BURBANK – NBC ought to just change their slogan to “We’re Chattin’ Fools!”
The announcement of Jay Leno taking over the Monday through Friday 10 p.m. slot for his Tonight Show wasn’t unexpected. Jeff Zucker (star of Fat Actress) has been letting the network focus more on its high rated morning and late night line ups. Primetime was getting in the way. Did anyone really thing reviving The Bionic Woman and Knight Rider was going to make the Peacock proud? Think of Jay Leno as the Channel’s Chunnel to get beneath the low performing comedies, dramas and gameshows.
This means NBC will now have three and a half hours of nightly talkshows to promote their 2 hours of primetime. Not to mention the 4 hours of the Today Show that’s news lite with a heavy focus on star interviews. That’s 7 1/2 hours of infotainment coming to you fresh daily from NBC.
How long can a broadcast network sustain itself with 7 1/2 hours of people sitting behind desks each day? How many A List stars will grind through Matt, Meredith, Al, Jay, Conan, Jimmy Fallon and Carson Daly? They’re going to be running out of “exclusives” come March. They don’t have enough Saturday Night Live cast members to roam across the hallway for Late Night.
Maybe they’ll just get the CNN holographer to beams stars between all the studios? But with five less hours of prime time talent to promote, NBC won’t have much need for exclusive action. Plus NBC-Universal is cutting back on their movie output so those stars won’t be crawling all over the green room.
When Andy Warhol predicted in the future we’d all be famous for 15 minutes, he nailed a Nostradamus vision. In the coming decade, we’ll all get 15 minutes as a guest on NBC talkshows. This might be good news for Odd-listers. The web people might finally get a chance to sneak on the sofas. Jay will need more strange superstars to kill that hour. Although the fear is that NBC will go cheap and just have handpuppets fill in the booking gaps.
QUICKIE GIFTS
If you need to grab a couple gifts this holiday season, there’s quite a few continuing series worth wrapping up. The Complete Peanuts 1967-1970 Box Set brings Snoopy into his superstar turf. He’s joined by his little pal Woodstock. Also the first real black character arrives with Franklin. Looney Tunes: Golden Collection, Vol. 6 has several wartime cartoons. Bugs and Daffy fight back the Germans and the Japanese. Ever notice how today’s cartoon characters are such utter cowards. Why hasn’t Spongebob Squarepants gone after Bin Laden? Can’t Dora the Explorer funnel information to the CIA? Walt Disney Treasures only has three titles in the tins this year. The Chronological Donald, Vol 4 1951-1961 wraps up all the theatrical shorts starring Donald Duck. They even toss in “Donald in Mathmagic Land.” The Mickey Mouse Club Presents Annette has all the segments from our favorite Beach Party star’s series. Dr. Syn: The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh is the hot title of the year. You can’t buy this new online. If you see it at your local store grab it. It’s already going for $80. Patrick McGoohan (The Prisoner) is a priest who uses a disguise to smuggle booze into England. Finally there’s Saturday Night Live: The Fourth Season. This is the last time for John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd.
HOLIDAY GUEST STAR!!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s our special Christmas moment with Charo!
Make sure you watch it in “high quality” mode. Charo’s rump shaking is stunning. In case you’re curious, Charo and Tony Sacca were shooting the finale of his Las Vegas PBS special.
STARS?
The cast of the Celebrity Apprentice have been announced. Remember when Donald Trump announced that he’d be getting Oscar winners, sports superstars, titans of industry and Nobel prize winners to play his game? Guess who qualifies as Award winners, business bigwigs and media superstars to the Donald this time around:
Andrew Dice Clay – Is he going to spend half the show talking about how he’s going to sell out Giants Stadium? He’s on NBC so he can’t unload his classic nursery rhymes.
Tom Green – Glad to see he was able to take time away from preproduction of Freddie Got Fingered 2. The kids on The Hills don’t remember when he was an MTV Superstar. Expect to see him work the “I’m Canadian and don’t quite understand your culture” angle.
Clint Black – is this year’s Trace Adkins. Wasn’t his last reality series the one that had Sulu sing country and was canceled after 1 episode? Isn’t it bad luck to have a celeb from a reality disaster on board? Or maybe it’s good luck for us.
