DETROIT – Augie called on Thursday afternoon to cancel out on attending the Norman Taurog film festival. He didn’t have his usual family emergency excuse which normally meant his ex-girlfriend was drunk and horny. This time he bailed because of band practice.
Never had Augie talked about playing music. This was a surprise. Not only was he in a band, but they had three gigs already lined up. His combo had to get extra tight so they could be impressive at the battle of the bands. He was curious about getting tour t-shirts made since that’s where the money is in the biz. He had big plans for Goldenrod.
I gave him the classic advice to make never sign away their publishing to wannabe managers. That’s how those record weasels rip you off. Pack your own rubbers cause they don’t call them skanks as sign of respect. He laughed. I asked where they’re playing and what time do they go on. It’s always good to support your local music scene. Augie wasn’t sure about the time. He was nervous because the first venue was Playstation 3 and all their gear is X-Box 360. What?
His group wasn’t a true rock band, but four people playing the Rock Band video game. He was bailing on me so he could practice a video game. We’re taking practice. I had to crank out the Allen Iverson: “I mean listen, we’re sitting here talking about practice, not a game, not a game, not a game, but we’re talking about practice.” Augie and three other dweebs were practicing pressing buttons on fake instruments. There would be no blistering solo riffing. They’d be typing. Even Kraftwerk wouldn’t consider this being in a band. Goldenrod didn’t need tour t-shirts, but the duct tape of reality to rip the denial off their eyes.
My old band opened up for the Flaming Lips. While it doesn’t make me a rock star, it does link me to Beverly Hills 90210. When you’re in a group, it’s all about duct tape, 9V batteries and deli trays — Not orange slices and rebooting. We rocked the world with instruments that made noise. We rocked out. This Rock Band seems to be four people playing that old Simon game except they want an audience to cheer them on. And the want adoration not merely because they are amazing at playing a video game, but that they are somehow rockin’ the world like The Strokes. After a little research, it seems that Augie isn’t the first guy with a Rock Band group that wants to sell t-shirts as if they’re the second coming of Super Tramp. There’s tons of faux-bands lurking in the rumpus rooms across America. I haven’t seen this much detachment from reality since Rob & Fab thought they were responsible for Milli Vanilli’s sound. If you want to play Rock Band, go ahead. But don’t act like you’re in a real rock band. Until you wake up in a puddle of vomit on the bathroom floor with a needle stuck in your vein and contemplating suicide, you aren’t in a band.
After playing Super Mario Brothers, I didn’t get business cards declaring myself an Italian Plumber. Did my friends believe that I captured giant gorillas that abduct royalty? Although after catching a severe case of Pac-Man Fever, I was banned from West Roxbury’s Osco Drugstore for tossing an open bottle of Geritol and eating the pills off the floor. Wakkka Wakkka Wakkkka.
If Guitar Hero is a wankfest, than Rock Band is a circle jerk. MTV games ought to include a jumbo jar of mayonnaise in the box. (Ask any former-McDonald’s employee about “special sauce” night.) When will we be overwhelmed with commercials for the latest “cool” fake disease: ADD 2.0? They must market pills to treat Adult Dork Disorder. They could hire Placebo to create the jingle.
A simple test to know if you suffer from ADD 2.0 is to buy the DVD for The King of Kong. If you envy the lives of Billy Mitchell, Brian Kuh, Steve Wiebe or Walter Day, you are afflicted. If you wish you could ignore a child’s plea for an ass wiping to keep Mario leaping over barrels, you have ADD 2.0.
The documentary exposes the ugly world of video arcade high scores. For over 20 years Billy Mitchell held the record for the greatest Donkey Kong game. But then out of a garage in Washington came Steve Wiebe’s score that destroyed Mitchell’s plateau. But nothing is simple as Billy’s longtime pals attempt to discredit Wiebe. They even resort to breaking into his house and taking his Donkey Kong game apart to see if he doctored the parts. Why exactly didn’t they get hauled off by the cops? These people are in their own universe and frighten me.
There’s tons of drama and bitchiness. It’s amazing how these people love to remember a time when hundreds would hover around an arcade to see amazing scores. Most of the kids I know that hung out at the video arcade did it to score smokes from the change guy and practice to be hoodlums. The bonus features on the DVD let us know that Billy Mitchell is not happy with how he came off in the edit. He’s a major prick during the 78 minutes. The scene where he tries to distract Steve’s record attempt by parading his busty wife past the machine is gold. This is the perfect geek out movie if you don’t feel like enduring your pals Rock Band faux show.
