Instead of putting off and putting off and putting off my vow to somehow market my first book I am letting people download my first book for free. Give it a preview or read the whole thing for free. Download and read my “Thank You, Goodnight” right HERE.
Some stray thoughts as I head into this week’s column:
A) I saw CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR and JUNO last week.
First, CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR. I’m not really here to give a review but I can’t help but to try and seek some kind of understanding from people smarter than myself for why this movie is even being mentioned as an Oscar contender.
It wasn’t so much the question of the irresistible force versus the immovable object, Tom Hanks’ and Philip Seymour Hoffman’s performances versus Julia Roberts’ forehead, but the movie lacked any clear dramatic thrust. Here you had a notorious Lothario who just happened to get involved with a cause that moved him to step out of his comfort zone for a bit. What the problem was for me, then, was Hanks’ detachment from the situation. He pulled some strings, stumped a little bit and stomped his feet; there wasn’t anything really at stake for a man who just wanted to keep getting re-elected term after term.
I’m also a little pissed that this movie took a “no comment” stance regarding how this Afghan/Soviet war gave rise to someone who was going to take his training and turn it back around on his handlers: Osama bin Laden. Um, this was kind of a big deal and to kind of relegate it to “whatever” territory in the final draft of this movie is a bit of an insult to everyone’s intelligences.
How it could have been improved: Make this movie all about Philip Seymour Hoffman. The movie would have proved to have been a much more enjoyable experience if it solely focused on what was at stake for this goofy, intelligent and snap-mouthed man named Gust. He’s obviously been having a stellar year with THE SAVAGES, CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR and BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOUR DEAD. His could have been the story that had some weight to it. Unfortunately, we’re treated to something that you can’t help but feel underwhelmed by at the end.
Secondly, JUNO. One thing about the backlash which I hope happens against Diablo Cody (For the love of Christ, your name is Brook. Unless you go back to throwing panties at my face in the same strip joint where you slung your milk jugs around for a wad of Washingtons your name is Brook) it should only extend into the questioning as to why the witty pitter-patter between the characters in the movie, namely out of Ellen Page’s mouth, is seen for what it is: bullshit. I don’t know any emo kid who talks like that unless instructed to do so by a Hollywood screenwriter and, as Rainn Wilson showed, I have never heard a register jockey working at the local 5 and dime have such cutesy patois at his disposal. In fact, I would dare any of you to find anything to like about that miserable twat for the first half of the film. She needed Allison Janney to apply the backhand of justice across that sour face of hers, that much I can say. However, and this is a big however, the movie eventually settles down and then deserves the adulation it’s getting from a lot of people. You can’t help but love Michael Cera and Ellen by the end of this thing and, for that, I think Brook is a brilliant screenwriter. Huzzah.
B) American Gladiators. I love this show and It’s everything Bill Hicks said was wrong with America. I think this show is a little heavy on the theatrics, I wish I could talk to someone who produces this show to tell them how much I appreciate having something like this as I hammer out my column but I am all about loving seeing normal people get all sorts of whoop-assed in the ultimate homage to reality/scripted television.
C) HORRORS OF WAR. I was looking for HOME ALONE for my 4 year-old as we planned our New Year’s evening and about where the H’s were all sort of mish-mashed together I saw the cover art for what looked like a pretty sweet rental: it had the visage of Hitler, some flags donning swastikas and a pack of the undead. I don’t know what caused me to pick it up, I usually laugh at the direct-to-DVD fare that litters the gutters of that place, Antonio Sabato Jr. and Tom Selleck have obviously made it a cottage industry, but I was absolutely thrilled beyond words when I saw my pull-quote from a column I did almost two years ago:
“Nothing says “wicked awesome†better than paring a WWII movie and Nazi zombies together in one film.”
It filled me with the kind of joy only reserved for late night rendezvous with the wife but, in an honest sense, it was like a little bit of validation for all the people who have knocked on my e-mail box looking for a little exposure inside this column. Sure, these filmmakers go elsewhere as well to get as many people to look at their film but it was just nice to see my words printed on a little DVD box. Hell, I wasn’t even quoted by name but by the site but I am honored nonetheless.
D) I got my room for Comic-Con in July. For the love of God, is there anyone else going this year?