Annie Duke – will bring her Poker wits to the boardroom. She will be responsible for all the “gambler” instinct references.
Claudia Jordan – is a Deal or No Deal model. Claudia makes Vanna White look overworked. You open 1 suitcase an hour and that makes you a superstar? The Samsonite Gorilla must have been booked for a cruise.
Brian McKnight – must have to plug an album. At least he can put an end to the misconception that he was a member of New Kids on the Block.
Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins of TLC – count her tributes to Left Eye Lopez.
Herschel Walker – will show off his Heisman skills. Perhaps Donald will talk about the cash he paid Walker to run for his USFL New Jersey Generals? Whatever they do, don’t let Herschel listen to music while he parks the car in the garage.
Natalie Gulbis – is the new LPGA Golfing hottie. She hasn’t won an LPGA tournament. Her twist on the LPGA tour is that she’s not from Asia and she’s not name dropped on The L Word. Now that’s a rarity on the tour.
“One-time skating champ Scott Hamilton” – must be nice that they had to single out his singular achievement. The guy won the gold medal in 1984 along with 4 consecutive US and World titles. What must Donald Trump’s people belittle Hamilton? What would Brian Boitano do, Scott?
Khloe Kardashian – a celebrity for re-enacting her drunk driving bust for Ryan Seacrest’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians series. This woman barely works at her family’s clothing store and leeches off her sex tape making sister’s barely existent fame. Lenny who hangs out at the Today Show is a bigger star than this woman. America cares about Lenny if they don’t see him outside the studio. Why couldn’t the Donald get Lenny to appear on the show? Guess Trump doesn’t have real pull with real famous people.
Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa Rivers – Are they going to tagteam it? Is this a step up from the TV Guide Channel? Shouldn’t there be a rule that contestants have to be carbon based?
Actress Brande Roderick… acted like she really liked having sex with Hef. She’s practically a lost Tweed sister.
Dennis Rodman – Does this man need anymore attention? Doesn’t he have a court hearing this week? Maybe he’ll bump uglies with Joan by the end of the show.
Is this really an A List line up for a major network show? Trump makes NBC look lower on the food chain than Fox Reality. Any random episode of Match Game ’76 has more star power than this cast. Why do these people play for charity? A majority of them are charity cases.
Why doesn’t he book his Palm Beach pals that were scammed for billions by Bernard Madoff. Wouldn’t America enjoy watching broke bluebloods eating pig vaginas for enough cash to pay for their poodle’s spa day? Screw it. I’m pitching this show: Eat the Rich. Each week Wall Street Busts have to compete with unemployed factory workers for a week at a fancy hotel. Bluebloods vs. Blue Collars can work as a title, too. If Donald Trump keeps playing with his mortgage payments, he might be available for the pilot.
MISSING MISS PAGE
It was amusing to watch the main stream media obituaries for Bettie Page. They presented her as this sweet pin up model from the 1950s. But there were tons of those gals working the cheesecake circuit. What Bettie did was look incredibly hot with bangs and a ballgag. Even half a century later, her fetish influence still dominates the curiously kinky. Who didn’t want to come home and find a blindfolded Bettie tied down to the ottoman?
MANNIX MANIA
CBS DVD is swell enough to let me sponsor a giveaway of 5 copies of Mannix: The Second Season. This classic TV detective series is one of my favorites with Mike Connors playing the good living private investigator. There’s a review in this column’s DVD Shelf section.
In order to win one of the Mannix: The Second Season boxsets, you’ll have to answer a question based on the Party Favors interview with Mannix’s Mike Connors. Name the Oscar winning director and Hall of Fame basketball coach that pushed him towards acting as a career? It’s two different people in case you are wondering. Coach K has not won the Academy Award. Send the answer along with your name and address to mokaha@aol.com by Jan. 9. Employees of the Party Favors, Mike Connors and Tim Robbins are not allowed to win. Although if Mike Connors wants a copy of Mannix: The Second Season, I’ll buy him one.
ENOUGH MULTI-MERICANS!
