Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Jennifer Lopez and her husband Marc Anthony are suing the National Enquirer in several outside-U.S cities. Lopez and Anthony were reported in the paper as being involved in a heroin scandal. The suit will likely end quickly as there is no way Lopez is on heroin… coke maybe, but not heroin.

• Lawrence Kasdan has been tapped to write the remake of the cult classic film Clash of the Titans.  Kasdan, who has written several films including Star Wars Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark, will be taking over for Travis Beacham, who has written a draft of the film.  Kasdan plans to stick fairly close to the original, but does plan on putting in a scene where Zeus reveals to Perseus that he is his father, then Zeus proceeds to cut Perseus’s hand off.

• Former Phish keyboardist Page McConnell will be releasing his first solo album today. The album, titled Page McConnell, will feature guest appearances from all of McConnell’s Phish band mates. The album is expected to be a hit among rich college kids who have rejected their parent’s capitalistic lifestyle… except when they need money for food, weed, gas or new sandals.

• The divorce between Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora has been finalized. Court reporters noted that while the divorce still made headlines, a lot more people would care if it was still 1989.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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