BALTIMORE –– Is it really the 10th anniversary of the revolution? What revolution, you may ponder. On July 12, 1997, HBO unleashed Oz. This series flipped dramatic TV shows over and sodomized the staid concepts. It went everywhere a network show didn’t dare to roam in language, violence and man love.
It was a unflinching look at life inside the Oswald Maximum Security Correctional Facility. What set it apart from any other TV drama wasn’t merely that it had throat slashing, butt sex and cussing, but that it allowed the bad guys to be the major characters. Even the supposed good guys were shown running their own rackets behind the prison walls. Nobody was all good. Although quite a few characters were all bad. While TV dramas before Oz might have had recurring evil characters, they were either seen as comic relief or constantly being taught that their bad ways would never defeat the series hero. Oz put an end to that tradition. If anything separates HBO from network dramas, it’s the greatness of their villains.
The only series that didn’t have an amazing bad guy was Six Feet Under. Although Nate Fisher (Peter Krause) became such an asshole in the final years that he was as good as a villain. We’re still not sure who is the bad guy in John From Cincinnati, but we’re putting money on Ed Bundy’s bird.
After a long polling process, here’s The Top Ten of HBO’s Diabolical Decade:
10. Atia of the Julii – Rome – (Polly Walker) – She was the most wonderful mother a future emperor could ever have. She fucked for power. She fucked for peace. Occasionally she fucked cause she was in the mood. Her body was the Appian Way for her son to ride to the top. She didn’t mind destroying her close friends if she feared they’d turn on her. For an America that was used to Polly Walker from the charming Enchanted April, her lusty turn on Rome was quite shocking.
9. Phil Leotardo – Sopranos – (Frank Vincent) – For the final seasons of The Sopranos, Phil was the ballbusting mobster while Tony emotionally floundered. Phil snuffed the man who loved Johnny Cakes. Phil wanted Jersey to know that New York runs the family. Frank Vincent was able to up his mobster profile from all his Martin Scorsese roles.
8. Roman Grant – Big Love – (Harry Dean Stanton) – This isn’t just a creepy minister of a polygamy community in Utah. Roman is God’s will on Earth. You turn on him and you’ve banished yourself to hell. And he doesn’t wait till you’re dead to make you feel the heat. He also has a major thing for collecting more wives. If you don’t watch out, he’ll marry your daughter! Harry Dean Stanton’s nails the creepy look when he lowers his cowboy hat.
7. Chris Keller – Oz – (Christopher Meloni) – He was a hardcore killer that had no qualms in snuffing folks. Perhaps his crowning moment is what’s called “Pullin’ A Keller” around the joint. He had a guy giving him a blow job in a private part of the prison. Chris unloaded in the guy’s mouth and snapped the sucker’s neck. I never saw Jack Lord do this on Hawaii Five-O. While Meloni has gone on to star in Law and Order: SVU, it’s hard to imagine he’s really protecting Manhattan. He’s just trying to eliminate the competition.
6. Omar Little – The Wire – (Michael K. Williams) – Whenever you see Omar roaming the mean rowhouse streets of Baltimore with his shotgun, you hide. He’s a wild card on the series. He doesn’t mind robbing the drug dealers, but he’s not cleaning up the town. He just wants the money and the dope. Williams has a hardcore look when he loads up his guns that puts him beyond the normal tough guy actors. Why aren’t rappers wearing t-shirts of Omar Little instead of Tony Montana?
5.Brother Justin Crowe – Carnivale – (Clancy Brown) – Was he Satan? Or just a really creepy minister in league with the devil? Brother Justin was taking over America with his church of the airwaves during the Great Depression. He also liked it rough with the female help. Clancy Brown first went after The Highlander and he topped it by taking on the Carny. Did you know he was the voice of Mr. Krabs on Spongebob?
4. Stringer Bell – The Wire – (Idris Elba) – While Avon Barksdale was serving time, Stringer kept the family drug network running. He even used a community college’s small business course work to revitalize the smack trade. Stringer ran into trouble when he discovered that people in the legit world are more cut throat than underground bastards. Idris Elba was robbed of Emmy glory.
3. Al Swearengen – Deadwood – (Ian McShane) – The ultimate cocksucker ran the town of Deadwood with an iron soul. What he didn’t own or control, he’d destroy. One of his great moments he gave a heartfelt monologue while being blown by a hooker. Ian McShane is now starring in Hot Rod with the guy who put his dick in a box.
2. Tony Soprano – Soprano – (James Gandolfini) – What can be said about the icon? He became the second most popular mobster character behind Don Corleone. He dealt with the issues of his family and his mobster crew. While he showed his human side, we also experienced his beast fury.
