WACO, TEXAS – The gruff voice on the other end of the phone is unmistakable. Stone Cold Steve Austin is ready to talk.
He’s pumped up at the release of The Legacy of Stone Cold Steve Austin, a 3 DVD set with 9 hours of his time in and around the ring. It’s an amazing reverse Samson transformation as his popularity grows as his hair disappears.
Because of time limitations and he’s f’n Stone Cold, the interview was done as part of a conference call with other writers. We’re limited to asking two questions, but can listen into dozens of Stone Cold’s answers. This is what it must be like to hang with the Buddha if he wore knee braces while in repose.
The first Party Favors question: How do you feel when a fan says you inspired him to give his boss the finger and throw a beer at the guy?
“I’ve never got that,” Stone Cold said. Turns out most of his fans say he inspired them to do positive things in their life.
The second question: What does Stone Cold do to keep his shaved head looking so good?
“I’ll go three to five days and let if get scruffy if I don’t have any meetings. When it comes time to shave, I always go with the grain. I use shaving cream and those Bic disposable razors. I don’t use a fancy razor. I can get a couple shaves out of one and toss it away. Go with the grain, my friend. Go with the grain,” the wise grappler said.
He did reveal later in the talk that he has an ashy complexion. He douses himself with water before appearing on Monday Night Raw to look good for the camera. He hated wrestlers that oiled themselves up since it was hard to get a good grip on them.
The following are answers he gave other reporters. The question of Stone Cold’s legacy comes up and the man with the leather vest and ripped jeans is quick to describe how he views himself.
“These days when I do an appearance for WWE, it’s a light hearted affair. Cut a cute promo, slap a couple beers together and give somebody a Stone Cold Stunner. That’s not what I want to be remembered for. I want to be remembered as the guy who brought home a gray area into a black and white business of good and bad. Here was a bad guy that everybody ended up loving. I never said I was a good guy and transformed into the biggest babyface in the business. I’m a guy who stood for something…who knows what he stood for other than Steve Austin. He did a lot of things that should have been construed as heel-like, but for some reason, the way society was going, the people ended up loving that guy. I want to be remembered as that guy, not the guy who goes out there and does that light hearted stuff these days.”
Later another writer asks what Stone Cold thinks when he hears the crowd go nuts. “When you hear that explosion and you know that’s the result of the 10 years in the WWE that you busted your ass and did everything you could to entertain those people. That means getting beat up, stitched up, cut up to the nth degree and making everything 120 percent real that’s the result of all that hard work. But for me and the limited capacity that I come back for, I feel like I’m ripping the people off. I know can cut a slick promo, but I can’t be the old Stone Cold.”
This however does not mean that he’s tempted to make a full fledged comeback. He’s asked what it would take to make him go beyond the cute promos.
“If really needed the money, I’d probably go back,” Stone Cold said. “Thankfully I’ve been very, very conservative with my money. I don’t spend my money. I’ve invested it wisely. I love the business. I’ve always loved the business. But I don’t miss it. I’ve got fond memories when I think about that stuff, but I’ve been out long enough.”
While Legacy has plenty of matches from across his career, Stone Cold pointed out that many of his great matches have previously been released on DVD. “It was a good try. There’s really too much for three DVDs to cover. Because we’ve put out so many other DVDs in the past, they didn’t use a lot of that footage, so there’s a lot of holes. You kind of have to have all of them. And there really could have been more extras and commentary. But if you have the other DVDs, this does a good job of filling in the gaps,” Stone Cold said.
One of the highlights of Legacy is seeing the moment when Steve gained his X Factor and became a sensation with the crowds. He won King of the Ring in 1996 and proclaimed Austin 3:16 for the first time. During the interview, he disclosed that he only got that break because Triple H was suspended for taking part in the farewell at Madison Square Garden for the trio that defected to the WCW. After years of being a middle card performer, he was at the top of the food chain with the perfect persona.
His advice for up and coming wrestlers searching for their X Factor: “Don’t pretend to be anything. When I turned into Stone Cold Steve Austin, I just let it all hang out. That’s just me turned up to 10.” What gets him is watching young wrestlers who don’t believe the role forced on them by promoters. He can sense that their hearts and souls aren’t in their performances. And their brains can’t even fake reading the speeches from the WWE’s writers.
When the subject comes up about Shark Boy impersonating Stone Cold on TNA, the original isn’t miffed. “If a guy is able to make a living off a Stone Cold rip-off or spoof, more power to him,” Stone Cold said.
What wrestlers he wished he could have battled; Stone Cold listed, “Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage, Andre the Giant, Harley Race, Jack Brisco and Dusty Rhodes.” Judging from Stone Cold’s ECW promo about his time on WCW (featured on Legacy), the Dusty match would have been good and bloody.
