick the camera back in the car, a bookstore employee told me that they had mentioned to Henry how I wanted to videotape the event for my cousin stuck in a warzone. While Henry still didn’t want me taping his speech, he promised to tape a special message for my cousin.
While normally I’d consider this a private message, I sense that Winkler’s message should go out to all the folks who enjoy this column that are currently stationed in Afghanistan and Iraq. So please enjoy:
He might not be the Fonz, but Henry Winkler is cool.
COMING THIS FALL
Ice Cube Time Machine will be this fall’s most outrageous comedy. The movie starts in 1989 when rapper Ice Cube gets sucked into a motel’s ice machine. It transports him into 2010 where he quickly discovers what happened to him. At first he’s blown away at his 21st Century lavish lifestyle. He’s got cars, mansions and the world on his cellphone. But he quickly learns the price of success. No longer is he feared by America. He’s now considered America’s Least Threatening Black Man. Morgan Freeman and Cuba Gooding Jr instill more fear in middle America than the star of Are We There Yet?
The saddest moment is when Ice Cube gets pulled over by a cop who only wants an autograph….for his grandmother. So much for Amerikkka’s Most Wanted. Ice Cube sits by the side of the road crying his eyes out knowing that old white ladies consider him comic relief like a black Larry the Cable Guy. The big ending has Ice Cube sucked back into a time vortex where he appears at Easy E’s deathbed. He begs Easy E to cap his ass so he can die like a gangsta. Easy’s final breath informs his old NWA cohort that he can’t deny old white ladies their precious new Bill Cosby. Ice Cube cries like a baby knowing that he’s doomed to a fate of being more socially acceptable than Vanilla Ice.
Remember that you can watch Ice Cube push his inoffensive persona on TBS this summer. And to think I drank St. Ides Malt Liquor based on his endorsement.
DRAW THE LINE
I’ve been told that you have to choose – You either live on Sesame Street or exist on Elmo’s World. The war is coming. Muppet fur will burn.
THE SMELL
Kevin James is Chris Farley’s rotting corpse in Grown Ups. Why didn’t Adam Sandler just spring to create a CGI Chris for the movie? Kevin James could still be in the film except he’d be covered in ping pong balls.
FATES WORSE THAN CHUCKLEHUT
In the wee hours, there was the most disturbing show on the sat TV. Rich Hall, Victoria Jackson and Dom Irrera were holding comedy court on what appeared to be a cruise ship. This was probably more frightening for the vacationers than a visit from Somali pirates. Was this really entertainment or community service? They must have been the comic relief between rounds of cockfighting.
WHAT MOVIE?
It’s not summer until I go out to the Raleigh Road Outdoor Theater in Henderson, NC to take in the joys of drive in cinema. This year’s opening title was Iron Man 2. Or was it? I enjoyed seeing Robert Downey Jr and Mickey Rourke smashing each other. But it seemed that half of the stupid movie was wasted on pimping The Avengers movie that’s coming out in a few years. It’s like watching Monday Night Raw when all they do is pimp an upcoming pay-per-view match. Except the difference is I already paid to view Iron Man 2. Note to filmmakers that expect me to pay for admission – don’t keep telling me about the film I’m not watching.
GET LOST
Now that Lost is over, where will the kids go to be completely confused about time? The best substitute is a visit to the DMV.
HORSE’S MOUTH
Among my strangest of viewing passions is anything featuring talking animals (not including CGI). You get a real animal to move their lips, I’m glued. Thus I’m thrilled to see Mister Ed: The Complete Third Season is out. Mister Ed is a talking horse who isn’t reincarnated or a mad scientist’s project. He’s just got a working mouth and plenty of horse sense to spare. He lives in Wilbur’s office in a residential neighborhood. The season opens with “Ed Gets Amnesia.” The horse can’t remember Wilbur or who he is. His only hope lays in the genius of Richard Deacon (Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy). “Ed the Pilgrim” should be required viewing after the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Ed explains to Wilbur that a horse saved the pilgrims. “Big Pine Lodge” turns a ski vacation into a crooked card game. It’s up to Ed to help Wilbur out cheat the cheaters by posing as a mounted head on the wall. Mister Ed: The Complete Third Season is the perfect relief to TV political pundit who wish they were as smart as a talking horse. Only two and a half more seasons to go. Here’s a glimpse of Mister Ed in action for those who’ve never seen a talking horse.
BLU-RAY HEAVEN
Showgirls: 15th Anniversary Sinsational Edition brings the dazzling glory to 1080p Blu-ray and DVD. Like a good bi-sexual stripper, you won’t have to choose your format. It hasn’t looked this beautiful since the theatrical release (and I was in the multiplex for the first matinee to absorb all the Paul Verhoeven’s love. The story is semi-simple as Elizabeth Berkley arrives in Las Vegas with dreams of being a showgirl. Her career path takes her to a slimy strip club run by the equally slimy Robert Davi. Ultimately a lap dance for Gina Gershon leads to an invitation to the big showroom at a major casino. But things get more cut throat and bloody than a pirate movie. Most people treat this movie as camp, but that’s because they don’t watch it right. Switch the audio to the French language track and put on the English subtitles. Now sit back and be amazed at a film about the human condition that could have won Cannes and the Best Foreign Language Oscar. There are bonus features including “Pole Dancing: Finding Your Inner Stripper,” “Lap Dance Tutorial Featuring the World-Famous Girls of Scores,” “The Greatest Movie Ever Made” – A Commentary by David Schmader,” “Showgirls Fact-Up Trivia” and “A Showgirls Diary.” Now you can finally hear Caesar sing in High Definition.
