GETTYSBURG – I want to be the next Vice President of the United States of America.
Any party is free to make a play for me. I’m not picky. I just want the little job. I don’t want the big guy’s job. Let me ride a candidate’s coat tails in November. After eight years at the Naval Observatory, there will be no going for #1. I’ll be happy to host a variety show with Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony on Univision.
My goal is to restore the office of the Vice President to its historic standing as a completely useless position. Did you know that at one time the Vice President had to provide two forms of ID to use cash at Washington DC’s Piggly Wiggly? It’s true.
I don’t want to set agendas. I don’t even want a real staff. There’s no need to beef up the power of the gig. As the VP, my role should be opening supermarkets, throwing out baseballs and lowering dead foreign leaders. The man-sized safe in the VP’s office will be yanked out to make space for my man-sized HD-TV. My schedule will involve attempting to win a game of Madden ’08 against the computer. You won’t see me exposed on Daily Show for plotting the overthrow of a sovereign nation. The only International Incident dedicated to me will be burping too loud at the iHop.
I don’t want to bring back respect to the position. I want to bring back the obscurity. School children will be asked, “Who is the Vice President of the USA?” Their proper reply should be, “We have one?” Remember FDR’s first vice president? Do you know him? It’s a $2,000 question on Jeopardy. It’s John N. Garner! He described the job as “not worth a bucket of warm piss.” Let me be America’s Trucker Bomb!
My only promise is to bring the party to the people. As long as you show a proper driver’s license, you can drop by for a frosty mug at my office. It’s not like you’ll interrupt me doing any real work. My office will be located inside the TGIFridays on Pennsylvania Avenue.
If you’re a presidential nominee with an open slot for #2, take a squat on me!
THE MYSTERY OF KITTY HAWK
And now here’s a short film about my visit to Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.
DVD SHELF
It’s political convention season. Unless you’re a fan of goofy hats, you’ll probably want to spend a little more time with the DVD player. There’s plenty of selections this month. You’ll be able to catch up on last season’s shows in order to be prepped for the fall premiere. You can also get a real history of politics instead of the party approved bullet points with a few titles.
Chicago 10 reminds us of a time when a party convention could be more newsworthy than a Jim Nabor’s Variety Show episode. This documentary describes what happened when radical youths dared to take the streets of Chicago during the 1968 Democratic Convention. Director Brett Morgan elaborates on the techniques his crew used on Kid Stays In the Picture. He mixes vintage news footage with animation to create a vision a hyper view of the riot and the court proceedings. We get a up close and uptight view of how Mayor Richard Daley crushed the Yippies camped out in the park. Thankfully the soundtrack is not the usual ’60s superhits that get abused by VH1 specials. The best music matching the atmosphere moment is when the cops clean out the park to the sounds of Black Sabbath. This is where the animation and actual footage blend to create an intense fear that free speech can’t be shouted through tear gas. Chicago 10 is a must own for anyone wants to remember a time when people did rebel against a political machine.
John Oliver: Terrifying Times shows how the English Daily Show correspondent doesn’t merely read political jokes as a fake reporter. He’s a political junky who dares to comment on these soul sucking times. This is the speech that you won’t be hearing from a convention stage. What a shame. This an expanded and uncensored version of the Comedy Central version that now runs 56 minutes. They throw in a few segments from The Daily Show including him and Larry Wilmore’s “N Word” special.” Those two need their own TV show. This is the only guy standing on a stage talking about politics action you’ll need to watch for the next month.
The Presidents Collection brings together 10 documentaries about the men who called 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home. Teddy Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, FDR, JFK (and other Kennedys), LBJ, Nixon, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush get their lives and administrations probed in this series that aired on PBS’s American Experience. If you bemoan the fact that they didn’t take a Poli-Sci course in college, here’s a second chance at all that education. By the time you finish watching all 35 hours contained in this boxset, you’ll look like a genius during Jeopardy. You’ll know which rugged president had asthma. This is the perfect back to school gift for the budding presidential scholar in the house.
Nightmare Before Christmas: Collector’s Edition is getting the Blu-ray love with plenty of time before Halloween or Christmas. You can have this before the Jerry Lewis’ Labor Day Telethon for Muscular Dystrophy. The bonus feature that excites me the most is “What’s This? Jack’s Haunted Mansion Holiday Tour.” See what the folks at Disneyland did to give the classic Haunted Mansion a little Tim Burton action. Dana Snyder should approve of this. The disc features a DisneyFile Digital Copy so you can watch it on your iPod. They also include the “Frankenweenie” and “Vincent” shorts made by Burton during his early Disney days.
