BEVERLY HILLS – Dr. Drew Pinsky needs his medical license revoked.
This man has no business being in the detox business since he obviously hasn’t a clue what needs to be done with star patients. Andy Dick gets busted for sexually assaulting two teenage girls and possessing drugs. What’s his punishment? Dr. Drew wants to check the former star of Newsradio into his latest VH1 series: Sober Living.
Dr. Drew has gone from being a medical professional to the P.T. Barnum of celebrity trainwrecks. Is Jeff Conaway cured? Or is he merely ready to star in the latest Dr. Drew salvation series? This guy makes Dr. Phil look legit.
Does Dr. Drew understand what these people aren’t addicted merely to booze, pills and teenage hookers. They are addicted to seeing their reflection in camera lenses. They are addicted to flashbulbs. They are addicted to the notion that their lives are 24-7 TV shows. They think that all their outrageous actions can be forgiven because they are the star of a show. They’re just that wacky character adding life to a dull “average” reality and it’s in the script.
Nothing reinforces the “my life is a TV show” syndrome than round the clock camera crews covering your every visit to the bathroom. Dr. Drew tore into Conaway’s girlfriend for supposedly smuggling drugs into his elite rehab center. But Conaway indulged in a substance worse than sugar coated crack: videotape. He nodded back to the sets of Grease and Taxi when the warmth of a wireless microphone pack snugged against his ass. It’s like heroin to a washed up actor. You appeal to their distorted sense of reality by letting them know that it is news when they take a dump cause there’s two cameras and a boom mic following them into the toilet.
Can you cure narcissism with gilded mirrors?
Andy Dick won’t get any real help from enrolling in this program. He’ll get help fattening up his resume thanks to Dr. Drew. This will look great next to him judging on Comedy Central’s The Gong Show.
If Dr. Drew is smart, he’ll understand that Andy Dick is beyond help. He’s a lost cause. How many chances has this guy had to clean up his act? How many big star friends have sought to dry up their pal? How many times has he screwed them over? He’s going to play it up for the cameras to make us view him as this hurt little boy. But it’s all going to be an act. Look at his eyes in his most recent mugshot: He’s evil. Putting him on a TV show will only encourage his outrageous ways. He shall merely contribute to the show’s narrative instead of get himself straightened out. He’ll care more about getting screen time than sobriety. He’ll be drunk on boom microphones.
If any stars truly want to clean up their acts, they’ll forget Dr. Drew and check themselves into The Party Favors Rehab Center and Hardcore Fighting Academy. Andy Dick needs his clock cleaned before he can clean up his life. But Dr. Drew is only going to milk him for precious ratings points. Perhaps Dr. Drew needs to confess that he’s a video junky? Physician detox yourself.
As of this moment, Neil Patrick Harris has more right to convey medical knowledge on TV than Dr. Drew.
BOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG
After two episodes of Comedy Central’s The Gong Show, it’s safe to declare that the people who revived the classic gameshow never actually watched it. It’s a pathetic mess. While the show should be seen as the anti-America’s Got Talent, it’s pretty much on par with the network schmaltz show minus the power of David Hassellhoff.
The Gong Show set is dreary. There was a classless glitz to the original Gong Show. It had shiny parts to distract. The new place just seems like they stole parts of the sets from Mind of Mencia. The judges look like they’re stuck in a dentist’s lobby. The gong fades into the background. Make it pop, people!
The acts presented were rather painful. Shoving a needle through your arm is so Jim Rose from a decade ago. A woman singing about her wet shaved pussy while holding a bald cat is cute, but predictable. The hula hoop girl was interesting, but really worth winning?
The only good part of the show is Dave Attell. The former host of Insomniac displays a little bit of Chuck Barris’ charm as he bridges between the acts and the judges. But even he seems lost on this undeveloped revival. He has that “is it over yet” stare when sneaking off the stage. He also needs clothes that weren’t stolen from Don Johnson’s wardrobe from the fifth season of Miami Vice.
There’s a chance for the show to work, but at they need to quit casting it with Howard Stern style acts. Wasn’t Queen Laqueefah already rated by Beetlejuice? You have to mix the innocent with the bizarre before sliding us the grotesque.
HE’S DEAD, JIM
Looks like CBS is completely giving up on Swingtown by moving it to Friday nights. If the network really cared about the show they would have changed the title to CSI: Swingtown. Each week the crack crew would have to piece together how different swinger met their fate. Plus tawdry lust moments at the lab to fill in the gaps. This short series better come out on DVD in time for Christmas. It’s the perfect gift to give your neighbors you want to hump.