So much to do before summer gets here…
Director: Kimberly Peirce
Cast: Ryan Phillippe, Abbie Cornish, Channing Tatum, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ciarán Hinds, Timothy Olyphant, Victor Rasuk, Rob Brown
Release: March 28, 2008
Synopsis: Decorated Iraq war hero Sgt. Brandon King makes a celebrated return to his small Texas hometown following his tour of duty. Brandon tries to resume the life he left behind with the help and support of his loving family, and his best friend, Steve Shriver, who served with Brandon in Iraq. Alongside their war-time buddies, Brandon and Steve try to make peace with civilian life. Then, against Brandon’s will, a “Stop-Loss†order is issued by the Army which indefinitely extends his enlistment and forces him back to Iraq. This devastating change upends Brandon’s entire world. The conflict into which he is thrown tests everything he believes in: the bond of family, the loyalty of friendship, the limits of love and the value of honor.
View Trailer:
* Large (Flash)
Prognosis: Negative. Here’s the funny thing about the illegal Iraq war we’re in: the art that has spawned it has been incredible.
From the 2nd book and screenplay I’m writing to documentaries to feature length films to books to TV shows to everything else multimedia under the technological sun there is a lot of choices you have as a consumer to take this whole experience in. And it’s not like there’s any time distance for any of these things because there is still a war being waged on the other side of the world.
The result, obviously, is that there are some projects that work better than others. Some people’s stance on what the war has done to them, artistically, is really hit or miss. Yeah, war sucks and that the powers that be should be held accountable for all the wretched things that have been done in America’s name (and that name is M-U-D in many of the countries outside of our little isolationist bubble) but this movie in particular seems to suck a little harder.
I don’t want to denigrate the message of the movie, which is possibly quite altruistic, but the execution of the trailer is bad. Awful, in fact.
I can appreciate the use of “Bodies†by Drowning Pool but the context for the opening voiceover from Ryan Philippe, his words getting slightly obfuscated by the song, duh, is muddled. We’re trying to understand the plot of the film but the substance of the film is being stymied by the need to hit the audio post of the raging rock song with the firing of a shoulder powered rocket launcher.
I know war is supposed to be confusing and disorienting but that doesn’t apply to trailers. We should have a crystal clear understanding of what we’re watching but as we continue through this preview/mash-up rock video. I mean, really, the first half of this trailer is chock full o’ crap and there is no photo montage that can save it from being anything less than poorly constructed.
However, we take a turn for the better when Ryan sits and gets told he’s now part of Dubbya’s administration’s Stop-Loss which, in effect, holds soldiers in Iraq a little longer after their supposed term of service. When Ryan realizes this is what’s happening to him this was actually a moment when the trailer should have started.
This trailer is actually riveting when you see it play out AFTER we get what’s happening. It’s almost as if the first half was a part of some prison work release program that was compiled by sex offenders and the second one was polished by well-meaning individuals. Night and day.
The trailer excels when we get to ground zero of these people’s lives when it’s understood that the crux of the film seems to deal with what happens after you realize you have to leave, again, into a hellhole you thought you weren’t returning to ever again. Ryan’s flirting with leaving the country, at least I think that’s what he’s doing, to avoid shipping off is a nice touch.
I will say that the final moments of the trailer drift into the maudlin and the overly dramatic (“Oscar people! Look at me!!! These are real tears! I am teh awesome!â€) and it really takes back a lot of the goodwill I was giving it.
I just wish, at the end of it all, someone had a consistent voice directing this thing. As it stands I feel like I was on the teacup ride at Disneyland with as many turns this thing took.
10,000 B.C. (2008)
Director: Roland Emmerich
Cast: Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis
Release: March 7, 2008
Synopsis: From director Roland Emmerich comes a sweeping odyssey into a mythical age of prophesies and gods, when spirits rule the land and mighty mammoths shake the earth. In a remote mountain tribe, the young hunter, D’Leh (Steven Strait), has found his heart’s passion – the beautiful Evolet (Camilla Belle). When a band of mysterious warlords raid his village and kidnap Evolet, D’Leh is forced to lead a small group of hunters to pursue the warlords to the end of the world to save her. Driven by destiny, the unlikely band of warriors must battle saber-tooth tigers and prehistoric predators and, at their heroic journey’s end, they uncover a Lost Civilization. Their ultimate fate lies in an empire beyond imagination, where great pyramids reach into the skies. Here they will take their stand against a powerful god who has brutally enslaved their people.
