A short, short time from now…in a state not that far away, the most unique terrorist attack in the history of earth is about to take place. It will not be thrown upon its victims due to politics, religion, land, or food…but out of love. Love of an art form. An army of men, better known as the George-Lucas Excommunicative Experimental Kinship (or GEEK,) toil away in their painfully cliché’ parent’s basements. Through extensive research and highly-evolved GEEK knowledge they construct a neurotoxin that attacks the centers of the human brain most active in those that have the slightest amount of talent and/or passion for telling stories and making films. They plan to stop Hollywood dead in its tracks, crashing the “can’t leave well-enough alone†train from going any further. The toxin renders the victim completely unable to be creative in the slightest capacity, which, as the research shows, gives great rise to plain white t-shirt sales.
GEEK, reeling with anger from years of constant cinematic rape of their childhood heroes and stories, releases the toxin throughout all of Hollywood via coffee houses, coke parties, and cellular telephone stores. Needless to say, it disables everyone in or remotely associated with the American movie industry, turning them into creatively-void zombies walking the streets with nothing new or inventive in their minds. George Lopez and Dane Cook finally fit in.
However, the attack goes completely awry. GEEK’s main target, that of George Lucas himself, goes completely unaffected (also Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, except they have talent, yet it’s just for turning a profit and being less funny then AIDS.) Scrambling to figure out where their calculations went wrong, it comes to their attention that Lucas’s brain center’s for talent, and especially passion, have been completely stone dead for the past 20 years. Every writer and director in Hollywood is now rendered useless. The studios panic, they know they can no longer put their faith, money, or trust in fresh new talent or properties that don’t already exist with a built-in fan base…so they go to the only man left that is still functioning the same as before. George Lucas is given the task by all major studios to write, direct and possibly star in hundreds upon thousands of CGI-soaked sequels, prequels, and remakes to pre-existing franchises. Lucas, of course, plans to triumph at his main goal, which is to suck every last ounce of mystery, beauty, and timeless endurance out of everything he touches. Here are simply a few of his upcoming projects:
(note to reader: to make this all the more authentic I am writing it in the period of exactly one weekend all off the top of my head, while simultaneously disregarding all my knowledge of the existing source material, tone, character traits, and franchise precedents set in prior installments.)
Title – Gremlins: Origins
Director – George Lucas
Writers – David Koepp & George Lucas
Music – Composed and conducted by The John Williams’s Score Simulator 3000
Cast – Zach Galligan (as the voice of the Human), Shia LeBeouf, Ben Kingsley (as Scythe), and Tom Cruise
Production – Prequel. All mogwais and gremlins will be fully-digitally created in a fully realized live-action computer generated environment by ILM. Zach Galligan’s voice will make a cameo at the very end, however his part will be played by a life-sized, computer-controlled human puppet.
Pitch – The long awaited tale of how America’s favorite green menaces came to be. Pioneer director Lucas takes us on a long and breathtaking ride through his vision of Gizmo’s journey from infant mogwai to where we first met him. We begin on the Mogwai planet Terthdor, showing gizmo’s parents, Frenzoy and Yuter, walking through the highly-detailed and complex city of Bloutohn. We learn, through passing television ads and character banter (all the mogwais and gremlins can talk in English with british accents) about the ongoing global war between the Mogwai Unitarian Front and “those whom have consumed†or the Morphed Ones. They are a race of mogwais that broke the cardinal rule of their race and consumed foodstuffs after their local star, Halphi 385-2, set below the horizon, thus morphing them into devilish, marauding, deformed creatures. The leader of the Morphed Ones being, Scythe, an extremely evil brute, the son of Scrape who started the rebellion against Mogwai society. Frenzoy and Yuter soon go to a local hydration center, where little Gizmo is born during a city-wide invasion of the Morphed Ones. Gizmo eventually grows to lead the Unitarian Front, saves the planet, and leaves Terthdor to explore the galaxy as a mighty conqueror.
