Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• According to Courtney Love, troubled singer Amy Winehouse is the worst drug addict she’s ever met. Love continued, saying that “Even I wasn’t that bad.” All that we can say here at QSE News is “Damn, Amy… that’s like the Pope telling you that you’re a better Catholic than he is.” We look forward to next year’s attempt at your record by Lindsay Lohan at the 2008 Coke-Whore Challenge.

• Producers of the American Idol Idols Live Tour are beginning to get worried as ticket sales for the concerts are down when compared to previous tours. In addition, not a single show has sold out – most of the concerts to date have had attendance below 60% of capacity. Music insiders say that if the trend continues, performers may have to do something drastic, like write their own material.

• Apple has announced the details of a new iPod that will be hitting stores soon. The new iPod is modeled after the widely popular iPhone and will have WiFi and touch-screen capabilities. In a press conference, Apple’s main man Steve Jobs said “This is an exciting time – and if aren’t lucky enough to get one of these new iPods, you might as well kill yourself, because you will be unpopular. But don’t worry, if you don’t have the courage to kill yourself, the new iTerminators will come by your house and kill you.”

• Last week was a rough week for TV as overall ratings were at an all-time low. TV executives are blaming the drop in viewers on the warm weather and long Labor Day weekend. In response to the low ratings, all four major networks will meet with the fast food industry next week in order to develop a plan to make Americans even more fat and lazy “so they don’t leave the house and can’t do anything except sit there and watch TV.”

• Legendary tenor Luciano Pavarotti passed away on Thursday after a long battle with cancer.  Since he began his career in 1961, Pavarotti has been one of the biggest stars, both literally and figuratively, that opera has ever seen.  The singer will be buried in Modena, Italy with representatives of Green Peace on hand to ensure that the carcass is disposed of properly and not just hauled back into the ocean.

• Former child star Brian Bonsall was sentenced to two years probation after pleading guilty to third-degree assault charges. Bonsall, who starred on Family Ties, was arrest in March after his girlfriend called the cops and reported Bonsall had poured an alcoholic drink on her face while she slept, put her in a choke hold and threw her onto a bed when she tried to leave. This recent episode marks Bonsall’s first hit since the end of Family Ties… and with that QSE News would like to congratulate ourselves for our 100th tasteless domestic violence joke. We’d like to thank the little, abusive people – like Bonsall – that made this milestone possible.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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