View Trailer:
* Medium (QuickTime)
Prognosis: Negative. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Seriously, is this a joke without it being funny? If you want to know all the reasons why this looks about as much fun as lighting your nuts on fire with a Bic lighter as you drench your yam bag with spearmint rubbing alcohol from Ralph’s stay tuned.
First of all, fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, you’re going to get the chance, bub. If any of you here present remember my award for most deceptive trailer a couple of years ago when THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW fooled us all into thinking it was like Michael Bay’s triumphant return to form with TRANSFORMERS, I can tell you that I am still smarting from the complete bullshit that fooled me into paying to see that movie.
What you ultimately ended up with was a movie that wasn’t even classifiable as a tent pole from the standpoint that it could have been enjoyed forever as a movie meant to symbolize what summer movies were all about: dumb fun. It would be too easy to point a finger and say “Yeah, it sure got the dumb part right†but there are scads of you out there who know exactly what I am talking about; the movie suffered from too much reliance on special effects without there being a sustainable script to help enjoin that framework.
Argue with me all you like but you’d be wrong.
This movie doesn’t look any better if anyone out in the public learned what to be on the lookout for with Roland’s moviemaking. If anyone is going to give a nod to the man it should be for INDEPENDENCE DAY or even UNIVERSAL SOLDIER. The homoerotic subtexts of both these movies could be perfect for a master’s thesis but since we’re talking about this trailer I will say that the same subtext is alive and well.
I like the whole light imagery at the beginning of the trailer. At first I thought this might be a movie about modern people having to learn to survive without any power, electricity; that’s a movie I would pay money to see. In fact, I’m copyrighting that idea right here. It’s certainly better than what we’re given here.
Wooly mammoth hunting? White dudes in dreadlocks? Same white dudes in dreadlocks having sparkling white molars? Where the fuck did they get the Crest and dental floss to maintain such a naturally pearly smile?
I’m confused by the INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM script lift with some colony thinking that the white guy in dreads was meant to liberate them from a naturally beefy, and shirtless, overlord. The saber-toothed tigers are a nice mix but having me understand how this one guy traverses both snow, water and desert in one movie hurts my head to even consider.
And the genre itself, Sword and Sandal, is already a hard sell after so many crap films have failed to elicit the interest of a fickle public that didn’t care about Brad Pitt or even Colin Farrell in tighty whities.
See it if you must but consider me properly warned after fooling me twice now. I’m on to you, Roland…
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January 11th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Ten seconds into the first event of the American Gladiators premier, and a toilet paper sales rep gets her knee blown out playing Powerball? Really? Does it get any better than that? I’m typically against anything that’s so “pro Americana”…but this show is just so over the top…I can’t help but love it. Hulk Hogan’s excess of personality makes up for Layla Ali’s lack of one. The only thing that would make American Gladiators better is if they were able to bring back Wesley “2 Scoops” Berry. Too bad he’s serving 20 years for armed robbery! This show is so mind numbingly entertaining, that I’m almost willing to look past the next disaster remake that’s coming up…Knight Rider. KITT is now a Mustang and calls his driver “Mike”…that’s all kinds of wrong.
“It wasn’t so much the question of the irresistible force versus the immovable object, Tom Hanks’ and Philip Seymour Hoffman’s performances versus Julia Roberts’ forehead”. Congratulations Mr. Stripp…11 days into 2008 and you’re in the running for quote of the year. It’s a high standard you’ve set for yourself…I hope you can keep it up for the remaining 354 days.
Cheers
January 18th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Yes, I am the reason the strike will keep going on.
I watched this week’s AG (those in the know call it that…it’s hipster speak) and just had every notion affirmed: this is just mind-numbingly stupid television. They’re all doing it for their kids, a common thread, but the glorious part of this is when these kiddos’ parents get rocked in the face or get dumped in the water or lose any of these events they show these kids looking dejected. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. It’s the shaming of our culture through the next generation.
I apologize to anyone who works for the WGA. I certainly didn’t plan on supporting such a program. It kinda just happened.