Title – The Never Ending Story 4: Never Beginning
Director – George Lucas
Writers – David Koepp (Dialogue by George Lucas)
Music – Composed and conducted by Tay Zonday
Cast – Shia LeBeouf, Bill Pullman and Cher
Production – Prequel. All creatures and beings found in Fantasia will be fully digitally-created in a fully realized live-action computer generated environment by ILM. All humans will be filmed in full green screen bodysuits with only their faces exposed. Necessary elements (rooms, furniture, nature, torsos, and limbs) will be added in post, including re-edited human lip movements that need adjustment to last-minute script changes.
Pitch – Brilliant storyteller and dream weaver George Lucas shows us a peek into the creation of the most mysterious book in all of filmdom. A four-and-a-half hour drama detailing the life of Hanson Kentucky, the author of The NeverEnding story. The entirety of the film will take place in Hanson’s apartment, while he pecks away at his trusty typewriter and has extremely extended conversations with his roommate Gorge Klucas. The culmination will, of course, be the last hour and fifteen minutes, which shows the extended process of book binding. All shots of Fantasia and Fantasia-related characters will be found after the credits, which will tell the prequel story of how Hanson Kentucky did drugs in the early 60’s and created a beautiful world of fantasy while sitting in the parking lot of a local cake-icing factory…all Fantasia characters will be shown in extremely quick, one frame per character, photo montages to The Imperial March.
Title – Police Academy: The Jolly Adventures of Young Mahoney
Director – George Lucas
Writers – David Koepp, George Lucas
Music – Composed and conducted by Five Young Cannibals
Cast – Vin Diesel (as the voice of Commandant Lassard,) Sarah Jessica Parker, Shia LeBeouf (as the voice of Young Mahoney,) and Roseanne Bar
Production – Prequel. A CG-animated family adventure
Pitch – America’s favorite Police Officer is back! This time, with maverick director George Lucas at the helm, we find Mahoney at the spry age of six playing “cops and robbers†in his parent’s backyard with other local children that in no way resemble the varied plethora of characters found throughout the Police Academy movies. This will be a PG-rated family comedy about one young boy’s life long quest to become not only an upstanding citizen, but a stern and just member of the police force. Steve Guttenberg is in talks to cameo as the Grizzled Waste Barge Captain.
Title – Poltergeist: Life to Death
Director – George Lucas
Writers – David Koepp, George Lucas, Uwe Boll
Music – Composed and conducted by Papa Roach
Cast – Jon Lovitz, OprahWinfrey, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Shia LeBeouf and Bernie Mac (as the voice of the Ghost Puppy)
Production – Prequel. Live-Action. All actors will be digitally-replicated using motion capture technology, while practical effects will be used to bring the Ghost Puppy to the life. (Ghost Puppy puppets will be digitally rotoscoped in post to fit with the rest of production)
Pitch – A live-action romp through the lives of the humans whose souls are destined to haunt the Freeling family household. Our story, written by earthbound deity George Lucas, begins in the olden days of the Wild West (year not researched.) The narrative takes place on the Freeling Family Ranch, where Wilbur Freeling and his family of five live peacefully raising chickens. Soon the evil local sheriff, played with a CG face and digitally simulated voice by Jon Lovitz, alerts Wilbur that he owes a mighty hefty amount of taxes and if he doesn’t pay up the bank will take the farm. Just to show how serious he is, the sheriff kills the family dog Buttermeat. Luckily, through a series of fight scenes, wagon chases, and alien abductions, the Freeling Family finds a way to resurrect Buttermeat the Puppy and with his newfound ghost abilities (as well as his unexplained ability to talk) he helps the Freelings pay off the bank and save the ranch. Stay tuned after the credits, a fully animated Meet Buttermeat The Ghost Puppy comedy short awaits, along with further adventures of Buttermeat, to be released simultaneously with the theatrical release. Buttermeat Blu-Rays will be found in every new Poltergeist: Life to Death action figure play set!
Title – Back To The Future 2009
Director – George Lucas
Writers – David Koepp, George Lucas, David Spade
Music – Composed and conducted by Hannah Montana
Cast – Megan Fox (as Marty McFly), Shia LeBeouf (as Doc Brown), and Michael Bay (as Biff Tannen)
Production – Remake. All actors will be shot at separate times, separate sound stages, using separate versions of the script in front of green screens and digitally placed in a fully realized live-action CG environment. Several Deloreans will be purchased, dismantled, have all parts scanned into 3D replication computer programs, melted down, discarded, then reassembled digitally and have actors placed inside them through the miracle of Digital-CG-Greenscreen-Computer-Anti-analog-3D-digital technology. The digital 3D Delorean model will be formatted to look like a Hummer H3.