Transformers: Two-Disc Special Edition finally gives last summer’s blockbuster the 1080p action. It’s thrilling to finally see the fine details on Optimus Prime and Megatron as they knock each other around. You also get a thrill from seeing the fine details on Megan Fox. Why wasn’t there more of her chassis in this car show? Jon Voight makes the transforming robots realistic. Shia LaBeouf is his generations Jeff Goldblum. Why wasn’t Jeff cast as Shia’s dad? The special effects shimmer in this upgrade from the DVD. The second disc bonus features about the cast. crew. Autobots and Decepticons are in HiDef. It’s a Blu-ray celebration worthy of a late night geek out. There’s a certificate in the case for a $10 rebate if you upgrade from your old creaky DVD.
Cheers: Season 10 brings us to the penultimate time for the gang that haunted Boston’s most popular bar. “Where Have All the Floorboards Gone” brings back Celtic superstar Kevin McHale. Cliff messes with the Hall of Fame forward’s mind when they argue about how many bolts are used on the Boston Garden’s parquet floor. The bar trivia destroys his game. They even have Kevin’s wife (Lynn McHale) playing herself. She’s a natural when she disrupts Kevin’s plea to Sam for sanity. Why don’t they have a reality show on NBA TV? Johnny Carson makes a cameo in “Heeeeeere’s… Cliffy!” The feud between Cheers and Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern heightens in “Bar Wars V” and “Bar Wars VI.” They don’t use “Monster Mash” when Gary sabotaged Sam’s jukebox. But they came up with a great “Vampire Twist” song as the substitute. The big wrap up of the season is a freakish wedding. No need to spoil the surprise of the bride and groom if you’ve forgotten the episode. Hopefully the final season will be served up fast.
Wings: Season 7 is the next to last flight of the Sandpiper Air. For me, this show has always been where Mr. Monk was found as Tony Shalhoub stoles scenes with a stealth attack. The first episode kicks off with a burned out house. Thomas Hayden Church’s big farewell is “The Person Formerly Known as Lowell.” He has to leave the business after witnessing a mobster hit. Guess it’s better than him catching a strange disease. Wings is all about the Shalhoub anyway. He sticks it out till the end.
Everybody Hates Chris: The Third Season keeps the spite coming as our hero enters his teens. The kid (based on Chris Rock) enters 9th grade. You think high school was rough. Imagine if your high school years had to be pumped up to be a sitcom. There’s a good anti-getting caught with cigarettes episode in “Everybody Hates Being Cool.” Turns out that after getting nailed in school, his sister gets to blackmail him to keep the info from his parents. Chris just gets way too much hate. It’s a miracle that this show can keep up the laughs instead of turning into an MSNBC Murder Mystery.
The Bodyguard & The Bodyguard 2 have been doubled up inside a case although each film is on a separate disc. Tony Jaa (Ong-Bak) serves up his buttkicking with Thai flavor. Jaa has serious cinematic moves. The Bodyguard is a redemption story as Jaa loses a client the hard way. When he discovers the killers are coming after the guy’s son; he redeems his failure by saving him for free. The Bodyguard 2 has him now as a counter terrorism agent. He has to infiltrate and shut down a terrorist front. Consider this a fantastic kickass double bill for the late summer.
Eli Stone: The Complete First Season collects the 13 episodes of the strange replacement series that came on after Lost. Eli is a lawyer whose brain aneurysm causes him to have weird visions slide into his reality. He keeps having George Michael pop up and sing “Faith.” That’s never a good thing to have the Wham man appear in the men’s room. Jonny Lee Miller plays Eli. You’d known him better as the Bond-loving Sickboy from Trainspotting. He was also the first Mr. Angelina Jolie. The show does its best to give a semi-serious message with a whimsical flavor.
NCIS The Fifth Season has the 18 episodes that survived the strike ravaged season. What makes this show cool is that it allows people to view David McCallum as more than just the sidekick on The Man from U.N.C.L.E.. He’s not reduced to selling the Helsinki Formula Jr. He’s working on a top ranked show. The series allows Mark Harmon to graduate from Summer School. Mostly I watch to see Pauley Perrette, America’s favorite goth sweetheart. The season ended with one of their own on the slab. I’m not going to give the toe tag away.
