Money Shot (Wikipedia): provocative, sensational, or memorable sequence in a film, on which the film’s commercial performance is perceived to depend.
Buck Shot: moments on which a film’s cheese-factor is based, often underlining the tone of the entire production and providing the viewer with the opposite effect intended.
Round 2: WET MUSCLES AND DOOKIE!!!
(Here’s Round 1)
No Holds Barred (1989) – HULK HOGAN PONDERS A FAMILIAR SCENT
Tag Lines:
- No Ring. No Ref. No Rules.
- The battle of the super tough guys.
Who would have thought that only 19 years after No Holds Barred that a celebrated filmmaker, Darren Aronofsky, would take the subject of wrestling and make an Oscar worthy piece of art along side one of the greatest comeback performances in the history of cinema? The end of 2008 has brought us a film, The Wrestler, which proves that no genre is too silly or maligned to not only be salvaged, but perfected to the point of beauty. However, in no way does this take any of the joy out of watching a genius piece of camp like No Holds Barred, easily Hulk Hogan’s greatest screen performance (right above Suburban Commando of course.)
NHB, as it’s called on the streets, is one of those glorious titles that is made up of almost 100% Buck Shots. This is due to several competing factors. Hogan’s plethora of skin tight, rainbow tinted, spandex outfits worn through out the film to Tiny Lister’s extremely heavy breathing every second he is in frame to the great Kurt Fuller playing an evil fight promoter that calls everyone a “JOCKASS,” this movie is brimming with endless moments of pure delight. All of this is complimented by the awesome 80’s fight scenes, the rouges gallery of silly contestants, the title of the film’s fight competition: THE BATTLE OF THE TOUGH GUYS (yeah, no joke) and the single greatest “poopy scene” of the entire decade. The plot is simple. Hulk Hogan, showing his acting range, plays the world wrestling champion named Rip. His catch phrase is, you guessed it: “RIP ‘EM!” He is challenged to a NO HOLDS BARRED fight by an ex-convict named Zeus, played to hardcore perfection by Tiny Lister (best known as Debo from Friday, or the President from The Fifth Element.) Rip initially refuses to fight him, but eventually gives in due to various factors and they have an all out brawl in which no holds, NONE, are barred.
Hindsight is 20/20, and it is easy to look back on movies like this and laugh, but I will admit that I unabashedly love this movie in all its zany, kick ass, and slightly homosexual tension. It might be because of the camp, it might be the nostalgia, but I love it. Sue me. I even own the VHS and One sheet. You need to have a firm grasp on crap to know the opposite of such, and there is a lot of crap that is truly great…No Holds Barred being that very crap. So as someone who knows every inch of this Rocky 3-rip-off-cheesy-wrestling masterpiece I can safely say that the following scene is the greatest moment of its run time. Here we have Hogan, LITERALLY, explode out the top of the top of the limo in which he is being held captive. The heavy guitar starts up, Hulk begins throwing bad guys left and right. He tosses two full grown men completely over the limo, then one into the windshield, then back-punches a guy through the passenger window, followed by stuffing another bad-dude into the roof hole. The violent rage is just too much for the driver, as he sits in fear of what the Hulkster will do next. Hogan pulls the driver out of the car…and…well…one of the greatest dialogue exchanges of all time then occurs between them. The actor playing the limo driver has the edge here for most “buck-shoty,” but Hulk’s use of breathing and overblown eye movements keep him right up there as well. It’s one of those “How did this make the cut and what were they thinking?” moments. Watch:
R.O.T.O.R. (1989) – R.O.T.O.R. vs. BOB’S COUNTRY BUNKER
Tag Line:
- Judge, Jury, and Executioner.
R.O.T.O.R. or, more specifically, the Robotic Officer of the Tactical Operations Research unit is probably the best example of the sheer glut of uninspired low budget dreck that was churned out during the VHS boom all those centuries ago. No part of this movie is even remotely original. The poster, as admittedly awesome as it is, is completely stolen from Mad Max. The plot is completely ripped from Terminator, sans the time travel. The only reason one can’t rag on it for stealing Judge Dredd‘s tagline is that it was released prior. Also, the title is excessively annoying to type due to the damn periods.
I was lucky enough to stumble onto the destruction path of R.O.T.O.R. through the miracle of Cinemax circa 2000. My friend, I shall refer to him as Pie, caught it around the same time and both of us marveled at how downright awful it was. Luckily the video store I was managing had a VHS copy so I could spread the joy among the unenlightened. It’s mostly (mostly…not totally) boring, incompetent and completely devoid of coherence. As Pie pointed out, the entire film seems to be completely over dubbed with separate audio, and upon further viewings it became exceedingly obvious that the editors chucked out some underlying story lines which culminated in the main character getting shot in the back while walking to his car AFTER the R.O.T.O.R. was dead and gone. I’ve watched the movie all the way through about three times and still don’t understand why exactly that happens, but it makes it all the funnier.
The plot is a tale as old as time. A “special unit” laboratory creates a police robot to fight crime, something goes wrong, robot malfunctions, robot drives away on it’s motorcycle and begins murdering innocents that don’t realize he is, in fact, a robot. If only all Sci-fi characters would heed the words of Jeff Goldblum: “your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” However they don’t heed those words and this is what happens…a robot with a mustache punches them in the face.
As boring and uneventful as the film is, there are at least 3 solid Buck Shots to be found in it, so expect for this title to pop up again in a future entry. The scene I have chosen is easily my favorite of the whole movie, when R.O.T.O.R. attacks the diner. The obvious cheapness displayed in this clip gives you a feel of the whole production. Things to pay attention to are the constantly looping synthetic music, the shiny bald eagle sticker on R.O.T.O.R.’s helmet and the cook’s painfully fake front teeth and country accent, perhaps the only sign that the movie was laughing at it self (or was it?) The best moment is of course when the super strong R.O.T.O.R. tries to attack a waitress, but is hindered by the featherweight tables. As she runs away, three “good ole boys” mosey on in, each of them prepared to take down the evil cop in their own fashion. The first guy is the ignorant redneck brawler, who sexually harasses the waitress as she panics in fear, then immediately tries slugging the Robot whom he addresses as a “Faggot city cop.” The second guy, surprisingly, knows karate…which of course is no match for the likes of the R.O.T.O.R. Then of course, the third dude steps up to the plate. He stands around 6 feet tall with a hair helmet and a 3 inch thick mustache. He proudly questions the R.O.T.O.R. “How about a real man now, asshole?” He then proceeds (I’m giggling as I type this) to rip off his pre-torn shirt, give a huge bicep flex display, then grabs the R.O.T.O.R. in the most sexually tensioned “are they going to make out?” manner possible. It’s quite the sight. Also, all of this is done in one master shot, only cutting away once…very artistic, almost documentary style (I will admit that the slow move-in shot on the Robot in the doorway is pretty bad ass, I’ll give them that.) I think that the slo-mo at the end of the clip works wonders here:
That’s all for round 2…Thanks for reading!
Comments: 2 Comments
2 Responses to “Opinion In A Haystack: Buck Shots – Round 2”Leave a Reply |
January 6th, 2009 at 4:57 am
No Holds Barred is a great movie. I remember watching it over and over again.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
R.O.T.O.R. would kick Robocops ass any day.