ALBERTA – Spring is here and truth shall be in the air around Durham, North Carolina as the Full Frame Documentary Film Festival blossoms from April 8 – 11. This is a four day feast of prime cinema featuring real people with real lives and real issues that weren’t shaped by the beancounters in marketing. Last year’s festival featured Oscar winner The Cove and nominees Burma VJ and Food Inc. Looking through this year’s line up, there’s plenty reasons to make the trip to the Bull City if you need to escape from the unmitigated hype of Tiger Woods at the Masters.

And Everything is Going Fine is Steven Soderbergh’s biography of Spalding Gray. The monologist was the one man story machine in Swimming in Cambodia and Monster in a Box. Soderbergh directed Gray’s Gray’s Anatomy. He killed himself after seeing Tim Burton’s Big Fish. That film wanted me to ask for my money back till I remembered it was a free preview. Casino Jack and the United States of Money gives us more insight into the lobbyist Jack Abramoff and all the Congressmen that loved his money. There hasn’t been this much slime on the screen since The Blob. Strange Powers: Stephin Merritt and the Magnetic Fields is on my must see list. The cult band was amazing back at Merge Record’s Fifth anniversary party. Videocracy focuses on Italian leader Silvio Berlusconi and his media empire. He’s the world leader that doesn’t mind partying with the ladies.

Divine Pig sounds like a pork lover’s dream. It explores a free-range pig sty in Holland. A happy pig makes smiling sausage. There’s also that strange issue of when livestock becomes too friendly. Can you really make a pork chop out of Babe? Genius Within: The Inner Life of Glenn Gould pokes around the iconic pianist who liked to hum when playing. The Invention of Dr. Nakamats introduces us to the inventor of the floppy disk and thousands of other devices. No Crossover: The Trial of Allen Iverson gets beneath the skin of the troubled NBA star who was recently sent home to deal with demons. Director Steve James gave us Hoop Dreams. Now he gives us another view of the industry that revolves around basketball.

Food Network and Top Chef fiends will be interested in King of Pastry. Chris Hegedus and DA Pennebaker (Don’t Look Back) get inside the Meilleur Ouvrier de France. The chefs have to make over 40 handmade concoctions in the course of 3 days. It’s like Iron Chef in overdrive. Disney fans should bask in the glow of Waking Sleeping Beauty about the revival of animation in the house of mouse. There’s a lot of insider footage of the crew that gave us Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. You’ll get a chance to see Tim Burton before he perfected his look and made Spalding Gray give up the will to live. Here’s the trailer for this one:

There are a few older documentaries screened over the weekend. Live Nude Girls UNITE! is about peepshow dancers wanting to unionize. Now there’s a labor movement that certain conservatives can’t complain about. Target Shoots First gives an insider look at the Columbia House Record Club. Remember when they had those? What was it like behind the walls where 12 CDs for the price of 1 was gold? The film came out a decade ago, but I’ve never been able to come across the DVD legally.

For plenty of information about attending the festival visit www.fullframefest.org. They do sell individual tickets in case you just want to see the Disney documentary. The best part about the festival is the awards dinner features BBQ pork. Unlike Sundance, everyone is a winner at Full Frame with a plate full of BBQ.

CREEPY DAD EASTER SPECIAL

Is it wrong to have your baby audition for a Realty Show? Here’s the tape we sent to E! for The Girls Next Door 3.0.

END IT ALL

In order to not be investigated by the FBI, the names will be withheld, but you probably know who I’m talking about – There’s a group of people who I only want to read about if the headline includes “Murder-Suicide.” I’ve had it with their continual trainwrecks that never stop as long as they suspect there’s a chance of getting coverage on Entertainment Tonight. Just do the world a favor, buy a gun, sit out the waiting period and then put a period in your life story. If you don’t want to be that drastic, sign with William Morris so that we know you’ll vanish off the face of the earth.