Who is the best wrestler in Stone Cold’s eyes? “Nature Boy Ric Flair is my favorite pro wrestler in the history of the business. Ric Flair has the ability to go out there with an opponent of any talent level and have a five star match,” Stone Cold declared. He said that Hulk Hogan was more showbizzy.
While Stone Cold plans on being at Wrestlemania as a spectator, his career is now focused on acting. He did well in Adam Sandler’s Longest Yard remake and took a starring role in The Condemned. He is slated to appear in two action films in the near future. But he wouldn’t mind getting involved in TV. He mentioned a desire to host a hunting show. Could Versus revive the American Sportsman? I want to see Stone Cold put the stunner on moose.
At the end of the talk, a writer asked Stone Cold that since Chuck Norris was supporting Mike Huckabee, who was he backing for president. “John McCain,” Steve declared. Does this means we’ll be treated to a GOP debate with Walker, Texas Ranger mixing blows with the Texas Rattlesnake?
UNCLE AL RETURNS!
Fans of the original Comedy Channel have fond memories of Night After Night with Allan Havey. Since those days, Havey has done plenty of other shows including Fox’s Free Ride and a great guest appearance on Curb Your Enthusiasm. He also made Brandy cry on Punk’d. Now he’s finally adapting his great nightclub routine about being Uncle Al into a TV show. But instead of being stuck in development hell, Havey’s workshopping Life Lessons with Uncle Al on Youtube.
The premise is an adaptation of Family Affair except without rich Uncle Bill with his lavish Manhattan apartment and Mr. French. These orphaned kids are stuck with Uncle Al. He’s a scam artist and a hustler who has no business being allowed near kids. But he sees moving in with the kids as a perfect chance to keep up his irresponsible ways. It’s a perfect role for Havey.
Two episodes stand out as my favorites. Part 3 has Uncle Al explain to his nephew that he needs to rethink his college education dreams.
Part 9 has the teenage niece confide her sex life with Uncle Al. He gives a response that is not Dr. Phil approved.
It’s great to see Havey and his group use Youtube to expose their undiluted vision before the network suits decimate the concept with their notes. By the time a show like Life Lessons with Uncle Al gets on the TV, they’ll water it down until it becomes the second coming of Uncle Buck: The Series .
PAINT OF GREATNESS
My cousin Bill Gormley went over to the National Portrait Gallery in Washington D.C. to absorb the greatest art exhibit since King Tut. The triple portrait of Stephen Colbert really was hanging up near the bathrooms in the building.
Bill reported that the area around the Colbert was packed with admirers. There were more people trying to get a view of TV’s favorite pundit than in the rest of the gallery. The guards had to keep making paths for the people who actually did have to use the bathroom.
The painting will remain on display until April 1. After that, the National Portrait Gallery will return to obscurity.
COME CLEAN SIMON
Is American Idol shaping up to be the biggest rigged contest on TV since the 21 scandal? The premise of the show is that hundreds of thousands of aspiring singers spend days camped out in football stadiums for that longshot chance to become the next Clay Aiken if Paula, Randy and Simon give them a ticket to Hollywood.
This season has pretty much tossed that myth out the window. American Idol is as “real” as The Hills. While producer Simon Fuller gives us tons of short bio clips about these “unknowns,” the internet is buzzing that he’s packed his show with ringers. Here’s a quick rundown of stuff Fuller has hidden from viewers:
David Archuleta won the junior singer category of ‘Star Search’ in 2003. Joanne Borgella won Mo’Nique’s Fat Chance in 2005. Robbie Carrico was a member of Boyz N Girlz United and dated Britney Spears in 1999. Jason Castro starred as the love interest in the MTV series Cheyenne. David Cook released a solo album, Analog Heart, but it’s no longer for sale at payplay. Kristy Lee Cook was signed by Arista and managed by Britney Spears’ production company. Amy Davis was on 2007’s Nashville Star. Michael Johns fronted a band, The Rising, which was signed to Maverick. Alexandria Lushington performed at the Apollo Theater and competed on Star Search. Syesha Mercado appeared on ABC’s The One: Making a Music Star. Brooke White released an album, Songs From the Attic, in 2005 and opened for Phil Vassar on tour. Jason Yeager was a finalist on the first season of Making the Band.
Was there really an open contestant search or did Fuller cast this season from other reality shows? This is like a VH1 sub-Surreal Life. It’s a miracle he didn’t find a Baldwin brother to be in the final 24. Did these people really audition or were they flown by Fuller to the various locations to look real?
I don’t want to deny any of these people a second chance at stardom, but Fuller needs to come clean. Quit trying to fool the viewers into thinking that these kids have never performed under pressure. One girl performed at the Apollo Theater. Think that crowd is harder to please than Paula? A kid won Star Search, but Fuller wants us to think that an empty stage in Hollywood is overwhelming to him?
