NASHVILLE – How much is your child’s love worth?
Kiddie country sensation Taylor Swift is coming to town. Just for kicks I checked Stubhub to see how much people were willing to resell tickets to the sold out show. I nearly threw up my Twinkie when I saw quite a few seats priced at $l,200. That’s not a typo. They are expecting some parent to pay $1,2000 for their kid to see a twig with a blonde wig. Since the kid isn’t of driving age, that means the parent is willing to pay $2,400 to make their kid happy. While the seats were on the floor, they were nearly 50 rows back from the stage.
For that price, I expect to be close enough to the stage to know if Taylor Swift wears panties or a g-string. I want to be close enough to use qualify as her OB-GYN. I want Taylor Lautner to swear he smells me on her. For $2,400, I expect to see my name tattooed above her butt crack as thanks.
This outrageous price is being met for a kiddie act. Did scalpers at New Kids on the Block or the Monkees concerts ever get $1,200? Did the Monkees even get paid that much money per show? I don’t think there’s any adult act I’d pay that much money to merely see. Once in Atlantic City we were told that New Year’s Eve tickets to Cher were $500. My response is for that price, they had better serve me Cher’s removed ribs. For that much cash, I expect Taylor Swift to cook us breakfast after she Simonizes my car.
What exactly do you get for $2,400? Your little girl’s love until the next Disney sensation comes to town? You could buy an Oompa-Loompa for less. Have we become a nation of Veruca Salts and their daddies? There must be a cash limit on being the cool parent. Getting into a sold out concert shouldn’t cost more than two months of your mortgage. If your kid wanted to go, they should have been faster when ordering on Ticketmaster.
When the time comes that my child has to see the new Taylor Swift with no price being too much; I will softly inform my child that such a price is completely out of the question. I will also inform them of the evil things Roadies do to young girls that want a backstage pass. If she still expects me to pay an extreme price for a ticket, she’ll have to sell her own kidney to a Yakuza crime boss.
YO JERSEY
Now that Jersey Shore first season is over, can we get a law forcing anyone that appears on an MTV show to be sterilized? Do we really need these kids procreating? The amount of mega-tub GNC muscle builders devoured by the orange stars might have shriveled their balls to the size of raisins. But there’s a rare chance that one of the girls could have gotten knocked up in the festering petrie dish known as the hot tub. Do we really need Snooki on next year’s 16 and Pregnant? There’s already reports a castmember hanging out with a Teen Mom star. She’s looking to get renewed the easy way?
I’ll admit to being hooked on the adventures of Guido-mania. I haven’t spent this much time watching Italians since Super Mario Beatdown. But these people were the laziest ever. The whined about working at a t-shirt shop for 4 hours. And they didn’t even have to do that many things since there was a camera crew helping them look like they were working between craft service breaks. Have seven people ever became more famous for doing so little? There haven’t been this many lame freeloaders of fame since the bench of the Chicago Bulls in the ’90s.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
The Flaming Lips’ reworking of Dark Side of the Moon is stunning. They don’t merely do a note for note remake like a cover band. They rework the semi-psychedelic masterpiece with the help of Peaches and Henry Rollins. The digital only album is as contagious as the Pink Floyd original. The only bad part is that they didn’t throw in a cover of “Echoes.” Maybe next year Justin Timberlake can rework The Wall
DON’T MESS WITH THE FAVORS
Remember a few years back when we ran into Leif Garrett at the Hooters? He promised to give us a real interview. And then he didn’t. He won’t be talking to us anytime soon since he got busted at a subway stop in Los Angeles for possession of heroin.
On the other hand, recent interview subjects in the Party Favors have done well. Rick Harrison of History Channel’s Pawn Stars is the king of cable. The show is drawing more eyeballs than Heroes. Louie Psihoyos is getting his tuxedo ready for the Oscars with The Cove up for Best Documentary. While Paul Schneider didn’t get Academy love for his role in Bright Star, his Parks and Recreation series has been renewed for next season. Chef Duff of Ace of Cakes mentioned to us that the Food Network wouldn’t let him on Iron Chef. After the interview ran, he had a great battle against pork king Michael Symon.
When the Party Favors requests an interview with you, ask yourself this question: Do you want to be busted for black tar heroin while waiting for the subway?