KING OF BLAHS
How pathetic is it that Budweiser has been bought by InBev? The home of the Clydesdales has been snagged by a beer company based in Sproutland and operated by guys who enjoy picking up transsexuals after soccer matches. Rumors are already swirling that the new owners want to streamline the company. People will be fired shortly after Ms. Bud signs over her shares. What’s worse is the fear they’ll be dumping the amusement park arm that includes SeaWorld, Busch Gardens and Sesame Place.
They’re going to kick Elmo to the curb!
You won’t see me yelling for a boycott of Budweiser beers. Why? Because I’ve done my best to avoid Budweiser ever since they destroyed my once beloved Rolling Rock. Those rat bastards in St. Louis decided that the precious horsehead concoction blessed by the fine waters of Latrobe, Pennsylvania could be slopped out in Newark, New Jersey. That means when you now drink a Rolling Rock, you could be sipping the decaying flesh of Big Pussy.
I’d rather drink a liquidized urinal cake than sniff the “King of Beers.” Thankfully around here the better bars do carry Yuengling on draft.
It’ll be sweet music a few years from now when the folks who once ran Budweiser complain about how InBev screwed them and ruined their brewery. Who knew karma could have such a frothy head?
DVD SHELF
Cocaine Cowboys 2: Hustlin’ with the Godmother reminds us of the dangers from being a pen pal. Charles Cosby was a street hustler in Oakland when he wrote a fan letter to Griselda Blanco. She had recently been locked up in a nearby women’s prison after causing the bloody cocaine wars in Miami. Instead of merely getting an autographed headshot, the Godmother wrote him back a love letter. This relationship changes Cosby’s life. He visits her in jail and she sets him up with his own cocaine connection. He quickly becomes her lover and legs. She has him going all over the country to keep the white powder flowing. However he quickly learns that she’s not a really good girlfriend since she killed her last three husbands. What’s a street hustler to do with such a woman?
Director Billy Corben and his crew from Cocaine Cowboys illustrate the interviews with the dealers, hustlers, lawyers and cops with limited animation. The best cartoon moment is when Cosby explains how a Federal case was completely derailed by secretaries with severe cases of Jungle Fever. It’s like a scene from Heavy Metal. If you enjoyed the original documentary, you’ll be more than enraptured by this West coast tale of love and blow.
The Executioner’s Song: The Director’s Cut tells the story of Gary Gilmore, a homicidal guy who was executed by firing squad in Utah. He fought to keep others from preventing his execution. This was a movie of the week, but it had more talent on both side of the camera than most Tori Spelling epics. A very young Tommy Lee Jones plays Gilmore. Rosanna Arquette is his girlfriend. Christine Lahti and Eli Wallach (Babydoll) also beef up the acting. Oscar winning cinematography Freddie Francis (Glory) and editors Tom Rolf (The Right Stuff) and Richard A. Harris (Titanic) makes this film look and feel like a theatrical feature film. The director’s cut is 135 minutes so it’s tighter than what ran on two nights back in 1982.
Surfwise is about how Dr. Dorian Paskowitz skipped the straight world and lived by the waves. He and his wife raised their eight sons and a daughter inside a camper for nearly two decades. They traveled randomly across the country living in pure poverty. The kids remember how they didn’t have enough clothing for all the kids to be dressed at once. They become legendary for their surfing lifestyle. While the film demonstrates a blissful vision of Doc, we discover that the Paskowitz family resembled The Jacksons on the waves. When the kids finally get old enough to leave the camper, they quickly discover they aren’t ready for the world of humans with their lack of education. How will they survive? This is an amazing documentary with an emotional roller coaster of events.
Family Ties: The Fourth Season takes the Keaton clan to England. They have the entire movie of the week with Alex going to Oxford. He gets tangled up with a spy ring. It’s also an important season for Michael J. Keaton since his future wife Tracy Pollan plays his girlfriend. Alex actually finds a woman that can hang with is neo-con ways. This is also the season when Nick (Scott Valentine) shows up to date Mallory. My brother once worked on a Corman film with Valentine. He didn’t mind it if you called him Nick by accident. Only three more seasons left.
Star Trek The Original Series – The Complete Second Season (Remastered) brings you the recent Hi-Def version of the Kirk and Spock era show. This time you don’t have the HD-DVD on the flipper discs. The big thing is that they replaced a lot of the old spaceship models with CGI action. It’s a much cleaner frame than old optical effects. If you love “The Troubles with Tribbles,” you’ll over dose on the fuzzy wonders. They include the episodes from Star Trek: The Animated Series and Deep Space Nine. Plus plenty of Tribble bonus features. They overrun the boxset. The 26 episodes look much better than the transfers used on the previous season sets.