CHAT FATIGUE PT. 2

I was a draft dodger in the Late Night wars. Team Coco didn’t win me over. Neither did I root for Leno or revive my romance with David Letterman. What’s the point of sacrificing my ability to watch The Colbert Report so I can catch Will Farrell promoting his latest cinematic dud? After Colbert says goodnight, the DVD player gets fired up. Now it looks like Conan is going to get the 11 o’clock slot on your local Fox channel. Are there really enough celebrities for Conan, Leno, Dave and Jimmy Kimmel? This multitude of chat show sofas is what inflicted America with Spencer Pratt. Imagine the primordial ooze that will rise up next to the desk in the near future. They’ll be able to get three nights from the Neiers sisters of E!’s Pretty Wild.

It’s not a pretty picture to have that much yakking in a timeslot. Plus there’s still Chelsea Handler and George Lopez. It is amazing that they haven’t figured out how to outsource talkshow hosting duties to India.

TOURNEY TIME

Why do academics and journalists demand college basketball players also be students? Aren’t they doing enough for the universities as human ATMs? It’s not like the kid is ever going to “leave” school since his highlight footage will be exploited forever without a single penny of compensation. Do you know how many thousands of dollars you have to pay ABC to use Al Michaels screaming, “Do you believe in Miracles?!” Figure out how many times they repeat great plays of college kids without asking their permission or paying a royalty? That scholarship cash is peanuts in exploitation action.

Athletes shouldn’t have to worry about the distraction of classes to prove themselves of value to a college. When is the last time you forgave a player choking on the free throw line because he scored high on his Calculus exam? Mathletes aren’t athletes. Nobody demands the basketball coach teaches a real class, but somehow he’s part of the faculty. Why shouldn’t a basketball player be given the same option to be a student without wasting time in a classroom?

Student athletes playing basketball are as boring as WWE superstars doing scientific wrestling. If brain power mattered, wouldn’t MIT have as many NCAA banners as UCLA? The college basketball player ought to have the option of taking courses after his playing career is over so alumni don’t have to worry if his study hall is getting in the way of the practice court.

KEN VS CROWS

Mystery Science Theater 3000: XVII contains four more movies, but most importantly it features our own Ken Plume moderating “Crow Vs. Crow at Dragon Con ’09.” He’s got to get between Trace Beaulieu and Bill Corbett to determine who brought the golden wit to the robot. Over the course of 35 minutes, we get to know the men who manipulated Crow T. Robot’s bowling pin mouth.

The four movies selected for this boxset feature poverty productions that make you ponder “how did the camera man remember to remove the lens cap?” The Crawling Eye was the first episode showed on Comedy Central (then called The Comedy Channel). J Elvis Weinstein is the voice of Tom Servo so don’t adjust your volume. Unlike many bad monster movies, there really is a Crawling Eye creature in the film. The Beatniks has nothing to do with Jack Kerouac. There is very little poetry on the screen. Indeed they should have called this The Hoodlums. Joel goes nasty on the bots playing Paper, Scissors, Rock since the robots don’t have movable fingers. The fix is on.

“The Blood Waters of Dr. Z” has a voiced over scientist transform himself into an evil aquatic monster. It’s pure low budget cheese with the monster chasing after the ladies. “The Final Sacrifice” is one of the most demanded titles since it is a masterpiece on hating Canadians. If you ever wanted to laugh at the residents of the 51st state, watch this really bad movie about a secret society. It makes no sense. Luckily Mike and the Bots just tear into the Canadian cast like a box of Tim Horton donuts. The bacon comments are essential for Robin Sprinkle fans.

It’s a crying shame that Mystery Science Theater 3000 isn’t still on TV. But whenever I feel the pangs of wanting to see another episodes, out one comes. Mystery Science Theater 3000: XVIII is due out on July 13th. The movies include Lost Continent, Crash of the Moons, The Beast of Yucca Flats and Jack Frost.

