The Art Of Break-Ups

How to get out of an unpleasant relationship with the help of The Art of War.

The situation: The beautiful and alluring girl you began dating several months ago has transformed into a clingy, manipulative, needy psycho bitch from Hell. There is a possible method of successfully escaping many more months (if not years) of detrimental psychological and emotional torment.

If you know that she will not surrender the relationship peaceably, if she will not agree to a break-up, and if any attempt to reason will result in more pain and soul-sucking misery, then your only option is sabotage.

“The Attack By Fire”. Sun Tzu said “There are five ways of attacking with fire. The first is to burn soldiers in their camp, the second is to burn stores, the third is to burn baggage trains, the fourth is to burn arsenals and magazines, and the fifth is to hurl dropping fire amongst the enemy.”

Do not take this literally. First, this is not an overnight attack. It will take time and strategy. “There is a proper season for making attacks with fire.” If your girlfriend has friends, then you must make sure that they are not present when you attack; although the attacks will be subtle, they will easily be detected by a horde of girlfriends.

Think of it this way: Your girlfriend is a general, and her friends are soldiers. You cannot have an equal fight until you are on equal ground, thus you must first dispose of her friends so that you will only have to battle her. What you have to do is draw their attention to their boyfriends. Refer to vile acts they did while you were last out with them, make vague references that will lead to explicit imaginations, such as “I love dogs, but I just can’t un-see the things that happened behind the windmill at the putt-putt. I honestly wish I didn’t know a girl could bend like that.” They will flee the camp, leaving you alone to deal with the shrew.

The next steps appear easy, however they require a light, subtle touch. You cannot appear too aggressive, this would cause her to react aggressively and douse your attacks.

“Burn the stores”. In order to effectively disarm her, you must first catch her off-guard. You do this by attacking her insecurity and security, in that order. The source of her insecurity is most likely her weight. Make sure your comments are not clearly intentionally insulting, make her believe that you think you’re complimenting her. Hold her waist and say “Are these new? I like it.” Mention that you think her baby fat is “cute”. Play with any flab you can find with a smile. Finally, offer her chocolate and ice cream and carbohydrates all the time, when she says she “shouldn’t” or “can’t” guffaw and ask who she’s trying to impress, and gleefully tell her that she looks fine the way she is. If she accepts, then if you were previously unable to find any flab, you have just planted the seeds.

“Burn the baggage trains.” Now that she is dazed, attack her source of security: her clothing and sense of style. As a guy, you have little-to-no sense of female style, but you can tell when she thinks she’s fashionable and stylish, and when she doesn’t. When she is expressing doubts about how a dress looks on her, agree with her; those pants do make her butt look big. Once again, you must do this positively, you cannot leave a doubt that you are even teasing her. You are attempting to convince her that not only is she as unattractive as she fears, but that you’re a clueless and incompetent boob who isn’t worth the energy of a fight over such matters. When she expresses pride over an outfit, agree once again, but then ask if it’s “supposed to look like that?” Point to somewhere specific, find some cloth that’s particularly loose or tight, and then tell her to forget it, that it’s barely noticeable. It’s not necessary (as it isn’t always applicable), but if she wears loose-fitting sweats for working out, or to go to bed, then tell her how “good those look” on her. Depending on how big they are, this may come off as a joke no matter how well you execute the tone and connotation, but don’t worry, if it flops then it won’t hurt your position. Also, it’s a clear sign that you’re ready for disarmament if she begins wearing them more often than usual.

If done properly, she will now be off-guard and is ready to be disarmed in preparation for battle. Her ammunition are your flaws. Obviously you can’t fix all of them, but you can fix an even mix of the big and little ones (the little ones are very important as those are the most difficult attacks to counter in an argument), as well as take steps to fixing or improving others. You cannot make these changes too obvious or else she may become suspicious (that you’re cheating on her, not that you want to break up), so be very careful. Some common flaws to work on: leaving the toilet seat up, not listening, having a lousy job, having no job, strong ties to mother, not watching what she wants to watch, drinking/spending time with friends too much. I reiterate, do your best to not make your efforts obvious, at least try not to let the changes affect your general demeanor. While changing some habits may put a pep in your step, you must resist the temptation to pep.

Once that is complete, you are ready to initiate a fight. Pick the right moment, a calm night far removed from any fights and wait for her to make a move, to do one thing that you can complain about that will set you off on a tirade of annoyances. Attack her insecurities without subtlety, her weight, her clothes, her friends, her recent penchant for sitting on the couch all day eating ice cream in her filthy sweats. If your attacks are successful, she will burst into tears, or possibly make a feeble attempt to retaliate at which point you can reveal your improvements, thus deflating her completely.

Most importantly, resist any temptation to have post-fight coitus. This will not only nullify all of your attacks, but it is a sign of great weakness that she will exploit and use to destroy you. After the fight is over, or even in its final coughing fits, make her leave immediately (or if you’re at her “camp”, you leave immediately), insisting that she or you return for retrieving whatever has been left there.

If this method fails, then you have no choice but to marry the succubus because any second attempt, no matter how cunning, will most likely result in bodily (specifically the groin) harm, if not death.

–Daniel Kiehnhoff

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