They strange news is that The King of Kong is being turned into a fictional movie. Why? Do they not remember what happened when Dogtown and the Z-Boys was dramatically transformed into Lords of Dogtown? How can Hollywood recreate the perfect hair of Billy Mitchell? They’ll cast Josh Brolin as Billy and call it No Country For Old Marios. Or if they go younger with Paul Dano in There Will Be Quarters.
LOST IN TRANSLATION
For the Harvard Square showing of There Will Be Blood, Daniel Day Lewis declares, “I drink your frappe!”
GOOD GAMES
While pretending to be a rock star via a video game is lame, I’m fully supportive of concept that boxing on Wii is a great cardio work out. After knocking out six opponents, I was a dripping ball of sweat. My hosts sent me off to the shower before they would let me sit on the sofa. I’m tempted to get a tattoo on my face to get some Mike Tyson respect.
While it’s not the same as getting your jaw knocked around the ring, my arms were sore from all the punches I gave those cyber pugilists. Next on the “to play” list is the Godzilla game. My claws want to tear apart Tokyo.
NEW SPRING FASHION?
While hanging out with pals and their newborn baby, I’m stuck by the thought: Why don’t they make Onesies in adult sizes? It’s the perfect summer wear. You just snap on your “shirt/shorts” and hit the party circuit with Paris, Sean Combs and Ms. Lohan. Time to call up my man in Hong Kong to get Party Favors back in the fashion industry. In a few months you’ll see Bea Arthur and Ned Beatty shaking their groove things in the Hamptons in their Onesies. Wonder if we can get Mickey Rourke as our spokesmodel?
Marc Jacobs better not steal this idea or I’ll brand an asterisk on his rawhide.
HOW THE GAME ENDS
Not to spoil the finale of The Wire, but I’m predicting the series will end with Baltimore in burning ruins and the only survivors being John Waters and the crew from Ace of Cakes. If Marlo has Chris and Snoop pay a midnight visit to Peter Angelos, he’ll be a hero in Charm City.
DVD SHELF TIME
The writer’s strike has kept the DVD player whirring during prime time. Thankfully there’s plenty of fresh stuff to explore when The Wire, Nip/Tuck and No Reservations isn’t scheduled.
This American Life is further proof that Showtime is beating HBO in developing exciting new shows. This is a video version of the NPR show hosted by Ira Glass. Each of the six episodes on This American Life: Season One‘s DVD focuses on various life stories. This the smoothest transition from radio to TV since Jack Benny went from aural to visual. Glass takes his desk into strange terrain in order to set the mood. It’s like how John Cleese opened Monty Python’s Flying Circus. The visual element of the show is top notch. These are more than Real People reports. Even though most of the stories are about people, my favorite two are about animals. One deals with a prized bull that was cloned. Turns out that the “son” might look like his dad, but he doesn’t share the same temperament. There’s a dramatic rush to the hospital when things go extremely wrong. The second best segment has a camera crew visit a modern hog farm. This had even me a bit disgusted at what science has wrought. Not that I’m giving up pork, but I now appreciate devouring mud raised pigs. This American Life: Season One is only available at Borders bookstores. Which makes sense since people who listen to the radio show probably read books.
Family Ties: The Third Season is best known as that period when Michael J. Fox was pulling double duty as Alex P. Keaton by day and Marty McFly at night. Luckily the show was shot on videotape so you can’t see his bleary eyes from his hours on Back the Future. This season provides the surprise of a baby on the way. Most of the season features the swelling Meredith Baxter Birney along with her popping out Andrew Keaton. This would be the final season for Tina Yothers to play the cute youngest child. Meredith looks extra sexy when she goes nuts at an Atlantic City casino.
Walker Texas Ranger: The Fourth Season reminds us what justice will look like when Mike Huckabee wins the presidential election. Chuck Norris will become the Secretary of Law and Order and Asswaxing in 2008. This season he goes undercover in “El Coyote” to stop illegal immigration. He snuffs out the drug trade in “Deep Cover.” Walker even deals with underbelly of high school athletics on “Point After.” This isn’t merely a TV show, this boxset is Chuck Norris’ vision for America. He’s dishing out his credentials with ever round house kick. Besides national issues, “The Avenger” has major buttkicking when the brother of an illegal arms deal sends an army of martial artists after Norris. As long as one of them isn’t Bruce Lee, how dare they think they can stop Walker!
