VIRGINIA CITY – Not every woman working at the Bunny Ranch is an HBO star. You’ll recognize Bunny Love, Air Force Amy and Audrey in the line up, but there’s plenty of fresh faces ready to introduce themselves. These are women who don’t want to bask in the limelight or even have their pics posted on brothel’s website.
Why be anonymous at the high profile Bunny Ranch? One woman grew up in the area. She always makes sure the local guests don’t recognize her. She has no dream of being a spokesmodel for “Take an Uncle to Work Day.” She won’t arrive at the line up until she checks the security monitor. One night a pack of old high school classmates decided they were going to party in the parlor. She spent the night in her room with a good book. Quite a few women commute from around the country. They appreciate the chance to earn more cash than pulling extra shifts at Hooters. The folks back home think they’re earning quick bucks cocktail waitressing at Reno casinos.
Hollywood always likes to push the prostitute character as either dim or a streetwise cookie. A majority of the Bunnies we spent time with were well educated. Many of them had not even worked as strippers. They’re smart enough to know there’s little point in shaking your breasts in a guy’s face while hanging on a pole for a dollar.
People will always ponder what drives a smart woman into prostitution. After quite a few informal chats, I deduced one common thread: Student loans. Many of the women had graduated from very influential schools. They were stuck owing over $100,000 plus for a liberal arts degree that sounded great, but could barely land a gig at Barnes and Noble. One had a degree in social work that after a five year career, left her living under the poverty line. They needed an economic boost that waitressing doesn’t offer. A person can only handle so many extra jobs before they question the point of living if your waking hours are spent punching the clock and getting deeper in debt.
Currently Dennis Hof has Natalie Dylan offering up her virginity to pay for her grad school. Alana Love is 7 months pregnant and eager to take on clients to wipe the slate on her pharmaceutical school loan and afford to be a stay at home mom. Ivy League schools ought to offer Prostitution as a minor for the non-trust fund kids. There was a recent high school graduate who had chosen working at the Bunny Ranch as her career goal when she was 14 after seeing the first HBO America Undercover special. She’s saving up for school.
Our hostess for Saturday evening was Danielle Luciano. She had returned to the Ranch after taking a few years off. During her first tenure, she was a low profile Bunny. Nobody in her family knew that she did this for a living. When she decided to get back in the business, she came out to her close family members. She wanted to be able to put her photos up on the website and help with publicity events without worrying about a nosey aunt finking her out to dad. Turns out that it wasn’t a traumatic revelation. The family knew about HBO series and didn’t have any problems with her working at that brothel.
Danielle was very open when it came to talking about her profession. While there is a gym at the Bunny Ranch compound, her most important exercise routine is Kegels. A Bunny has to be tight and rocking all over. Since my wife had come along on the trip to act as producer and Bunny wrangler (although mostly she wrangled me), the subject of threesomes was inevitable. Many of the Bunnies are gay for pay. If your wife is ready for her first threesome, you don’t want a woman who isn’t fully enthusiastic about the fun. You can’t afford the afterglow to be ruined by your wife declaring, “That was more for you than me.” You want her blissed out and drooling from all the attention. You want this to be a do-over moment. While you might have your dreamy third partner picked out, let your wife do the choosing. Odds are she’ll find the Bunny who will know how to equally divide her attention. Using our journalistic skills, we were able to observe that Danielle’s tip really worked. She’s very knowledgeable when it comes to couples play.
During breakfast, we hung out with Max. She’s best known for playing naked chess on Cathouse. She believes that a majority of men want princesses when they ring the buzzer. They want to spend time with the woman that’d be unapproachable in a normal social setting. Max doesn’t think a woman should smoke a cigarette or drink out of a beer bottle while lounging near the bar. What’s the point of coming to the Bunny Ranch to hit on a woman they could find in any Nevada honky tonk? She told us about a guy who was a major fan of Cathouse and wanted to hook up with one of the leading ladies. Upon arrival, he saw her by the bar sucking down a longneck and puffing away on a Virginia Slim. The image turned him off. He didn’t even approach his intended Bunny. Instead he found a lady in the parlor that impressed him and spent $5,000 for a night long party. Further proof that smoking is bad.
