WILMINGTON, DELAWARE – Did you know your DVDs might be getting ruined by their plastic storage cases? They’re not completely safe on the shelf. While you sleep, your beloved shiny discs could be clouding up.
For creepy and scientific reasons, a residue has been found growing on DVDs secured in clear plastic slim cases. Why? Nobody has a definitive answer. While I can’t find any industry articles discussing this latest ugliness, I can assure you this is real and not an internet rumor. I’m a victim of this crap. I have a Hogan’s Heroes: The Second Season that looks like a Bob Guccione camera lens after a Pet of the Year photo shoot. A strange Vaseline-like smudge splotches the shiny side of the DVD.
The good news is that nobody has reported this residue rendering their DVDs unplayable. So don’t completely panic. Since this is residue on the outside of the plastic, people have reported being able to clean it away with 97% alcohol. But no one is sure if there is a critical exposure time to this residue that will make a permanent bond with the surface of the DVD. Or if it will eventually render your DVD to beer coasters. Remember that this is not a case of disc rot or clouding inside the DVD from a poor sealing job.
Where is the residue coming from?
From most reports the culprits of this catastrophe are clear plastic slim cases that have an oily feel. The first warnings on hometheaterforum dealt with people finding this residue linked to Scanavo’s clear slim cases that hold two DVDs. You could immediately know they were Scanavo since the company’s name was inside the box. They also have a nasty hubs that seem to shred the plastic off the hole in your DVD. There have been reports of the residue growing on DVDs in clear cases not manufactured by Scanavo.
What all these cases have in common is the oily feel. Some theorize that residue is from this oily plastic being so close to the playing surface of the DVDs. Having flunked organic chemistry while majoring in textiles, it is my expert opinion that plastics are evil and unpredictable. They’ll do unforeseen things after being extruded and exposed to an environment outside a sterile and climate control lab. They don’t breakdown in a conventional biodegradable manner, but they’ll convert into dangerous polymers. This would explain the residue transfer from case to DVD surface.
What’s curious is that the black double DVD slim cases in my collection do not affect the DVDs in the same way. My first season of Futurama has the issue. The first season of King of the Hill that’s in black plastic is pristine.
A few people think that the residue is prompted by humidity levels. While this may be true, it’s a pain in the ass for those of us who don’t want to turn our house into the baseball storage space at Coors Field. The best thing you can do if you discover the residue issue is to remove your DVD from the clear plastic slim cases. My collection has gone into paper envelopes to be stored in faux library card catalog cabinets.
Titles in my collection that were afflicted by residue include Bewitched, I Dream of Jeanie, Hazel, Titus, Perry Mason, Hawaii Five-0, The Jerry Lewis Collection, Gomer Pyle & Futurama. Others have reported Have Gun Will Travel.
When these slim DVD cases that held 2 DVDs were first introduced, I applauded them. Anything that allows four DVDs to fit in the space of a single old black box was a major relief for my packed video cabinet. How was I to know this advance would become the DVDs equivalent of Eastman Color in the world of 35mm films? Luckily at this moment, you can clean up your DVDs and put them in a safer environment. There’s no cure for red shifting.
Please don’t completely panic. It will do you good to inspect your collection and take action. Just because you have them tucked safely on the shelf doesn’t mean they’re going to be playable forever or for the next few years. Beware of the residue.
PARTY VIDEO
If you get a party started right, head over to youtube and bring up the Yatta video. If Frankie Goes to Hollywood and the Village People were stranded on the Island of Dr. Moreau, they’d be transformed in Yatta. The group features six Japanese guys wearing diapers with leaves on the front. Their Japanglish lyrics to “Swedish Leaves” helped me set the clock on my VCR.
