VATICAN CITY – Forget fast tracking Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa; this week Pope Benedict needs to toss out the rules and canonize Charles Nelson Reilly as the Patron Saint of Quips.

This is not the first time that people have declared Charles Nelson Reilly a religious icon. Many a misspent night was accompanied by the Dead Milkmen’s “Serrated Edge.” Rodney had it right when he sang of a Charles Nelson Reilly orgy with 15 girls. But he was wrong when he called Reilly, “Just another greedy actor on the late late show!”

Reilly didn’t make that many movies that ended up on the air at 3 am. For a majority of Americans, Reilly occupied the last seat of the top row on Match Game. In the era before the internet, a bunch of us always debated what the hell did Charles do to become famous enough to get on a game show. We knew Richard Dawson deserved the middle chair below for his valiant work against the Nazis on Hogan’s Heroes. But Charles? Since there was no easy reference books that work like imdb or wikipedia, we didn’t know that he was a Broadway superstar. He won a Tony. He was respected by his peers. We didn’t know that. We just knew him as the guy from Match Game. Technically, he played the evil magician Hoodoo on Sid & Marty Krofft’s Lidsville before his tenure on the gameshow, but the ’70s were a time of excess and drugs – especially for those of us in elementary school. It also didn’t hurt that they reran old Saturday morning Krofft shows for decades so childhood memories blurred in college – especially when mixed with Boone’s Farm Strawberry wine.

As messed up as we were in third grade during the 70s, a few of us thought that Charles and Brett Somers were married. The two of them had amazing chemistry – like that aunt and uncle that show up at weddings and get liquored up during the reception. They knew how to embarrass each other. Nothing was off base between the two. They were hilarious as they ribbed each other during the show. They seemed like the perfect old married couple. Always knowing how to poke without punching. How could we not know that Charles was gay? Some call it denial, but I never thought anyone would have sex with Charles. Back in the 70s, after a person turned 50, they stopped having sex. You might not know it, but Logan’s Run was a documentary. It made sense that even though Brett and Charles weren’t sexual in their relationship, they’d still be married.

Has science ever determined how many young men discovered their true sexual nature from identifying with Charles on Match Game and Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares? Were these two men a litmus test for a generation? I wouldn’t know because I felt a bond with Richard Dawson since he always had the answers that made the money.

Reilly represents a time that’s no longer permitted on TV. He’d be smoking a cigar, tipsy from between show cocktails and saying really questionable stuff as “answers.” He lived on the edge of broadcast standards. He was no mild George Gobel. He’s the type of performer that today gets thousands of emailed complaints to the FCC from James Dobson and his Focus on the Family pitbulls. How dare the children of America be exposed to such a person! In an America where the FCC fined millions for a barely exposed, nearly covered by a piercing nipple, Reilly would have bankrupted CBS with his scarf, pipe and captain’s hat.

Charles wasn’t afraid to expose his vanity on the show. On one episode he showed up late because he was having hair plugs. He didn’t lie. Although he’d tell the truth with such theatrics that you couldn’t believe it. He would have made a perfect presidential spokesman.

The nice thing is that after Match Game ended, Charles didn’t disappear into the woodwork. He returned to live acting. I’ve worked with a few of his dramatic pupils. They all had praise for his techniques. He didn’t merely teach the kids to squawk like Uncle Croc. He became Tony nominated as a director. He popped up in various places on TV. My favorite was his X-Files episode: “Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space.'” He was brilliant in that. Charles also voiced The Dirty Bubble on Spongebob SquarePants. He was an icon among icons.

I’m eager to see Life of Reilly, a documentary about his one man show Save It For the Stage. I’ve read that the film will be out on DVD this fall. I plan on buying a copy and not merely putting it on my Netflix queue. This film must go on the shelf next to the Match Game boxset. Future generations must know of his glory.

It’s hard to say that this star has passed away. Charles Nelson Reilly is immortal. As long as GSN keeps the Match Game episodes running, Charles will be there for us. If you wish to pay tribute to Charles, you can round up 15 women for an orgy. If you can’t make that happen, then order up a Manhattan (Charles used Jim Beam with no cherry), lift it up and offer a toast to St. Charles. He’s in the upper corner looking down on us, just like it should be, in the shag carpet universe.

If Pope Benedict needs a miracle to help it along, I prayed for the intervention of Charles Nelson Reilly to cure my Itchy Sweater Syndrome. It worked. Now I just suffer from Terminal Turtleneck. Thank you, Future St. Charles Nelson Reilly!

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