The Boston Strangler: The Untold Story takes us back to the murder spree that inspired the Rolling Stone’s Midnight Rambler. David Faustino is Albert De Salvo. That’s right, Bud Bundy is the Boston Strangler. Or is he? The film wants us to believe that De Salvo merely confessed to crimes he didn’t commit. It’s an interesting take on the true crime. Corin Nemec from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose plays Stuart Whitmore.
Love Boat: Season One, Volume 2 is my truly guilty pleasure. This collection can be summed up in one word: Hambone!!! This has the episode where Scatman Crothers brought Hambone mania to my bus stop. Kids stopped worrying about doing the hustle and tried to slap their hands with Hambone action. Scatman was at the top of his game with Hong Kong Phooey and The Shining making him a superstar. But when he whipped out the Hambone to show Doc, Julie and Issac, he became a music sensation like Andy Gibb. You get the final TV performance of Bob Crane as he plays a disgraced ex-captain reduced to being staff on the Pacific Princess. Plus Frankie and Annette appear, although in different episodes.
Dexter: The Complete Second Season keeps up the bloody goodness on Showtime. Michael C. Hall is perfect as the serial killer who works on the Miami Police force. This new batch has him become the target of an FBI profiler played by Keith Carradine. Things get complicated when the profiler works his mojo on Dexter’s sister. Can Dexter quit his sinister urge to keep from being busted? He enters a 12 step program although he doesn’t quite tell the folks in the room his real trouble. This is one of my favorite shows on TV.
Perry Mason Season 3, Volume 1 brings another dozen cases to your DVD player. Another dozen chances for Perry to beatdown foolish prosecutors. This is still the gold mark for legal series. He knew how to discover those special clues that made his client innocent in the eyes of the jury. My favorite file is “The Case of the Garrulous Gambler.” A guy gets angry during a Poker game and cold cocks a player. He’s told that he killed the guy and the other players bribe him to keep quiet. Things go extra bad when the ring leader turns up dead. Did the gambler decide to double down on homicide? This is perfect viewing for those glued to the World Series of Poker on ESPN.
Nightmare Before Christmas is getting the Blu-ray love with plenty of time before Halloween or Christmas. You can have this before the Jerry Lewis’ Labor Day Telethon for Muscular Dystrophy. The bonus feature that excites me the most is “What’s This? Jack’s Haunted Mansion Holiday Tour.” See what the folks at Disneyland did to give the classic Haunted Mansion a little Tim Burton action. Dana Snyder should approve of this. They also include the “Frankenweenie” and “Vincent” shorts made by Burton during his early Disney days.
Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds: The 3-D Movie is a title as long as the film. There’s only one major question: How can this 3-D technology be applied to Christina Hendricks’ scenes on Mad Men? There is only one reason to care about this film – cause your ten year old niece is going to pester you until Christmas if you don’t get it for them. Is it wrong that I kept thinking the Naked Brothers Band were the same as the Jonas Brothers? Disney just keeps cranking out the music. I can’t really call it noise since my childhood consisted of being crazy for Einstürzende Neubauten. Blixa was such a tricky fellow although he didn’t swap identity like Hannah and Miley.
Dave’s World: The First Season is a conflicted show for me. The series turned the life of newspaper columnist Dave Berry into a sitcom. I hate Dave Berry’s writing. He’s such a simp. He makes Larry King’s column look cutting edge. But they cast Harry Anderson (Night Court) as Dave. He does great geek magic. How could they do this? They turned Shadow Stevens into his friend. Shadoe is best known for taking America’s Top 40 away from Casey Kasem. This show still plays like a light version of Roseanne. Fans of the series need to know that Southside Johnny’s cover of Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right” has been removed as the theme song.
Caroline in the City: The First Season should not be confused with Sex In the City. Lea Thompson seems to be the lady who writes the Cathy comic strip. She’s got the boyfriend problems while she’s working her career as an cartoon artist. The best reason to watch is Amy Pietz. She’s the hot friend who has to look more screwed up than Lea. She discovers her life keeps popping up in Caroline’s work. What a thief.
