CHICAGO – We’re approaching an entertainment apocalypse as the new four horsemen arrive on the hill: Redbox, Comcast, Marketeers and Spencer Pratt. In a decade, we’re going to be watching puppet shows on network TV and not even Jeff Dunham level puppet shows. But let’s give a run down of trainwrecks that will claim the lives of entertainment business models.
Redbox is a simple concept – a kiosk that allows you to rent a hot new DVD title for a $1 a day. There will be 20,000 of them across the country in grocery stores, drugstores and Wal-marts by the end of the year. They’re a mini-Blockbuster that’s doesn’t required a zit-faced dreamer to run the register. What’s the problem with Redbox? It’s killing to DVD sales market faster than Blockbuster and Netflix. Having Redbox inside Wal-Mart wrecks the impulse buying temptation of the giant sale bin. Are you going to pay $15 for Transformers 2 when you can merely rent it on the way out the store for $1? It’s getting harder for a producer to declare, “It’ll turn a profit on video!” Films are tanking on DVD that would have made a profit in the VHS rental days. Because of the limited space inside the Redbox machine, non-blockbuster films finding themselves being squeezed out. Small films are getting miniature exposure on DVD. I haven’t seen a fat ass royalty check for my deconstruction producing work on Moving Midway after it hit DVD. This lack of revenue will kill interest in any small production that doesn’t have Tyler Perry’s name in the title. The offer money will dry up for mid-level and indie films if the studios don’t see DVD as a true revenue source. Word is studios want to restructure so DVDs won’t be rentable until a month after they’ve been released for sales. The one good piece of news about Redbox is that it’s making Blockbuster CEO Keyes look like the captain of the Titanic after he had the nerve to trash talk me to his backers.
Marketing departments have sucked the fun out of cinema. These are the guys who run the studio – not the creative dorks. The Marketeers don’t want to release a movie that they actually have promote creatively. They want audience recognition of the source material before a greenlight. They’re more satisfied cranking out films based on old TV shows, not so old movie or toys that their mothers want to throw out. Of course they hit paydirt on Transformers 2 since that touched on all three of those principals. They’re now developing Monopoly as a feature film? Sure Mario Puzo did it as a joke 30 years ago to prove studio executives were morons. Now the children of these executives are as dumb as daddy. Imagine the crowds going nuts when the Thimble lands on Park Place and has to pay the hotel rate! Thanks to loser in marketing, expect to be unwhelmed by Snuggie: The Movie next Christmas. When they get a creative film that isn’t based on those three elements, they tank the promotion and hope it finds an audience on DVD like Idiocracy.
Comcast buying NBC-Universal will be a worse conglomerate marriage than when AOL dry humped Time-Warner. Comcast barely has any business being in the world of cable channels. Have you seen what they’ve done to E! and G4 over the years? Versus is an extremely poor man’s version of ESPN. How can Comcast run a network, a movie studio, news channels and a dozen peacock branded cable channels? You think NBC is cheap with the Jay Leno Show? After Comcast takes over Burbank, they’ll have Jay’s set reduced to a green screen as he mocks Tyra Banks clips. What really makes me fear Comcast taking over is their insistence that Jeff Zucker won’t be replaced. He’s the man who has overseen NBC’s implosion to the point where 30 Rock lost out to Jeff Dunham’s puppets in the ratings. I’d rather hear Ryan Seacrest is the new CEO of NBC with Law and Order: Kardashians.
The final horseman of the Entertainment Apocalypse is Spencer Pratt. He gains this honor not because he’s the third biggest douchebag on reality TV. What makes Pratt so destructive is his label deal with Warner Music Group. That was the day the music died. What qualifies him to such a sweet gig? He’s the mastermind behind his talentless wife’s music. Anyone who ever had a dream of signing to a major label needs to just switch to their “safety dream.” The music industry will never recover from associating with him. Clive Davis might have had golden ears. Spencer Pratt has TB throat.
Now that we can see the major movie studios, DVD distributors, TV networks and music labels on the verge of implosions, let’s focus on the bright side of this story. Now is the time for people to just do things themselves. In the 21st Century, you can get your work seen, heard and read around the globe without paying a fortune in postage. Maybe you won’t have a massive budget to create stuff. But so what? Comcast won’t give you millions although they might loan you a green screen. As far as returns go, it’s not like the majors won’t be screwing you with every royalty statement as they prove your film hasn’t come close to making a profit. DIY will be the only hope of surviving the four horsemen. Entertain each other before the major bore you to death.
FAUX TESTAMENT
According to a Wikipedia entry, Rabbi Shmuley is really Robert Steadman, a former Methodist minister from Ohio. He was exposed as a fraud when neighbors reported that during the Christmas holidays, he doesn’t go to the movies or have Chinese food.
