A recurring series of columns celebrating forgotten, underappreciated, or down right hilarious moments of interest from a confusing variety of films.

The definition of the “Money Shot” according to Wikipedia is a provocative, sensational, or memorable sequence in a film, on which the film’s commercial performance is perceived to depend. You are probably familiar with it yourself, most notably for its pornographic definition. I will not be focusing exactly on “Money Shots,” because the moments that will be provided are, more often then not, extremely cheap and unintentionally gut busting. Since my focus here will be on a low-budget oeuvre, I have decided to call them “Buck Shots” instead. These are moments on which a film’s cheese-factor is based, often underlining the tone of the entire production and providing the viewer with the opposite effect intended.

My personnal path crossed with the existence of most of these wonderfully derelict moments because I managed a “mom and pop” video store for the better part of half a decade and “clerked” there as well. It was the glorius type of video outlet which had 25 years worth of VHS rentals accumulated within its long and many isles…plus the biggest porn room in town!

My co-workers, my friends, and I were often obsessed with cheesey cinema, especially the culture of completely forgotten 80’s sci-fi, action, and horror titles released during VHS-mania. There were literally thousands of films that even cinephiles like us had never heard of, with the longest, cliché’ taglines ever concieved stamped right on the cover. We would each often indulge in the cornecopia of forgotten shlock, and play the most reprehensible, hilarious, or disgusting moments during our shifts. However, due to the fact that 90% of these films were downright unwatchable, we would usually only share the “Buck Shots” and never the film, sparing everyone else from the painful, elongated running times. Hence I wish to do that same for you.

This entry into Buck Shots: ASIAN COPS AND HEAD/AUTOMOTIVE TRAUMA

Collision Course (1989) – PAT MORITA’S JUMP KICK

Tag Lines:

• “The only thing stopping these two cops from solving the crime of the century… is each other.”
• “Not So Much A Lethal Weapon, More Of A Liability!”
• “With two cops like this someone’s going to die laughing!”

The first and only thing I would ever say to Jay Leno upon meeting him is “I loved you in Collision Course!” Not sure if that will anger or annoy him, but I’m betting on the former. Directed by Lewis Teague, also the director of the “blah” Romancing the Stone sequel Jewel of the Nile, this much forgotten piece of late 80’s comedy action is not completely worthless. The cast includes the two notable leads, Chris Sarandon (of Fright Night and Princess Bride fame) and the creepy Tom Noonan (Monster Squad, Robocop 2, Last Action Hero, Manhunter.) And no, this has nothing to do with the Crocodile Hunter.

I am probably alone, but I would easily prefer watching this Asian Guy/American Guy buddy movie over any of the Rush Hours or Shanghai Noons…in fact this film did the Asian-American Buddy drinking scene before and better then Shanghai Noon. I have actually sat through this film more then once since obtaining a VHS copy off eBay circa 1996 and can honestly say that few film moments have struck me as hard or as funny then the one below. Like most of the clips I will post here, describing this one with mere words is only doing you, and it, a disservice…enjoy:

Low Blow (1986) – LEO FONG SLOWLY ATTACKS A CAR FILLED WITH BAD GUYS

Taglines:

• “The deadliest weapon is still your fist.”
• “When the odds are against you…hit hard, hit first, and hit with a low blow.”

In Low Blow we have the famous 70’s and 80’s martial arts actor Leo Fong playing detective Joe Wong, whose character is on a mission to save a kidnapped girl from a religious cult. It also has Tae-Bo legend Billy Blanks in it as well, and don’t worry I plan to cover some of his “amazing” movies eventually, as I own several (yes, Billy Blanks has movies.) A warning should be given that if your interest is at all peaked from these clips, please note that if you look up Low Blow on Google you will get more then your fair share of gay porn results, I found this out the hard way. Now I don’t exactly know who that guy with the abnormally large fist on the box cover is, but I’m guessing it’s just a random graphic, since it’s not Detective Wong or the evil cult leader.

This clip needs to be described, only because in text form it almost sounds more ridiculous then the real thing. If you want to watch it fresh, skip this and go to the video below. In this two minute snippet we see Detective Wong chase three “bad guys” to their getaway car. Watch as he runs up to the vehicle, lifts the hood without a single problem, pulls out an apparently crucial part of the engine, flaunts and wiggles it to the bad guys inside the car, whilst they writhe and scream like babies. He then proceeds, WITH A SMILE, to take a plank of wood and joyfully smash in all the windows and dent the body. Meanwhile the evil dudes inside the car scream and moan as if being attacked, while fully NOT taking the several and very lengthy chances to EXIT THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE CAR. Leo Fong then runs AWAY from the car, puts on safety goggles and picks up the conveniently placed round saw and begins to slowly cut off the roof. When finished, he simply lifts the roof off the car and LETS THE BAD GUYS RUN AWAY!!! All of this is of course taking place while a loop of 80’s synth-music repeats constantly (as it does through the rest of the movie.) It’s pure genius on so many levels. If you doubt for one second that what I just described is 100% true…just watch:

Low Blow (1986) – THE FACE CAKE!

This clip takes place a tad later in the film, I believe as Detective Wong infiltrates the cult fortress (or the cult’s suburban house.) Wong slowly walks down a corridor (OF EVIL!) and is attacked by a henchman, one that was apparently involved in the elaborate and sluggish car attack earlier as he states “Got you now Chinaman! I think you owe me a car!” Now, the unnecessary racial slur aside, what I’ve always wondered was, was this henchman in the car or did he just own it and get really pissed when he found out what happened?

Because all we are dealing with here is master shots and poorly lit shots, it is hard to make out who exactly this henchman is. Leo Fong flips him on his back and then, well, he kills him by smashing his skull in…yet in the universe of Low Blow all henchmen’s biological material is made of birthday cake. They don’t allude to it much in the narrative, but it obviously true. See:

Ok, that is all for this first entry of BUCK SHOTS…I have a whole gaggle of clips that will keep coming your way. Thanks for reading!

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