While Max thinks that a Bunny can elevate her career by doing adult material, the Bunny has to be careful of the genre. Do the wrong film and she’s no longer considered a high dollar date. What hedgefund manager wants to spend $10,000 to hook up with a woman who stars in hobo gangbang videos? Guys don’t like to think about who’s been with her before them. Even less men want to know that they’re getting Boxcar Willie Jr’s sloppy fifty-thirds. I came to trust Max’s opinions since she only works by appointment.
We come to the final two video segments of The Party Favors interview with Dennis Hof. Ron Howard has dropped out of the bidding war for Hof/Corey. All we have left is Roger Corman and a VHS-only operation out of Brussels. Corman promises I can play myself if I’m flame resistant. Otherwise he’s calling Clint Howard.
Our talk picks up with the cliffhanger of how Dennis went to an extreme to legally smoke pot. The topic changes to how he feels when he sees pimps and madames being busted outside of Nevada. Learn about Dennis’s relationship with Heidi Fleiss. Dennis discusses the new episodes of Cathouse on HBO (best found at the HBO OnDemand channel). He plugs the boxset containing the first two seasons and the musical of the show. He explains the educational value of the series. We dip into the new trends in what clients want to enjoy during their visits. Plus legendary boxer Butterbean is coming to the Bunny Ranch, but not the same way as porn stars Sunny Lane and Anna Mills.
Seeing how Ron Jeremy is rumored to be Jewish, the Golden Nugget Casino won’t accept wagers on his chances to beat Butterball for the last pork chop.
The final segment features exterior shots as we show off the area around the Ranch and the changes to the Brothel. There’s a Pony Express stop on the property. As a warning: Moonlight Benny’s is a real body shop and not a brothel. None of the selections the receptionist offers are euphemisms. The full service does involve paint and a hammer. Dennis discusses how the gift shop helps lure the curious into being full service guests. You can even buy his special hot sauce at any hour.
After the interview with Dennis wrapped up, Brooke Taylor arrived. She’d been in New York City to appear on a variety of shows including Tyra. Brooke has had a strange career path. Her life at that Ranch had been fully documented by HBO. America got to see her first day on the job. We were there when she popped her professional cherry. Because of her performance on Cathouse: The Musical, Brooke has performed at the Filmore West and the House of Blues. She became the centerfold in Hustler at the same time Marie Claire did a profile piece on her. She’s a very busy woman who still has time to lay back and enjoy her day job.
The sad fate of Isabella Soprano weighed heavily on my questions. I wanted to know what kept Brooke Taylor stable. She invited us into her bedroom and we turned on the camera.
Brooke explains things that a woman needs to know before she considers a life at the Ranch. Remember to practice negotiations before you arrive in Carson City. I end up asking Brooke how strange it is that she went to college to study music, but received her big break while working in a brothel. This is a path that your college career counselor never discuss.
Thus we come to the end of the Party Favors visit to the Bunny Ranch. We’d like to thank Dennis Hof, Madame Suzette, Brooke Taylor, Max, the charming staff and the extremely rocking Danielle Luciano for their hospitality.
WIN SOME SWING
CBS DVD has been nice enough to let 5 of my faithful readers win copies of Swingtown: The First Season. The DVD will be released on Dec. 9. Normally I’d have you email in your name and address and five randomly chosen folks would win. But since Swingtown has been a favorite of this column, we’re having a quiz. In addition to sending in your name and address, you must answer these three questions about the show:
What star of Swingtown filmed a scene for a movie I produced?
According to the Party Favors, what series now features Grant Show’s pornstache?
What did Dennis Hof and I say about Swingtown during the Hof/Corey interview?
If you have these answers, drop me an email at mokaha@aol.com by Dec. 14. You must be 18 and allow 4-6 weeks to get your prize. My parents, co-workers, Anson Williams and Grant Show’s pornstache are not allowed to enter. Enclosing Polaroids that your parents sent to swingers magazines in 1976 won’t help you win, but they will be appreciated by our judges. Thanks once more to CBS for making a few of my readers be winners this holiday season.
In case you’re curious about the show, there’s a proper review in The DVD Shelf section.
