Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Rumor has it that Britney Spears will be performing at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards. The awards show will air Sunday September 9th. Spears is said to be dusting off “fan favorites” for the performance that will likely include shaving her head, flashing her VaJay, lip-synching and pretending that her career isn’t over.

• The Cure have postponed fall tour plans in order to concentrate on finishing the band’s next album. The band is now set to crisscross America in April and May of next year. The band’s tour promoter also apologized for the cancellations and said “I guess those 30-year-old guys still wearing make-up and capes will have to get beaten up somewhere else for a little while.”

• Former child-actor Scott Baio and his girlfriend are expecting their first child. Baio currently stars in the reality TV show Scott Baio is 45… and Single. Hollywood insiders are expecting Baio’s child to continue the Baio legacy by being unattractive but for some reason still able to bang the hottest chicks in Hollywood.

• Actor Owen Wilson, friend of the vastly-more popular actor, Will Ferrell, was rushed to the hospital earlier this week after an apparent, and half-assed, suicide attempt.  Wilson could not be reached for comment, but when asked why the star “attempted” to take his own life, the attending doctor queried back “how many times can you be called ‘dick-nose’ before it starts to have an adverse affect on you?”

• According to producer Daniel Lanois, the new U2 album is “making itself.” This is excellent news, as the last couple of albums U2 made have kinda sucked, so it’s nice to see they are letting something else write their albums.

• The unfairly successful Dancing With the Stars has released its list of this season’s dancers. Included in the mix of the washed-up and talentless is former Beverly Hills 90210 actress Jennie Garth and Melanie Brown, aka “Scary Spice” from the Spice Girls.  Producers did say that for the third season in a row, their first choice, Stephen Hawking, was unavailable.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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