LET ME SEE RICHARD DAWSON
All Star Family Feud is this winter’s “Cheese Doodle” DVD award. You just can’t stop watching no matter how orange your fingers get. Fans of TV from three decades ago will binge on these four DVDs until they hit the final episode. Why? Because it’s got Richard Dawson kissing Richard Deacon! It reminds us that Jeff Altman was considered a cast member of The Dukes of Hazzard. It reunited Peter Lupus and Greg Morris from Mission: Impossible. It lets us know who would win in a battle between Family versus Eight Is Enough. Plus they have Batman versus Batgirl when Adam West stares down Yvonne Craig. Heather Locklear bumps up against Heather Thomas!
This is the greatest fix a TV junky could ever crave. The source video is rough in places, but the historic nature of these battles shine through the glitches. They even have Bowser from Sha-Na-Na. Bowser!
Plus it’s educational. Did you know that Richard Deacon wrote a microwave cookbook? Lumpy Rutherford’s dad was an atomic chef. You can still find used copies on amazon.
HOWARD-MANIA
Howard Cosell has been sneaking back from the grave thanks to DVDs. The Bronx Is Burning: World Championship Limited Edition has a bonus disc with ABC’s original coverage of the 1977 World Series with Howard and Keith Jackson in the booth. Those two knew how to sport a mustard blazer. While they have highlights of the games, they also include the complete Game Six broadcast. Howard was so much better behind the microphone than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. I was wrong to hate Howard. He might have been a loudmouth, but he was entertaining.
Howard also knew how to play himself on TV. The Odd Couple: The Third Season has entire episode dedicated to him. “Big Mouth” has Howard in a jerk-off with Oscar Madison. It’s rare to see a personality hang with Jack Klugman, but Howard pulled it off. Also this boxset features football superstars Bubba Smith and Deacon Jones.
Sadly there is no cameo of Howard on Hawaii Five-O: The Third Season. Who would win in a battle of Jack Lord and Cosell? Imagine their hair in the tropical breeze. There are other reasons to enjoy this season of island justice. The episode “The Late John Lousiana” should be ripped off for a film. A hitman falls for his target and they secretly get married after he fakes her death so he can collect the bounty as a wedding present. There’s a nasty piece of trivia going around that Jack Lord never said, “Book ’em, Danno” on the show. While Bogart never said, “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca, Jack Lord decreed “Book ’em, Danno” on several occasions in the Third Season boxset.
PUMPED DOWN
In a cable universe that gives us Ninja Warrior and Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, the revival of American Gladiators is pathetic. We get to watch semi-normal people take on the Gladiators as Hulk Hogan does his normal rants. That’s entertainment?
The producers appear to have lifted a few obstacles from Ninja Warrior. They put the obstacles over water like Ninja Warrior. But there’s no Nagano in the contestant pool.
Congress is nuts about steroids in baseball. Mark McGwire gets denied entry into the Hall of Fame. But NBC has no problem making a buck off the folks that “spotted” Barry Bonds at the BALCO gym. Did NBC-Universal test Wolf and Hellga to make sure they pee pure? What are the odds we’ll be seeing Hellga in the tabloids as the new Chyna? The network didn’t do too many background checks since it was exposed that Militia posed naked in solo pics for a gay porn site. Is how the network discovers their new talent? Ever wonder how NBC talent scouted Carson Daly and Billy Bush? Visit greasedanchorstuds.com to see NBC’s Stars of Tomorrow. Hulk Hogan didn’t get his body from merely eating his vegetables and saying his prayers, brotha! Get the Roids out of NBC-Universal. And this means no more free HGH for Bob Costas.
You want to put real fear in the competitors, let them know that the losers will be driven home by Nick Hogan. When will we get a true version of Ninja Warriors in America? Bet Titan couldn’t match Nagno.
HE’D PUT AN END TO IT
Why did Vern Schillinger let his 16 year old daughter get knocked up? Seeing how Vern already snuffed his other offspring on Oz; what kept him from making Juno disappear? Is Vern turning into a softie? Where’s the parental evil?