1. Vern Schillinger – Oz – (J.K. Simmons) – He lead the Aryan Brotherhood in the prison. When he first appeared on the show, we thought he was a nice guy who had been sent to prison for killing the drug dealer that poisoned his sons. But then he burned a swastika into his bunkmates ass before sodomizing it. Vern was pure evil for six seasons. It was a close vote between Vern and Tony for the top spot. But the tie breaker was that Tony refused to snuff his whiney son. Vern had no problem whacking his offspring when they disappointed him. Simmons is now playing Assistant Chief of LAPD on The Closer. He was also the voice of the Yellow M&M. And now he is the Most Diabolical Character from HBO.
SNAKE WATER
How the hell does Vitamin Water not get sued for false advertising?
I’m trying to cut back on my 3 liters of soda that I slurp down a day. I’m down to one cup of diet soda to hold the caffeine headaches back. The rest of the day I drink plenty of water. I want to get back into fight shape for my upcoming Celebrity Boxing match against Jessica Alba.
During a recent location shoot, I reached into the Igloo cooler for a water, but all that’s inside was Vitamin Water. There’s nothing wrong with water with a little vitamins. Who doesn’t take a drink of water with their Flintstones chewies? But this isn’t water. The stuff I had was “Defense” featuring raspberry and apple flavoring. Sure the bottle claims it “contains less than 1% juice,” but wasn’t that true about Hawaiian Punch? And I didn’t taste water so much as flavor when I drank it. It tasted like Kool-Aid without enough sugar. Is this really water or watered down juice? Water should be clear unless it comes from a Cary, North Carolina tap. Then it’s a nice shimmer grey. This Vitamin water stuff was pretty damn red. It had the capability of staining the carpet. Water gets things wet. It doesn’t dye fabric.
Here’s the funny part, the ingredients listed “vegetable juice (color).” What part of raspberry and apple lies in the vegetable flavor? We can argue tomatoes until Nancy Reagan dies, but raspberries and apples are not veggies. Speaking of seeds crops, Vitamin Water also has crystalline fructose. The folks at sugar.org describe this as “produced by allowing the fructose to crystallize from a fructose-enriched corn syrup.” I’m trying to get the corn syrup out of my diet. That’s why I’m cutting back on soda. But these guys at Glauceau are passing off “water” that’s filled with the same crap that’s in soda.
And in a stroke of Idiocracy, the labels also lists “calcium lactate (electrolyte).” Vitamin Water has electrolytes! At what point do you put enough stuff in water that the FDA won’t let you call it water? You put lemons in water and it gets called Lemonade. You put electrolytes, corn syrup and vegetable juice in a bottle and you still get to call it water?
The boys in Glauceau legal came up with a hilarious description of their product.
“Nutrient enhanced water beverage” is what they call their liquid. Under the definition – what isn’t “vitamin water?” Beer is “nutrient enhanced water beverage.” Coffee fits those lines. So does Tea. So is Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Jolt and Diet Citrus Drop. Even Hawaiian Punch. If you go down to the waste treatment facility, you can dreg up a glassful of sludge and declare it a “Nutrient enhanced water beverage.”
What’s even more shocking is what the boys in marketing tried to hide from me. The nutritional info is obscured by the red top of the label. What does water not have (besides electrolytes)? Go look on a bottle of real water. It should say “O Calories.” When I held the Vitamin Water bottle in a bright light, through the red background, I was able to see that a serving has 50 calories. What’s more showing is that according to Glauceau, one of their 20 ounce bottles contains 2 1/2 servings. Who drinks that little out of a bottle? Does my grandfather work for Glauceau pouring out Vitamin Water in spit sink Dixie Cups? A 20 ounce bottle of Vitamin Water has 125 calories. That’s a lot of your daily intake if you’re sticking to a 2,000 calorie diet.
You know how much water you have to drink to get 125 calories? You can’t. I don’t know exactly what the calorie intake from a One A Day tablet is, but I’m going to guess that it’s not 125 calories when mixed with 20 ounces of water. How can you add this many calories to water and still get to pass it off to water to the American Consumer? This is a beverage that has very little to do with being water. This isn’t a glass of water with a lemon attached to the lip.
Basically this stuff is Gatorade. But you don’t see Gatorade calling themselves Gator Water. While they market the Propel Fitness Water (and I’ve got a beef with that title, too), at least their water is only 25 calories per 20 ounce bottle.
When I reach into a cooler and grab a bottle marked “Water,” I don’t expect to be drinking fattening crap. Forget Formula 50, Glauceu and Coke need to start up a new flavor: Snake Oil. Although the boys in marketing can rebrand it Snake Water with fiery cobra on the label.
