An exclusive interview with James Cameron, Emperor of Everything on his latest James Cameron Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢: AVATAR
Now that the James Cameron Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar has taken over as the Greatest James Cameron Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Ever Made and James Cameron himself has been crowned Emperor of Everything, it’s only fitting that The No Show track him down and ask him the hard hitting questions that everyone is too scared to ask for fear that he will crush them with his withering stares and his personal army of Terminators (they’re totally real by the way).
Now that the James Cameron Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar has taken over as the Greatest James Cameron Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Ever Made and James Cameron himself has been crowned Emperor of Everything, it’s only fitting that The No Show track him down and ask him the hard hitting questions that everyone is too scared to ask for fear that he will crush them with his withering stares and his personal army of Terminators (they’re totally real by the way).
THE NO SHOW: So James – may I call you James?
The Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything: You may refer to me as James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.
THE NO SHOW: I’m sorry…?
TDVoJC (EoE): Please refer to me by my given name, James Cameron, Emperor of Everything.
THE NO SHOW: That’s going to eat into a lot of our interview time.
TDVoJC (EoE): Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. After all, I’m a Master of Time and Space.
THE NO SHOW: Master of Time?
TDVoJC (EoE): And Space, yes. All Canadians are, but they’re too polite to really use the skill. Those that do become incredibly successful for almost no reason whatsoever, of course. Think about it: Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Alanis Morissette – what have they done to deserve their success?
THE NO SHOW: That does explain a lot.
TDVoJC (EoE): Absolutely. Just look at my previous Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Titanic – that flew by for millions of viewers around the world, right? And yet it clocked in at an epic 19 hours long. No-one even noticed because I squeezed it into a paltry three hours and 17 minutes.
THE NO SHOW: It still felt pretty long.
TDVoJC (EoE): So if we’re running short on time, I’ll bend time and space to make sure you get in all your questions. So long as I approve of the questions. Otherwise, I’ll rewind time and refuse this interview. And then make sure you achieve none of your lifelong ambitions. I will also un-invent the internet if you bug me. Just to make sure.
In fact, if you do, say or suggest anything of which I do not approve, in addition to killing every pet you have ever owned, I will travel back to your early twenties and sleep with your first serious girlfriend, little… [loud electrical disturbance] Mary McGoogle. My she was a hottie wasn’t she?
THE NO SHOW: …
TDVoJC (EoE): [loud electrical disturbance] Oh yes she was. I just went back and did her anyway. Twice. Just to show you I mean business. You should call her up and ask her. She probably wouldn’t take your call though. Once you go Disembodied Master of Space and Time, you never go back, as they say. On the bright side, you’ll find you have now never had crabs. You’re welcome.
THE NO SHOW: So, your film, Avatar, has been breaking records all over the place –
TDVoJC (EoE): Do you mean my Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar?
THE NO SHOW: Yes, the film –
TDVoJC (EoE): – my Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ –
THE NO SHOW: – Avatar has done major box office –
TDVoJC (EoE): My Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar is has been are doing precisely the box office I am are making it do. Done. Sorry, tenses get a bit squiffy with time travel.
THE NO SHOW: Did your plans include being knocked off the top spot in the US by Dear John, by all accounts a soppy romance with virtually no story and no big Hollywood names?
TDVoJC (EoE): Yes. This was exactly as I made it happen. My Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar beat the record box office run established by my previous Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Titanic, and my next Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ will beat my current Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ and so on and so forth. It’s a long-term strategy.
THE NO SHOW: And you made this happen…?
TDVoJC (EoE): Absolutely. I manipulated time and space, went back and forth, checked out the films that were due to be released around this time and chose Dear John, which was the least threatening.
Then, late at night while everybody was sleeping, I crept into their rooms and whispered, “You will go see Dear John this weekend. You will go see Dear John this weekend. This will not affect your unquestioning devotion to James Cameron’s Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar.” Lo and behold, my Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar drops to second place. And this way, no-one even noticed that my Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar had virtually no story.
As for the Epic box office performance of my Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar, well, what can I say? I’ve always done well with sequels.
THE NO SHOW: Sequel?
TDVoJC (EoE): Well, technically my Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar is the fourteenth in a series.
THE NO SHOW: But Avatar –
TDVoJC (EoE): – my Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Avatar –
THE NO SHOW: Whatever, it wasn’t a sequel.
TDVoJC (EoE): Of course it was, the first one bombed, don’t you remember? Then I did all those test screenings, made the Na’vi skinny and half-naked, gave the female ones pert little Shakira-like breasts and – oh no, of course you don’t. Silly me, always forgetting these things. Interesting story: in fact, this is the fourteenth release of the film, you just don’t remember them. I kept going back in time, simplifying the story, making it more familiar and comfortable for audiences and adding more partial nudity and explosions and special effects until BAM, I had a multi-million dollar hit on my hands. Simples.
THE NO SHOW: Is that why the film –
TDVoJC (EoE): – Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ –
THE NO SHOW: – has been described as a mix between Pocahontas, The Dark Crystal and the Smurfs, but for adults?
TDVoJC (EoE): [loud electrical disturbance] … I’m sorry, what were you saying?
THE NO SHOW: … Hm, that’s funny, I don’t remember.
TDVoJC (EoE): That’s fine. You were asking how it feels to have created what many are calling the most Epic cinematic experience since my last Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ Titanic.
THE NO SHOW: Was I? I don’t recall…
TDVoJC (EoE): No problem. It feels great.
THE NO SHOW: Um OK, thanks for taking the time to speak with us.
TDVoJC (EoE): My pleasure. And remember: my next Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢, The Little Mermaid, comes out next year. And it will be in 4D, a technology I haven’t even invented yet, but I’m confident I’ll be able to borrow from somewhere in time and claim as my own with a few very minor tweaks.
THE NO SHOW: The Little Mermaid? You mean like the Disney –
TDVoJC (EoE): [loud electrical disturbance] … I’m sorry, what were you saying?
THE NO SHOW: Um, sorry, I’ve lost my train of thought. In any case, we’ve run out of time, so I’ll just say thanks to the Disembodied Voice of James Cameron, Emperor of Everything, and we look forward to what I’m sure will have been your next biggest Epic Motion Pictureâ„¢ ever.
TDVoJC (EoE): Now you’re getting it.
THE NO SHOW: By the way, I loved Citizen Kane.
TDVoJC (EoE): Thanks. I was particularly proud of that one.
–Brought to you by The No Show
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