THAT’S OUR BILL
After once pleading for Bill Murray to quit playing sad sacks as part of his comeback, he’s given us a chance to laugh in Zombieland. While it’s best not to give away anything he does in the film, he should have been nominated for every major award. The film is now out on DVD so you can truly enjoy the joy of Bill Murray instead of the glum gus that pops up in Wes Anderson and Jim Jarmusch movies.
CREEPY DAD
WIN MARY TYLER MOORE!
It’s another giveaway contest! We have three copies of The Mary Tyler Moore Show: The Complete Sixth Season to give away to lucky Party Favors readers thanks to the fine folks at 20th Century Fox Home Video. This was the penultimate season for Mary and the staff of WJM-TV. Mary moves to a brand new apartment. She spices up her life in various ways. Ultimately this season is known for one hall of fame episodes: “Chuckles Bites the Dust.” What happens when the station’s clown gets killed during a circus parade? It’s not the usual tearjerker. How can you shed tears at the funeral of a clown? If you want to get to watch this very special episode, all you have to do is answer this question: Who played Chuckles on this episode? Send your answer and mailing address to mokaha@aol.com along with your mailing address. Remember that this contest isn’t open to my family, Chuckles the clown’s family or Manson family members.
DVD SHELF
Vega$: The First Season, Volume 2 brings another dozen cases of Dan Tanna action. This show brings together the finest elements of Rockford Files and The Love Boat. This finest creation even written by Michael Mann. Most of the episodes are star packed. Randolph Mantooth is a hotheaded tennis champ in “Serve, Volley and Kill.” “Ghost of the Ripper” has a Banacek vibe. Muhammad Ali makes an inspirational cameo in “The Eleventh Event.” “Demand and Supply” is an extra creepy tale of high school hookers since their pimp is Mr. Peterson from The Bob Newhart Show. “Doubtful Target” is pretty much the last time Leslie Nielsen was a wicked heavy instead of a fart joking goof. He shoots Binzer’s blind girlfriend. How mean can a man get? The cool part is that the show was actually shot in middle school Vegas. Keep an eye out for marquees advertising Nipsey Russell.
Barnaby Jones: Season One brings together the elderly Buddy Ebsen and the cinematic Catwoman, Lee Meriweather. “Requiem for a Son” launched the show as a semi-spin off of Cannon (William Conrad). Barnaby Jones was a retired private investigator who got back into the game when his son was murdered. His daughter-in-law (Meriweather) joins him the in the pursuit. “To Catch a Dead Man” has William Shatner (Star Trek) in surprise role. “Sing a Song of Murder” hums along with Jackie Coogan (Uncle Fester). Because there was a law on the books in the ’70s, “Murder Go-Round” features Geoffrey Lewis (the man who isn’t Robert Pine) and the ultimate heavy known as Claude Akins (Sheriff Lobo). Barnaby Jones reminds us that a really old guy can still kick a young hood’s ass.
Cannon Season Two, Volume Two continues the adventures of my favorite overweight, balding detective. Frank Cannon (William Conrad) is back to remind us that you don’t deny the power of the gut. The 12 cases are one buttkicking after another. “Nobody Beats the House” has Tom Skerritt (Alien) losing fat dollars at an illegal casino run by Paul Michael Glaser (Starsky and Hutch). Geoffrey Lewis gets to be a heavy. “Death of a Stone Seahorse” has the other half of Starsky and Hutch in David Soul. But he’s not cop. He’s a killer. He’s mean enough to set up his mentally impaired sister as the patsy. “The Prisoners” has the dean of actors: Harold Gould. His son fakes his own kidnapping to score fast bucks from the old man. Cannon never gets too confused on a case. He’s out to bust heads to get his clients proven innocent. He moves quick for a fat detective.
JAG: The Final Season is also the 10th year of the show that combined combat action with military justice. This should have been a great capper for a show that was canceled by NBC after 2 years, but revived by CBS for an amazing ratings comeback. However the producers had this idea that JAG wasn’t just David James Elliot. They refused to renew his contract any further and kept introducing cast members for JAG: The Next Generation. CBS didn’t want to make the same mistake that cursed the last two seasons of Scrubs. They canceled the show in time to let the producers focus on a proper ending for Elliot and Catherine Bell. Are they going to truly become a couple? If you’ve liked the first nine seasons, you’ll endure the bumpy moments for the big finale.