DOLPHIN LOGIC
One thing left off my Vegas epic was a visit to The Hooters Hotel and Casino. I thought this was a joke like Otis’ Secret Still Bar. But it was really there in glorious orange and exposed wood. The ladies treated us pretty nice although way too many of them were pregnant. Those hot wings are potent.
What’s even more dangerous is a visit to Dan Marino’s restaurant in the casino. Have you seen all those TV ads where Dan Marino and his football pals beg us to lose weight? The former Miami Dolphin’s quarterback’s health conscious ways don’t visit Las Vegas. A huge sign advertised all you cam eat baby back ribs for $16.99. How the hell does Dan expect America to lose weight when he tempts us with glorious baby back ribs at such an amazing price?
Get with the program, Marino. Either we all lose weight or we all pig out on the precious bones. You can’t have it both ways. Of course he learned this misdirection from his coach. Don Shula also pimps the weight loss on TV. But if you go into his steakhouse, he promotes “The Shula Cut.” This is a 48 ounce porter house steak. If you eat it in one sitting, you get an autograph picture of the coach and your name goes up on his website. Shula promotes one mega-eater that polished off 175 of the Shula Cuts. How can you beg for me to lose a few pounds as you hang out with a guy who has eaten 525 pounds of steak?
If Shula cared about the health of America, he should be praising people who ate the 4.8 ounce porterhouse at his joint.
Why didn’t Shula get Marino a Superbowl? Maybe these two were stuffing their faces during timeouts instead of calling the right plays.
THIS IS IT, GIRL?
Finally had a chance to see Factory Girl, the story of Edie Sedgwick and her time with Andy Warhol. Ever since the book Edie came out in the ’80s, everybody has claimed they were going to make a biographical film about the Youthquaking trust fund girl who was Paris Hilton with a soul. There was once talk of Molly Ringwald in the lead.
The film focused on the quasi-romance between Edie and Andy. Sienna Miller didn’t seem too English playing the girl who fell down the rabbithole of Manhattan. Guy Pearce did the best Warhol since Bowie’s turn under the wig in Basquiat. Halfway through the film, my wife asked me if there was something else on TV. Instead of insisting that things would pick up and get interesting, off went the DVD. The next morning I watched the last hour. Over 20 years of people wanting to make the movie and this was the end result? At least it’s out of Hollywood’s system.
But this isn’t the first semi-biopic that everyone wanted to make and ended up laying on the screen like last week’s potato salad. Bettie (or Betty) Page was also a hot property. The Notorious Bettie Page left me limp. For all the staged debauchery about the fetish star’s career, the movie felt way too clean and reserved. For a film about bondage, I wasn’t wrapped up in the action. Although it did remind us that Gretchen Mol has a great rack. Even the more low budget Bettie Page: Dark Angel was dishwater dull. It spent more time recreating the photo shoots than dragging us into the emotions of the moment. And why did they cast a girl with fake boobs?
The final female film that had a lot of “this needs to be a movie” buzz was Black Dahlia. Nearly 20 years after James Ellroy wrote his fictional account of the case, Brian DePalma made it into a major motion picture. And 20 minutes into the film, I fell asleep. The film has Mia Kirshner as the title role. She normally keeps my eyeballs wide open. Who can forget that very special episode of L Word where she and Sarah Shahi shared a toilet seat? When is someone going to turn that into a motion picture? It demands Imax!
Here were three women that occupied my mind during college. Even I had that hideous thought that I should make their lives into movies. But I left it to the “professionals.” And look what George Hickenlooper, Mary Harron and Brian DePalma did to them? They would have been better off dating O.J. Simpson. It was like going to a 20th reunion and seeing what finally happened to the hot girl in PE class – the first one that had to invest in a jogging bra. Instead of seeing her as an eternal stunner, she’s become the stand-by guest at Jerry Springer.
DINNER: IMPLAUSIBLE
Dinner: Impossible on the Food Network has become highly addictive watching at the estate. Each week Chef Robert Irvine gets stuck somewhere with a little more time as an Iron Chef, but with a semi-inept kitchen staff. He’s got a few hours to create a primo gourmet meal for groups of dozens to thousands. It’s nuts. Recently he had to make such a meal during a Chicago White Sox game using only food in the concessionaires freezer. Talk about a gruesome selection of meats.
What Irvine concocts is rather amazing. We’re going to do try the Dots with margarita mix at a future party. The nice part about the show is a few times he has failed the challenge. He couldn’t create the amazing meal under the deadline. So there is excitement as things come down to the wire.
I dare Robert Irvine to be able to use me a kitchen assistant on an episode. Although he’ll probably have to bow down to my amazing ability to make put stuff on a Ritz Cracker. Can he make the deadline with me mixing up the risotto? And don’t expect to see anything, but shells and gills if there’s lobster in the episode.
