NASHVILLE – Amazing how the media has gone nuts about Al Gore’s power bill for his house. Sure it’s 10 times as big as a single family house. But I’m amazed that the media hasn’t gone that extra step in figuring out why Mr. Inconvenient Truth needs to suck that much current off the grid.
Around here, whenever a residence receives an electric bill that’s ten times more than the neighbors, the cops raid the place. Why? Because the “family” has a grow room operation in the basement. They’re privately harvesting marijuana, the devil’s weed, under the hot lights. Those bulbs burn serious wattage. Do you really think those indoor packages are sold for tomato purposes?
Why hasn’t the media (or Fox News) dared to ask the awful truth: How green is Al Gore? Is this the secret to Gore’s ability to swing with the showbiz superstars? How else can you explain why Leo wants to rub elbows with a nearly 60 year old out-of-office politician? Around here, it seems like whenever you find young kids hanging out with old guys, it’s cause they’ve got the best damn drugs in the town. Did Al provide goodie bags for the folks who drove the hybrids to the Kodak Theatre? Was Al responsible for Drew and Cameron’s smoking enjoyment on their recent beach trip? They’re greenies for Gore, right?
How can the Tennessee Center for Policy Research not insinuate the link between high power bills and growing dope with grow lights? It’s like linking large purchases of Sudafed with cooking up meth in a single-wide. Hasn’t Al Gore kept company with Woody Harrelson and Willie Nelson? Why would those two loose guys spend time with a stiffie like Gore? Maybe Al shares an experience with these famous hempheads that’s better than a PowerPoint presentation?
Remember when Al Gore said he invented the internet? How many stoned people have said really goofy things when high? Here’s a couple of classic things Gore has said in the past:
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.”
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
“Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts.”
Doesn’t that sound like someone who has had a couple tokes of the wacky weed? If President Clinton didn’t inhale, who did?
Will Fox News dare to conject that Al Gore’s mansion has all the suspicious qualities of a secret farm for the top cash crop in Tennessee? Why does Gore need all that security around the place? Is it to protect his Ed Begley Jr. autograph and complete Futurama DVD set? Or has Al Gore constructed a fortress of Tony Montana proportions to protect the source of his green empire? There’s enough facts in there to make it sound like the truth.
CATHOUSE FOLLOW UP
During last month’s interview with Dennis Hof, owner of the Bunny Ranch and star of HBO’s Cathouse, Dennis mentioned that his goal was to turn Starbucks into Bunny Ranch Expresses. His vision of the future sits on the shelf of your favorite videostore. Mike Judge’s Idiocracy features America in 500 years, where Starbucks gives out handjobs instead of muffins.
Dennis has been saying this for a while and the DVD of Idiocracy didn’t come out till Jan. 9. The movie made barely a blip theatrically when it was released in the fall. So Dennis wasn’t stealing Judge’s concept. This is a case of the Zeitgeist sweeping America. We all want to get a squeaky from the coffeeshop gal. Did you know that working your tongue around a barrista flesh will give you a caffeine rush? It’s true. Once I had a torrid affair with a coffeeshop girl and discovered that after a tryst, I was not ready to roll over and go to sleep. Her neck alone was the equivalent of a double shot of Espresso. One of my fond memories is how we had sex while watching Anna Nicole Smith on Howard Stern’s old E! show. While folks may say nasty things about Anna, I’ll remember our threesome as a passionate time – even if Anna was only participating via videotape.
SORRY FOR THE TYPO
Nobody wrote to correct me for spelling Darfur as “Dafur.” Thanks for not reading the column, Bill Gates.
MANN MISSES
Speaking of wacky, what exactly was Michael Mann huffing in the editing room when he spliced together his montage of “America As Seen In Movies” for the Oscar ceremony? I can excuse his obsession with the Klu Klux Klan musical number in O Brother, Where Art Thou?, but two of the clips are completely off base. First was Lucy Lui from the final battle of Kill Bill Part 1. The scene supposedly took place in Japan. What exactly does that have to do with America? The second “huh” clip was Timothy Carey talking about bugs in Paths of Glory. This is a film about French troops in World War I and was shot in West Germany. Sure the actors were American, but that wasn’t the point of the montage, Mann.
Why did you accept the assignment when you didn’t do the homework? Thanks for adding time to an already bloated program.