The United States of Tara would be really original if it didn’t look like the offspring of Tracey Ullman’s State of the Union” and “Little Britain USA. Is it necessary to have another show featuring a Commonwealther playing multiple Americans? Next year we’ll have the graduating class of RADA perform as every citizen of Atlanta on Starz. As revenge we need to have Tom Arnold play every member of the English Royal Family. He does a great impersonation of the Queen breaking a fart next to Lady Di’s ghost.
AH THAT SMELL
Did you know that Sean Combs’ “I Am King” cologne makes a great vinaigrette dressing? It knows how to sex up arugula. The sweet smell of Combs lets the ladies know that you’re a douchebag who will talk over any song on the radio. The scent reminds her that before the end of the hour, she will be eliminated.
Party Monsters Cabo has me asking that sad question: Can’t the Mexican police please stop letting these people back into America? Why can’t border security shutdown the human-dopes trade?
TO BE THE MAN
Suspended NHLer Sean Avery needs to enter his true profession: Pro Wrestling. Avery can easily be the new Ric Flair when it comes to walking the walk and talking the talk. He’s got the fashion sense and the desire to get the crowd to boo. He’s got the ability to cause a feud with a pack of Wrigley gum. He ought to just start off as a manager so he can hit the ground running. Sure he’s got the “sloppy seconds” stigma, but when has that mattered to Vince McMahon? Avery working against John Cena could be the boost the WWE needs for Wrestlemania.
PHELPS OVERLOAD
Is Michael Phelps on every channel? I can’t flip around without seeing his mug. He’s at the Sunday night football game. He’s on every talkshow. He’s at the Celtics game. He’s counting ballots in Minnesota. He’s perp walking a governor. He’s swearing in Obama. He’s putting Jared out of work. Who died and made Phelps the new Rachael Ray? He’s almost on TV as much as reruns of Scrubs.
SUCK ON THIS
Nice to see Chris Weitz (American Pie) taking over Twilight. Wonder if we’ll have a young vampire digging his fangs into a cherry pie? Or perhaps a vampire thinking he’s getting a pint of O negative only to discover it’s got a protein kicker? And does this mean the vampires will battle Polar Bears? True Blood Vs. True North coming this winter!
BLU-RAY HEAVEN
The Duchess Blu-ray lets Keira Knightley and her wardrobe sparkle in 1080p. Keira’s the title’s Duchess. She’s stuck in a figurehead position since her Duke husband (Ralph Fiennes) is banging his mistress. She decides that she needs a little action to keep herself busy. Unfortunately while society turns a blind eye towards the husband getting nookie on the side, this is a no-no for the wives. Keira has to fight the repressive nature of British royalty so she can have an orgasm. This is a classy and carnal movie. The bonus features give the historical details of the Duchess including an interview with the writer of her biography.
Eagle Eye Blu-ray continues Shia LaBeouf’s rise to America’s hottest new action star. This time he gets thrown into a high-tech version of North By Northwest. A mysterious cellphone caller keeps giving him strange orders. He can’t disobey or he’ll get screwed big time as trouble goes out of control. They keep throwing stuff at Shia. Michelle Monaghan also gets the same troublesome phone calls. They join up in their pursuit of trying to figure out who is screwing with their lives and controlling the universe. This is Hitchcock after a case of Red Bull. All the bonus features are in HD including a gag reel. The “Is My Cellphone Watching Me” featurette puts the high tech heebies into you.
Ghost Town Blu-ray reminds us that Manhattan is extremely crowded when you count the dearly departed. Ricky Gervais (Extras) is a dentist who suffers a near death experience. He comes back from the light with the ability to see Greg Kinnear’s earthbound spirit. Greg needs Ricky to bust up the romance between his widow (Tea Leoni) and Bill Campbell. It’s kind of like Ghost except with a lot less violence. Ricky does capture the comedic nature of being in a romance. You can almost believe he can bag Tea. The hi-def allows the Kinnear to vanish better than when he made Dear God. The bonus features include Gervais on the commentary track and specials on the spectral effects.
