Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Three teenagers were injured early Sunday morning when unknown assailants opened fire on a crowd gathered outside of a Nickolodeon Kids Choice Awards after-party.  While no one has been arrested, police are pursuing leads including one eye-witness who swore that he heard two rap stars arguing about who was cooler, SpongeBob or Ben 10, shortly before the shots were fired.

• It appears that Sting isn’t the only master of tantric sex in the music world.  Rapper/producer/liar Sean “Diddy” Combs recently told a London newspaper that he and his girlfriend, Kim Porter, had tantric sex for 30 hours while visiting Paris.  When asked for comment on the boast, a noticeably uncomfortable Porter stated “Yeah, we ain’t be doin’ that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] anymore. My va-jay feels like it walked from here to Tallahassee.”

• Hollywood stars Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey had to be evacuated from the set of their new movie because of a poisonous jellyfish.  The pair were filming a scene in Australia when a Irukandji jellyfish was spotted near the set.  After the incident, a local man apologized for the incident, saying that it really wasn’t a jellyfish, he just got really excited seeing Hudson in a bikini.

• The remains of actor James Doohan, better known as Scotty from the original Star Trek series, are set to be blasted into space.  Doohan’s ashes have been loaded onto a rocket that is set to take off later this month.  Friends and family were relieved when they were able to honor the first wishes of the actor who stipulated that if his ashes could not be sent into space, he wanted someone to “snort his ashes and [EXPLETIVE DELETED] a hooker in the [EXPLETIVE DELETED].”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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