The Untouchables: Season 2, Volume 2 whips up another serving of old school gangster action . There are few TV cops that are as all business as Robert Stack in the role of Eliot Ness. The man did even go to the bathroom when he was on the clock. What’ll delight TV fans is the variety of stars that mobbed it up for the camera. “Augie ‘the Banker’ Ciamino” has Keenan Wynn (Dr. Strangelove) running a racket. This would be fun enough, but his main goon is none other that Harry Dean Stanton (Big Love). Harry was once a young actor! “The Antidote” has Telly Savalas (Kojak) as a big time bootlegger. Who loves him? Anybody who wants bathtub hooch. Victor Buono (Batman‘s King Tut) runs a counterfeiting ring in “Mr. Moon.” Before he booked ’em on Hawaii Five-O, James McArthur ran heroin as uncovered on “Death for Sale.” While Ness was a real lawman, there is nothing historical about these cases. Do not use these episodes as footnotes in term papers.
Reprise is another literary movie from Scott Rudin. Two Norwegian novelists get tense with each other when one gets quick success while the other only gets rejection slips. It’s good to know that people in Scandinavia also suffer this affliction. The really deals with that horrible sensation that your happiness is not that infectious. This is a tough subject, but director Joachim Trier does a good job showing how writing is a competitive game. Nothing stinks more than seeing the less talented schlub from the creative writing class score with a poem in The New Yorker.
DONALD CLAUS?
The tabloids have gone nuts on Donald Trump’s offer to buy Ed McMahon’s mansion and rent it back to the elderly sidekick. It seems like such an amazing gesture of charity from the heartless mogul. They just might make a Christmas special out of this act.
But it’s so messed up.
This isn’t a case that Ed “lost” his house in a freak scam. He wasn’t cheated out of it in a fixed Poker game or by an accountant. Nobody fled to Brazil with all of Ed’s publishing lottery money. Ed is in trouble because he hasn’t paid his mortgage to the tune of $644,000. If Ed won’t cut a check to maintain ownership, what are the odds that he’s going to keep up rent payments? In the world of landlords, Ed is known as a major risk. Only people lower than Ed on the “risk list” are folks with a history of apartments that explode from suspected meth labs.
Ed has had the house on the market for two years. He wants to sell the joint. Why are you going to buy his mansion and force him to live there? Why not just move Ed into a Trump Condo complex?
This just isn’t an optimal charity situation for the Donald to be Santa to the man who made a fortune saying, “Here’s Johnny!” It’s not like they are even golfing buddies. It appears Trump hasn’t spoken to Ed about any of these plans. Having worked on Extreme Makeover, I can assure you that the people who get the free house have been interviewed by the show before Ty arrives with the megaphone. Does he really know what Ed can afford to pay to live in his house?
There is only one real solution for Trump. He needs to hire Ed to be his sidekick on The Apprentice. Have him introduce the contestants and the corporate fatcats. Let him sit in the reception area of your “boardroom.” Instead of paying Ed the big bucks, Trump gives him the house’s deed at the end of the season. Declare two winners in the finale. Use the house in a couple episodes to get it considered a business expense. By giving away the house, Donald doesn’t have to worry about the future tabloid headlines of “Trump Evicts McMahon’s Widow!”
JAGR BISCUITS
After two visits to Red Robin Gourmet Burgers, I have no plans to be dragged back for a third time. While this chain is really inventive on what to put on the burger, they need to understand that what matters most is the meat. Both times the hamburger patties were dry and spongy. It was like a sponge cooked for medium well. For the price and hype, I want a nice juicy burger. Fuddruckers can do this. Char-Grill serves ’em up like this. Even Ruby Tuesdays understands the juicy concept.
Judging from the perfect round shape of the patties, I sense they’re punched out and frozen. When gourmet hamburger on the menu, is it wrong to anticipate it being done with freshly ground meat? Or thawed out before hitting the griddle. I don’t want to munch of a bovine hockey puck. The brass of Red Robin need to back away from the bar and taste each others’ meat.
DROWNED WORLD
Why did NBC cancel The Michael Phelps Show? I was really getting hooked on this story about a guy who swims against all comers. Why did Zucker pink slip the guy? I was hoping that he’d eventually lose to the Harlem Globetrotters.
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August 22nd, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Quick update: A mysterious buyer has made a higher offer for Ed McMahon’s house than Donald Trump’s numbers. Ed’s moving out when the deal closes.