Oswald’s Ghost is an investigation of JFK’s assassin from PBS’s American Experience series. For those who are new to the subject of Kennedy conspiracy theories, this is a concise and informative documentary. They dug up plenty of vintage footage to give a sense of what it was like as the presidential motorcade cruised through Dallas. There’s plenty of time spent exploring the cottage industry that has sprung up to exploit the various conspiracy theories. Too many people think that either Oswald was part of a group or a major patsy. The late Norman Mailer explains why he thinks that Oswald was the solo shooter, but couldn’t admit to his crime when he was abducted. Oswald’s Ghost debunks Oliver Stone’s JFK by point out Jimmy Garrison’s codecracking skills.
If you’re looking for a great series from the ’80s, Sledge Hammer! is perfect for Night Owl viewing. The show is about a cop who think Dirty Harry was a training film. David Rasche is hilarious as Sledge Hammer when he has tender moments with his .44 Magnum. Even though it was stuck against Miami Vice and Dallas, Sledge Hammer! lasted two years which is more than Police Squad. Both seasons are out on DVD. If you hunt around, you can often find them as part of a buy one get one free deal.
For hockey fans, I recommend The Rocket (Palm Pictures), a biopic about the great Montreal Canadians player Maurice “The Rocket Richard.” The film has an amazing cold feeling to the images. You might want to break out a sweater and a couple wool blankets before you hit play on the DVD. I almost got frost bite during the outdoor hockey rink action. Roy Dupuis brings out the beauty and brutality in Richard’s game. The Rocket was old school hockey in his ability to take control of the game with amazing stick play and grace on blades. Plus he could drop his gloves and beat the crap out of anyone. Imagine Wayne Gretzky with a right hook. Richard didn’t need a private enforcer. The ratings explanation warns of “historic smoking throughout.” Does this mean soon we’ll have people making money as “historical smoking consultants” on films?
GORILLA FOR SALE
Allan Melvin recently transferred into syndication heaven. While most of the world remembers him as Sam the Butcher (brother of Abdullah the Butcher), around the Party Favors World Headquarters, Melvin is beloved as the voice of Magilla Gorilla. He was also the voice of Drooper on the Banana Splits. His was great on military comedies. He was part of Sgt. Bilko’s crew and Sgt. Carter’s nemesis on Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. We’ll think of Melvin every time we put a T-Bone on the grill. Why wasn’t he honored by the Kennedy Center?
Also it saddens us that Suzanne Pleshette won’t be greeting us at the door of a Chicago apartment. Pleshette seemed like the kinda woman that had a fun, saucy streak. Hopefully the folks at Fox will release the final two seasons The Bob Newhart Show. Her legacy must be preserved.
OOH THAT CHIN HAIR
Is Britney’s new scummy man, Adnan Ghalib, going to make the Brazilian wax popular as the new beard style? Are all the cool kids growing ’em? If Adnan stood on his head and spoke, you’d think he was auditioning to be a new Vivid girl. After watching previews of Adnan’s Entertainment Tonight exclusive interview, there’s no need to discuss “What’s Britney thinking?” How can we talk brain power with a woman who has been out thought by KFed? It’s a miracle she can get the chips out of a can of Pringles.
Now that the new campaign slogan is “Your Vegas Is Showing,” you really should get a fresh waxing before flying into Nevada.
AMERICAN ROLES FOR AMERICANS?
Are we out of American actors for TV shows? It was bad enough when all those Canadians snuck onto the screen in the 20th century. We thought Lorne Greene and Michael J. Fox were like us, but they eventually showed their 55 yard line loyalty. We ultimately accepted them since Canada is the 51st state. But now we’re being overwhelmed with too many network shows that have folks from across the ocean pretending to be us. With Eli Stone on ABC, everyone in Trainspotting now has a network deal. Even the mechanical baby that walked on the ceiling has a CW series in development.
Are we supposed to believe that the latest batch of English dramas star the cast of American History X?
This is a national emergency. The Department of Education needs to go into overdrive to get acting schools to produce a finer grade of native thespian. We once put an American on the moon, can we at least get true a American back on the dial at 8 p.m.?
TROJAN TROUBLE
According to my Magic-8 Ball, the USC Trojans will be hit with major penalties this summer thanks to Reggie Bush’s time as a student-athlete-ATM. The school shall receive a Michigan basketball bitchslap vs. the SMU shut down. All of Reggie Bush’s games will be taken off the record books. The BCS will pile onto the ugliness. USC will have to hand back the hardware accumulated during his three seasons including the BSC trophy. The student bookstore will no longer be able to sell their National Champions t-shirts with those years included. The major hurt will be when the organizations demand the return of the BCS bowl money for the three prime games that featured Bush. There will be fireworks over a penalty check that totals more than $40 million.
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