Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Despite the fact that she’s been hanging with Tom Cruise, Victoria Beckham will not be joining the church of Scientology. The former Posh spice reportedly said “There’s no way I’d spend any money on that nonsense” when asked about the church. We here at QSE news would like to congratulate Mrs. Beckham on her firm stance, but would also like to warn her that when the evil Xenu returns to Earth, Mrs. Beckham is totally screwed.

• In a shocking revelation, Britney Spears’s first husband, (you remember… the guy she was married to for 55 hours?  Yeah, him.) says that Britney has a drug problem.  This comes as a shock to many as the pop star has yet to display any of the crazy or erratic behavior associated with a severe drug problem. However, if she ever does, you’ll hear it here first.

• This just in… Britney Spears DOES have a substance abuse problem!  How about that.  And it appears that our Brit was not content in merely checking into one, chintzy room at Malibu’s Promises Rehab center.  On the contrary, Britney has rented out an entire wing of the facility because, according to one nurse, she “wanted a room for each and every voice in her head.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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