Be Kind Rewind is a major mess of a movie. When I first saw the trailer, I thought the VHS rental store was from 1998 when DVDs hadn’t truly taken over the market. But then as they scan the shelves, there’s a copy of Harold and Kumar Go to the White Castle. That VHS came out in January of 2005. The tape cost more than the DVD. Danny Glover isn’t saving cash by refusing to swap his store over to digital. This guy’s business deserves to get shut down. I predict box office gold for a movie called, Jack Black Gets Beaten Senseless.
Muhammad Ali: Made In Miami covers how the city transformed the Gold medal Olympian into the Heavyweight champion of the world. The PBS documentary provides plenty of vintage footage and photos of Ali during the early ’60s. He was a boxing champ knew how to charm the camera and reporters. On the Jack Paar Show, Ali meets his match in the clench of Liberace. They even collaborate on a musical moment. Can today’s boxing belt holders can hold their own against Randy Newman? He clowns around with the Beatles for a photo shoot. Ali talks about how pro wrestler Gorgeous George influenced his attitude. The documentary does a great job of balancing the rise of the boxer and the sunshine capital. It’s a perfect prequel to When We Were Kings.
SMOKING ROOM
Bill Gates and Michael Bloomberg are going to spend $500 million dollars to stop people from smoking all over the world. Here’s a suggestion: Give me the $500 million dollars.
Why do I deserve half a billion bucks? Cause I don’t smoke. Do Gates and Bloomberg realize that for decades, we’ve grown up with warnings about the dangers of smoking? The side of cigarette packs should be enough to scare a sane person from picking up
the habit. The Surgeon General deathly diagnosis doesn’t spook a soul. People still smoke. Smart people who know better still smoke.
The Insider was considered a great anti-smoking film. People chain smoked on that set. They knew the hard truth of what they were sucking down in the dangerous cigarettes, but refused to snuff out their smokes. They might as well had wasted their time filming Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man Meet Joe Camel. Congress killed Joe Camel and kids still love to smoke. Did you know that monkeys, chimps and apes love to smoke?
Gates and Bloomberg are burning their cash if they think their Great Butt Out of 2009 will cause those Xtreme Redbull Kiddies to see the error of their ways. At minimum Gates and Bloomberg should give me a million bucks for coming up with the name “Great Butt Out” as way to connect with the snowboarders around the world. Donnie Deutsch doesn’t give out big ideas like that for free.
The sad part is that Cigarette manufacturers seem to be the only American businesses that haven’t been bought out by foreigners. Gates and Bloomberg want to put fine people of Richmond and Winston-Salem onto the free cheese line. They want to snuff out the dreams of Americans. Why destroy the one good thing that’s working in this snafu economy? They need to give one American the simple dream of half a billion dollars. Call now. My operator is waiting.
Comments: 3 Comments
3 Responses to “Party Favors: Paging Dr. Drew”Leave a Reply |
August 6th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Your smoking rant made me happy. A man who does not smoke ACTUALLY defending the rights of those who wish to do so. Thank you, sir.
August 7th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
“Does Dr. Drew understand what these people aren’t addicted merely to booze, pills and teenage hookers. They are addicted to seeing their reflection in camera lenses.”
Gee, I think he might, seeing as he’s about to publish in a peer reviewed journal about a 10 year study he did on celebrities and narcissism. You must have done some fine research for this article.
“If Dr. Drew is smart, he’ll understand that Andy Dick is beyond help.”
Yeah, that’s exactly the attitude I want my doctor to have. “Well you don’t seem to want help so I won’t even try to cure you.” Do you realize that physicians are REQUIRED to try to cure any patients that come to them? Relapse is a part of addiction. Bob Forrest, one of Drew’s partners on the show, relapsed many times before getting clean.
“As of this moment, Neil Patrick Harris has more right to convey medical knowledge on TV than Dr. Drew.”
The guy that played Doogie is clearly more qualified then the Medical Director for the Department of Chemical Dependency Services at Las Encinas Hospital, the Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the Keck School of Medicine of USC, and a board certified Addiction Medicine Specialist with about 30 years day-to-day experience treating addicts in real life.
Go read his book “Cracked” if you’d like to understand what it’s like trying to cure addicts and maybe you’ll understand why he does what he does. (hint: it’s about trying to be of service to people.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Does seem that Dr. Drew is having his own trouble at the clinic:
A photo of celeb doc Drew Pinsky, co-medical director of Aurora Las Encinas Hospital, vanished from the facility’s website today. The Pasadena psychiatric hospital is under scrutiny over the unexpected deaths of three patients as well as the rape of a teenage girl, all in the last five months. The Times’ Ron Lin has the details:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2008/08/drew-pinksy-its.html