Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Kirsten Dunst has gone on record saying that any Spider-Man film made without the involvement of director Sam Raimi, actor Toby Maguire, and herself would be a failure. The three, among a few others, have appeared in all 3 Spider-Man films, with the latest installment coming to theaters early next month. Dunst’s comments seem to have fallen on deaf ears as Sony Pictures is already planning a fourth Spidey film featuring a cast made up almost entirely of transgender Japanese gymnasts with Tourette’s Syndrome.

• In related news, director Sam Raimi has hinted that he would be interested in directing a film version of The Hobbit.  Raimi would take over for Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson who, after a disagreement with New Line Cinema, left the project.  Of course, if this comes to fruition, one could only guess at how Bruce Campbell, the Necronomicon and Raimi’s piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] first car will factor into this Tolkien’s telling.

• Protestors in India have begun burning effigies of Richard Gere after he kissed Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty on the cheek in public.  In the Hindu culture, public displays of affection are very taboo, and many people in the country have begun protesting both Gere and Shetty.  While many groups burned the effigies of Gere, at press time it was unclear if any innocent gerbils were burned in the protests.  PETA is currently investigating.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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