Pitch – Freedom propagator and certified genius George Lucas takes on his most challenging battle yet, to finally make a heavily beloved film classic (that he barely remembers) ACTUALLY watchable to him and his children. We find our female hero Marty Mcfly as a struggling nymphomaniac high school student in the year 2009 who befriends a borderline teenage physicist by the name of Doug Brown, better known to his drug dealers and mafia contacts as Doc. Marty and Doc, while participating in a heavily sexual deviant act in the midst of driving to a local crack house accidentally drive their parent’s H3-Delorean into a wormhole. They soon find themselves in the land of Thefewture, where they befriend a local hovercraft-Priest named Biff who teaches them a lesson about respecting animal rights and safe sex practices. Mr. Lucas plans on remaking the entire trilogy, all concluding with Doc Brown revealing his true identity, that of Hue-E Luiss from the Planet Lovepower.
Title – Ghostbusters (possible subtitle: Ascension of the Demon Death Killers from Hell)
Director – George Lucas
Writers – David Koepp, George Lucas
Music – Composed and conducted by Lenny Kravitz
Cast – Cuba Gooding Jr., Shia LeBeouf (as Slimer)
Production – Remake. Taking a cue from the structure of The Nutty Professor films, Cuba Gooding Jr. will be playing the role of every ghostbuster, Dana, Goezer and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. The entire movie will be completely produced, animated, polished, directed, rendered, and finished by Pixar Studios as if it were to be released theatrically as a CG-animated movie. Cuba will then be shown the movie on a green screened set, while trying his best to act out each role of the entire film while viewing the fully produced animated feature. His performance, along with Mr. LeBeouf’s will then be reproduced digitally, acted out by professional mimes wearing motion-capture suits then re-animated to which the actors will then add their voices. The original fully-produced animated feature will then be discarded in the furnaces below Skywalker Ranch.
Pitch – Story-crafting film-God and monument-to-integrity George Lucas tries his hand at re-imagining one of the most loved and respected comedies ever made. Due to the extremely complex and ingenious form of filmmaking being used the movie will only run a brisk 38 minutes, 15 of which will consist of the tightly-woven complexities of Egon’s childhood in which he reads several books and experiences difficulty sleeping. Soon demons from the fourth circle of hell invade New York City killing every human they come into contact with by gutting them like sinful fish. Lucas, doing his best to be in keeping with the franchise, brings us to a climax beyond epic proportions as The Ghostbusters soon team up with the loveable 100 foot tall Marshmallow Man and his army of kung-fu mini-mallows and battle the head of the demons from hell…Slimer.
Title – Beverly Hills Cop 4: The Rise of the Disappointed Man
Director – George Lucas
Writer – George Lucas
Music – Composed and conducted by George Lucas
Cast – George Lucas (as the Disappointed Man), Shia LeBeouf (as Axel Foley)
Production – Will contain not only the greatest quantity but, by far, the greatest computer generated special effects ever put to screen or seen by human retinas. Lucas and LeBeouf, the only human actors to appear in the entire film, will spend at least 5 years, 10 hours a day, painted in full body green screen latex liquid adhesive. This will, quite possibly, be the most ambitious film project ever to be attempted, requiring more money, man power, resources, post production, and technological advancement then 300,000 times that of The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Clerks movies multiplied by six and all combined as one lump sum. The fully-generated real world environments will have a higher resolution then that of any HD format, possibly even higher then real life itself.