And if he doesn’t want me, can I please get to try out for Ball Busting with Gordon Ramsey where I get 1 hour to make everyone in a three star kitchen cry like baby or attempt to strangle me? Beef Wellington? More like Biff Smellington!
NO CAKE FOR ME
The Food Network has informed my that my Ace of Cakes segment has been banned from the channel. Somehow a cake of Alex Rodriguez with a bat shoved up his ass wasn’t considered family friendly.
While I’m blown away by the Charm City creations from Duff Goldman, it’d be nice to get a price tag on a few of those cakes. How much would it cost for me to get the plane slamming into the Titanic cake? Will I be forced to sell my kids on eBay to pay for their birthday cakes? Does he use his electric saw to remove the arms and legs of customers that come up short? Although fondant can be used to stop a bleeding artery.
DAMN VHS
Did you know there’s no way to reduce space on your VHS collection without getting rid of the tapes? When it came time to shrink the DVD shelves, I put the shiny disks in sleeves and tossed out the plastic cases. You removed the box from a VHS tape and you’re pretty much stuck with the same amount of space minus a few cubic millimeters.
BIRDS AND SHIPS
This is a great time for classic animation on DVD. Showing up in the mail over the past week has been Popeye The Sailor: 1933-1938, The Woody Woodpecker and Friends Classic Cartoon Collection and Tex Avery’s Droopy – The Complete Theatrical Collection. There’s more vintage shorts on those DVDs than Cartoon Network has shown in the past year.
All three sets are prime examples of what can be done when folks who are passionate about animation are allowed to work on these projects. This winter looks good with the final installment of Tom and Jerry and Volume Five of Looney Tunes and the rest of the black and white Popeyes.
LIBERATE CUBA
Daddy Day Camp once again makes me to ponder “Why hasn’t Cuba Gooding Jr. gone nuts and beaten a movie executive to death?” Can he seriously be happy taking all these crappy roles? Why hasn’t he at least camped out on Cameron Crowe’s doorstep refusing to move until Cameron writes him a script? He made Cuba an Oscar winner and now he’s reduced to making films so pathetic that Eddie Murphy wouldn’t cash the check on it. And Eddie needs the work between alimony, the Spicegirl baby and the new fiancé. Lawyers don’t get paid with freebie DVDs.
I have hope that his role in American Gangster will make us forget that Cuba Gooding Jr. made Rat Race, Boat Trip and Snow Dogs. If all goes wrong, Cuba could star in The Wayne Brady Story.
CREEPY ENGLISH PEOPLE
First off, bad news to the producers of John From Cincinnati. With the new episodes of No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain back on the Travel Channel every Monday night at 10 p.m., we’re going to watch your show OnDemand on Tuesdays. We’ve already bumped you from Sunday nights because of 4400. The freaky nature of John is enjoyable, but it’s just not “must see” TV cause it’s just too damn confusing. We want to see Bourdain getting lost around the globe versus a bunch of messed up surfers getting lost in a plotline.
We are enjoying Meadowlands on Showtime. This is best described as The Prisoner-family style. Something evil has happened and the family is forced to relocate in an experimental town that’s filled with witness protection people. It’s kinda like Arizona. The father is played by David Morrissey. It’s pretty obvious why he wants a new identity in a town where no one knows him. Did you see Basic Instinct 2? Morrissey probably doesn’t want you to remember him staring at Sharon Stone’s snatch. Felicity Jones, who plays the daughter, wins our Summer Sizzling actress. She knows how to work the bangs.
They did tip their hat to the old Prisoner series when during a soccer match, they had Morrissey wear the “6” jersey.
BECKHAM BLAHS
Did I really watch a soccer match to see a guy come into a match with a few minutes left? Not really. I was only flipping back to the LA Galaxy vs those English players game during commercial breaks of Ice Road Truckers on the History Channel. I can only handle so many shots of a guy sitting on a bench.
If you’ve seen Once In A Lifetime: The Extraordinary Story of the New York Cosmos, you’ll see that when Pele arrived to elevate soccer in America. He didn’t spend too much time on the bench. People tuned in the next game to see the amazing ball work and goals. When it comes to Beckham, they want us to see if he will actually warm up with 10 minutes left. All the hype. The countdowns. The moaning from Europe. And we end up with a guy who would look best on a bench between Sebastian Telfair and Ryan Leaf.
And Herbalife? Why is that on the Galaxy jersey? Did Est not have $25 million ready to burn? Dianetics not ready to get that involved with the beautiful sport? Wonder if Herbalife has a cure for bum ankles? Red Bulls should have sponsored LA since you’ll need a case to stay awake long enough to see if Beckham will take off his sweatsuit.
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