Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Christina Applegate isn’t married anymore. Applegate officially ended her marriage to Johnathon Schaech late last week. In related news, the world still doesn’t care about the guy that played Applegate’s brother on the show Married… with Children, whatever his name is/was.

• Actress Nichelle Nichols, who gained more weight than fame as Lt. Uhura on the original Star Trek series, is heading back to the small tube. Nichols will be joining the cast of Heroes next season as the grandmother to series character Monica.  Nichols was hesitant to join the popular show at first, but when she found out that she wouldn’t be the only cast member that William Shatner has had his penis in, she signed immediately.  In related news, George Takei is the only other cast member that has met William Shatner.

• The video game Madden NFL 08 was released this week, as eager fans waited outside of stores across the country to be one of the first to get their hands on the game. Over the past 17 years, the series of football video games has sold more than 60 million copies. This year’s game serves up a special treat in the form of a mini game that allows players to live the life of their favorite NFL star by holding out at camp, injecting “The Clear” into their cranks, slapping prostitutes, committing murder, and organizing dog fights.

• Counting Crows is wrapping up work on their new album, which is due out in November. The album will be titled Saturday Nights, Sunday Mornings and will feature songs that are both “loud and soft.” Geffen, the band’s current record company, is hoping to spur sales by offering a free pair of khaki Dockers with each CD purchase.

• A (partially) reunited Van Halen is headed out on tour… for real this time. The band, which now consists of bat-shit crazy David Lee Roth, half-tongued guitarist Eddie Van Halen, Alex “Crypt Keeper” Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli’s son, Wolfgang Van Halen, will be playing 25 dates across the country. The tour is scheduled to be canceled early next month after tickets for all shows have been sold out.

• The HBO drama John from Cincinnati has been canceled. The show revolved around the struggles of a surfing family in California and never caught on with viewers or critics. Critics credit the shows unpopularity with the fact that it contains a character from Cincinnati and “as everyone knows, nothing good has ever come from Cincinnati.”

• It is being reported that Marvel Comics is pursuing wrestler Hunter Hearst Helmsley for the title role of Thor in an upcoming movie.  Helmsley, whose real name is Paul Levesque, has had roles in several movies, including another Marvel property, Blade 3.  In casting the wrestler, Marvel hopes to capture a key demographic of 15-25 year old sexually confused males.

• In a new film called The Wackness legendary actor Ben Kingsley has revealed that he shares an on-screen kiss with the food-phobic “actress” Mary Kate Olsen.  After shooting the scene, Kingsley had nothing but praise for his young, nubile co-star, claiming that the former Full House star “totally gave him a semi…”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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