Dexter: The Complete First Season – Blu-ray brings the magic everyone’s favorite serial killer to its Showtime HD roots. Michael C. Hall (Six Feet Under) is the blood splatter specialist for the Miami Police. But he’s got a major secret. At night he hunts down the guilty and slices them up in order to feed his homicidal urges properly. The first season focuses on his pursuit of another serial killer that’s slicing up hookers around town. He can’t stand competition. He learns plenty about himself while looking for a killer that drains all the blood from his victims. The Hi-Def picture still doesn’t reveal the fact that locations around Southern California substitute for Miami. Most of the bonus features are BD-Live connected including getting to see how a real murder investigation goes down.
THE DVD SHELF
Duckman: Seasons Three & Four wraps up the greatest animated series about a dirty talking waterfowl private investigator. Jason Alexander voiced Duckman. He was a more disturbing in his attitude and opinions than Peter Griffin on Family Guy. “Sperms of Endearment” has his sister-in-law discover the horrifying truth that she paid a pregnancy clinic to unload a turkeybaster of Duckman’s Babybatter inside her. It’s even more disgusting than my description. “Apocalypse Not” has the entire town go inside a bunker while Duckman destroys everything like Godzilla with a webbed feet. The final 48 shameless episodes are on 7 DVDs. This is just pure duck bliss. It’s a joy to have all 4 seasons of Duckman on the shelf.
The Tudors: The Complete Second Season keeps up the royal goodness that was Henry VIII’s early marriages. The historical drama picks up as Henry VIII (B. Monkey‘s Jonathan Rhys Meyers) pleads to have his divorce and marriage to Anne Boleyn (Natalie Dormer) recognized by the Catholic Church. The Pope (Peter O’Toole) won’t hear it. The marriage hits rocky ground when Anne doesn’t quite seal the deal by producing a male heir. Many of you will learn what happened to her since you obviously fell asleep during British History 204. This is better than your normal history lecture since Meyers and Dormer demonstrate where royal heirs come from. This is on my list of best TV shows of 2008.
Mannix: The Second Season brings the detective to the format that made him a hit for 7 seasons. Instead of being a top investigator for a computerized private firm, Mannix (Mike Connors) is now an independent operator. His only employee is Peggy Fair (Gail Fisher). Mannix rules because he enjoyed Scotch, steak, women and fist fight with equal passion. And now that he can pick his caseload, he’s even more involved with clients. “The Silent Cry” has a deaf woman lip read a kidnapper making a call from a payphone. It’s up to Mannix to find the victim and identify the kidnapper before the deaf woman vanishes too. “In Need of a Friend” uncages John Colicos (Battlestar Galactica‘s Baltar) after being falsely accused of embezzling a million dollars. He wants to find out who set him up and how did Mannix bust him on bogus evidence. Mannix feels bad about this and wants to make it right. Cloris Leachman (Dancing with the Stars) is the ex-con’s ex-wife. Timothy Carey (Paths of Glory) pops up in “The Odds Against Donald Jordan.” The 25 cases on Mannix: The Second Season bring us the broadcast badass.
American Teen is a documentary that follows a group of seniors at an Indiana High School. It kinda wants to update of what The Breakfast Club kids would be doing in the 21st Century. We get a sense of the social groups that lurk in the cornbelt. The film is most disturbing when you watch kids doing stuff that nobody would want shown in a public light. Do you really want America to see you spray painting offensive language on a house? They also have a guy circulating a nude photo of his ex-girlfriend through the internet. Does he really want her dad knowing that he did it? You might consider sending your kids to a Swiss boarding school after watching American Teen. The DVD is only available at Target.
MY CHRISTMAS WISH
That I write something so profound that Megan Fox has it tattooed on her ass.
Comments: 2 Comments
2 Responses to “Party Favors: Coochie! Coochie!”Leave a Reply |
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:16 am
Is Tom Green really making Freddy Got Fingered 2?? The first one is classic! Hahaha
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:40 am
Instead of being a top investigator for a computerized private firm, Mannix (Mike Connors) is now an independent operator. His only employee is Peggy Fair (Gail Fisher). Mannix rules because he enjoyed Scotch, steak, women and fist fight with equal passion.