Pitch – Earth’s intellectual savior and the smartest and most creative man in all the span of recorded human history, George Lucas, captains this film as if it were the life of his only child. The unenlightened should remember that Mr. Lucas brilliantly portrayed the role of the Disappointed Man in Beverly Hills Cop 3. His small, but miraculous turn as a man waiting for a ride on an amusement park attraction, only to be told he can’t get on it, took him to the very depths of his soul, possibly reaching the breaking point. Lucas, a method actor, took the role to heart, and now using every skill and resource at his disposal, will finish off this character’s story. We come into this saga not much longer after the events which transpired for the Disappointed Man during BHC3. He wanders the streets, mumbling with anger, brimming with viscous rage, plotting his vengeance against Axel Foley and Planet Earth for their refusal to let him have his share of fun. He goes mad with revenge coursing through his brain. He discovers that Axel Foley’s definition of fun is watching his favorite film adventure series starring his favorite film character ever…Dakota Johnson. The Disappointed Man goes on a mission. Using his huge bank account and vast connections within the film industry, he gets the writing/directing job on the next Dakota Johnson movie…Dakota Johnson and the Land of the Ruby Eyeballs. He carefully studies all three previous Dakota movies, takes extensive notes on tone, character, plot, dialogue, and fan reactions. His in-depth reports on the original Dakota trilogy sum up everything that was beloved and enjoyed by every lifelong, die-hard, fan of the franchise…especially that of Axel Foley himself. The world, and Axel, wait with baited breath for the return of their favorite hero of all time, only to be horrified at the result. The Disappointed Man, filled with blind rage and acute knowledge of overblown dreck, turned Foley’s beloved hero, his source of fun and his inspiration to be a hero himself, into a childish tub of festering gopher shit, covered in a thick layer of anuses that spew vomit onto the beautiful Dakota Johnson trilogy that preceded it. Axel Foley mourns the rape of his hero. The Disappointed Man successfully destroyed Foley’s fun, as well as everyone else’s. Foley, sadly sitting surrounded by his framed Dakota Johnson original trilogy posters simply laments to himself… “If only he would have left well enough alone and realized there were OTHER rides in the park he could fucking get on. Piece of shit…I miss Billy.â€
The following projects are soon to be further developed by George Lucas, once he gets a few more weekends free to talk to his kids about ideas. All of the following star Shia Lebouf, as well as none of the original cast members, unless otherwise noted:
– Ernest Saves The Universe
– Revenge of the Nerds 5: Voyage to NERD Island
– Dumb and Dumbererer: Harry and Lloyd go to Heaven
– Blues Brothers 3000
– Lumberjack Pee-Wee’s Giant Tree House
– Predator 3: Pizza Vacation
– Rocky Balboa 2: Rocky 7: PUNCH Planet!
– Short Circuit 3: Johnny wins the Robotic Olympics
– Star Trek: The Day The Moon Expanded
– Superman and the Onslaught of Alien Pimps
– Lethal Weapon 5: The Haunted Missile Silo
– Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2
– Naked Gun 4: The Serious Files
– Wayne’s World 3: Wayne’s Galaxy
– Crocodile Dundee 4: Peace In The Middle East
– Kill Bill Volume 3: The Bride vs. The Pope
– Star Wars: Clone Wars: Episode 2: Attack of the Clones Part 2.5: Revenge of the Sith Part 0.5: Clone Wars 2: Pre-Sith Revenge: The Empire Fights the Rebel Alliance: Star Wars: The Animated Adventures: The Live Action Version
If you have any other ideas for sequels, prequels, remakes, or re-issues for George Lucas to make please email him at Filmmakermangod@genius.com. Thanks for reading.
Comments: 4 Comments
4 Responses to “Opinion In A Haystack: I AM LUCAS”Leave a Reply |
July 8th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Bob Rose, that was worth the wait. I personally can’t wait for the new Police Academy. Long Live Mahoney! I have to say it, Guttenberg is King.
Make I make suggestion for Mr.Lucas, Deviated Septum Valley, the prequel to Brokeback Mountain. Two ranch hands played by John Stamos and Patrick Duffy, forge a life long bond and become the adoptive parents of a new born boy which they name Shia LeBeouf.
Anyway… Good column.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:40 am
brilliant… Lucas has done it again (and again and again) each of these would make at least 100mil if they came out, maybe one year apart
July 8th, 2008 at 11:54 am
haha…they just straight up name him Shia LeBeouf…yet the oddity is Shia doesnt play the boy, he just dubs his voice over John Stamos and Partick Duffy…thanks man.
July 15th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
You forgot about Terminator 4, 5 and 6 chronicling how John Connor turns into a Terminator to serve his lord Darth SKYnet