CONGRATULATIONS TO JACKIE EARLE HALEY
While Jackie Earle Haley didn’t win for Best Supporting Actor, he looked like a champion. Even when is name didn’t get called, he stuck around for the rest of the show. Unlike Eddie Murphy who reportedly had to leave early for a meeting over Daddy Daycare 2: Still Poopin’. When Marty finally got his Oscar glory, Jackie got up to give the man a standing ovation. Even during the E! red carpet show, Jackie was a joy to watch. Unlike Angelina Jolie, Jackie didn’t strike the “I’m too superior of a race to talk to you” pose with Ryan Seacrest on E! He gladly gabbed with Ryan and got a kick out of the fact that someone at E! located a clip of him from McGuyver. And Jackie was willing to publicly announce that he watches American Idol at home.
What does Jackie think of this year’s crop? There’s always laughter in my house when Ryan announces that coming up next is Sundance Head. Doesn’t that sound like the title of a film distributed by Strand Releasing?
The nice part is that Jackie saw Alan Arkin get the award and not Eddie Murphy. There seemed to once be a time when Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins was constantly run on crummy afternoons. It was Beastmaster of the late ’70s. There was Alan stuck inside that car with Sally Kellerman and Mackenzie Phillips. I still can’t remember the plot so much as how they stole gas on their rambling trip.
THE FIX WAS IN?
When Marty’s name was finally called from the stage, he received his trophy from Coppola, Spielberg and Lucas. It was like a reunion of Margot Kidder’s old beach party pals. It was like a Dick Clark award show at that moment. What are the odds that this trio was going to welcome Paul Greengrass or Inarritu up the stairs? The producers of the Oscars needed their big highlight moment for the clip package and they got it.
Now that Marty has won Best Director, he no longer has the cool factor of being “The Greatest Living American Director to Have Never Won the Oscar.” Now he’s just another guy with hardware. Sometimes it’s the act of exclusion that allows your myth to build. Would Shoeless Joe Jackson be as popular a topic if he was forgiven and put inside the Hall of Fame?
The sad thought is that in 10 years, people will immediately watch The Departed thinking it has to be Scorsese’s greatest film. But is it? Is it better than Goodfellas, Raging Bull, Mean Streets or King of Comedy? Of the three Marty-Leo films, it’s the most entertaining. But as far as a major director finally winning, this is on par with Carol Reed winning his Oscar for Oliver!
HE WAS IN THAT, TOO?
Matt Ross is the Robert Pine of his generation. I took notice of Ross when he played Harry Dean Stanton’s creepy son on Big Love. Since the day he went into Salt Lake City to do the Prophet’s business, he keeps popping up in other shows and movies that I’ve watched over the years. He was the lucky dork in Last Days of Disco. He was a guard on Oz. And he was the creepy bisexual executive in American Psycho. Plus he was Leo’s pal in The Aviator. He’s the guy who has the new title of Matt “Wait, he was also in that….” Ross.
What’s the most amazing thing about his career is that he’s yet to appear on any of the Law and Order series. What are the odds that an actor from near New York City could avoid the mean streets of Dick Wolf? He has appeared on CSI: Miami. Maybe someday he’ll reunite with his Oz pals on Law and Order: SVU.
GREEN IS GONE
It was sad enough when Anheuser-Busch bought Rolling Rock and shut down green bottle operations and moved them out of Latrobe, Pennsylvania. But now the Madison Avenue suits have turned the green bottles into some sort of joke beer. What was this crap about men in thongs and a Super Bowl ad? I’m not sure cause I zoned out. And I refuse to click on the banner ads about this muck-vertising.
If Rolling Rock was a child, social services would have taken it away and the Busch family would be on Court TV.
HERE’S A RECORD
There are just too many lame records being broken in the name of the Guinness Book of World Records. Is 40,000 kids brushing their teeth really worth the ink? What about 8,000 people making snow angels? Was any seven year old dreaming of being one of 10,000 people doing the “Macarena” when they flipped through the pages in the elementary school library? These aren’t real records. Fattest twins to ride motorcycles is a record. Guy with longest fingernails is a record. Somebody needs to start telling folks, “It’s nice that folks showed up, but who really gives a crap?” Next time these goofballs want to bust a record, why not attempt the fastest time to eat a bicycle?