DINING TIP
If you’re in Carson City, drop by Ti Amo in the Casino Fandango. The Seafood Lasagna still makes me drool. There’s plenty of shrimp, lobster, crab and scallops between the layers of noodles. It reheats nicely for when you need extra fuel for playing the Happy Days penny slots. Did I mention that Anson Williams cost me $2.38? Damn that Potsie.
VEGAS EATS
When you plan on visiting Las Vegas, skip the Strip and head to Fremont Street. There’s a friendly vibe downtown. My favorite place to snack on the street was Mermaid’s Casino. The slot palace offers up 99 cent Nathan’s hotdogs, deep fried Twinkies and deep fried Oreos. What makes the little grill in the back extra special is the staff is just bouncing around to the music on the PA system. The folks seemed like they were being pumped full of oxygen. They gave off enough energy to revive me from my Potsie downfall. I couldn’t help but smile and bounce around while waiting for my chocolate covered frozen banana. The Mermaid’s Casino is truly old school since they have change cups unlike that cheapskate Steve Wynn’s new casino: Redundant.
LEARN FROM MY PAIN
A little tip for business and tech people: When a person on the internet advertises that they’re proficient in CBT, this normally doesn’t mean Computer Based Training. Do not invite them to your office for a presentation.
JOE THE ZILCHER
John McCain screwed up and it cost me my ambassadorship to Hawaii. The position is still on the books at the State Department. You think the feds ever eliminate a gig? There’s still a Department of Buggywhip Inspection. My destiny of being Ambassador to the land of Don Ho was screwed by Joe the Plumber. When John McCain needed a Joe to prop up his campaign, he refused to call me. I’m a real Joe. As we know by now, Joe the Plumber is really a guy named Sam. Those of us named Joe take the business of being a Joe seriously. If your first name isn’t Joe, you’re not a Joe. It’s that simple. Jesus didn’t go by his middle name (which I think was Joe). John McCain ticked off the International Brotherhood of Joes and cost me my chance to operate out of Jack Lord’s old palace office. Let this be a lesson to all those in America that when you need a Joe, you come to a Joe and not a dofus named Sam.
MSNBC needs to fix their Joe crisis. When Joe Scarbough goes on vacation, they need a guest host named Joe to host Morning Joe. Mika Brzezinski and Willie Geist aren’t Joes. Neither is that Mike Barnicle guy. I’m not even sure if he’s really a Mike since he comes off as a Gary. MSNBC needs to understand that when you advertise a Joe, you better have a backup Joe ready to go. It can’t be that hard of a job unless you have to wax Pat Buchanan’s back during the commercial breaks.
THE DVD SHELF
A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! is as great as advertised. This is the greatest Christmas special since Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special. The premise is simple: a ruthless bear has trapped Colbert in his cabin. He can’t get to New York to host his Christmas special with Elvis Costello. The holiday festivities come to him with truly an all-star cast without any faux-stars with E! reality shows. Toby Keith has confused me. The guy was a big turn off with his Karl Rove approved anthems. But on this special, Keith gives a hilarious song about what he’ll do to defend Christmas. John Legend performs the sexiest song about nutmeg. Jon Stewart brings a little Old Testament holiday wishes. Willie Nelson’s fourth wiseman song will never be sung at a Catholic Church’s midnight mass. Feist is angelic on all levels. You’ll probably wonder why you need the DVD when this special is being repeated on Comedy Central right now. The DVD has bonus features. You get a video Yule Log that gets an extra flame boost from books. There’s even a Colbert Advent calendar that’s better than the one your Aunt Eunice gave you. Plus be thrilled by the alternate endings. Your Christmas isn’t complete unless you give all your friends A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!
Swingtown: The First Season gives a strange bit of hope that last summer’s series might be back for a second round of hanky-panky. Molly Parker and Lana Parrilla put the Bi into Bicentennial with this short season that centered around the 4th of July in 1976. The 13 episodes explore what happens when a normal married couple move to wild side of Chicago. Parker (Deadwood) and Jack Davenport (Pirates of the Caribbean) discover their neighbors are swingers. Parrilla is an ex-stewardess who knows how to tighten more than a seatbelt. Pilot Grant Show (Melrose Place) plays second banana to an amazing pornstache. The couples boogie down, but guilt grabs Parker and Davenport. They’re not sure if they’re cut out to cut loose. There’s also the issue of their daughter hooking up with her summer school teacher. Oddly enough that while the action takes place 32 years ago, the morality brigade went nuts over CBS running the series. But there’s nothing on this show that isn’t part of an afternoon soap opera. The DVD has a few bonus features including a blooper reel. They didn’t include the ’60s record deal commercial hosted by Peter Fonda. If the DVD does well and the show grabs a couple end of the year awards, Swingtown might be back next summer. This might be the perfect Christmas gift for the neighbors you want to covet in a group plan.