The queen of the ringers is the Irish tattooed diva who now goes by Carly Smithson. In 2001 she was Carly Hennessy and released a record, Ultimate High, for MCA. Don’t remember it? The bean counters at MCA do. The label burned $2 million on the album. It sold under 400 copies. What’s very interesting is reports have Randy Jackson working on the project since he was the head of A&R at MCA before getting the fat bucks from American Idol. Dog, that sounds pretty pitchy to me. Fuller wants us to think that she’s this simple Irish girl married to a tattoo faced guy. We’re supposed to feel bad that she lost her big chance in season 5 when she was denied a visa to be on the show. Carly has already had $2 million worth of a shot at stardom. Hasn’t she lived the dream of being a pop star? She even had the same songwriter as Kelly Clarkson and Clay Aiken on the album that cost more than Fleetwood Mac’s Tusk.
If Congress can force football and baseball to swear on the Bible, it’s time those under the Dome to haul Simon Fuller and demand real answers. Where’s Sen. Kennedy demanding to know how Ryan Seacrest can promise viewers “Fresh, untapped talent” and then give us Carly? I don’t know the rules of game shows are in England, but in America we have a very simple one: contestants can’t have a previous relationship with employees of the show. Carly was signed to MCA during Randy Jackson’s tenure. He knows her from those days. If you had a business relationship or friendship with one of the stars on Hollywood Squares, you weren’t allowed to play. If you worked for Alex Trebek on High Rollers, you aren’t allowed to be a contestant on Jeopardy. For Randy to vote on an act that was signed to his label during his tenure at MCA is unethical and must be against the laws that govern TV gameshows.
If this is true, American Idol is a game show fraud. Of course don’t expect to see the FCC and Congress nail the show. Why? Cause Rupert Murdoch owns those D.C. bitches. Maybe next season Randy will have his kids win the show.
DVDs FOR RUNNERS
The writer’s strike is over, but that’s no excuse to give up enjoying DVDs instead of broadcast tripe.
The Fugitive: Season One, Volume 2 continues Dr. Richard Kimble’s search for the one-armed killer. Lt Philip Gerard was given the thankless task of hunting down Kimble. He has slowly come around to thinking that Kimble is innocent of killing his wife, but he can’t let the guy go free. He’s got to bring Kimble in to at least face justice a second time. Like all great TV shows of the ’60s, Bruce Dern appears in “Come Watch Me Die.” Telly Savalas plays a Reno hotel operator in “Where the Action Is.” Did his hotel accepted the Players Club Gold Card? Claude Akins kidnaps a rich man’s son in “Never Stop Running.” Barry Morse, who played Gerard, recently passed away. He did have a thankless role being assigned to bring most innocent man on TV to the electric chair. This second half of the first season keeps the good stories coming.
George of the Jungle: The Complete Series brings together all 17 of the original cartoons along with Tom Slick and Super Chicken. This was the prize of Jay Ward’s animation career. Instead of using the Mexican paint factory, Ward was given the budget to use the animators who did his Cap’n Crunch commercials. George is an extraordinarily dumb apeman. His favorite gorilla is the brains of the operation. Tom Slick is Dudley Do-Right with wheels instead of horse. Super Chicken is great since he gets his amazing powers from mixing up cocktails. Now that’s a Saturday morning cartoon worthy of adult viewing. They also have the original pilot as a bonus feature. Can Classic Media please now come out with the final set of Rocky and Bullwinkle adventures?
The Equalizer: Season One is proving to be a hardcore laugh around the house. How did Edward Woodward keep a straight face during his fight scenes? This is beautiful ’80s cheese. He’s a retired superspy who has put a personal ad in the paper offering his services to help out people. Each week he kicks another loser’s ass as penance for all the sins he’s done around the world as a spook. Don’t watch this without a gin and tonic.
REDRAW DREW
Drew Carey has been hosting The Price Is Right for a few months so it’s time to give him an evaluation. No need to jump on a guy in the first week as he attempts to find his spots on the floor. Now that Drew knows his way around the Bob Barker soundstage, he deserves a critique.
The verdict: He’s extraordinarily the wrong man for the thin microphone. He is not a game show animal even though he’s hosted three of them. He’s perfunctory at best. He’s pathetic at worse. He has only one expression that covers his face. He has only one tone to his voice. He’s the definition of one note. Half of the games just crumble away towards the end as he stumbles to wrap things up. He has zero ability to build suspense. He won’t let contestants sweat.
He needs to understand that he doesn’t have to give away every prize. The simple fact is that when the announcer calls their name, a contestant has already been made a winner. The cars and the living room sets are gravy. The audience at home won’t feel cheated if people lose. This is The Price Is Right and not Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Drew needs to tease the animals. He doesn’t need to be extra cruel to them like a DMV employee. They act like Drew’s going to give them the trip to Las Vegas either way. If Drew needs a role model, think of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka.