ARGH
The worst film of 2007 was Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. If only the camera truck had fallen off the end of the world and plummeted into the abyss, we’d all be better off. Maybe there were crappier films, but none were as completely disappointing and made me sit through two crappy films. While Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl ran long, it was mostly entertaining. Johnny Depp nailed his Keith Richards pirate act. He earned his Oscar nomination.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest ended without an ending. Was it a good film? Was it a bad film? What did we see for two and a half hours? It was like the last two Matrix films and Kill Bill. How can you truly know if you’ve seen a good movie until you see both movies? Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End was nearly three hours long. This means that Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer had over five hours of screen time on these films. When it was over, it wasn’t an epic. It was septic. This was like taking the hottest girl in high school to the prom. You’re extra patient and behaved the entire night in hopes of a kiss. As Donna Summer’s “Last Dance” plays, you discover her in the janitor closet blowing the chauffeur – and he still expects a tip for the ride.
Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow became more annoying than conniving. They kept having multiple Sparrows on the screen to exponentially increase the suck. Why couldn’t everyone die at the end of the film? What prevented the guy at the lab from pouring acid onto the negative instead of fixer?
After these two Pirate films, Depp needs to return his Oscar nomination. Perhaps during the ceremony, he should be forced to walk a plank into the orchestra pit. His ultimate punishment is to co-star in a buddy cop film with Dane Cook.
THAT YOU, LOUIE?
Louis C.K. refused my invitation to lunch while he was performing in my neighborhood during New Year’s Eve. I was even going to pick up the check. But no dice. He needed more time to fine tune his material for an upcoming HBO special where Rick Baker will transform him into Dane Cook. This means there’s no inside scoop on Pootie Tang 2. No insight into love scenes with the voice of Bobby Hill. And zero reflections on seeing his full head of hair on the early Dr. Katz cartoons. The free lunch if off the table, Louis C.K. You’ll be lucky to get a Fresca from the Party Favors petty cash fund.
Coincidentally, the petty cash fund is funded by selling vintage Tom Petty 8-tracks on ebay.
KICKIN’ FOREVER
What sport has the shortest off-season: Hockey, NASCAR, Tennis, Golf or Soccer? It’s early January and there’s fresh soccer on the Fox Soccer Channel. Wonder why there’s not as many soccer fans in America? Cause we’re all about “wait till next season!” But when there’s no real off-season, what’s the point of waiting? The games just keep coming and they keep having weird exhibitions and tournaments and friendlies during the season. It’s on par with your neighborhood Wiffleball league.
Soccer needs to quit letting the sponsor’s name dominate their shirt. The casual fan in a noisy bar stares at the game on a TV and can’t match the teams with players. Why not call them the Manchester AIGs? Or the LA Herbalife? Make it simple for the less-than devoted.
I do like seeing soccer fans hurl smoke bombs on the field. Whenever I go to a sporting event in America, I get probed as if I’m Osama Bin Party with IEVodkas tucked in my ass. In England, you can waltz into a soccer stadium with road flares in your mouth as long as you’re wearing your team scarf.
AWARD WINNER RESPONDS!
After naming Patrick Warburton the King of TV Comedy for 2007, he actually sent the Party Favors an acceptance e-mail.
Warburton wrote, “Thanks bro, that was a riot! Happy holidays!”
Take that Golden Globes and People’s Choice Awards. We got stars accepting their cyber hardware.
Now who were the other stars of 2007 according to this column?
Who was the biggest movie star of the year? Jason Lee wins the prize. How did Underdog not completely dog out at the box office? Who isn’t shocked that Alvin and the Chipmunks might make $200 million? The mark of a true movie star isn’t being good in a great film, but carrying a complete turd into box office nirvana. Jason Lee is the new Tom Cruise.