Man On Wire is a bold, death-defying examination of Phillipe Petit’s illegal wire walk between the World Trade Center’s Twin Towers in 1974. The film mixes recreation footage with the actual coverage of the historic day. They show Petit’s previous walks between Notre Dame Cathedral and the Sydney Harbor Bridge. He’s like an outlaw version of the Flying Wallendas. The execution of securing the wire between the buildings is more exciting than any scheme in the lame Ocean’s Eleven films. While the documentary should be the celebration of a daredevil’s spirit, there is sadness. How can a viewer not get misty eyed seeing the Towers still erect? Michael Nyman’s music from The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover plays during a section showing the Towers being constructed. And it hits how temporary this massive structure became. You need to watch this film twice – once for the Towers and another for Petit. Man On Wire is compelling cinema that pulls us into Petit’s passion to accomplish this outrageous feat. Man on Wire and The Dark Knight are the films that mark 2008.
Happy Days: The Fourth Season brought the word Mallachi Crunch to sports. “Fonzie Loves Pinky” was an epic three parter. Howard’s lodge is hosting a demolition derby. Part of the entertainment is female motorcycle daredevil Pinky Tuscadero. While the Fonz is favored to win the derby, he has to worry about the Mallachi brothers. They’re notorious for a move where they smash a car on both sides at once. During the episode Fonz falls hard for Pinky. But before he can marry her, they have to survive the Derby. As a kid, these episodes were more terrifying than when Fonzie jumped the garbage cans in season three. Pat Morita returns for “The Graduation.” During the end of school dance, Anson Williams jumps on stage and unloads a not even close to the 1950s ballad. How come you can’t find any Anson Williams records outside of a 45 on ebay and the show’s theme? Why aren’t there bootlegs of Anson Williams live at the Whiskey A-Go-Go? “Fonzie’s Baptism” brings the Fonz to Jesus. Wasn’t this a Family Guy episode? Happy Days: The Fourth Season was the final year before it “jumped the shark.”
Petticoat Junction: The Official First Season is the link between The Beverly Hillbillies and Green Acres. The action takes place at the Shady Rest Hotel that’s on the rail line near Hootersville. The place is run by Bea Benaderet (Jethro’s mother) and her three really hot daughters. They’re all a handful for the quiet community. The first few episodes have the immortal Charles Lane swearing to shut down the steam locomotive. Bea does her best to have him forget about it. Many of the Green Acres characters are also on this show including Sam Drucker (Frank Cady) running the general store. Adam West (Batman) plays the doctor on “My Daughter the Doctor” and “Hootersville VS Hollywood.” It’s amazing that this show ran for seven seasons, but never received the rerun action of its sister shows. The DVD includes the old commercials starring the cast. This first season has 38 episodes Southern hospitality.
Beverly Hills 90210: The Sixth Season is a must see for old timers who feel pangs of nostalgia when they catch promos for 90210 on the CW. The action on this boxset took place for 1995-96. The shocker of the season is Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth) becomes a junky. She was the original Amy Winehouse. Who could imagine sweet little Kelly snorting up blow like an English supermodel? Donna (Tori Spelling) has to break with an abusive boyfriend. Dylan (Luke Perry) is ready to wed. Does this mean he’ll leave the show? I’m not giving it away. For many, this was the clutch season of heartbreak and triumph. For Steve (Ian Ziering), this was the year he joined AARP.