OPEN LETTER TO SODERBERGH
Dear Steven Soderbergh,
The next time you have a major porn star playing a hooker in an R-rated movie, would you mind giving us at least one simulated sex scene? I sat through The Girlfriend Experience after watching Sasha Grey’s early work that’s on the internet. I wanted to know if she’d become the next Traci Lords and Ginger Lynn Allen. Instead of enjoying a film that ought to be reason why DVD scientists invented the frame-advance button, I was throughly bored. Was the script based on stereo installation instructions? You had a 20 minute film padded out to 80 minutes with all the wrong things. Where was the hot shower scene? The chilling hot tub moment? Maybe you have dreams of being emulating ’70s filmmakers with your disjointed editing style, but enough! I rented a film starring a major porn star playing a hooker that was rated R and not once did I slip into Cinemax After Dark mode. Now I know how Harvey Weinstein felt when he snuck into 400 Blows thinking it was a porn film.
As a little bit of advice, Soderbergh – don’t ever make another R-rated movie about a hooker being played by a porn star if you’re not going to give me the goods. The goal of these kinds of movies is to inspire your audience to wank – not for you to perform an “I’m a genius” tugjob in the editing room. Watch a Radley Metzger film to see how it’s really done.
LIFE SKILLS
OOOPPPPSSSS
Turns out Dan Aykroyd’s vodka brand is Crystal Head. This makes no sense since he sells you the booze in a skull bottle. That’s not a head – it’s a skull. Probably someone already has the trademark on Crystal Skull so he had to go with a back up name. To me it’s Crystal Skull. If you ask the liquor store for Crystal Skull vodka, they’ll give you Dan’s brand.
THE MARK OF THE Z
Disney Treasures series has been a DVD salvation over the last decade as the Mouse House neglects their heritage on 5 different cable channels. Each Disney Treasures wave normally consists of three or four titles that vary from animated theatrical shorts to live action shows from the Disneyland TV series. For Wave 9, there’s only two boxsets and they have the same subject: Zorro! Zorro: The Complete First Season 1957-1958 and Zorro: The Complete Second Season 1958-1959 gives us all the episodes and hour long specials featuring the dashing masked hero of old California.
Guy Williams (Professor John Robinson from Lost In Space) is Don Diego de la Vega. He returns from Spain to help his dad’s ranch operation in Southern California. Turns out the colony is turning nasty as Captain Monastario and other fat cats are corrupt. Diego has very little recourse since everyone in government is on the take. In such a moment of distress, Diego fights back by putting on a black mask and outfit. He becomes Zorro, the man who fights for the little guy. He uses his sword to cut a “Z”s whenever his mark is needed. His only real help is Bernardo (Gene Sheldon). The mute servant is faithful to both Diego and Zorro. Amongst the evil soldiers that do the various heavies business is a bit of slapstick in the form of the rotund Sgt. Garcia (Henry Calvin). He’s the early version of Sgt. Schultz. He’s the guy who gets the “Z” cut into his uniform during the opening credits.
The half hour show was a major hit when it aired. Walt Disney didn’t go cheap with his series. The sets look like they were designed for a major motion picture. There’s lots of location work instead of rear projection. There’s a dashing charm to the show as it comes off as more cinematic than stage bound. Guy Williams always delivers the sword fighting action. He defines macho with or without the black mask. He rocks the mustache. Each season had 39 episodes, but they weren’t merely stand alone shows. Many times, the episodes were serialized from a big adventure. This kept the shows from falling into a tempo rut. The first season established the origins and early adventures of Zorro. The second season has more guest stars including Cesar Romero in “The Gay Caballero.” Annette Funicello pops up for a few episodes. In a preview of Williams’ next series, Jonathan Harris (Lost In Space‘s Dr. Smith) in “Zorro and the Mountain Man.” Even though the show was a sensation, it only ran for two seasons when ABC and Walt Disney had issues over certain rights. By the time it cleared up, Walt felt the Zorro craze was dying down. Instead of making a third season, he made four Zorro specials that would be part of the Walt Disney Presents series. These are on the boxsets. Each season of Zorro is spread across 6 DVDs.
There are bonus features hosted by Leonard Maltin that explore the history of the show, the wardrobe and a tribute to Guy Williams. Getting the complete Zorro collection at once is a relief after the previous Disney Treasures only contained a fraction of “Elfego Baca” and “Swamp Fox” episodes in Wave 5. If you have any interest in these sets, grab them now. There’s only 30,000 copies of each in the limited edition release. Last year’s Dr. Syn set had 39,500 copies. It sold out within weeks and is now being sold for around $200 for merely 2 DVDs. Zorro: The Complete First Season 1957-1958 and Zorro: The Complete Second Season 1958-1959 are must grabs.
