Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• U2 singer Bono has become the latest celebrity to become a knight of the British Empire. Bono was reportedly excited about the new title and immediately asked when he would get his suit of armor and where he could get some “princess tang.”

• The Beastie Boys have announced that they will be performing several acoustic shows this summer. To help promote the shows, group members plan on getting arrested for drunk driving, getting caught shouting racial slurs and entering rehab. “It’s worked for all the other rappers… so we might as well,” said Beastie Boy Mike D.

• Actress Halle Berry has admitted to Parade magazine that after her marriage with baseball player David Justice ended, she tried to kill herself. Berry apparently tried to asphyxiate herself by sitting in a running car in a garage, but stopped when she thought about her mother finding her. We here at QSE News would like to congratulate Ms. Berry for having the courage to admit this, but we would also like to remind her that no one likes a quitter.

• Microsoft has announced plans to release a new version of their next-gen gaming console, the Xbox 360. The Xbox 360 Elite will come with a High Definition Multimedia Interface port as well as a 120 gig hard drive. Gamers across the country are preparing for the new system by collecting 119 gigs worth of digital porn.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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