DVD SHELF
Elvis 75th Birthday Collection brings together 7 of the Elvis Presley’s movies so you can make your summer a non-stop party. The titles include Clambake, Flaming Star, Follow That Dream, Frankie and Johnny, Kid Galahad, Love Me Tender and Wild in the Country. You get the first of his big movies with Love Me Tender. He wasn’t supposed to be the star, but who could deny that he’s the reason why this film still gets shown. Does Richard Egan have the week of his death turned into national celebration? This boxset contains quite a few of Elvis’ more sincere films. He wasn’t going all mindless musical in Follow That Dream, Flaming Star and Wild In the Country. He gets to go a couple acting rounds with Charles Bronson (Death Wish) on Kid Galahad. Pay attention for Ed Asner’s supporting role in the DA’s office. Frankie and Johnny teams up the King with Donna Douglas (Beverly Hillbillies). He’s a gambler on a bad luck streak. But Elvis was never bad luck in Hollywood. The gem of the collection is Clambake. He’s a rich boy who swaps life’s with a schlub so he can pursue a career as a speed boat racer. “Hey, Hey, Hey” is the greatest song that uses a chemical name as a lyric. His sportscar and baseball jacket elevate this film to cult stardom. There once was a time when indie stations would give us Elvis week during the summer. Now you have a chance to give yourself that treat.
The Cinema Pride Collection is a gay film studies class in a boxset available exclusively from Amazon.com. The 10 DVDs include The Children’s Hour, La Cage Aux Folles, My Beautiful Laundrette, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert: The Extra Frills Edition, The Birdcage, Bent, The Object of My Affection, Boys Don’t Cry, Kissing Jessica Stein and Imagine Me & You. The films go from the tragic to the fabulous. La Cage Aux Folles was an amazing hit back in the ’70s about an uptight politician encountering his future son-in-law’s unique family. The kid’s dad runs a drag show and his “mother” is the star. The movie would eventually be remade in America as The Birdcage which is here. You can compare the French to Robin Williams. Boys Don’t Cry let Hilary Swank overcome the stigma of being the female Karate Kid. She has a romance with Chloe Sevigny (Big Love. This wouldn’t be too bad except the creepy locals think she’s really a guy. The most outrageous of the films is Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. This is my Raymond J. Regis award pick of the month. This is one of the few films were the costumes are almost as flaming as the characters as a trio of performers go cross country in Australia. Their outfits rightfully won the Oscar.
Flashpoint: The Second Season of the Canadian series that follows the Strategic Response Unit. It’s their version of SWAT except without the theme song. The crack team is lead by Sgt. Parker (Just Shoot Me‘s Enrico Colatoni). He comes off as rather intense for those who only remember him from being frustrated by David Spade. “Business As Usual” has them dealing with a CEO taken hostage. Turns out the guy was part of a mortgage scam. Must there really be a survivor? “Clean Hands” has them acting as police escort for a killer being transported back to Canada. Their biggest fear is the victim’s father deciding to put an end to the case “The Perfect Family” lets a couple attempt to reunite with the baby they put up for adoption. “Perfect Storm” is their high school geeks going after bullies episode. “Last Dance” has a woman with a terminal brain disease go on a crime spree since she doesn’t have to worry about the electric chair. For a peaceful country, Canada sure has people with violent issues. Flashpoint: The Second Season has 9 episodes spread over 2 DVDs.
MLB Bloopers: Baseball’s Best Blunders collects all those great goofy moments from the diamond. If you’re the person who enjoys the pranks and pratfall clips that get abused by sportscasters, you’ll be glued to this 90 minute special. All the good stuff is here including Jose Canseco assisting a homerun ball by taking it off his noggin. There’s even animal attack moments. Plenty of players get hit in the face with shaving cream pies after victories. Baseball players just loves being jokesters since they spend way too much time on the pine or waiting around in right field.
Reds Memories: The Greatest Moments In Cincinnati Reds History covers the love affair between the Queen City and baseball. The city did have the first pro team when the Red Stockings took the field. Turns out after two seasons, they moved to Boston thus starting that city’s association with Red Sox. That’s why the two cities claim true red stocking connections. The documentary really gets cranking with the Big Red Machine era of Pete Rose and Johnny Bench. They were an all-star team on the crummy astroturf of Riverfront Stadium. The plus is Pete Rose’s interviews don’t include him coming up with a new excuse for his gambling or begging to be put in the Hall of Fame. A bonus feature is Johnny Bench’s induction speech with Ted Williams in the front row.
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