BLU-RAY HEAVEN
Food, Inc – Blu-ray is the scariest documentary of the year. Ever wonder what it takes for the food to end up in the supermarket? Forget those tales of Old McDonald’s farm. This movie takes us through the real process of chicken, hamburgers, corn and soybeans. It peeks around the agri-stock factories that can barely be called farms. They’re merely cogs on the conveyor belt for servicing the billions served at McDonalds. Wonder why every other week there’s an e-coli outbreak in the news whether it be peanuts, spinach or hamburger? The reason becomes evident in the race to create cheaper food. What’s frightening is that the makers don’t even have to explain “what goes in a hotdog” to gross you out. The biggest revelation is the politics of soybeans. Monsanto created a pesticide and then a genetically altered soybean that could survive that pesticide. Their patented soybean seeds are completely controlled by the company. Monsanto will destroy any farmer that dares to reuse their spare seeds in an upcoming planting season. They will destroy any farmer whose natural soybeans accidentally become hybrids through pollination. Monsanto comes off as the Goldman-Sachs of agriculture with their former employees sneaking into important government gigs. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas worked for Monsanto as a lawyer. That connection didn’t cause him to recuse himself from an important Monsanto case. In fact he wrote the majority opinion for his old boss. Luckily this is not a complete doom and gloom flick. There is hope in farmers that want to raise livestock the right way. You might want to watch this film on a weekend since your natural impulse will be to hit the nearest farmers market for veggies that come straight from the field. The bonus features include deleted scenes and a Nightline episode. In the 1080p vision, you’ll get an eyeful of details from inside chicken shacks and killing floors.
The Answer Man – Blu-ray has Jeff Daniel playing the author of Me and God. The book dealt with his conversation with the big guy and was a sensation two decades ago. Now he’s a slight recluse and a major jerk. Throwing his back out leads him to the eager hands of Lauren Graham (Gilmore Girls). She’s struggling as a single mom. She takes a liking to Daniels without knowing about his book. Is he going to be open to more than a spine straightening? Can he handle a kid without getting crabby? It’s a casually paced romantic comedy that doesn’t overplay its hand thanks to the leads. Kat Dennings pops up. The Blu-ray allows her to glow on the screen. The bonus features include a commentary track with Graham and a documentary about how the film came about.
THE DVD SHELF
Disney Mickey’s Magical Christmas: Snowed In at the House of Mouse is an hour long holiday special at Mickey’s nightclub. There’s plenty of winter themed shorts including iconic Disney characters. Donald and his nephews belt out snowman. They break out the old “Pluto’s Christmas Tree” cartoon with Pluto and Mickey battling Chip N Dale over a pine tree. They include the Mickey Mouse version of A Christmas Carol with Scrooge McDuck playing Scrooge. How did he luck into that gig? The big bonus is the premiere episode of House of Mouse. A nice holiday distraction for the kids and Disneyphiles.
JAG: The Ninth Season is the penultimate season of the Naval law show. The season opens with the resolution of “A Tangled Webb” episode. David James Elliot and Catherine Bell are stuck in Paraguay hunting down Sadik the terrorist. There’s a lot of emotions being stirred up in the jungle between Elliot and Bell. “Shifting Sands” has Elliot messed up when he returns to D.C. and finds his resignation has been processed. Is he out of a job? “The One Who Got Away” puts the unit in the middle of a North Korean hot spot. “Touchdown” has an airlift out of Libya. “People v. SecNav” places Elliot inside the terrifying International Criminal Court as he defends America against the world. There’s 23 episodes spread over 6 DVDs.
The Untouchables Season Three, Volume Two brings more raw justice from Eliot Ness and his crew of gangbusters. “Takeover” has John Banner (Hogan’s Heroes‘ Sgt. Schultz) running a non-alcoholic brewery. But who can be satisfied making near beer? Enter Robert Loggia (The Sopranos) and his secret how to put the kick back in the lager. The ultimate thrill is seeing Leonard Nimoy as a hitman. “The Stryker Brothers” are a trio of bottom feeders that impress the mob with their skills. The youngest brother is Frank Sutton (Gomer Pyle‘s Sgt. Carter). “Element of Danger” has Lee Marvin cutting dope. Lee looks like a natural when facing off with Robert Stack. “The Case Against Eliot Ness” makes Sid Haig a hitman. “The Contract” puts a hit on Frank Sutton as he’s now Smiley Barris. “The Monkey Wrench” goes ape with Claude Akins (Battle for the Planet of the Apes) being nutty in Chi-Town. This boxset has 12 glorious black and white episodes on 3 DVDs.
