I’m not going to mess around this week. I have no soapbox to stand on or issue I feel the need to rant about. Instead, I’m just going to nonchalantly dismiss some musicians in a self serving manner. Who needs therapy when you have a column on FRED?

Once again, all bands reviewed are done so solely on the basis that they tried to add me as a friend on MySpace.
The fools.
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M T M
www.myspace.com/mexicantimemachine

The Mexican Time Machine look like 3 homeless dudes. There is a possibility that they really are 3 homeless dudes and this is some sort of community outreach program: getting hobos to play music in order to relieve their smelly blues. The thing is, they’re the best homeless guy band I’ve ever heard. I just wish they’d wash.

I honestly don’t know what I expected to hear when I clicked play. The name was weird. They looked weird. I expected something weird. I got something great. I’ve decided I’m going to give you a play-by-play of the setlist.

The first few songs are live recordings and are pretty damn clear compared to some of the live crap I’ve heard on here before. In The City-Brown Cow took me by surprise as it goes from being a nice old fashioned bluesy kind of feel to some crazy metal highs. Car Chase does what it says on the tin, it’s a great instrumental soundtrack to an imaginary drag race (I’m half tempted to dub it over the Grease end-of-movie race to see if it fits).

The next two tracks take me completely into Presidents Of The United States Of America territory. Crystal is instantly catchy and fun. 2 In The Oven ,while sticking out like a sore thumb as being the biggest sound departure, has the exact same effect. Honestly, listen. I dare you not to tap your foot and hum it for the rest of the day. I love dirty beats and this has a filthy one. I’m talking Jenna Haze filthy.

We’re then given another movie soundtrack style instrumental in Waltz and Valley. It’s funny how a song with no words can give you such a clear picture in your head. It does really show off the guitar playing, which is very impressive.

Then we get the demo version of Crystal again, which is slightly different as it’s stripped down to almost only vocals.

So that’s it. I liked it. I had fun. We shared some laughs. Had a few beers. Hugged a little towards the end. It was emotional. I went back to my house and they went back to their cardboard boxes in the alley. Who could ask for more?

Presentation = 0/5
Content = Drab looking page but enough songs and some videos with bad sound.
Music = 4/5
Friend Request = ACCEPTED!

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EDEN
www.myspace.com/edenofficial

Eden are the duo of Ian Henderson and Mark Power. They plan on burning your face with their neon electro-pop straight out of the 80s via a fucked up Delorian. If you like synthesizers or gay bars you’ll absolutely love Eden. My problem is that I’m not excited by either.

Sure, I love my 80s pop but the Pet Shop Boys didn’t really do it for me and Erasure were fun for the campness but where are they now? The thing about Eden is they’re slightly too serious about their euro-dance shenanigans for my liking. There is nothing wrong with taking your music seriously and this is obviously a genre they hold dear to their hearts as it is clearly a great example of it. But I don’t take the genre seriously myself so without a tongue in any cheek here; I just don’t care.

I’ve got to hand it to them though, they have the aesthetic down. The page looks exactly how you would want a band like this to look. The music is solid too with a nice hook to most songs. If I Was A Pet Shop Boy is still stuck in my head a week later. I’d be lying if I said the vocals didn’t annoy me though. They’re weak, not out of tune but just powerless. If Eden had someone with a big set of pipes behind them, I think this might have made a bit more sense. Or at least had that impact weapon available, which could make things interesting.

Again, these guys seem to love what they do and they’re a good example of it. I would just rather not listen to it myself. They’re not good enough to be as po-faced as they are and they’re not camp enough to make it fun. Which is a shame.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = Enough songs but no videos.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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JUNKIES SWEET TOOTH
www.myspace.com/junkiessweettooth

What’s in a name? When it comes to bands, not a hell of a lot. The Beatles would have been just as awesome if their name was The Petunias. On the flip side, no kind of amazing name would cover the fact that The Script are horse manure. In the end, it’s the music that talks.

I have to say though, the title Junkies Sweet Tooth for a band does conjure images. I expected some sort of punk or death metal band. It’s on the wrong side of pretentious.

To their credit, the music is better than the name. It actually doesn’t have much of a connection to it. It offers this strange juxtaposition though because at the top of the page is a massive logo which is even worse. A photoshopped image of a guy hanging his head in the middle of a grimy alley. The band are obviously trying to convey an image, an attitude or raison d’être. But they’re fooling themselves in their attempt to fool us.

The music is lively, toe-tapping, bluesy kind of rock. There are solid, catchy guitar riffs and toe tapping rhythm. The singer has a good tone to his voice even if the lyrics are awkward and pedestrian. It’s not bad, I enjoyed listening to it.

But I’m left with that question. Why are they trying to be what they’re not? The only connection I saw was in their self titled song. And while this is a clunky story telling ramble it still comes across more preachy than tough.

It’s all a bit of a conundrum. I’m mostly nitpicking but that’s my job. Besides, they withdrew their friend request before this article was put up. You don’t reject me, I reject you!

Presentation = 3/5
Content = A couple of songs.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DISAPPEARED!

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SELBY GREEN
www.myspace.com/selbygreen

“The best up and coming rock’n’roll band in Yorkshire”. I laughed and laughed and then I laughed some more. It’s not that their claim is wrong, they could well indeed be the best up and coming rock’n’roll band in Yorkshire. I’m not going to tell them they’re wrong. It’s the need to clarify exactly what they mean that made me chuckle. There is so much bravado and then so little all in the same sentence. I am also the greatest MySpace music reviewer on the whole internet who is typing this on a train. That’s how great I am. No one else on a train, typing a music review of bands from MySpace, is better than me.

When it gets time to actually listen to the music (as I wipe away my tears) I’m pleasantly surprised. They’re not bad. Nothing revolutionary but definitely listenable. The lead singer does sound slightly Americanized (which is a pet peeve of mine) but every now and then you’ll get a word or two with the Yorkshire twang. The sound is pretty clean if slightly generic but it doesn’t grate and I think I could sit through a set of theirs at a show without a complaint.

The key word is “think” though, as they only have two songs available to play on their profile. It always irks me a little that a band can create a Twitter page but can’t put more than two songs up on a MySpace page. You’re a band, I don’t want to read about what you’re doing in 140 characters or less, I want to hear your music.

Because of this stumbling block it’s hard to rate the music of Selby Green. It’s ok, I guess, but I don’t think I know enough to care.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Fuck all.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

– If you’d like to make Aaron’s life even more boring than it is by inflicting your music upon him, send him a friend request at www.myspace.com/aaronhbp. The next time he has a free moment he’ll curse your name as he includes you in this column.

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