Even after all these weeks, Carey seems like he’s been rushed in as a substitute host rather than anointed the new host. Is his name on the dressing room door written in masking tape? Having the folks say, “Alakazam” before exposing the winning price isn’t cutting it, Drew. Don’t leave it up to luck. Make these people fear that it’s their choice to win or go head to the Showcase Showdown as the first spinner. Play upon their fears that their friends steered them wrong. Or they’ve been shopping in the wrong stores. Don’t be their best friend. Be the host of the show!
Drew’s inability to register any expression on his face besides his goofy grin also hurts the show. He might have made millions with those birth control glasses and buzz cut, but they’re doing too much of the heavy work. A husky guy wearing a Drew Carey mask can do Drew’s job.
The also need to get him out of black suits. Since the show isn’t in HD, he nearly blots out half the screen when he turns. He’s a walking black hole. Go bright! This is a game show, not a funeral service. Make Drew look like he’s really having fun on the show. Quit shopping in the Alfred Hitchcock section of Botany 500. The suits worked on Barker because he was an old man. Stick Drew in freakish sports jackets that makes people stare at the patterns. Dare to flaunt design.
Drew also needs to interact more with the women formerly known as Barker’s Beauties. Who are these women? Or is this an order from his fiancée that he needs to quit staring at their racks as they show off a diamond necklace?
Drew Carey needs to understand that at this point The Price Is Right survives in spite of him. He needs to bring more game to the show instead of just sleepwalking through the hour.
PG-13 TUDORS
Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman promoting The Other Boleyn Girl is pretty funny. Three times I’ve heard reporters try to describe this twisted romance about the ladies of Henry VIII. They mention Desperate Housewives, Dynasty and a few other shows, but none dare utter Showtime’s The Tudors. Why not speak the obvious comparison? Am I to believe the producers of NBC’s Today Show only have access to HBO?
Does uber-producer Scott Rudin force the media interviewing the Boleyn girls to sign an agreement to not cross-promote that other show that dares to give a steamy interpretation of the sultry English monarch? Does he think that nobody will compare Eric Bana to John Rhys Meyers? Who looks better on the throne: The Hulk or Elvis?
While the trailer looks juicy with plenty of dorsal nudity and lips on neck action, The Other Boleyn Girl racked up a quaint PG-13. This means neither Scarlett or Natalie is going to equal the carnal Boleyn performance of Natalie Dormer on The Tudors. That woman knows how to make her King think he’s worthy of running a religion since she gives good worship. If Scarlett and Natalie approached the role like Dormer, plenty of guys would be buying season tickets to the film.
Fans of The Tudors that skipped English history might want to avoid The Other Boleyn Girl until the relationship between Henry VIII and Boleyn sisters is resolved on the TV series. Will Scott Rudin use that blurb on the New York Times ad. Perhaps he should have a big “SPOILER ALERT!” before the opening credits?
Comments: 2 Comments
2 Responses to “Party Favors: Stone Cold”Leave a Reply |
February 28th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
The Tudors has a lot to be desired in historic fact, but it is so gorgeously done…I find it a “guilty pleasure”. Natalie Dormer is brilliant as Anne. I am not a big fan or Portman or Johansson and seeing the trailer for the “Other Boleyn Girl”, I am NOT impressed one iota.
March 11th, 2008 at 4:12 am
The Tudors on Showtime is excellent, albeit its modern take of the costume design. Many words spoken comes straight out of historical sources. Natalie Dormer, oh my god, what an actress! She can play ANNE BOLEYN. She has done her research, she makes Anne Boleyn sexy, manipulative, loving, tender, human, and afraid of her fate all at the same time. You can see the complexity in her performance. And she has done little things to make the connection to Elizabeth by borrowing from previous Elizabeth movies.
Now Natalie Portman, as much as I liked her in Garden State, The Professional, Where the Heart Is, and Anywhere by here, by playing the role of Anne Boleyn, she has made a complete jackass of herself. She has proven to the whole world who knows film acting history (Anne Boleyn has been played by such highly acclaimed British actresses like Dorothy Tutin, Charlotte Rampling, Vanessa Redgrave, Merle Oberon and talented Canadian actress Genevieve Bujold) and knows real talent when they see it that she just doesn’t have it. Natalie nor Scarlett has no acting chops nor range whatsoever and CAN’T DO THE BRITISH ACCENT WELL. VERY disappointing and looks like she or both are all for the money and not interested in growing and improving in her craft. No Julia Roberts, Jodie Foster, Meryl Streep here. Overrated actresses, especially Natalie.