The Most Beautiful Film of the Year goes to Once. While it’s not a perfect film, it’s so damn charming with great musical performances that these Broadway adaptations can’t touch. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova timidly duet on “Falling Slowly” in the music store is cinema magic. It’s what an emotional music moment should achieve. If you’re on a date watching Once, and your companion doesn’t impulsively kiss you at the end of that scene, dump ’em. They’re androids. What’s extra thrilling is this is a film about a musician that avoids turning into an episode VH1 Behind the Music. Glen has woman problems. He’s fixing vacuums and playing his guitar in the street. But he’s not strung out on smack or killing a bandmate in a drunk driving accident. It’s a nice film about people who sing. It restored my faith that you can make a musical without it turning into Disney Broadway Bound Production. When watching it on DVD, you might want to turn on the English captions so you can figure out what the extreme Irish characters are saying.
DVD of the year is a tie between Idiocracy and Caligula (Three Disc Imperial Edition). Idiocracy dares to probe what will happen to America if we continue on a path of letting the Freakshow from Madison Avenue dictate our culture. Caligula reminds us of how naughty Helen Mirren can be. The fact that she did a commentary track for this film shows she’s not as prudish as Queen Elizabeth. Malcolm McDowell’s commentary track explains how this project went out of control. An alternate cut of the film is much better than the theatrical although it lacks the hardcore moments.
BOURDAIN IS BACK
Talk about twice the travel treats each week. Anthony Bourdain returns with a fresh batch of No Reservations on the Travel Channel. The man knows how to find the good eating around the globe. I’m ready to book a trip to Singapore to eat at the hotel’s buffet. Also the Food Network is rerunning his Cook’s Tour series that ran at the dawn of the 21st Century. After all the trash talking Bourdain has done about the Food Network’s programming, the channel has resurrected his show to keep the ladies drooling every Tuesday at 10:30 p.m.
Bourdain is the only travel show host that I’d care to bump into on vacation. Cause you know if you’re cool around him, he’s going to show you best dinner spot and get you liquored up.
In a sad food story, the Underground is no more. The greatest place to eat in Raleigh has shut down and we’re orphans looking for a new place to truly dine. The final meal I ordered there was a rabbit loin wrapped around collards and bacon. It was divine and only cost $9. We’ve tried a few places with similar approaches, but none have given us Foodgasms. We’re close to hibernating until Chef Daniel Taylor opens a new restaurant that delivers the goodness.
GET ‘EM OFF THE FLOOR
Why is BBCAmerica running repeats of the American version of Dancing with the Stars? The whole point of this channel is to let us poor uncultured souls in the states get a glimpse of British entertainment. But now they’re feeding us back Master P in his dancing sneakers. This is an outrage! Why don’t they just start showing reruns of Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas? Those shows were popular in England. This is a disgrace and further proof that the Boston Tea Party was a good thing.
GIMME A FIX
How dare Dr. Drew refuse to check me into Celebrity Rehab. Doesn’t he understand that addiction to Sudoku is serious? I’m a prisoner to numbers and boxes! I can be an emotional trainwreck like a lost Baldwin brother. Cure me of this sickness, Dr. Drew!
What is the point of curing Mary Carey of her sex addiction? What else does she have to offer the world of showbiz? Would you want to fix Harvey Keitel’s accent? Would Dr. Drew remove Mel Tillis’ stutter? Would he make that kid from High School Musical macho? If this woman goes on the saltpeter diet, she’s screwed out of her career. Nobody fast forwards through a Mary Carey video to get to the emoting. Will being cured of her libido make her the perfect candidate for California governor? She needs to stop getting liquored up like Foster Brook’s designated driver, but for the sake of the children, keep her horny.
In order to cure these celebrities, Dr. Drew needs to use a few of the techniques developed at the Party Favors Rehab Center and Hardcore Fighting Academy. Remove the cameras from their faces. If you must film them, do it through those spy mirrors so they don’t play to the cameras. They need to be purified of airtime. Make them abstain from TMZ coverage. Remind them that the tabloids should not be used as a substitute for a family photo album. Make them pay for their drinks. Nothing sobers up a star faster than having to pay $15 for a Bud at ReTox.
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