MAKE THIS MUSIC
Here are the ten songs I want to hear on American Idol
10. “Stupid Girl” by the Rolling Stones
9. “4’33″” by John Cage
8. “Teenage Enema Nurses In Bondage” by Killer Pussy
7. “Midnight at the Oasis” by Maria Muldaur
6. “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew
5. “Mahna Mahna” by the Muppets
4. “Trapped in the Closet” by R. Kelly
3. “Dick in the Dirt” by Sammy Hagar
2, “Ace of Spades” by Motorhead
1. “Pac-Man Fever” by Buckner and Garcia
There’s no guarantee that you’ll win the show, but you’ll capture America’s heart and an opening spot on Weird Al Yankovic’s next tour. How come there isn’t a Weird Al Idol? Imagine America glued to seeing our next novelty musical act discovered?
INVITE STILL OPEN
This is to remind former Steeler coach and new resident of Raleigh, Bill Cowher that my invitation for a night at Hooters is still open. After a night of wings and Yuengling, we’ll go over and egg Clay Aiken’s house.
LEAVING ME COLD
NBC-Universal is launching Chiller TV. While it sounds exciting to have a cable channel devoted to spooking the crap out of you, the schedule has frightened me away. The first few days are pretty much marathons of Alfred Hitchcock Presents (original and 1985 version), Tales from the Crypt, Night Gallery and Twin Peaks. Sure they’ll be also showing the Classic Monster Movies, but those black and white classics don’t come on till after 2 a.m. Wow… that’s so unexciting. I haven’t been this scared since I thought my doily collection was stolen by chipmunks… of the undead!
Why exactly did NBC-Universal kill Trio while developing Chiller and Sleuth? Does it take that much more energy to be creative versus creating Junk Drawer Channels? It is amazing how little you have to do to claim you’re a channel.
While it’s understandable that the dorks at NBC-Universal want to figure out ways to keep their vault active, but must it be this way? In six months, they’ll make an announcement that there will be a channel that will just show old medical shows.
BEST NEWS OF THE WEEK
The folks at Paramount Home Video are looking into releasing a best of Love, American Style boxset. Please let this be real.
ALTER MY DINING ROOM
My wife thinks that Trading Spaces really needs to bring Paige Davis back. The show without her seems like a rough cut. Paige was really able to tie the projects together and get a little bit more personality out of the families. She can’t watch more than 10 minutes of the new autopilot format. She has found a new show for remaking a room.
Sell the House! hostess Tanya Memme has become my new Home Depot Queen. I’d put my estate on the market for the chance to have Tanya paint over my dining room mural featuring the cover of Slayer’s Reign in Blood. My landlord might object to the For Sale sign, but he’ll understand the overwhelming power of a primer sprinkled Tanya. It’s not like I’m going to stop paying him rent after I sell the place. He should think of it as a sub-lease with mineral rights.
My fear is that I’ll end up having to do a pose off with Roger Hazard. My pythons are ready. That guy has a pair of guns makes the guys on ESPN Classic’s World’s Strongest Man look like they’re auditioning for Beauty and the Geek. Did he get that body from adjusting ottomen? By the end of the episode, Roger and I will see who can toss a keg over the swimming pool – lengthwise.
DR. DREW IS EVERYWHERE
How many gigs does Dr. Drew Pinsky do for a living? He does the Loveline on the radio. He does the Today Show in the mornings. He’s pushing a book about the stars. He supposedly runs a rehab center. But here’s my question – if he’s such a great rehab guy, why didn’t he cure Mary-Kate Olsen when he played her dad in New York Minute? Shouldn’t he have helped her stay off the tabloid covers? How does this guy see patients? Does he squeak them in between Access Hollywood and Dateline crews?
I wonder if Dr. Drew’s rehab center can help me kick my addiction to Sudanka – the decaffeinated numbers game. I understand the rehab business. A few years back I started the Joe Corey Rock Bottom Detox Center. It basically consisted of me kicking rich brats into the basement and giving them a bowl of Ramen noodles a day until they were cured or their parents stopped paying. This treatment was ruled barbaric by so called health care professions and Donald Rumsfeld – even after I demonstrated how on Thursdays, I’d toss down a sprinkler hose for bathday.
It’s a shame Britney Spears didn’t visit my treatment center. Remember, young female superstars, that you haven’t really hit rock bottom till you fall out of my bed.
MOP TOP
Why has Jonathan Hunt, the British Shouting Reporter on Fox News, stolen Ted Kopple’s hair? Does anyone at Fox point out that the guy needs to lose the cloth mop look?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Every time an actor appears on My Name Is Earl, do you ponder “I didn’t know they were Scientologists?”
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