Nash Bridges The Third Season firmly establishes Don Johnson as the title character and not merely an extension of his role on Miami Vice. He’s lost that brooding feeling. And how can one brood when their cruising around San Francisco with Cheech Marin? The contact high off smelling his shirt ought to put a buzzed smile on your face. “Lost and Found” introduces the Kelly Hu (Top Chef Masters) as Inspector Michelle Chan. She’s deep cover in a stolen car ring. Nash needs her help to locate stolen military weapons. Cheech’s car gets blown up real good in the opening. Willie Nelson pops up as a convict sprung from San Quentin to nab his old partner in “Payback.” The smoke cloud over the trailer when Cheech and Wille practiced their lines together must blocked the sun from touching the Golden Gate Bridge. There’s music replacement, but somehow the lack of songs makes me not confuse this with Vice.
7th Heaven: The Ninth Season gives us more antics from the minister’s family. Stephen Collins (Star Trek: The Motion Picture) can barely keep sane. He’s got kids moving back in with a baby on the way. Nothing like having a newborn in the house to keep things interesting with sleep deprived characters zombie walking into the kitchen. They’ve got new kids roaming the rooms. The twins are now in school so there’s grammar school grief. The big highlight is a singing, dancing musical episode for Valentine’s Day. There’s 2 more seasons to go. Twenty two episodes are spread over 5 DVDs in this boxset.
Gabriel Iglesias: I’m Not Fat…I’m Fluffy Live From El Paso lets the large comic explode with manic routines that revolve around food, his girlfriend and more food. Iglesias breaks down a new level of flat that’s above “fluffy” and “damn.” He reminds us that you shouldn’t let your girlfriend spend a night alone with a bottle of wine and Cheaters on TV. The guy does an amazing set of voices on stage to create characters. He’s like Jonathan Winters without losing focus. He becomes the snide women working the hotel’s front desk at night. He might have one of the best tales of hanging with Paul Rodriguez that involves tacos, strippers and border cops. The DVD gives the 68 minute show along with an 8 minute deleted bit about his high school reunion.
The Best of Star Trek: The Original Series: Volume 2 beams down another 4 episodes from the original show. “Where No Man Has Gone Before” is the second pilot done for the series. Gary Lockwood (2001) and Sally Kellerman (Back to School) become silver eyed gods and they’re bent on taking down Captain Kirk (William Shatner). “Space Seed” is essential viewing for anyone who has seen Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan since this is the birth of Khan (Ricardo Montalban). He and his crew are defrosted from suspended animation. Turns out they weren’t nice folks back in the day. Khan wants to take over the Enterprise. “A Piece of the Action” allowed the futuristic series to dip into the props from The Untouchables. Kirk and Spock beam down into a planet that has based it’s culture on Al Capone. “Journey to Babel” brings Spock’s dad on board for a diplomatic summit. The 4 episodes on this DVD are from the remastered transfers with CGI ships replacing the old model effects. This is a good gift for people who want to learn more about the show after seeing the re-imagining Star Trek.
The Best of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Volume 2 has 4 episodes from the Riker-Picard era. “Relics” is the most important of the batch since it brings back Scotty (James Doohan) from the original series. He’s stuck on a shipwreck. “The Inner Light” has an amnesiac Picard wake up to a wife on a new planet. What is the mystery behind this other life? “Cause and Effect” gives us a space-time anomaly. “Tapestry” has Picard bite it. His only hope lies in the power of Q to let him change time. Can he afford to alter things to save his own life? It’s a fine sample of the second series voyage of the Enterprise.
One Christmas is a holiday tradition in my house because my brother was an extra in it. The film is based on a Truman Capote story. The story has a young boy going from his home in Alabama to visit relatives in New Orleans for Christmas. This is a little bit of a shock for the boy. The film has the final performance from Katharine Hepburn. Although in our house, we gather around so that Matt can tell us the heartwarming tale about how he got his haircut at the same time as Henry Winkler. They sat in neighboring barber chairs. My brother got to swap idle chitcat with the Fonz. During the trimming, Fonzie got news that his show Monty had been picked up. He was so excited to get another sitcom. This would be an amazing Christmas story except Monty got canned after only 6 of the 13 episodes aired. At least the DVD is now going to be out so we don’t have to watch the VHS that mom accidentally taped at EP speed. In DVD, we can freeze frame my brother’s big background extra moment.
Predators is the Animal Planet series about what happens when people encounter animals that aren’t ready for the petting zoo. “After the Attack” has people discussing what it was like to be nearly turned into a snack. “Up Close and Dangerous” has wilderness filmmakers recount the most temperamental of TV stars. Christian Bale wasn’t nearly as nasty as the talent that turned on these cameramen. Killer Crocs of Costa Rica follows a croc through motherhood. It’s kinda like Knocked Up for a future luggage set.
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