Cannon: Season One, Volume Two brings Leif Garrett back to the column. “Death Is a Double Cross” has Cannon riding the train to protect a millionaire’s wife and two children. Leif and Dawn Lyn are the kids. Lyn is best remembered as Dodie, the adopted daughter on My Three Sons. Turns out she’s also Leif’s sister. “”Treasure of San Ignacio” puts Cannon on the trail of thieves who rob a church’s artifacts. “To Kill a Guinea Pig” brings us the always creepy Geoffrey Lewis (who is not Robert Pine) to horrify Vera Miles (Psycho). She’s running a drug study at a prison. Lewis’ boss wants a certain inmate to be part of the program. Only Cannon can help her from this evil web. Even with his huge gut, William Conrad is still physical in scenes. He moves pretty well for a hefty guy. He’s got 13 clients on this boxset that need his expert detective help.
Jake and the Fatman: Season One, Volume Two means you’re getting a double dose of William Conrad fighting crime. This time he has help with Jake (Joe Penny) doing the heavy lifting. The big highlight of the second half of the first season is watching David Soul choking the life out of his wife on “How Long Has This Been Going On?” How can the star of Starsky and Hutch be so vicious? He’s a Yacht Rock superstar. Of course discovering your wife is banging a priest might get a man upset. He frames the priest, but Jake doesn’t buy it since he’s pals with the padre. Speaking of hall of fame creepy character actors, Joseph Ruskin is a mobster in “After You’ve Gone.” Did you know he’s the only actor to have appeared on every Star Trek live action TV show? “Lady Be Good” also has a Trekkie connection with Nana Visitor (DS9) killing a rich guy while he was staging his own death. Even though Conrad is slow to move and looks like he sleeps in his office, he knows how to solve a case. He didn’t get to be Los Angeles District Attorney by looking good on posters.
Perry Mason: Season 3, Volume 2 allows us to once more see America’s greatest TV lawyer in action. Raymond Burr accepts 14 more clients in this boxset. “The Case of the Slandered Submarine” allows him to visit a military court. There’s a few bodies connected to the testing of a high tech device. “The Case of the Singing Skirt” has a bunch of illegal actions taking place at a legal casino. The owner decides to set up a worker for the fall. But she does the smartest thing a you can do: hires Perry Mason to prove her innocence. “The Cast of the Prudent Prosecutor” has D.A. Hamilton Burger begging Perry to defend a pal. How much did that have to hurt Burger to get assistance from the man who kicks his ass almost every week in the courtroom? The picture quality is still stunning on these transfers. Just remember that anything you see in an episode of Perry Mason can’t be used on the Bar exam.
The Mod Squad: Season 2, Volume 1 unleashes the grooviest crime fighting trio. Pete (Michael Cole), Linc (Clarence Williams III) and Julie (Peggy Lipton) are still the mystery unit run by the Captain (Tige Andrews). “Lisa” has them protecting Carolyn Jones (Morticia from The Addams Family) from a mysterious hitman. The most obvious suspect is Joseph Ruskin. The Squad suspect Carolyn isn’t telling them her whole story. “Ride the Man Down” has them meet Richard Anderson (The Six Million Dollar Man‘s Oscar Goldman) after Pete gets nailed with murder charges. “The Healer” has a homicidal quack loose in the urban jungle. Dwayne Hickman (Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine) rubs elbows with Julie. Linc gets to fall in love again during “To Linc – With Love.” The object of his affection is a DMV instructor has a dark past. What could be darker than working for the DMV? The Mod Squad is still the coolest because Peggy Lipton makes me melt.
Gunsmoke: The Third Season, Volume 1 is perhaps your best quickie gift for Grandpa. Who didn’t grow up with their old man watching Matt Dillon cleaning up Dodge City? The series at this point is still black and white and only 30 minutes long. “Jesse” has my favorite plot of a son showing up in Dodge City ready to gundown the man who shot his daddy. Sadly this does not star Dennis Hopper. “Romeo” lets Robert Vaughn (Man From UNCLE) get romantic with a land baron’s daughter. Daddy isn’t happy and takes it out on the town. “Doc’s Reward” shows he can handle a gun like a scalpel. He puts a slug in Jack Lord. But in a shocking twist, Lord returns for his revenge. Fans of The Dick Van Dyke Show will get a thrill with Rose Marie in “Twelfth Night” and Morey Amsterdam in “Joe Phy.” Jack Klugman (Quincy) rides the range in Buffalo Hunter. He’s poaching on Indian land so the Sheriff has to do something that’s tantamount to murder!