BLU-RAY HEAVEN

Wonderful World turns Matthew Broderick into a bitter, dope smoking, divorced father with a failed career as a kiddie entertainer. The only thing bright and happy in his life is his roommate Ibu (The Wire‘s Michael Kenneth Williams). But even that goes wrong when Ibu ends up in a coma. His sister (Sanaa Lathan) visits from Senegal. It finally makes him realize he doesn’t have to be as bitter as Don Murphy at Chuck E. Cheese. Also helps that Ibu’s sister takes a liking to him. Philip Baker Hall (Boogie Nights) plays the nagging voice in Matthew’s head. This is kinda like how Ferris Beuller’s life turned out after his friends get sick of being abused. The Blu-ray really brings out the bitter, burn out glow to Broderick as he lights up fake joints. Michael Kenneth Williams brings a gentle performance since he’s mostly known for his hardcore Omar Little that roamed the streets of Baltimore with a shotgun.

DVD SHELF

Hawaii Five-O: The Eighth Season is best remembered as the season that Duke (Herman Wedemeyer) went from being McGarrett’s contact person on the Honolulu Police Department to wearing the suit of Five-O. The season starts off big on “Murder – Eyes Only.” After a mail bomb kills a naval officer, McGarrett has to be a cop while serving his time in the Naval Reserve. There’s a lot of shipboard action and a visit to the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial. The culprit behind the mayhem is the Chinese agent Wo Fat. “Target? the Lady” makes Susan Dey a mobster moll. Be shocked at the youthful appearance of Marc “The Beastmaster” Singer. “Wooden Model of a Rat” turns the power of Ed Asner to evil. He comes up with an art scam to make McGarrett (Jack Lord) look like he’s been stealing police evidence. Even the governor thinks Hawaii’s top cop is secretly crooked. There’s 23 episodes spread over 6 DVDs. Once more we get to see how McGarrett kept those island clean in the ’70s.

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: The Sixth Season is the penultimate go around for Melissa Joan Hart and her witchy ways. While still attending college, Sabrina finds time to work at a newspaper and hook up with a reporter (David Lascher) as her boyfriend. One of her roommates is Punky Brewster (Soleil Moon Frye). The series remains a Party Favors favorite since the Shagmaster General Nick Bakay voices the barely animatronic cat Salem. “Really Big Season Opener” makes the witch a movie maker. Naturally she favors the horror genre. The trouble is her movie monsters might be real creeps. “The Competition” presents a cameo from tennis star Andy Roddick. He’s best known now as Mr. Brooklyn Decker. “I Fall to Pieces” has Aunt Hilda (Caroline Rhea) get married after a whirlwind meeting in a food court. She’s now the mom’s voice on Phineas and Ferb. The boxset features 22 magical episodes on 3 DVDs.

7th Heaven: The Tenth Season is also the penultimate time for the Camden family. This was the slightly religious show with the Rev. Camden (Stephen Collins) his wife and 7 kids. Haylie Duff is the noted star even though she’s not as much of a hit as her sister. She’s knocked up as the season begins. Another sister gets pregnant again. “Home Run” has the recently departed Peter Graves (Mission: Impossible) as the Colonel. He still has his Mr. Phelps swagger in the house. “Soup’s On” has nothing to do with Joel McHale’s career. Although we do get Michael McDonald of MadTV fame. Although he really ought to be getting exorcised by the reverend. There’s 22 episodes on 5 DVDs.

Talhotblond brings the dangers of cyber dating. This is the true story that even worse than an adult posing as a teenage girl to lure you onto the set of To Catch a Predator is a teenage girl luring you into a deadly fate. In this case, the girl gets a marine and his work buddy would have been better off facing Chris Hansen in the kitchen. If you need a documentary to scare people about what can really go wrong with internet chatting, Talhotblond is it. Director Barbara Schroeder gets us into this digital triangle and beyond its aftermath. I’m not going to give away too much because you’ll be freaked out. You might question what extreme you’d go to for an instant message.

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