Lincoln Heights: The Complete First Season is about a cop that moves his family back to his old neighborhood. He wants to make a difference, but this action makes him fear for his family. He doesn’t have too much problem patrolling the streets, but his kids have issues fitting into the neighborhood. There’s a lot of gang action. They don’t care that their dad is a cop. It’s a little harder than the average ABC Family show. The 13 episodes originally aired on ABC Family. There’s a major cliffhanger, but since they’ve made three more seasons so far, a new viewer won’t be that panicked.
Dynasty: The Fourth Season, Volume Two is more of the Carringtons dominating the Denver social scene. This is a sad time for me since these are the final episodes of Pamela Sue Martin. No more Nancy Drew hanging out with Joan Collins and Linda Evans. There’s a lot of betrayal and backstabbing. Fallon (Martin) enters a doomed marriage with Peter even though Blake warns her. Things don’t end nicely for her in the final episode. Krystle gets knocked up. Alexis (Collins) gets busted on a murder charge. Joan Collins knows how to look guilty. Diahann Carroll becomes part of the family as Blake’s illegitimate half-sister. Even in the thin air of Denver, there’s jungle fever. There’s 13 episodes on 3 discs. The series lasted another five seasons.
Air Bud Golden Receiver: Special Edition takes us back to the time when a simple dog had a dream of schooling humans at their own sports. The former basketball playing dog is now running down a grassy field and making impossible receptions using his mouth. This is exactly how Ochocinco works. This was the second of the golden retriever movies, but it’s been updated to include his children: The Buddies. Luckily they didn’t try to CGI the little doggies into the action. Instead there’s an option to let the new dogs give their commentary on a recap movie. The six minute featurette is called “The Buddie’s Sports Channel.” It’ll keep your small kid wondering why aren’t the little doggies in this movie. The special edition packaging includes a whistle suitable for playing at home referee.
Minnie’s Bow-Tique are four episodes of the CGI animated Mickey Mouse Club House series. This more for kids with the happy tales of the cheerful Disney universe. The episodes are all based around Minnie Mouse’s adventures. “Minnie’s Bow-tique” has her opening a store that only sells bows. Talk about a specific clientele. Although she does have bowties with spy gadgets. Peg-leg Pete arrives needing a bow. He has two feet now. Weird. There’s plenty of songs for little kids to hit rewind and sing along. This for really small kids and not traditionalists. The big bonus is a magnetic frame with bonus bows so you can put the kid’s face on the fridge.
Gary Unmarried: The Complete First Season stars my favorite Jim Rome caller Jay Mohr. He’s divorced dad with two teens. He wants to find a new woman cause he just can’t give away houses fast enough. His day job is house painter. Oddly enough Jay doesn’t look that out of place covered in Sherwin Williams satin finish. The kids include a son that sounds like his father and a daughter who would be ridiculed by a certain psychotic TV host. Most of the comedy comes in his attempts to move on from his ex-wife. Except she’s still a part of his life with the kids. It’s one of Jay’s best roles since being the utter jerk in Jerry Maguire. The 20 episodes are spread over 3 DVDs. The bonus features include bloopers, Ed Begley Jr’s green tips and a day with Jay on the set.
Army Wives: The Complete Third Season gives us a peek into military families around Charleston, South Carolina. The show is a continuation of the armed forces career of Catherine Bell (JAG). Kim Delaney, Sally Pressman and Brigid Brannagh are the other three wives that remind us of the family sacrifices in this time of war. There’s a lot of strife this third season as couples try their hardest to maintain their marriages. What does a soldier do when his child holds his work in contempt? There’s also more baby talk. The Lifetime series treats these relationships with respect. The 18 episodes are spread over 5 DVDs. The bonus features includes webisodes and a tour of Charleston.
Whatever She Wants gives us Vivica A. Fox in her post-Curb Your Enthusiasm prime. She’s sick of dating dogs (like that Larry David). She gets wise and starts a private club where the guys have to prove they aren’t major cads. She wants only the finest of the fines. When she finally find that special guy, he might not be what she’s been considering in her club. Boris Kodjoe knows how to let the gleaming dome attract the ladies. Richard Roundtree (Shaft) reminds us that he was once a cinematic hunk that no woman could refuse. How can Vivica A. Fox not find herself a fine man? The bonus features includes interview with Vivica. She doesn’t give us a way to apply to be her special man.
Comments: None
Leave a Reply |