Rawhide: The Third Season, Volume 2 reminds us that there was time when Clint Eastwood’s face didn’t look like a Francis Bacon portrait. Clint is youthful and not even in charge of the drovers. He keeps the cows moving as they cross paths with other stars. “Incident of the Running Iron” has one of them accused of rustling. Dwayne Hickman is part of the family that holds his fate. John Cassavetes (Killing of a Chinese Bookie) gets heated up during “Incident Near Gloomy River.” He’s been courting a woman who has eyes for his brother. “Incident of His Brother’s Keeper” puts Jack Lord (Hawaii Five-O) in a wheelchair. He gets nasty when Sheb Wooley takes his woman dancing. The Lord versus Clint should pay-per-view. Star Trek fans will get to see Spock vs. Clint during “Incident Before Black Pass.” “Incident of the Lost Idol” has Claude Akins (Sheriff Lobo) bounty hunting. Rawhide‘s extensive outdoor shooting makes it play more like a short movie than just a normal TV Western.
Bachelorman is a romantic comedy starring David DeLuise (Dom’s son) as a guy who knows what women need cause he worships them. He’s the second coming of The Tao of Steve with Donal Logue’s trainer. He gets involved with his neighbor (Josie and the Pussycats‘s Missi Pyle) only to discover she’s not a one night stand. Can he muster the energy to remain a swinging single? Blake Clark gets work without Adam Sandler writing the check. Clyde Kusatsu (Midway) plays the sushi making neighbor. He’s been in tons of shows over the years. Fans of naughty things on the internet will get to ogle Kira Reed. Bachelorman allows Missi Pyle to use her comic muscles for longer than her short time on Soul Plane. There are quite a few useful tips given off by DeLuise. The DVD contains the complete promo for TesteFlex.
Mister Foe is an unnerving piece of cinema from Scotland. Jamie Bell (Billy Elliot) has become a voyeur in the wake of his mother’s death. He suspects that his father’s new wife (Mallrats‘ Claire Forlani) killed her. Dad (Rome‘s Ciaran Hinds) tries to be understanding of his son’s weirdness. However the son’s peeping tom hobby is driving him nuts. It’s quite shocking to see Claire play a wicked stepmother. Her sweet face can turn diabolical. The weirdness get kicked up a notch when stepmother goes Cinemax After Dark on her stepson. Is she distracting him or just a slut? This is another small film that you’ll need to watch on your TV screen.
Hancock was such a big piece of crap that Stephen Sommers ought to have his name on him. The first half has a weird potential with Will Smith as Abel Ferrara with superpowers. Although the idea of super sperm nearly killing a woman was an old “why Superman has to pull out of Lois Lane” joke. Jason Bateman trying to clean him up was OK. When we get the plot twist with Charlize Theron, I thew up in my popcorn. Why did I think this film wouldn’t blow chunks with the star of The Wild Wild West, I Am Legend and Bad Boys II? Cause I’m a cockeyed optimist.
Horton Hears A Who proves you can make a feature length film out of a Dr. Seuss book that doesn’t get annoying like the dreadful live action Grinch and Cat in the Hat flicks. Horton goes CGI which allows them to truly explore Dr. Seuss’ illustrations without merely adapting them to human form. Horton the elephant discovers a whole world living on a speck. Everyone thinks he’s nuts including the mayor of Whoville. The Whoville folks don’t think they’re on a speck. Horton wants to put the speck in a safe place outside of his vicious jungle domain. It’s an action heavy flick with animals out to take down the weird elephant. Jim Carrey as Horton and Steve Carell as the Mayor play well of each other with their voice work. These guys should host a talkradio show. There’s enough adult level humor to make this worth watching with the kids. The DVD has tons of bonus features about the CGI work and vocal booth weirdness. You can even create your own animation. They tossed in a digital copy of the film so you can watch it on your iPod.
IN CASE I FORGET
Remember to have a great Festivus this year.
Charo has been saved for the Christmas column! Prepare to be coochie-coochie-cooooed!
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March 30th, 2009 at 2:41 am
So what did happen to Isabella Soprano? I was also wondering